TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 2:37:26 GMT -5
So......after 8 years of white-out SM, and probably the same number of 'technically' sexless before that, along with all the inherent abuses of self-esteem, self-trust, sleep deprivation, weeks' worth of hours spent reading about codependence and trauma bonds and all this shit......seeing my kids drift away as I helplessly foundered in my misery.......I am ready to go.
THIS coming weekend is what I am aiming for. It's the first time I have been able to say to myself something as daring as "this weekend". It would precede a week of spring break where both of us could deal with the shock without having to worry about work. I could move into the place that is waiting for me, start to get my routine down, etc etc etc.
And YET.......despite all I have been through (and I haven't even detailed it in any way NEAR as dark as it got for me)......a little voice in the back of my head is saying, "You won't do it. You'll cave again. You don't have the balls to do it."
WTF, people?? This is MY brain!! How can it be at odds with my deepest desire??!! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHK
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 4, 2016 2:40:04 GMT -5
Oh shit, at least I can still laugh......I just re-read my post then looked at my fucking avatar........PERFECT.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 4, 2016 2:49:24 GMT -5
Change is scary. People will tolerate progressively worse shit rather than deal with change. It's human nature. And the frog in the boiling pot.
It's also the reason I recommend folks keep a journal. Not to relive the bad times, or beat their refuser with history - but to help keep a perspective on the bigger picture. Are you over-inflating the mole-hills, or are you white-washing the ugliness?
Being able to reflect back on your own experiences will help keep your path true. The folks here don't have the whole story; we can support you, but the best guidance comes from an objective look at the path that led you to the conclusion.
FWIW,
DC
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 8:06:34 GMT -5
You sound pretty normal to me. This is a HUGE change and its normal to resist it to some degree. I agree with DC that journaling can help. Have you thought about what you're going to say? I actually wrote out my "speech" and practiced it over and over. Not only was I able to choose the exact words and phrasing I wanted to use, it also gave me something to do during that week before I actually told him I was divorcing him. Practicing what I was going to say reminded me over and over of why I was doing this and that it was what I wanted and needed to do.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 4, 2016 10:53:27 GMT -5
Oh shit, at least I can still laugh......I just re-read my post then looked at my fucking avatar........PERFECT. Often, the laughter is what makes it tolerable. At least in my experience. It is also how I cope. So good for you.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 4, 2016 14:48:25 GMT -5
Practicing what I was going to say reminded me over and over of why I was doing this and that it was what I wanted and needed to do. Talking through it in your head is a good idea, to be prepared with answers. As the saying goes, "Never give the same speech once". Consider this... if you're solid in your decision, then you're making an announcement, not a request. "I'm filing for divorce", not "I want a divorce". You may feel the urge to unload on your refuser and lay the blame at their feet (whether verbally or in writing); maybe this will ease your mind, but they're not likely to take the words to heart - they'll likely be overwhelmed by the news. You may feel the need to justify your decision. That's your choice, but be aware that every argument you make will invite a counter-argument and also dilutes your message. Unless you're looking for a fight, stick to the point, stay factual, and provide as few details as necessary. Lastly, have your ducks in a row before you drop the bomb. Make sure you know what the impact is likely to be (custody, assets, child support, alimony), and what your next steps are. i.e., see an attorney first. |
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 15:26:41 GMT -5
You sound normal to me too... Congratulations on moving forward. Keep your own happiness in sight and don't look back!
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 4, 2016 15:41:26 GMT -5
How exciting for you that it is this weekend!!!! It is normal to feel how you are feeling, to have that doubt, anxiety, unsure of what happens next. It is so smart to move while you have a bit of a break, so you can settle in and get a new routine started. Your routine! =) I'll be sending positive vibes your way for a successful and uneventful move. You've got this!
