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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 7:32:46 GMT -5
The anger, and the outbursts it produces are natural. I did it a lot. Became a grumpy, sarcastic, and sometimes passive aggressive guy.
But I found the results of this behavior were always way worse than the initial problem that annoyed me. And I got tired of the same old arguments. Same shit over and over -- exhausting.
So, I just stopped all of it. Sarcasm, rolling eyes, even thinking stuff like "How stupid ARE you?" is now forbidden.
And LOTS of stuff has improved. We used to have the one week screaming and silence bouts every other month like clockwork. Now, we've had maybe 2 in the past 8 years. And both of those were caused by identifiable lapses in my discipline. I recall thinking to myself 26 seconds after words left my mouth "What were you hoping to accomplish with that?".
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 11:23:49 GMT -5
I found myself going in that direction. I was deeply hurt by the sexual rejection and (I now realize) the emotional withdrawal. So, since I was getting more emotional nourishment online, I got to a point where I was constantly on my smartphone. (Often on EP, ha ha.) And he would want to talk to me, and I'd get annoyed at him for interrupting my online conversations.
But when I saw that my annoyed reactions were just making things worse between us, I made an effort to stop that.
I still loved him, and I still had memories of a good relationship with him. Color me sentimental, but I didn't want to ruin whatever we still had. And I didn't want to tarnish the memories.
I was angry at him for withholding sex and love from me, and I wanted to take something away from him too. But ultimately, I couldn't keep that up.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 12:10:23 GMT -5
I used to get rude or snap back at him. Not so much anymore. I believe this is called walk away wife syndrome.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 13, 2016 12:42:06 GMT -5
Not rude or snapping the vast majority of the time unless I'm completely at my wit's end with frustration, and even that's becoming more rare.
I've detached a lot the last couple of months, so now I'll just shut up or answer monosyllabically. She seems to prefer that, as it feels like if we're ever talking for more than a couple of minutes at a time, she'll tell me that I use too many words when I talk, or more often, that I'm bothering her.
Besides, if I do snap she'll often start crying, because she's sorry she made me mad and is a bad wife (her words). And that's not productive for anything.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 13, 2016 12:47:36 GMT -5
What Caris describes is pretty much where I'm at. I know it's happening, but it's still so hard to keep in check. Small stuff that shouldn't irritate me does; things that shouldn't be intrusive instead feel violating. I just want a fucking sincere hug. For me this has finally brought things to a head in the last week. The stiff upper lip is no more. My challenge is that this is not something that was broken and might be fixed - it's asexual behavior I've tolerated for 25 years, and only now is breaking me. All likely outcomes look ugly. And I am really struggling with being selfish. You mean a sincere hug that leads to fucking. Glad to clarify that. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 13, 2016 13:00:16 GMT -5
Not that often. I think I'm past being angry. I'm just resigned to the situation and biding my time. About the only time I do is when we try to have a 'talk' about our situation. Those don't happen often. What's the point? Everything has been said already and nothing has changed. But during those talks when she starts in with her crap about how she's under such stress and I should be more understanding and it's my attitude that's making it worse I do have a tendency to go off on her. I've often wondered if I was too passive when things started going south and I should have been more vocal about it. She on the other hand snaps at me pretty regularly about really petty stuff that has nothing to do directly with our situation. Things like I put a damp towel in the hamper and it makes all the laundry smell. Really? I know I shouldn't do that and I usually don't but bite my head off for it?  WTF??? |
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Post by Caris on Jul 13, 2016 13:25:54 GMT -5
In my ILIASM deal, I became very 'good' at suppressing my anger, but there's a price for doing that - insomnia and eczema in my case - and there are better ways of handling ones anger. - However, I found that once I had made the choice to leave, and started that process, my anger level dropped waaaaay off. Suppressed anger (or suppressed any emotion) will always find another way to express itself, and usually in a way that's detrimental to our wellbeing. |
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Post by LITW on Jul 13, 2016 15:41:02 GMT -5
