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Post by baza on Jul 18, 2016 21:07:56 GMT -5
It is Monday morning.
Ms enna got back from her work conference late last night. I had been entertaining a few mates during the afternoon and was pretty hammered by the time she got home.
I have a fairly handy hangover in the aftermath of Sunday.
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Over breakfast we discuss our various adventures of our separate activities on Sunday, and have a few laughs.
She heads off to work (I'm rostered off today) and the departure kiss has a bit more intensity to it than usual causing me to think that there is highly likely to be carnality on her mind later.
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I get a call at about 11am that my colleague is bogged out on one of the dirt roads on the mail run.
I go and get my bosses 4wd and head out in to the boondocks.
The mail truck is almost down to the wheel hubs, so we hook up and attempt to extricate the vehicle.
We succeed in burying the bastard of a thing even deeper.
All very amusing.
Our evaluation of the situation reaches a common conclusion, namely that we are fucked, and the truck is going nowhere.
About ten minutes pass as we ponder the situation, and in the distance we see a vehicle off in the distance probably 2k away. It is Green.
As it gets closer it reveals itself to be a monsterous big John Deere tractor.
The driver (a local farmer) has a good old laugh at our predicament, then we hook up the JD and it effortlessly drags us out.
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My colleague then continues on the mail run, and I head back in to town.
When I get out of the 4wd at my bosses place, I resemble one of those mudmen from Borneo such as you might see on a documentary. I hose the 4wd and myself down and head home for a hot shower.
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The rest of the afternoon is filled with mundane stuff, peeling some vegys for dinner and suchlike, and I lose track of time.
The dog starts to get restless and gives a bit of a "yip" which means his bat ears have heard Ms enna's car from some distance off, and sure enough, a couple of minutes later she appears in the driveway.
Over a coffee we recount our adventures for the day.
She looks over the rim of her mug at me and says "Want to lie down for a bit before dinner ?"
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I acquiesce.
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Post by JMX on Jul 18, 2016 23:01:02 GMT -5
Y'all are just too damn cute  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 18, 2016 23:05:33 GMT -5
So happy for both of you!
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 19, 2016 7:23:10 GMT -5
To acquiesce was the wise choice. No need to risk eternal damnation.
"There is one sin that God will not forgive. If a woman asks a man into her bed and he will not go. I know because a wise old Turk told me." Zorba speaking to Basil in Zorba The Greek.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2016 9:40:49 GMT -5
I love it! A story with humor and a happy ending!
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Post by itsjustus on Jul 22, 2016 12:26:31 GMT -5
Baz, what a great story of the "day to day" of Another Day In Oppositland! The ease of the ebb and flow of it. The passing thought, without any real worry, of later carnality (love that word!!) that passes thru your mind like a light easy breeze. A work day "hassle" that....isn't. It's an adventure, something to laugh about, tell friends about, get a little chuckle out of. Then....a nice afternoon of just life in general...neither big, or little....just...life. Then? Ms. Enna coming home....catching up, laughing a little, then....she's the one who asks.....you acquisce. (good choice, by the way)
This....is your normal. This...is how it can be, how it should be...and for you...how it is. Nothing grand. Nothing spectacular.
Just fulfilling. Just Normal. Or as Ms. Enna told me over two years ago in reply to a story of mine asking what would be the most important part of a normal, how it ought to me relationship.....
Easy.
You are a lucky man!
IJU
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Post by week5of35years on Sept 23, 2024 7:45:10 GMT -5
Hi All mirrororchid suggested I post an update here (he also suggested lanie do the same) I was in a SM for over 35years and I am now considering myself not in a SM. I wanted to give an update and cover some highs and lows and also be perhaps a bit more topical in providing updates and seeking advice. First off, I wanted to say a big thanks to the ILIASM forum members. There is no doubt in my mind that had I not found the forum I would now be in the process of getting a divorce. The forum opened my eyes about SM in general and provided me the tools and prose to be able to frame my particular issues and needs in a way that has allowed my relationship to change for the better and maybe to be able to say that I think my W and I will be OK and have a future.. Its almost a year since I kicked off and started my journey to fix my SM. I wrote about it here. iliasm.org/thread/6449/time-tellIn that year we have had PIV sex 24 time so far, and so much more in-between actual intercourse, some have been good some have been bad I count 6 I can honestly say were memorial in some way. We have also learnt a lot more about our bodies and what makes us tick (and go Ahhhhh.....) I have put my tracker (score/notches/record/ whatever you want to call it) at the bottom of this note...... We started really in November '23 both trying really hard and I felt we got to a point of slipping back into a routine in Mar '24 where lots of orgasms were being had but there was no PIV sex and very little variety... This lasted until late July when we both discussed stepping up our game and since then we have been having more PIV sex and planning what we want to be doing sexually as well. I still find it hard to be the one constantly asking for sex, or variety - with a history of being snubbed and ignored - it makes it a hard thing to put yourself and your ego out there and ask for what you want (especially when you are feeling horny already and the last thing you need is rejection) and even with the increase in intimacy we have not made much progress at on on my "what and where and how"! bucket list. The difference now is I believe those things can come to pass. Well that's my update, still trying, still not perfect and for the moist part.... happy...  |
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Post by isthisit on Sept 23, 2024 17:27:14 GMT -5
“For the moist part… happy.” 😆
Oh, I bet you are. 😉 Nice update, I am glad things are working out for you.
