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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 19:26:39 GMT -5
litnerd , so, he's uncomfortable with nudity -- YOUR Nudity -- but perfectly fine with overt masturbation? sufferinhubby , I'm comfortable accepting your expert opinion at this point. Oh, he's not super overt about it. The only reason I know he does it is because he told me while drunk that he jerks off every time he's in the bath, and I creep his browser history on his phone so I know he's in there watching porn and jerking it. Well, take a deep breath and don't worry about this for a while. You've got big stuff that needs your attention right now. |
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Post by litnerd on Jul 15, 2016 19:26:53 GMT -5
Meanwhile, I had to leave mid-reply here because I have major family drama. My 13 year old sister was recently diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma and began chemo last week. While my mom was 2 hours away at Children's Hospital with her, my mentally and emotionally abusive (and probable narcissist) father ended up in the hospital. I have no desire to have a relationship with him (I wouldn't if he wasn't still married to my mom), but I've taken over most of the planning around his release (with Hospice) in an effort to absorb some of the stress from my mom. I have been adamant that he needs to go to assisted living because a) his needs are more than what we can handle at home because of my sister's needs (and his health issues are all due to choices he's made), and b) he's (as aforementioned) an abuser whose toxicity is NOT what my sister needs while battling cancer. Unfortunately, my mom has the final say and I think he's bullied her into allowing him to come home. Awe litnerd, I'm so sorry. Your plate is too full for 5 women to manage. You need a break. Thanks. But it's also part of the reason conversations about our issues have kind of been tabled for a while. Between dealing with family issues, managing my high risk pregnancy, and parenting our other 3 kids (two of whom are under 5), I just don't have the energy to hash it out with him at the end of the day. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2016 19:29:12 GMT -5
Awe litnerd , I'm so sorry. Your plate is too full for 5 women to manage. You need a break. Thanks. But it's also part of the reason conversations about our issues have kind of been tabled for a while. Between dealing with family issues, managing my high risk pregnancy, and parenting our other 3 kids (two of whom are under 5), I just don't have the energy to hash it out with him at the end of the day. You're currently pregnant? I wish there were a way we here could take some of this crap off your table for a while. You need a REAL hug. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Jul 15, 2016 19:30:29 GMT -5
I remember well the feeling of relief when I told the first person in real life what was happening. I'd already received wonderful support from the ILIASM community, but it wasn't as tangible as telling someone I knew outside of ILIASM. Good for you on telling your secret. I hope it brings you similar relief and some much needed support and perspective.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 15, 2016 19:33:33 GMT -5
You have a 13 yr old sister and four children of your own? You sound young with too much drama in your life. You need strong trustworthy people to mentor you right now through all of this!
Prayers for your entire family, especially your sister!
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Post by litnerd on Jul 15, 2016 21:20:38 GMT -5
Thanks. But it's also part of the reason conversations about our issues have kind of been tabled for a while. Between dealing with family issues, managing my high risk pregnancy, and parenting our other 3 kids (two of whom are under 5), I just don't have the energy to hash it out with him at the end of the day. You're currently pregnant? I wish there were a way we here could take some of this crap off your table for a while. You need a REAL hug. Thankfully, I have an a few awesome family members and one really great local friend (my bestie that I opened up to lives on the opposite coast) who are great for real hugs. |
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Post by litnerd on Jul 15, 2016 21:26:17 GMT -5
You have a 13 yr old sister and four children of your own? You sound young with too much drama in your life. You need strong trustworthy people to mentor you right now through all of this! Prayers for your entire family, especially your sister! There are 17 years between my sister and me, and my oldest child isn't biologically mine (but I've been her mom for the majority of her life), but yes. It's a lot. A wise older mentor is exactly what I need right now, but am sort of lacking. I am involved in an awesome online community that includes a lot of really wise and supportive people, and they've been amazing as I've navigated all of the family and parenting stuff. I haven't said much about my relationship issues, though, because there are people in the group who are close friends of my husband's family. And the prayers are greatly appreciated. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 16, 2016 6:53:26 GMT -5
I think there may be another issue (please pardon) at hand here. Either yes he's gay, or he fears rejection.