I do, and then I hate myself for it after the fact and apologize profusely. When you don't feel your needs are being met, its hard to suppress your anger, so it often pops out in rudeness. And yet, I dislike rudeness so much, I feel horrible when I see it coming out of my mouth. On the days when the struggle is the hardest, I wish that I lived alone so I could be rude to the toaster, and then nobody's feelings would get hurt.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 13, 2016 15:57:19 GMT -5
There can be a fine line between being rude, and blatantly honest. For example we were trying ( at least I thought) to have a discussion about our dismal sex life. Down at the beach with no one around. When I delicately, sheepishly brought up having a schedule for sex, out came the claws! She said sternly, " it would just be duty sex, and I don't know when I will ever be ready". That did it! That's when I said, " she needed to get off her fat ass and stop playing video games all the time" her response? You used profanity! I don't have to be disrespected like that!" I then told her as she walked back to the car, away from me, " you have been disrespecting me for over 14 yrs with no sex!" ( that may have been the only curse word I've ever said to her or anybody)
I've never apologized or taken back any of it. It still stands 7 months later, and counting.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 13, 2016 17:53:23 GMT -5
I try not to. Sometimes it seems to me she pushes just to see if she can. That is when I lose patience. Because I know she is just twisting the knife.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2016 21:28:12 GMT -5
Usually I do not. I've been working to keep my anger in check. I am trying not to be disrespectful in words and action. Today, he questioned who I was texting and I snapped back and asked him why is he so nosy. Then I got an attitude back. I ended up apologizing for being rude. It's okay to show anger sometimes, right? ugh!!!! My emotions are just so all over the place. Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow. Trying not to show anger will wear you out and lead to depression. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 13, 2016 21:32:00 GMT -5
Usually I do not. I've been working to keep my anger in check. I am trying not to be disrespectful in words and action. Today, he questioned who I was texting and I snapped back and asked him why is he so nosy. Then I got an attitude back. I ended up apologizing for being rude. It's okay to show anger sometimes, right? ugh!!!! My emotions are just so all over the place. Thank God I see my therapist tomorrow. Trying not to show anger will wear you out and lead to depression. You know, I JUST thought this. I was exhausted today. It hit me that I am probably physically tired from being angry, sad, and feeling constant tension between us. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 14, 2016 6:57:38 GMT -5
Trying not to show anger will wear you out and lead to depression. You know, I JUST thought this. I was exhausted today. It hit me that I am probably physically tired from being angry, sad, and feeling constant tension between us. I have heard this from several others on here as well. you find yourself doing months leading to years, of research, books, therapists, counceling, attorneys etc... your mind dwells on it every hour, your sleep is affected. You are now working on "making myself happy plans" even those revolve around avoiding your refusing spouse. Meanwhile the refusing spouse seems more content than ever! Now that your on to their devisive ways, they tend to cling to themselves even more. Which is who they are in the first place. It takes the radical change,(divorce) and they still won't get it, but it will no longer be your problem! |
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aubie1
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 14, 2016 9:37:08 GMT -5
I was snappy for a while early on. But then it turned more into passive aggressiveness. Now it is just depression. After being rejected in private for so long, I am starting to pull back when she tries to be touchy feely in public or in front of family. I am thinking in my head....yeah sure you want to be next to me and lean on me or put arm around me now in front of everyone, but get home the dog gets more affection than I do.
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Post by ggold on Jul 14, 2016 10:00:19 GMT -5
I was snappy for a while early on. But then it turned more into passive aggressiveness. Now it is just depression. After being rejected in private for so long, I am starting to pull back when she tries to be touchy feely in public or in front of family. I am thinking in my head....yeah sure you want to be next to me and lean on me or put arm around me now in front of everyone, but get home the dog gets more affection than I do. I'm so sorry. :-( The public affection is a joke. You know the truth. We are no longer affectionate in front of family and friends. He won't even attempt it, but then again, that has been his issue all along....no affection, intimacy, etc. ((hugs)) |
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WTF???