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Post by week5of35years on Oct 4, 2024 5:34:36 GMT -5
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Post by week5of35years on Oct 31, 2024 8:01:35 GMT -5
October is done! and another banging month has moved from future to present to past. My month looked like this;  I have to say the more you have the more you want and I am desiring my wife more and more and seeking to put more variety into our sex life. She is still quite prudish (for want of a better word) and does not initiate, but I have asked her to diary it LOL, as it would be really nice for her to come on to me sometimes.. All the best to everyone... W5O35Y |
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 14, 2024 9:08:22 GMT -5
So just to show life in OL is not all a bed of roses, I have to report that my SM remission and my marriage may be fucked... On Sunday we had been doing the usual stuff and we ended up watching a movie called the Voyeurs on Prime... one thing led to another and I played with her under a blanket and she came. We went to bed and I said I was horny but she fell asleep in my arms which was sweet and pretty much put paid to any pash for me. Come Monday, neither of us is working so we are doing the usual house stuff and I make advances to her during the day .... not out of the blue.... she had talked about how much she felt the pouf in the living room was a great place to shag so I asked her to give it a try... (child out at college etc etc) and she said, she was not 100% in the mood so instead, I could play with her when we went to bed and have a bit of fun, so (as she put it) at least "She will have a good nights sleep".. ok no issue... this was ~3pm So 10pm comes around and we are in bed getting quite steamy from my PoV and I ask her which vibrator she wants me to use and she says "why?", mmmmm..... "so you can have an orgasm and then play with me after, like we discussed this afternoon" I say, she looks confused and said she is not in the mood but "if I wake up in the middle of the night we can have some passion then, is that ok?" I said "yes, sounds good" and we duly went to sleep.... 4am, she gets up, gets back into bed and ..... goes back to sleep... so I have a boner and shattered expectations.. Tuesday, we talk, I say I feel quite bad in that 2 times she basically fobbed me off, she had even clearly forgotten she had fobbed me off at 3pm with a promise for some bedtime passion and then doubled down on Monday night and I had been mug enough to agree to it.... WTF and what's going on? ... she played back a scenario where she had never offered anything and anyway she said "I find it difficult sometimes to say no to you" ... so I asked her how a good solution to that is lying?  I said that's what used to happen before we were trying to fix things, and she said "oh.... not all that stuff again....." which kind of surprised me... and shut me the fuck up... So that was Tuesday and things have been super duper frosty, we have barely said a word to each other and have not so much as touched finger tips in the bedroom... Here is why I think I am fucked... how do we get to a position where she decides that instead of saying "no", its better just to make up some lie and kick it down the line instead? what sort of pressure am I putting her under for sex she basically does not want, that makes her do that, and even worse, I am going to make a leap here, and assume there have been times we actually did have some sort of sexual encounter where she did not want to but felt she could not say no..... fuck me!! coercion at best, rapey at worst... I feel like a complete scrum bag and have not got stuck into a row/clearing the air about this as I just am questioning my whole reality on this. I have no idea if our next convo will end up with separate bedrooms... at the very least its clear she has been holding back a lot of her own truth about our sex life and in my mind that does not bode well at all, as we have not progressed on my minimum bucket list of stuff at all much in the last 12mths, as I mentioned in my last post. The only mitigation I can claim is that I went out of my way in Nov/Dec last year to write down what I wanted, where and how often and was very specific and asked her to look it over and she came back with Yes/no.... I have not ever suggested or pursued anything she said "no" to but I am now wondering if right from the start she was not being at all honest about the things she said "Yes, ok," to.... I am thinking back about sometimes when I have asked for things she said Yes to in Nov or Dec '23, but she looked like she just got served a shit sandwich when I asked for it... and we did not do anything.... Is that the actual reality... Well tonight of maybe tomorrow (we are both not working again tomorrow) I will be apologising for pressuring her into sex she did not want, for creating an environment where she felt she could not say no and basically explaining how it feels super shit for your W to think of you as that coercive/rapist kind of guy and i guess we are fucked and done (I'll get my coat) ........ I will be putting up my "mitigation" and seeing where she wants to go from there but have a mattress on order for the spare bedroom that will arrive tomorrow.... |
