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Post by sand5280 on Jul 12, 2016 2:30:35 GMT -5
Having a spouse that wont seek medical help for a treatable condition that is effecting the marriage is fairly common in ILIASM. I have been down this road and your situation has similarities, if we assume that vaginismus is indeed a present condition. But don't be too quick to diagnose. What should be considered is which came first, the pain or the lack of desire, which has already been addressed here. The pain problem cannot be approached if the desire is not there. She's not likely to seek help if she's not interested. And the lack of desire can be a cause of the pain. A sense of humor is a terrific thing which can backfire at the wrong moment, especially if it's invasive. Put yourself in the situation where you are losing your hair, or developing a belly. Or experiencing ED. If you are flooded with information, suggestions etc from her, you would be quite turned off from resolving the problem. In addition to this, consider how your self esteem would be affected. As far as the condition itself, a remarkably high success rate, provided there is a will to overcome, which is an obstacle for you now. Very important is a patient and understanding partner. The process takes a long time. On your part you can do the research to learn about it yourself, I'm sure you have already found the information and the websites. I hope I'm on the right track, I suggest be very careful in pursuing the vaginismus aspect, until you can go toward it standing side by side, rather than you pushing her from behind. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 12, 2016 6:28:49 GMT -5
Another couple thoughts. I tend to agree about not joking about the lack of intimacy but for different reasons. It seems to passive aggressive. You are clearly unhappy with her denying you any sort of sexual intimacy. That's what you should be communicating to her in no uncertain terms. And there should be some ramifications for her bad behavior. Right now she gets to act badly and she scolds you for bringing up the subject as a means for her to control and manipulate you.
When my X said to me she was tired of talking about the sad state of our love life I sat her down and made it clear that if she was so put off with the idea of sex that I would trouble her no more and would look for solace outside the marriage. It often takes an announcement of intent to divorce or putting them on notice that you intend to go elsewhere to jolt them back to reality. Perhaps you aren't ready to go there. A less drastic approach would be to start taking away the things that she really likes or enjoys. Like no more trips or vacations together. No entertaining or attending parties together. Let her explain to family and friends why you aren't there. She needs to steadily loose things and benefits she enjoys from the marriage. As she sees her fun stuff go away it might tip the scales toward a fairer balance in the marriage.
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aubie1
New Member
Posts: 10 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 12, 2016 7:25:00 GMT -5
Before I go into more details....let me say this I still love my wife. I have told her thousands of times how beautiful and sexy she is to me. No matter that she has a few extra pounds on her or scars from the cancer....she still trips my trigger. I call her my super model. She calls me shallow Hal. She doesn't see her herself that way despite the number of times I tell her how beautiful she is to me. With all that, we still had those stretches in our sex life where thing were great....pounds, scars and all. I just miss those days. We have been dealing with pain at penetration for over six years now.
I read some where that the sleep schedules are usually off in sm. That is true. I go to bed between 10 and 11 at night. She goes to bed between 3 and 6 next morning. If she does go to bed earlier, she has her iPad propped up on pillows between us.
The rejection is really starting to get to me. Take this last vacation.....
We leave early, get a hotel the night before we get to the casino. They give us two beds in the room. She gets in one with her iPad. I said...these beds are small, there is not enough room from me and the iPad. She laughs and goes back to playing iPad. I just get in the other bed. You know she could have said....oh here let me move it, or there is plenty of room, or something, but no.
We get to the casino, really nice hotel room but no king available only two queens. That night, I tell her I'm tired and going to the room, I clear off one bed, remove all covers from one side....she has her own blankets she sleeps with....and I go to bed. She comes in a few hours later, and gets in the other bed. I ask why not sleep in bed with me? She said, I saw a dark piece of fabric and thought that was your clothes you laid out. It was the bed sham, and I don't lay out my clothes. But I gave her a pass. Next night same thing. She gets in other bed. I ask why again, she shrugged and got ready for the day.
