aubie1
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 11, 2016 9:48:29 GMT -5
Hi, never posted in EP but read several post. Over five years ago my wife started experiencing pain during intercourse. Things slowed way down and have now stopped (16 months since any kind of activity.). She had breast cancer in her early 30's and can't do some of the creams the obgyn recommended. I have researched it and think maybe it is Vaginismus but she won't go to the doctor to find out. Anyone else have experience with Vaginismus. Thoughts and advise are welcomed.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 11, 2016 10:03:43 GMT -5
she won't go to the doctor to find out. This is the real problem to focus on. She should be seeing her doctor regularly anyway; she really needs to be bringing this up. As awkward as it may be, see if she will let you join her next appointment to have a discussion with her doctor. You can help her break the ice on talking. People have stigmas about talking about certain things, even with their physicians. We've even got radio spots in my market encouraging people to discuss odd bowel movements with their doctor. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 14:01:19 GMT -5
Hi, never posted in EP but read several post. Over five years ago my wife started experiencing pain during intercourse. Things slowed way down and have now stopped (16 months since any kind of activity.). She had breast cancer in her early 30's and can't do some of the creams the obgyn recommended. I have researched it and think maybe it is Vaginismus but she won't go to the doctor to find out. Anyone else have experience with Vaginismus. Thoughts and advise are welcomed. What DryCreek said x 1000. The most important issue is why she won't go to the doctor. Given her medical history, that's where the focus of conversations should be, first. |
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aubie1
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 11, 2016 14:03:06 GMT -5
My biggest problem is that I don't think she cares about getting the problem fixed. We would go stretches before it happened, where there we long dry spells followed by good spells. But now I try and show her videos of what could be causing problem/solutions and she seems uninterested. She was more concerned on getting back to a recording of shark week.
Last week we went to Biloxi and New Orleans for a mini vacation - just us - kids are grown and gone. She had no interest in doing anything. Because of her pain...I said in the past we could do oral or outside stuff. No go there either. Told me at a bar on bourbon street I get to "handize" when I drink and to knock it off even tho it has been 16 months since any physical activity.
i really miss the touch of her skin against mine. I am just at a loss as to what to do next. She hates discussing it and I'm kinda a comedian anyway and was told not to joke about sex anymore. What do you do when you she is perfectly happy the way things are now....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 14:11:18 GMT -5
My biggest problem is that I don't think she cares about getting the problem fixed. We would go stretches before it happened, where there we long dry spells followed by good spells. But now I try and show her videos of what could be causing problem/solutions and she seems uninterested. She was more concerned on getting back to a recording of shark week. Last week we went to Biloxi and New Orleans for a mini vacation - just us - kids are grown and gone. She had no interest in doing anything. Because of her pain...I said in the past we could do oral or outside stuff. No go there either. Told me at a bar on bourbon street I get to "handize" when I drink and to knock it off even tho it has been 16 months since any physical activity. i really miss the touch of her skin against mine. I am just at a loss as to what to do next. She hates discussing it and I'm kinda a comedian anyway and was told not to joke about sex anymore. What do you do when you she is perfectly happy the way things are now.... It seems like its only a "problem" for you, not w. You also said you "joke" about sex, and were asked not to. What types of jokes? By "joking" about it, you may have been sending out the message that sex was not a "serious' issue, instead of diffusing the tension around sex (or lack thereof) which I'm assuming is why you joked about it, |
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aubie1
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 11, 2016 14:46:35 GMT -5
Z
True W doesn't think it's a problem. You asked about jokes....here are examples
#1- at doctor office looking at her chest X-rays....I said you are suffering from Emerson. She said what's that. I said 'em are some big ones
#2- got her coffee for her one morning....she said " that was fast. I said....you've said once before.
#3- in Belize at gift shop she picked up whistle in the shape of a penis. She blew into it to make it whistle . I said" if you blew me I would whistle too.
Anyway stuff along those lines....
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 11, 2016 14:56:29 GMT -5
Having a spouse that wont seek medical help for a treatable condition that is effecting the marriage is fairly common in ILIASM. Numerous posts at the old EP site spoke of spouses who refused to speak with their physician about their lack of libido or other conditions that resulted in no sexual intimacy. My X was the same. When I ask her to inquire about medication to address her non desire. Her response was that she took enough medication for other things and didn't want to have to swallow one more pill.