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Post by isthisit on Nov 14, 2024 9:44:59 GMT -5
I am sorry to hear that your situation has deteriorated. Forgive me for repeating myself, but we cannot incentivise, coerce or threaten our partners to *want* intimacy with us. We can incentivise, coerce or threaten or partners to *agree to* intimacy with us, and plenty of people here seem to be content with that. It seems to me that you achieved the latter with your wife, when you want the former, and that just is not going to happen. Your wife has communicated in every non-verbal way she knows how to that her preference is celibacy, and while she has agreed to intimacy, including with the charade of enthusiasm in places, she has not actually changed what she authentically wants at all. Initiating intimacy communicates authentic desire, and I doubt that is happening in Chez W5.
I do not buy the "I don't feel able to decline" line at all. She happily declined you for years. What she means is that today she can't decline without consequence as she got away with before. Please do not apologise to her for pressuring her into sex as you describe. It seems to me that you reasonably set out your wishes in the marriage and she made a free choice to meet your needs. That's not pressuring, wrong or unreasonable. I expect she is anticipating that you will apologise, as this is your pattern of behaviour, and thus, reinforces in her mind that you are unreasonable and she is the victim. Now is the time to be consistent with what you want and need out of the marriage (which is reasonable), and see if it means enough to her to put out when she doesn't want to- because that is all this lady has to offer. And for goodness sakes, stop getting her off and being okay with you receiving Jack shit in return.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 15, 2024 5:16:17 GMT -5
Going to offer the flipside of IsThisIt in places here. The calendar seems like your SM started Feb 11 this year and ended August 10th? Before that, a SM interval ended November 11th, 2023 very robustly but tapered off quick after Christmas Day. (month and a half "reset"?) As I recall, when the Mrs. started showing up, she was phoning it in, and you were unimpressed and still unhappy. The calendar suggests that twice a week is her reset speed. After October 11th, it dialed down to once a week. What's November like so far? You've gone 10 days throughout this remission. What's the max you'll tolerate? What will you do if you arrive there? Want to see if she's willing to drop the ball to get to that limit? As of now, your generous indulgence, twice, is now followed up with nagging/begging. It may be counterproductive and may have undermined the generosity. You feel like a chump, but she's taken the role of leech. Take the high road. If it happens again, give without expectation but respect your own expectations of your marriage. I'd sooner plan action of some kind than engage in persuasion. Set a floor (probably keeping it to yourself), be willing to throw the grenade if she won't meet it without guilt trips from you or other coercion, and implement whatever steps you need to in order to escape the torment of the starvation. (separate bedrooms, weekend getaways alone, drawing up a will (for asset inventory), look up old friends and go bowling, otherwise building a social circle to brace for impact if the relapses grow intolerable/tiresome.) Re: the apologizing. I'm okay with it, I think. It seems heartfelt. You mean it and you don't want that in her head. Even if it means you two have to split. "I won't be that person anymore." But that's not all good, I hope she understands. It puts the responsibility for an ordinary intimate life squarely on her shoulders. But that means she wants to be 100% "in the mood" and she needs to ask herself what she expects of you when she only ever musters 95%. Does she want someone else?... where that 100% gets achieved on the regular? Does she recognize that effort to lust for your steady partner isn't exclusively a matter of hormones? If she doesn't "feel it" with you, fine. That's a problem she needs to solve and you cannot help with. If a problem doesn't get solved, though, it becomes your problem and you'll need to solve it. Does she want to solve the one problem? Or should you solve yours? Might save this convo for when she reaches your limit when no persuasion/guilt/coercion is applied. If she initiates with no input form you, it can be far more gratifying for both. Whipping out the mattress may be received as a threat, or, worse, a tantrum. Firm resolve, rathe rthan victimhood is the approach I saw you take and you can bring back into play. |
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Post by week5of35years on Nov 20, 2024 10:48:42 GMT -5