In New Orleans we go out to a bar and she get hit in eye with a plastic toy they put your drinks. A wedding party came in and hundreds of the toys got thrown around and she got hit in the eye. She is being somewhat affectionate at the bar but when I try and do the same... I get told I get too handize when I drink. A few hours later she complains her eye is hurting, I get her ice for her eye and we go back to hotel with King bed. But due to injury, I didn't try anything. Next morning, I start to rub her back but she said she has a sore throat and wants to go back to sleep.
Last night at a different hotel, she complains about sore throat and ear. Says she wants to go to doctor when we get home. We get home, she said she was feeling better and doesn't see need to go to doctor.
In public we hold hands, laugh and give each other pecks on cheek and lips. But alone, to me, she seems like she pushes me away. The rejection over the last six years has caused me to develop depression and hopelessness. I am afraid the post from before is correct....it could be this way for the rest of my life.
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Post by baza on Jul 12, 2016 7:54:06 GMT -5
The picture is getting a little bit clearer with every post you make.
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This now looks like an often told story in here.
Your missus loves the things you bring to her table (such as financier, social accessory, chauffeur, part of a facade, and suchlike), but it doesn't follow that she loves you - the person - a real lot.
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You say here - "..it could be this way for the rest of my life".
The unpalatable fact is that there is no "could" about it.
It "is" your life, it has been for a while, and you are choosing it.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 12, 2016 8:08:20 GMT -5
baza is spot on. Sorry  My refuser is all about the perks I supply him and also is ALWAYS ill. With one thing or another. It drains your soul. My problem these days, now my eyes are open, is that I am an enabler and codependent. My self esteem is so low that I feel I have to keep him happy or what's my purpose. Well I used to feel like that. I see things more clearly now but still don't have the balls to jump! It's such a waste of life for us though isn't it. It's hard xxx
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2016 8:37:51 GMT -5
Vacations seem to be a really good barometer about how things are going in the relationship. After the re-set episode from our little get away came a strong realization that my wife wants to put zero effort into our relationship. She likes living in her comfort zone. As others on EP told me," she does not love you, she loves having you around!"
Just to be blunt, my wife told me, " why don't you leave? I don't love you, you don't fill my needs, go and form your exit strategy I won't get in your way, it's just duty sex, I see no need for it, it's not important to me! I detached myself from you over two years ago."That was after I confronted and questioned her manipulative controlling attitude of, " I will be too tired in the morning?" Hugh? Mornings not even here yet? How do you already know you are going to be too tired? You won't be too tired to get up eat breakfast and get ready?.
That was seven months ago. I have been detaching myself from someone who detached themselves from me two years ago. The interesting part was that I hardly noticed it for two years, due to 14yrs of no return intimacy and me waiting, blaming myself, and avoiding much of it.
Will the final separation benefit me and everyone else? By researching and discussing stories with others I believe it's best for everyone. Our stories may be similar.
Lastly, my wife doesn't believe I have the balls to do it! Especially since I am unemployed, and been the stay at home dad all these 18 yrs.She is up for a big, big, change in her safe little family environment. Much revolves around her little, ".why don't you just leave comment". The actions have certainly been there. Don't actions speak louder than words?
