"I'm Not Going to Get Checked Out"

Exactly my thoughts  (re: marital status), my esteemed DC. *bows

No, we're married- 14 months this weekend. And we both just updated all our PoA and living wills just a few weeks ago

Just to be clear, the ultimatum isn't for her---it's for YOU. Because it will help you see that she is never going to take care of herself without being forced, and maybe not even then. Nothing you do is going to change who she is or her motivation or lack thereof to take care of herself. She's made that crystal clear. The ultimatum is to show YOU that even the threat of you leaving will do absolutely nothing in the big picture.

Maybe by putting your suitcase on the bed you can get her to go once to see the doctor, or take one trip the ER. It's not going to be effective unless she wants treatment for her many problems, first and foremost the psychological ones. You can't make another person want to deal with their shit if they categorically don't want to----just ask anyone with a friend or family member with an addiction problem or an untreated mental illness. There is no magic wand you can wave to get them to seek help when they refuse to. Either you accept this marriage for what it is TODAY or you move on. She can pointlessly suffer from migraines regardless of whether you are there to witness it.

I hope you're working on your exit plan because this is going south fast. Very sorry but at least it's not hard to figure this one out. Be grateful for the extreme clarity she is offering you.

A history of severe/incapacitating headaches may be symptomatic of other neurological or circulatory issues. Triage and transport by EMS is safer, as they are able to treat the patient either at the scene or transport to the ER. Each case is unique.

With all due respect, Caris, I am not commenting further on this thread, as it is cagedtiger's and I have hijacked it enough. I know you'll understand.

You should write a book.

I've been trying to help her take better care of herself for quite a long while now. I grew up in a large family that cooked everything and ate lots of vegetables... if I cook something she might eat it once, then it's back to the fast food (and any leftovers of hers will be left to accumulate in the fridge until I throw them out, and she complains to me about doing so). We have two dogs that I always invite her to take for walks. She declines, and if I don't take them out, the dogs don't get walked. We tried having a trainer together as a couple (her idea), and it turned out to be a horrible idea- having played sports my whole life, I push myself, which she took to be me "showing off" or "making a scene." We have Y memberships, and I've offered to go at the same time as her any time she wants, but she hasn't gone at all this calendar year.

@andie, a lot of what you were describing sounds like what she does- Excendrin Migraine by the handful, mixed with muscle relaxers and washed down with Dr. Pepper (of which the half-full/ empty cans accumulate on her nightstand until I remove them, then she complains that me taking those and throwing them away is me being judgemental).

And she wonders why she feels like crap all the time...

Sorry, I've been needing to get that out for a little while, I guess. When I try to bring it up with her, I'm being judgy or putting too much pressure on her.


baza and bballgirl, with regards to setting myself an ultimatum/ Maginot Line/ Line in the sand, I think deep down I've already started doing that without even being fully conscious of it. I just don't know exactly where that point is yet, or when, or what the final straw will be. I still hold out hope that somewhere deep inside is still the badass I fell in love with, even if I haven't seen her in a long time - call me either a glutton for punishment, or just a foolish romantic, but there it is. However, even I have limits to my patience, and she's already riding most of them a lot of the time.

As for an exit strategy/ contingency, again, I think this is something I've subconsciously thought about for several months now, just in bits and pieces, really. Fortunately, with my background, experience, training, and personality, I can move pretty much anywhere and get a job quickly.

I can (almost) see applying leverage if it were a one-off treatment. My mother needed a cancer surgery last year and she was acting like cagedtiger's spouse - totally irrational, childish, very difficult to handle. "I don't trust doctors, they might make it worse, I'm not really sick," that sort of thing. She's mentally ill but unmedicated, and at her age, her mental illness is going to stay untreated. However, we did get her in the car and the surgery got done, with good results.

Migraines are different. I only get them occasionally, but I know people who suffer from them regularly. It takes a highly motivated patient to sort them out - she would have to be willing to try different things over a long period of time (elimination of one food item at a time, diarying the results), work with her healthcare provider on the best combo of meds, and to be her own advocate in the healthcare system which doesn't have much good advice for people who suffer from chronic conditions like this one. (The system is great if you break a leg, but inadequate at treating "-itis's" like arthritis.)

Dear CagedTiger, you can't do these things for her because you don't live in her body. I know you would if you could because you want to get the woman you fell in love with back, but she has to do this herself - your support is secondary.

I'm working on leaving someone with major health issues too, and I know how painful it is. I'm in counseling to help me deal with the guilt. One thing my counselor mentioned was that partners with medical conditions often improve after the breakup because there's no longer any reward in staying sick. It's not that they're faking it; it's that being on their own forces them to summon the courage to get well. So I wouldn't assume she'll fall apart if you go. She might, but she also might get better. She's proven quite adept at manipulating you, so I wouldn't say she's without resources.

Hugs, friend. I know it's hard.