Thanks mirrororchid & isthisit ... I decided to take the middle ground and we spoke on Thursday afternoon last week. I was willing to compromise and take whatever blame was legitimate and I would happily apologise, but i was not prepared to take any bullshit.... I asked her to take some responsibility and accountability for our sex life because I have seen little of that in the last year, but she acts as gatekeeper for every intimate activity I try to initiate. Here is a list.... no... here is a thing I want to do you said was ok.... no... After a year, when she says "I don't know" it just gives the impression she hasn't listened or given any time to thinking about our sex life and that is really important to me, I told her I believe she does this because she either doesn't care or doesn't see any issues. I asked for help from her to be able to navigate her contradictory behaviour and basics like when she is receptive/interested in sex or intimacy etc, because she gives nothing away and I have to basically put myself out there and risk a good old rejection every time.. I said I can't force her to fancy me and show some honest lust and interest in our sex life... it's not all about hormone stuff, she has to put some effort in, if she simply doesn't feel it for me and can't be arsed that is a problem I cannot solve, however much I would like to..... I told her I feel she is playing a game of trying to see how little I will accept and how little effort she needs to put in for me to be ok/satisfied and stopping going on and on and on about sex, how many times does she have to say no before I fuck off and stop asking for a shag in the shower or in the kitchen etc.... what is the minimum effort required to tick the box...but she does not want to admit that... So, I left the ball in her court before dinner Thursday night. She then blanked me for 2hrs after dinner, only pausing to throw the remotes at me while she scrolled her phone, and then decided she wanted to watch football....really.... wtf... I got bored of this shit by about 9.30 and went to bed. AM Friday I had expected a continuation of the conversation... but she dropped our son off at college, went to Pilates and then to see her friend for lunch... I guess lunch socials are more important and by the time she got back home at ~2pm I was pretty.....fucking....furious.. She said she needed some head space and that she was confused as when we had just being having some banter the previous Sunday she had asked if things were ok with what we were doing and I had said yeah they were.... I said that I had thought a lot about that and she asked if I was happy with what we are doing, yes of course... but it is not the question she wanted an answer to.... what she meant was am I happy with the variety we are having?, to which my answer is, I am happy with the delicious lobster we are having, but I also ordered fillet steak and a number of other tasty things I am really looking forward too and I am still waiting for them to come.... I keep getting excuses and fobbed off and it's been a long time... I also highlighted that I was only requesting things she had said were ok for us to do, and I had gone out of my way to make sure that she understood what I wanted and where she had said NO, I had never tried to do or suggest those things, but I was super shit confused when I asked for a thing she said YES to and she kept saying no.... and could not articulate a reason why... How am I supposed to navigate that??? She apologised for saying anything that I might interpret as coercion and said that was not what she had meant to say.. I said I felt all the stuff we had exchanged and discussed in Dec '23 was a "fire and forget" exercise, because after a year, I feel she don't see a great sex life as being anything she really wants or needs, it's too much effort and it's not her problem to help fix, husbands wants and needs are not hers, not her problem, so it's just a case of waiting it out until I give up and go back to wanking off in the shower 4 times a week or decide enough, and fuck off... I asked her to go back over the lists of things I sent in Dec '23 and come back with a revised list because I was lost... We agreed a new set of rules/guidelines and some indicators for better communication, and some things I can use as clear signs she is in the mood. We also covered her recovery cycle is greater than mine (not for orgasms, but for feeling horny) and that she was horny now and we should go to bed early Friday... She also suggested that we re-start date nights for the specific purpose of getting in the mood for shagging, and that she will put more time aside for our intimate life and plan ahead more.... I said as she had told me..... don't judge me on my words, judge me on my actions.... I said I want this to work but I need her to step up.... lets see... Spent the weekend making lots of noise and we seem to have patched things up.... I am going to have a think about what having PIV sex only 1 x a week might look like + basically denying her an orgasm (not giving her one every few days) so she gets more randy as the week goes by, I think I could go with that if it would mean she is more into it and I have to say, the BJ on Sat AM could imply that her only having intense orgasms once per week or just across the weekends and me still being able to get some satisfaction/release more frequently during the week could end up being a good routine .... |
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I said that's what used to happen before we were trying to fix things, and she said "oh.... not all that stuff again....." which kind of surprised me... and shut me the fuck up...
