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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 11:28:39 GMT -5
So I mentioned in my "Married to Depression" post that my wife often suffers from crazy incapacitating migraines and all the fun things that come with that. Over the last couple of weeks it seems to be getting more frequent, and now even more lack of energy and nausea also are getting thrown in the mix. So much so that I had to leave work early yesterday to pick her up, bring her home, and take care of her all evening.
I've asked her directly several times over the last couple of years if she'll go get it checked out with her doctor, to see if there's anything medically that can be done to help alleviate some of the issues, and each time I'll either get a noncommittal "yeah, maybe I should" or she'll change the subject.
A couple of weekends ago, we were talking about the things that we needed to work on in our relationship (she said she'd 'work on the romantic part'), and she looked at me and said,
"You know I'm never going to get it checked out, right?"
When I asked her why, tears welled up in her eyes, and she told me that if something was seriously wrong, she'd rather not know, because once they know something is wrong, people only get worse fast.
By way of explanation, when she was 20 years old, her father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, and died from it very very quickly after the initial diagnosis (it was already fairly advanced by that point).
In contrast, my mother died of a pretty easily treatable, but fairly difficult to diagnose at the time disease (porphyria) when I was 8 years old.
I pointed out that in both cases going to a doctor sooner might have made a difference, but she won't hear it. Even after last night, when I had to stop on the side of the road so she could vomit, she's still unwilling to go to a doctor about it.
Even when I bring up how unfair she's really being with this for the both of us.
I really don't know what else to do at this point, but I get mad at her just thinking about it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2016 11:55:51 GMT -5
I wish I wasn't the first one to answer to this. After reading I thought, " I have no answers?" Then I thought what would you do,left on your own about it? My gut reaction: tough, love, selfish action. Why? Because, this is no longer just " her" decision. This impacts you, and your every day life greatly.
Call her doctor yourself. Demand that she is going. I feel you have the right because this impacts your future, your finances, your own mental health, your job, etc...
Like my therapist tells me about my soon to be 18 yr old. If they are going to act like a child, then treat them that way. What would you do with a ten year old who acted this way. My bet is you would tell them " you are going, I am going with you, the doctor is going to report to me". If she strongly puts up a fight, start denying her of things, and call her family and tell them what she is doing to herself and you.
I may be flying solo on this one.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 12, 2016 12:00:25 GMT -5
I agree with greatcoastal. She's choosing to go down the drain and she's dragging you with her. It's irresponsible and selfish behavior. Looking just at this narrow slice of your scenario, you need to get her into treatment or cut yourself free. No in-between. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2016 12:04:17 GMT -5
One last thought. The crazy part is, " is this exactly what she deep inside wants from you?" To take charge, to step up, to make the decisions for her, to take the lead? Perhaps she wants to be rescued? Even though she says the exact opposite you can be the night in shining armor..
What is there to loose in trying a tough take the lead approach? She'll distance her self from you, she'll be angry, moody, upset? Sounds like nothing new!
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 12, 2016 12:08:39 GMT -5
As her to go for you. Flat out. Explain that you love her regardless and the "not knowing" about what can be done is effectively hurting you. Ask her to "change positions" and you are the one not feeling well? What is her reaction? How would she feel? Would you not caring about yourself bother her?
Good luck.
Remember, you cannot make someone get help.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2016 12:11:12 GMT -5
Tiger, first let me express how sorry I am to read about the loss of your mom when you were so young. I'm sure this weighs heavily on you when it comes to your wife's condition.
I used to get migraines a lot. Before I went to the doctor, I'd take Excedrin like it was candy. Then I had a physical and found my liver enzymes were through the roof. Luckily, that was repairable. Now I get chiropractic adjustments every few weeks. And I never take Excedrin any more.