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aubie1
New Member
Posts: 10
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by aubie1 on Jul 12, 2016 9:08:14 GMT -5
Wow greatcoastal I am sorry to hear what you are going thru. so you have got your exit planned out. Please let me know how it goes when you put it into action. I am not sure I could do that. Given all of her medical issues I would be seen as the bad guy. People at church would ask what happened and you really can't say the truth. Plus my kids who are grown...not sure there reaction. Guess I haven't gotten to step you are at yet. Wow even more depressed now, lol.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2016 9:49:13 GMT -5
Wow greatcoastal I am sorry to hear what you are going thru. so you have got your exit planned out. Please let me know how it goes when you put it into action. I am not sure I could do that. Given all of her medical issues I would be seen as the bad guy. People at church would ask what happened and you really can't say the truth. Plus my kids who are grown...not sure there reaction. Guess I haven't gotten to step you are at yet. Wow even more depressed now, lol. I struggled with much of that myself. I changed churches. I go without my wife. Just move one zip code away,( you will find a whole discussion about zip coding on here)If I go to Sunday school classes and we are going to learn what the bible says about marriage, respect, intimacy, finding your joy, submission, gaining ground, facing fears, being your true self, living away from the chains of hiding behind your Christian mask, etc... I am not going to learn anything, worrying what people think about the truth! Sitting like a really nice content humbled warrior. Happy wife happy life scenario. Nervous because my wife is next to me, and it might upset her. Wouldn't want to hurt her precious ego by ever saying to anyone, anything, at anytime, because people gossip it might come back to her. I used to get better straight forward advise, compassion, understanding, from guys at the truck stop or loading docks than from church. While the bible has the answers. My kids are almost grown . I have 6 teenagers. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out how many people hiding behind there Christian masks have many or worse problems than you do, and are dying to talk about it. Dying inside, slowly. I have read stories here where many a family member/adult kids come out and say" what took you so long? You were being treated unfairly, mom did that to me too, glad you left". i would like to recommend two books for you. " A Scandalous Freedom" by Steve Brown "" Wild at Heart" by John Elderedge. Since I changed churches I found a men's group where we quote these books all the time and are all in a big agreement on much of the truth that they provide. It takes time to let the fog lift from your eyes. If you were to share more of your experiences, and questions week to week, then look back a season or two from now you will have discovered a learning experience. Hopefully freedom to a better heart, a happier you. |
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Post by iceman on Jul 12, 2016 9:55:06 GMT -5
I feel for you. This sounds very similar to the situation with my wife. She has physical issues that she said makes sex at least uncomfortable, if not painful, for her. This is something that isn't that serious and could be corrected but she is dragging her feet. She has spoken to her doctor about it but has not closely followed her the treatment she advised. Meanwhile, I've been twisting in the wind for over 2 years now while she plods along with her treatment, or non-treatment. I feel that if the lack of sex was a problem for her she would be aggressive in her treatment. I know I would. Instead, she has the perfect excuse for avoiding sex and maintaining control of our sex life. She has the sex life that she wants. The thing is that this is the latest in a string of reasons that she feels justified in avoiding sex. This is not an anomaly. It has been going on for our entire marriage. As soon as one excuse is no longer viable another one magically appears.
It it sounds like your wife also has the sex life she wants. If she wanted something different she would be doing something about. Since she won't you have to figure out what you want and what you will accept. That's where I am and it sucks.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 12, 2016 10:57:02 GMT -5
Many and perhaps even most of us love(d) our spouses. I still care deeply about my X's well being and happiness. But I knew staying married to her would only result in a continuing life of frustration and eventual bitterness over time and life wasted. My X and I are still good friends, we attend the same church, go to some of the same parties of friends we have in common and we still have sex once in a while. So life doesn't have to end if you divorce if you place the empathess on doing what you really believe is in your best interest.
"To thine own self be true". That has to be the mantra of those of us in ILIASM. One can't deceive oneself about the true nature of your spouse, how they really feel about you and just where the marriage ranks on the priority list for them. It sometimes takes the form of "tough love" from the folks here to pry open one's eyes and to really focus on the truth of one's spouses antipathy toward what should be the most important facet of their life.
Keep reading and keep asking yourself the important question. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?
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Post by sand5280 on Jul 12, 2016 15:21:47 GMT -5
Let me say this I still love my wife. I get such a bang out of this, every time I read a phrase like this one. |
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Post by pfviento on Jul 12, 2016 16:36:29 GMT -5
Let me say this I still love my wife. I get such a bang out of this, every time I read a phrase like this one. It's not like a switch you can just turn off and on when the mood suits. Believe me. I spent years learning to turn off emotions (abusive parents. Given to the system). I never could quite get to the point where I completely stopped caring. |
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