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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2016 10:05:35 GMT -5
In my ILIASM deal, I became very 'good' at suppressing my anger, but there's a price for doing that - insomnia and eczema in my case - and there are better ways of handling ones anger. - However, I found that once I had made the choice to leave, and started that process, my anger level dropped waaaaay off. Suppressed anger (or suppressed any emotion) will always find another way to express itself, and usually in a way that's detrimental to our wellbeing. You are so right Caris. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 14, 2016 10:07:56 GMT -5
Yes, this so right... you can only contain so much.....
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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2016 10:10:20 GMT -5
But when I saw that my annoyed reactions were just making things worse between us, I made an effort to stop that. Yes, my annoyed reactions and snappy comments are making things worse between us. I have to also be mindful because of the kids. I don't want them to see me treat their dad that way. Yesterday was a better day and I was not angry. Journaling is helping me. I get it all out through my writing. The act that I have to put on each day is just so draining. I want to be myself. I want a man who WANTS me to be myself. sigh! xo |
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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2016 10:12:03 GMT -5
Yes, this so right... you can only contain so much..... With me, I have to be careful of my physical well-being. In the past, I've experienced health issues due to suppressed emotions and anxiety. Now that I've been exercising, I have been feeling better physically and don't want to mess with the progress I have made!! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2016 21:29:15 GMT -5
In the past three days, every day someone has over stepped boundaries, to me, in front of me, or against me. I find a strong sense of justice, speaking up, and not being taken advantage of , or belittled.
Much of it has to do with all the emotion going into a upcoming divorce. But on the other hand, is it really a bad thing? We as a society can be like sheep led to the sheering house.
When done effectively, standing up and enforcing what is right, is needed more and more in our daily lives. Just don't cary that bag around around with you, all day. Do your part, and let it go.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 15, 2016 13:13:17 GMT -5
ggold, whats the latest communication been like?
My STBX is more detached than ever. Her latest approach to me, and others is "that's not my problem".
Her attitude just opens my eyes even wider, allowing me to see how a marriage to an attitude like that will not last.
You can't even have an 100% (that's not my problem) attitude like that in business, with a roommate or even a distant friendship.
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 10:59:29 GMT -5
I was in that downward spiral. After weeks of no sex I might snap at her. Guaranteeing weeks more of no sex. And during sex(less ness) arguments she would call me out on individual incidents months or even years later, justifying her refusals. I got to the point where I thought it was deliberate, to build a portfolio of reasons why I was unworthy of fucking...
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Post by skguy on Nov 17, 2016 11:33:14 GMT -5
I try hard not to snap or be short. First off I don't like to be like that, but sometimes you're pushed over the edge.
In my relationship it's not worth it it to snap or be rude. There will be some sort of argument and them I spend hours taking her out hiding slot on the bed.
It's probably not healthy that we don't have disagreements but it saves a lot of stress and pain
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Post by beachguy on Nov 17, 2016 11:42:44 GMT -5
I try hard not to snap or be short. First off I don't like to be like that, but sometimes you're pushed over the edge. In my relationship it's not worth it it to snap or be rude. There will be some sort of argument and them I spend hours taking her out hiding slot on the bed. It's probably not healthy that we don't have disagreements but it saves a lot of stress and pain Definitely not healthy. Communication reduced to zero in some sort of detente, with perhaps one or both fingers poised over the nuke button but never daring to press it. I lived like that for decades... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 17, 2016 11:50:45 GMT -5