Yes I am once again going to communication. Being in a committed relationship is all about that. Start middle and end. If he can't or won't then that is his answer. But it sounds to me that you are willing to let it sit and fester. Don't. Kids grow up and leave. He should be by your side for the rest of your life. In this circumstance, I feel, that your marriage is the more important priority. Of course, I could be wrong.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 12:55:41 GMT -5
I still stand by the possibility that he could just be too lazy for foreplay and overwhelmed by all the kids? In our home, even 2 kids often overwhelm my H. I badly wanted more (5 please!) but scarcely got the 2nd on reset sex (he was drunk - alcohol was good for something in our marriage). And NO I didn't trick him into it. Bullshit stereotypes. I know the type that might post an inane comment like that. Stand down, please. I'm afraid I've little tolerance for inanity (or insanity) today. And litnerd, aww, big girlfriend hug to you. PM me anytime, K? Same goes for all you lovely ladies out there who value or need a girlfriend. I will say this: I would not be surviving and walking tall without my girlfriends who know and care. I've worked especially hard the last 10+ years to build this support system. It's proven to be worth its weight in antimatter (Google it! I did, and antimatter is fascinating stuff). I guess I'm saying: Hang in there! Walk tall! And send happy, good vibes to the bun in the oven - they need that for proper brain chemistry later on. Combat the depression/low mood fiercely. Promise me that. And take comfort in this: you will never regret your kids. Mine are the best thing that I've ever done, hands down. Even if I do have to walk through this difficult marriage for them. |
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Post by litnerd on Jul 16, 2016 14:44:54 GMT -5
I think there may be another issue (please pardon) at hand here. Either yes he's gay, or he fears rejection. Yes I am once again going to communication. Being in a committed relationship is all about that. Start middle and end. If he can't or won't then that is his answer. But it sounds to me that you are willing to let it sit and fester. Don't. Kids grow up and leave. He should be by your side for the rest of your life. In this circumstance, I feel, that your marriage is the more important priority. Of course, I could be wrong. Not necessarily willing to let it fester, but really bad at communication and confrontation. Working on it, but not as quickly as I would like. So the bandaid comes off this weekend. I'm attempting to get the kids to bed early tonight so we can talk. I know that the first conversation needs to happen soon for the sake of my mental health. I can't say I've never considered his being gay. During my last pregnancy, I had horribly realistic dreams wherein he'd tell me that he wasn't attracted to me because he was attracted to men. But his porn choices (I'll admit to stalking his browser history) don't really make me feel that way. As far as rejection, though, I've never refused him. Even when I'm breastfeeding and have no sex drive/serious dryness issues, if he wants sex he gets it. Now I, on the other hand, have stopped initiating sex because of what the rejection does to my psyche. |
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Post by litnerd on Jul 16, 2016 15:00:31 GMT -5
I still stand by the possibility that he could just be too lazy for foreplay and overwhelmed by all the kids? In our home, even 2 kids often overwhelm my H. I badly wanted more (5 please!) but scarcely got the 2nd on reset sex (he was drunk - alcohol was good for something in our marriage). And NO I didn't trick him into it. Bullshit stereotypes. I know the type that might post an inane comment like that. Stand down, please. I'm afraid I've little tolerance for inanity (or insanity) today. And litnerd, aww, big girlfriend hug to you. PM me anytime, K? Same goes for all you lovely ladies out there who value or need a girlfriend. I will say this: I would not be surviving and walking tall without my girlfriends who know and care. I've worked especially hard the last 10+ years to build this support system. It's proven to be worth its weight in antimatter (Google it! I did, and antimatter is fascinating stuff). I guess I'm saying: Hang in there! Walk tall! And send happy, good vibes to the bun in the oven - they need that for proper brain chemistry later on. Combat the depression/low mood fiercely. Promise me that. And take comfort in this: you will never regret your kids. Mine are the best thing that I've ever done, hands down. Even if I do have to walk through this difficult marriage for them. I think lazy/overwhelmed is a real possibility. I know our financial situation really has him stressed, especially with adding another kid and having to buy a bigger vehicle for me. During a recent conversation with him while he was drunk (I enjoy drunk husband because he loosens up a bunch and loses that asshole LEO facade...and 9/10 times he gets very affectionate with me), I found out that his sexual experience wasn't actually much broader than mine when we got together. I assumed, based on certain skills and the almost 10 year gap in our ages (plus the fact that I was a virgin until I was almost 24), that he had much more sexual experience...but that's not the case. Which makes a lot of things make sense. He is really lazy at foreplay...and he's gotten away with it a lot because I'm pretty easily aroused, and he still requires some direction to get me off. Actually, his career aside, he's rather unmotivated in general. I jokingly told my SIL a while back that H could be completely miserable married to me, and I could basically do whatever I wanted regardless of his wishes (this was regarding enrolling our preschooler in a charter school instead of the elementary he attended), and he would never leave me because he's that lazy. We both laughed, but agreed that it was a "it's funny because it's true" statement. And thanks. <3 |
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Post by nyartgal on Jul 16, 2016 15:02:01 GMT -5
I think for a lot of guys jerking off isn't really about sex, it's about releasing tension. Which doesn't make refusing you any better but I don't think you are in competition with his hand either.
I am so so so so sorry you are going through so much at once, I can't even imagine. You sound very on top of everything, I would still just urge you to take care of YOURSELF and that high risk pregnancy first and everyone else after that. You deserve it and so does your baby. I understand a little because I am also pregnant, with a toddler, and just had easily the worst year of my life, including my beloved father dying very quickly of cancer out of nowhere, my stepmother stealing my inheritance and throwing us away like garbage, and borderline PD mother constantly making drama, huge money problems etc etc etc and the list goes on. But we can't take care of others unless we take care of our own mental and physical health too, so I hope you are giving yourself as much rest and solitude and sustenance as you can under the circumstances.
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Post by litnerd on Jul 16, 2016 15:08:55 GMT -5
I think for a lot of guys jerking off isn't really about sex, it's about releasing tension. Which doesn't make refusing you any better but I don't think you are in competition with his hand either. I am so so so so sorry you are going through so much at once, I can't even imagine. You sound very on top of everything, I would still just urge you to take care of YOURSELF and that high risk pregnancy first and everyone else after that. You deserve it and so does your baby. I understand a little because I am also pregnant, with a toddler, and just had easily the worst year of my life, including my beloved father dying very quickly of cancer out of nowhere, my stepmother stealing my inheritance and throwing us away like garbage, and borderline PD mother constantly making drama, huge money problems etc etc etc and the list goes on. But we can't take care of others unless we take care of our own mental and physical health too, so I hope you are giving yourself as much rest and solitude and sustenance as you can under the circumstances. This has been a major theme in my therapy sessions because I am notoriously bad at self care. My mom never modeled it in the slightest, so I never understood how much I needed things that are just for me (especially since I had no idea just how introverted I am until I began having kids). Thankfully, my SIL and grandma have been amazing about taking my kids when I need them to, and I've gotten better at taking time for myself when I can get it (even when it means just lying down for a nap with my 2 y/o). H is also pretty supportive of me getting away when he's available to stay with the kids. If he's home and sees that I'm starting to lose my shit, he'll tell me just to leave and get coffee/go for a drive/etc. |
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