You can't force someone to go to the doctor. Not even your spouse. Believe me, I've tried. I don't even know the right advice to give you. Migraines could be caused by any number of things: environment, food, neurological, etc. If she won't go to the doctor, encourage her to journal. Write down what she was doing, what she was eating, where she was and whatnot when her symptoms began. Perhaps she will see a pattern and that could inspire her to take action. Hugs, sweetie.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 12, 2016 12:11:28 GMT -5
As her to go for you. Flat out. Explain that you love her regardless and the "not knowing" about what can be done is effectively hurting you. Ask her to "change positions" and you are the one not feeling well? What is her reaction? How would she feel? Would you not caring about yourself bother her? Good luck. Remember, you cannot make someone get help. That was the approach I led with- didn't make any difference. I think greatcoastal is right; we have the same doctor, and I have an appointment scheduled for next week. I'll bring it up then and schedule something for the both of us as soon as possible. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2016 12:18:22 GMT -5
I know the feeling cagedtiger. My W started suffering from migraines right after she moved in with me at 35. Never had had one before in her life and they have gotten more frequent and severe ever since. Up to 3 days long with accompanying nausea.
I read that migraines tend to peak in women in their mid-40's and are often gone by menopause.
While my W did get a prescription to deal with the migraine, it took a few weeks to get the right combo of meds. And it still lingers a bit. She is now on a once daily maintenance med (an anti-depressant) that in low doses has been shown to reduce the occurrence of migraines. Its been a month. I am too afraid to ask if its helping.
I agree the prospect it could be more is frightening. But to me, the prospect of it not being severe and living for years in that state is even more frightening.
Best of luck
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Post by nyartgal on Jul 12, 2016 12:21:55 GMT -5
Next time you have to pick her up because she's sick, take her to the emergency room instead of going home. Basically, it's ultimatum time. Put your empty suitcase on the bed and start packing until she gets in the car to go to the doctor.
She's shown you in every conceivable way that she is depressed, doesn't want to be married to you and is incapable of self-care. There is something happening with her mental health that is far beyond external symptoms like migraines. She is in serious denial of reality on almost every topic relating to you and to herself.
Sorry you are going through this, but the truth is you can't fix anyone else. She has to not only WANT to fix her OWN problems but be willing to do the hard work only she can do. I don't see any evidence she wants to or is willing or capable. It really sucks. As we've seen so many times, some people are totally committed to their own self-destruction against all logic.
PS: I get migraines too (usually from stress + hormones) and there are a lot of good meds out there.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 12, 2016 12:30:00 GMT -5
I agree with GC, tell her in a nice way that this is not working for you and she must go to the dr to get well. Tell her if she doesn't get well then you will not be able to stay in the marriage.
I'm not negating or doubting at all her illness but it almost seems like she uses it as a crutch to hang on to you.
Call her out on allowing you to be her partner not her crutch.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2016 12:51:57 GMT -5
I'm going to say this as delicately as possible, but cagedtiger , she gave you a definitive answer. Whether you like it or not, SHE already made the decision for herself. No amount of anger, pleading, sadness, cajoling, etc. on your part is really necessary at this point. She is an adult who made an adult decision about her health. You now have to decide how to proceed, given that her words and actions are consistent with each other. She KNOWS exactly what she's doing. Unless she is a danger to herself (threatening self-harm) or others (threatened harm to others), medical professionals will defer to HER, as an able-bodied, adult, capable of understanding the risks, possible treatments, and outcomes. Unless she is incapacitated, SHE is responsible for herself. Caveat: A major component of my professional work is patient advocacy. Often times, that means supporting the patient's wishes whatever they are, regardless of what his/her family's wishes are. I am available to discuss your concerns, if you wish to pm me. I may be able to assist you in developing a plan of action for yourself, moving forward. I caution you strongly AGAINST making ultimatums. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 12, 2016 13:05:21 GMT -5