I was in that downward spiral. After weeks of no sex I might snap at her. Guaranteeing weeks more of no sex. And during sex(less ness) arguments she would call me out on individual incidents months or even years later, justifying her refusals. I got to the point where I thought it was deliberate, to build a portfolio of reasons why I was unworthy of fucking... Build your own portfolio. Seriously. I wrote out a three page list of "things my wife has not done in a long, long, time". Everything from raking leaves, to giving me a passionate kiss. I read this list in front of her and our therapist. Her response? Total silence, another "that's not my problem" attitude. That's what manipulative controllers do, sweep things under the rug, deny, argue,(avoid), reverse it making them the victim and you the offender ,DARVO. Make your own portfolio of why she is unworthy of fucking, bring up the past whenever you want to. Remember the times when you.....You were so manipulative, so selfish, I will no longer tolerate such manipulative ,selfish, childish behavior, it will be your choice to continue your games, I will not be playing them. Don't expect happy times, expect avoidance and stronger tacticts. Once she sees her selfish world is beginning to crumble you can exit and rebuild a better life. |
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Post by skguy on Nov 17, 2016 12:04:31 GMT -5
I try hard not to snap or be short. First off I don't like to be like that, but sometimes you're pushed over the edge. In my relationship it's not worth it it to snap or be rude. There will be some sort of argument and them I spend hours taking her out hiding slot on the bed. It's probably not healthy that we don't have disagreements but it saves a lot of stress and pain Definitely not healthy. Communication reduced to zero in some sort of detente, with perhaps one or both fingers poised over the nuke button but never daring to press it. I lived like that for decades... Very true. |
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Post by ggold on Nov 17, 2016 12:14:50 GMT -5
I was in that downward spiral. After weeks of no sex I might snap at her. Guaranteeing weeks more of no sex. And during sex(less ness) arguments she would call me out on individual incidents months or even years later, justifying her refusals. I got to the point where I thought it was deliberate, to build a portfolio of reasons why I was unworthy of fucking... Build your own portfolio. Seriously. I wrote out a three page list of "things my wife has not done in a long, long, time". Everything from raking leaves, to giving me a passionate kiss. I read this list in front of her and our therapist. Her response? Total silence, another "that's not my problem" attitude. That's what manipulative controllers do, sweep things under the rug, deny, argue,(avoid), reverse it making them the victim and you the offender ,DARVO. Make your own portfolio of why she is unworthy of fucking, bring up the past whenever you want to. Remember the times when you.....You were so manipulative, so selfish, I will no longer tolerate such manipulative ,selfish, childish behavior, it will be your choice to continue your games, I will not be playing them. Don't expect happy times, expect avoidance and stronger tacticts. Once she sees her selfish world is beginning to crumble you can exit and rebuild a better life. You described my husband's behavior perfectly. Denial, avoidance. To his lady friends that he is texting, he is portraying himself as the victim. Pisses me off. He is FAR from the victim!! |
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Post by Dan on Nov 18, 2016 9:01:32 GMT -5
That's what manipulative controllers do... reverse it making them the victim and you the offender... You described my husband's behavior perfectly. Denial, avoidance. To his lady friends that he is texting, he is portraying himself as the victim. Pisses me off. He is FAR from the victim!! Through recent years of reflection about my wife, I've come to see that she has a "victim" mentality, IMO. Sure, there was some alcoholism among her father and step-father. Sure, she's had a few serious health incidents, and we've had our periods of financial turmoil. Sure, our kids have had some seriously rough spots. But those things shouldn't define her... and yet she lets them. Even clings to them. And then: she uses it to justify how she need to be coddled before she can be intimate. I would not normally call her "controlling"... but playing the "victim card" is a way to control, no? I would not call her "narcissistic"... but identifying as a frequent victim is a kind of self-centeredness that is in the direction of narcissism, no? It is VERY disheartening to come to this realization after the 25-year mark in my marriage. But understanding her this way is a cornerstone of my exit plan... in that I just don't think she can or will ever change this bedrock of her self-identity. |
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Post by baza on Nov 18, 2016 21:16:18 GMT -5
Could be "victim mentality", could be "controlling".
But cut to the chase, it results in you being disenfranchised, whether by accident or by design.
The outcome is the same - for Brother Dan - either way.
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And who could 'blame' them ??
I know that personally, if I've found something that works for me, I stick with it. Why wouldn't I ??
Your missus has deliberately or accidentally or just by pure luck found a method of delivering the type of relationship she wants.
It works for her.
It is extraordinarily difficult to see a good reason for her to even think about the position she has adopted, let alone think of modifying her position.
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Would you??
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