It really sounds like classic refuser behavior and it is highly unlikely to change without a major shift on your part regarding what you are going to allow.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 11, 2016 15:01:51 GMT -5
Z True W doesn't think it's a problem. You asked about jokes....here are examples #1- at doctor office looking at her chest X-rays....I said you are suffering from Emerson. She said what's that. I said 'em are some big ones #2- got her coffee for her one morning....she said " that was fast. I said....you've said once before. #3- in Belize at gift shop she picked up whistle in the shape of a penis. She blew into it to make it whistle . I said" if you blew me I would whistle too. Anyway stuff along those lines.... Oooo I was about to say the problem is she doesn't want things to change. Unless she's inclined towards improvement you are on the way out... Like many of us here Which I stand by. I'm on your team  we understand and willl help you along your journey. Wherever that takes you. Loads of good conversations on here. Lots of wise words and home truths too. BUT. Please stop taking the piss out of her like that in public. And in private. She sounds hurt inside to me. Maybe she thinks you don't care because you joke so much. Maybe that is totally unfounded but I have been there. It's not the place of a life partner to take the piss like that. You have mates for that. Harsh. Sorry. I wouldn't be surprised if you do it to lighten the mood when there's an elephant in the room. Guilty of that a lot myself but I wouldn't take the piss out of someone I knew it would upset. And welcome  Xx |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 15:05:26 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 16:24:52 GMT -5
Z True W doesn't think it's a problem. You asked about jokes....here are examples #1- at doctor office looking at her chest X-rays....I said you are suffering from Emerson. She said what's that. I said 'em are some big ones #2- got her coffee for her one morning....she said " that was fast. I said....you've said once before. #3- in Belize at gift shop she picked up whistle in the shape of a penis. She blew into it to make it whistle . I said" if you blew me I would whistle too. Anyway stuff along those lines.... Eeek. I cringed while reading those, as they didn't strike me as particularly funny. Jokes about her breast size while having xrays...er...no Coffee one was ok, because it was poking fun at yourself. The whistle one was...just...no. Not in public, man. |
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2016 19:08:47 GMT -5
The vibe I'm getting off your story is that your missus has only been interested in sex sporadically over your marital history, cancer and vaginismis etc not withstanding.
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And, for the last 16 months, she has been getting the exact amount of sex with you that she desires.
None.
Were it otherwise (that some medical condition was standing in the way of her enthusiasm to root you) then she'd be beating a path to various medico's offices to address that situation.
And she ain't.
She is getting the exact level of sex with you that she wants.
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Why would she want to do anything about changing a situation when that situation is delivering exactly what she wants ?
Would you ??
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aubie1
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 11, 2016 21:10:12 GMT -5
Baza you are exactly right.
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Post by pfviento on Jul 11, 2016 21:29:46 GMT -5
Baza you are exactly right. You want an honest probably 100% accurate answer it's Baza. You might not like the observation but there is no faulting the logic. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 11, 2016 21:39:44 GMT -5
Baza you are exactly right. Feel free to go into more detail, or give other examples of her behavior. Many of us are in the same boat. i take the joke problem with a grain of salt. I would have to be there, and hear much more about the before and after conversations that go on between the two of you, before passing judgement. Taking statements out of context, well... Worse, colder, crueler things get done to others who are married. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 21:50:54 GMT -5
My biggest problem is that I don't think she cares about getting the problem fixed. We would go stretches before it happened, where there we long dry spells followed by good spells. But now I try and show her videos of what could be causing problem/solutions and she seems uninterested. She was more concerned on getting back to a recording of shark week. Last week we went to Biloxi and New Orleans for a mini vacation - just us - kids are grown and gone. She had no interest in doing anything. Because of her pain...I said in the past we could do oral or outside stuff. No go there either. Told me at a bar on bourbon street I get to "handize" when I drink and to knock it off even tho it has been 16 months since any physical activity. i really miss the touch of her skin against mine. I am just at a loss as to what to do next. She hates discussing it and I'm kinda a comedian anyway and was told not to joke about sex anymore. What do you do when you she is perfectly happy the way things are now.... You decide whether you can live like this for the rest of your life. |
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we understand and willl help you along your journey. Wherever that takes you. Loads of good conversations on here. Lots of wise words and home truths too. 