cagedtiger, looking at the grander picture, think twice about using your departure as a barter token to motivate her, or asking her to do it for your benefit. Are you really prepared to stay if she gets treatment? Or are you already checked out for so many other reasons? Don't let your drive to "do the right thing" for her health be your catalyst for staying in the relationship. You can be a supportive friend without being bolted to her self-destructive fate. You don't have to be miserable in order for her to get better. Whether she needs help that you can provide, and whether your relationship has a future, are two different discussions. Don't confuse them. I suspect that perhaps yours is not the help she really needs, but she will lean on you simply because you make yourself available.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2016 13:27:59 GMT -5
As her to go for you. Flat out. Explain that you love her regardless and the "not knowing" about what can be done is effectively hurting you. Ask her to "change positions" and you are the one not feeling well? What is her reaction? How would she feel? Would you not caring about yourself bother her? Good luck. Remember, you cannot make someone get help. That was the approach I led with- didn't make any difference. I think greatcoastal is right; we have the same doctor, and I have an appointment scheduled for next week. I'll bring it up then and schedule something for the both of us as soon as possible. Here's a page right out of the " controllers" play book. When Grandpa starts having chest pains, or trouble breathing at 84 yrs. old he doesn't want to tell anybody, doesn't want to bother anybody. He shoves his hand up and says, " aahh I'll be fine it's nothing, it'll go away, I've had these before". He's an adult a seasoned citizen! He should be allowed to make his own choices. Then shortly my wife, the controller comes home. She calls her sisters, right away they decide, he is going to the hospital! My wife calls the ambulance to come get him and goes to the ER room with him. Was it worth it? Not really, he could have waited or just ridden to the hospital, without the added cost of an ambulance. Has it impacted his choices in the future? Oh yea! He knows he has two choices. Either take a free ride and go the hospital,or get a huge bill for the ambulance and go to the hospital. He can tell them he doesn't want to get in that ambulance, he has that right. He also knows he has to put up with his manipulative controlling daughters! ( just like there mom, who he left.) You can do the same. It's either going to be the bill from the ambulance arriving every time, or a less costly trip to the doctor with your guidance. No you can not " make" someone get help, but you can sure influence there decision. The old saying, " you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink", There should be a part two to that. " no but if you work that horse in the summer heat, and lead it the water enough times, by the end of the day, you have highly increased your chances that the horse will drink". Prayers for you, and your wife. |
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Post by Caris on Jul 12, 2016 13:32:45 GMT -5
cagedtiger, this may seem harsh, but it's something for you to consider. Allow your wife to experience the natural and logical consequences of her decision. You have already asked her to see the doctor, and she won't, even though her migraines are now impacting your daily life too, so now allow her the consequences of her decision. If she calls for you to pick her up from work, you can't. She will have to stay in work and suffer there, or call a cab, or get someone else to take her home. This may be hard for you to do, but unless she experiences the consequences of her decision, no change will occur. It may or may not get her to the doctor, but once she knows that her decisions come with consequences, it may make her think twice. This does not mean you show no compassion when she is ill, but when it's impacting *your* life by interfering with your job and such, and she won't seek medical treatment, then you have to put your foot down, and let her deal with the consequences, while still showing kindness and care.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 12, 2016 13:50:08 GMT -5
cagedtiger , this may seem harsh, but it's something for you to consider. Allow your wife to experience the natural and logical consequences of her decision. You have already asked her to see the doctor, and she won't, even though her miga@raines are now impacting your daily life too, so now allow her the consequences of her decision. If she calls for you to pick her up from work, you can't. She will have to stay in work and suffer there, or call a cab, or get someone else to take her home. This may be hard for you to do, but unless she experiences the consequences of her decision, no change will occur. It may or may not get her to the doctor, but once she knows that her decisions come with consequences, it may make her think twice. This does not mean you show no compassion when she is ill, but when it's impacting *your* life by interfering with your job and such, and she won't seek medical treatment, then you have to put your foot down, and let her deal with the consequences, while still showing kindness and care. , Caris' point is spot on. But, rather than having a friend/relative/coworker drive w home, calmly say, "I'm calling an ambulance and will meet you at the hospital." Hang up, dial 911, and go to the hospital. My only advice for you, is to ensure that all your Advanced Directives (Living Will, Healthcare Surrogate, Power of Attorney, DNR, etc) are current and all your Healthcare Providers have copies. |
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