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Post by Dan on Apr 4, 2016 16:21:59 GMT -5
This is MY brain!! How can it be at odds with my deepest desire??!! If you "chicken out"... don't beat yourself up. Instead: start seeing a talk therapist. If you do move out this weekend.... you STILL need to see a talk therapist! Talk therapy is EXACTLY for what you are dealing with: when "part of you wants one thing" and another part wants another. The conflict is real and NOT to be dismissed lightly. You need to figure out -- among all your competing desires -- which one "wins". A therapist will help you do that. That's why I suggest you need a therapist even if you DO move out this weekend... because you are still conflicted, and will yet find NEW things to be conflicted about even if you do make the move sooner. In the mean time, keep posting here, and we'll do the best we can to assist. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2016 19:23:54 GMT -5
Call one of us (if you have a number.) Or post here or something.
Try to remember all the pain you have been in, because you're trapped in this bad marriage.
And...IF you don't do it after all, don't beat yourself up. It can take a while to really go through with it. I took 3 years. And I had to move out of town and live separately for a year before I could officially break up.
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 5, 2016 2:39:35 GMT -5
Practicing what I was going to say reminded me over and over of why I was doing this and that it was what I wanted and needed to do. Talking through it in your head is a good idea, to be prepared with answers. As the saying goes, "Never give the same speech once". Consider this... if you're solid in your decision, then you're making an announcement, not a request. "I'm filing for divorce", not "I want a divorce". You may feel the urge to unload on your refuser and lay the blame at their feet (whether verbally or in writing); maybe this will ease your mind, but they're not likely to take the words to heart - they'll likely be overwhelmed by the news. You may feel the need to justify your decision. That's your choice, but be aware that every argument you make will invite a counter-argument and also dilutes your message. Unless you're looking for a fight, stick to the point, stay factual, and provide as few details as necessary. Lastly, have your ducks in a row before you drop the bomb. Make sure you know what the impact is likely to be (custody, assets, child support, alimony), and what your next steps are. i.e., see an attorney first. DC, excellent advice/tips, thank you! |
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 5, 2016 2:47:53 GMT -5
Call one of us (if you have a number.) Or post here or something. Try to remember all the pain you have been in, because you're trapped in this bad marriage. And...IF you don't do it after all, don't beat yourself up. It can take a while to really go through with it. I took 3 years. And I had to move out of town and live separately for a year before I could officially break up. I have been pushing myself for about four years now......but needed (wanted) to wait until our last was off to college. That was August, and here I am still. I get very upset with myself, that here it is April (APRIL!) and I'm still silent. I had an experience last night that I NEVER want to have again. I don't know exactly what happened....it was very real, though I had to have been dreaming. Only about an hour after falling asleep, I very clearly felt something pushing on my shoulder (maybe it was the dog?), opened my eyes, looked to my left - in a pitch dark room, mind you - and saw something - I guess it was a face - very malevolent, very hideous, and clearly wanting a piece of me (and not in a good way). It was the most terrifying thing I have ever faced because it was so real. So real that I lashed out with my fists and my feet.....I think i probably screamed (a manly one, of course  ).......I exerted myself so violently in getting this thing away from me that my whole body is sore today.......my bed was pushed out about 8 inches from the wall.....my poor dog was at the end of the bed trembling......it took me a long time to get back to sleep......had to put on a Seinfeld DVD to take my mind off it. But it is still haunting me now. I now have to go to sleep wondering if I'll have the same thing happen again? In short, I can only attribute this to the massive stress I am feeling right now. I feel like I'm in free-fall. And yet........I want to push through and get this over with. I think my life depends on it. |
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 5, 2016 3:15:38 GMT -5
In short, I can only attribute this to the massive stress I am feeling right now. I feel like I'm in free-fall. And yet........I want to push through and get this over with. I think my life depends on it. That sounds very frightening. I think you are right that the massive stress you are feeling has caused that. Once you have made a final decision and take steps to get out of your marriage, I am sure it will get better. |
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 5, 2016 4:00:10 GMT -5
It's a pretty scary time.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 5, 2016 4:42:01 GMT -5
I am sure it is... But remember that when it can not get any worse, it can only get better. Once you get through this last hurdle, it will go uphill
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).......I exerted myself so violently in getting this thing away from me that my whole body is sore today.......my bed was pushed out about 8 inches from the wall.....my poor dog was at the end of the bed trembling......it took me a long time to get back to sleep......had to put on a Seinfeld DVD to take my mind off it. But it is still haunting me now. I now have to go to sleep wondering if I'll have the same thing happen again? 
