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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 15:32:49 GMT -5
The days after my surgery have been a mix of enlightening and frustrating. My husband, affectionately known here as Numbnuts, has been quite willing to help me. I am grateful for that, and have been generous with the ‘thank yous’ and the ‘couldn't have done it better myself’ compliments. One thing that bugs me is the day after my surgery, he called me out for sleeping all day. Really? What the fuck was I supposed to be doing?
My cast was on from Tuesday-Friday afternoon. It was a huge relief to have it removed. For one, the skin irritation was driving me bat-shit-fucking crazy. For another, it limited my range of motion and my ability to do things for myself. I still have to increase strength in my hand and fingers to be fully self-sufficient. That will come in time and I can't let it frustrate me. I've been through plenty of occupational therapy, both for my own recovery on my right hand and in caring for my mother, so I'm applying these principles the best I can.
Here's the part which makes me cringe. Thursday night I took my first post-op shower. My cast was still on and I had it wrapped in plastic to keep dry. I couldn't wrap the towel around my head or my body. He had to do it. He saw me naked for the first time in over two years. I also had to have him shave my left leg and my right armpit. And while I was hoping for a more sensual touch, I got exactly what I was expecting: contact that was entirely clinical. Sigh … When he expressed to me how he felt useless and emasculated, I thought needing his help would boost his ego and make him feel needed. He's so damn stoic and deadpan, I just can't tell.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 15:34:20 GMT -5
 No cast! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2016 15:56:56 GMT -5
It is mind boggling for those of us who have touch as a main love language to witness someone totally reject such opportunities! It becomes a real life changer! A decision on your part to live with out it, or live with it with someone else!
Perhaps sometime you would like to expound on his statement, " he feels useless and emasculated". I think it is safe to say that many of us men feel that way, LIASM.
But your the one wanting the intimacy /sex!
I get the impression that his statement is a white wash approach to avoid any responsibility, and to continue to shift blame. A manipulative control issue. He is probably very good at subtly changing the subject, answering with questions, delaying answers, and bringing up irrelevant topics. A typical controller.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 15:57:57 GMT -5
I'm so glad you are out of the cast.
I understand your frustration with your husband.
I really think every reason they give for not wanting to be intimate with us is just a lie and excuse. A lie is just another form of avoidant behavior.
I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Everyday will improve!
Hugs
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Post by pfviento on Jul 9, 2016 16:10:04 GMT -5
The fact that he has an issue with you sleeping after surgery speaks volumes.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 16:39:47 GMT -5
@andie I love your affectionate nickname for him, I get a muchneeded laugh everytime I read it.
I sympathize with having your husband all clinical about your body. It's not a good feeling to be with one's husband and not feel any desire from him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 16:42:58 GMT -5
I think a team of guys from ILIASM.org should have been on hand to help out....
Sometimes we just don't see things the same.... and we can't understand why....i hope soon you will have at least one less thing to worry about (the hand)
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 9, 2016 17:09:56 GMT -5
@andie, this isn't news, but clearly he doesn't see you sexually in his mind. This is either by his own (defective) choice, or because he believes that in the current state of your relationship it would not be warmly welcomed (i.e., he's unsure / afraid of a bad reaction). Or, he's just a dead fish.
Perhaps, put yourself in a similar situation before the bandages come off, and make a very overt play? I.e., the Home Depot (2x4) version of scented candles, which for a guy may require a blunt "take off your clothes and get in here with me".. That is, if you can stand the prospect of being rejected.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:23:31 GMT -5
It is mind boggling for those of us who have touch as a main love language to witness someone totally reject such opportunities! It becomes a real life changer! A decision on your part to live with out it, or live with it with someone else! Perhaps sometime you would like to expound on his statement, " he feels useless and emasculated". I think it is safe to say that many of us men feel that way, LIASM. But your the one wanting the intimacy /sex! I get the impression that his statement is a white wash approach to avoid any responsibility, and to continue to shift blame. A manipulative control issue. He is probably very good at subtly changing the subject, answering with questions, delaying, answers, and bringing up irrelevant topics. A typical controller. It's funny how you bring up him being a controller. Long ago, he accused me of being a control freak. I am, to an extent. I control our finances, how we run our household, etc. Our first therapist brought that up. He feels useless because I am self-sufficient. He feels emasculated, for instance, when I tell him there isn't room in the budget for new golf clubs or hockey skates or whatever his hobby-du-jour is. The last thing I want to do is deny him activities he loves, but A. he's denying me and B. I don't want to go into massive debt because of his wants. There has to be some give and take. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:28:32 GMT -5
I'm so glad you are out of the cast. I understand your frustration with your husband. I really think every reason they give for not wanting to be intimate with us is just a lie and excuse. A lie is just another form of avoidant behavior. I'm glad you are feeling a little better. Everyday will improve! Hugs Thanks, bball! Last night I watched Marriage Boot Camp. This show is full of drama, but one thing the couples had to do was wear shock collars. Their spouses had the remotes for them and any time one spouse said something that upset the other, they'd get shocked. I need that. Every time he spews a lie, zzzzzz. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:35:06 GMT -5
@andie, this isn't news, but clearly he doesn't see you sexually in his mind. This is either by his own (defective) choice, or because he believes that in the current state of your relationship it would not be warmly welcomed (i.e., he's unsure / afraid of a bad reaction). Or, he's just a dead fish. Perhaps, put yourself in a similar situation before the bandages come off, and make a very overt play? I.e., the Home Depot (2x4) version of scented candles, which for a guy may require a blunt "take off your clothes and get in here with me".. That is, if you can stand the prospect of being rejected. My plan was to approach him after my hand gets better. After a couple shots of vodka, I won't give a shit about rejection. I am aware he doesn't see me that way. I could accept it if he had medical issues or just said, I have no interest in it at all. But he doesn't go to the doctor, and I'm pretty sure he isn't entirely asexual, since I know he still is pretty "handy" in his man-cave. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:36:33 GMT -5
The fact that he has an issue with you sleeping after surgery speaks volumes. It was a dick move met with the middle finger of my good hand. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:38:26 GMT -5
I think a team of guys from ILIASM.org should have been on hand to help out.... Sometimes we just don't see things the same.... and we can't understand why....i hope soon you will have at least one less thing to worry about (the hand) The last time I had a team of guys on "hand" was 1994. Maybe that's when my carpal tunnel symptoms started... |
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Post by adventura on Jul 9, 2016 18:41:52 GMT -5
I get the impression that his statement is a white wash approach to avoid any responsibility, and to continue to shift blame. A manipulative control issue. He is probably very good at subtly changing the subject, answering with questions, delaying, answers, and bringing up irrelevant topics. A typical controller. It's funny how you bring up him being a controller. Long ago, he accused me of being a control freak. I am, to an extent. I control our finances, how we run our household, etc. Our first therapist brought that up. He feels useless because I am self-sufficient. He feels emasculated, for instance, when I tell him there isn't room in the budget for new golf clubs or hockey skates or whatever his hobby-du-jour is. The last thing I want to do is deny him activities he loves, but A. he's denying me and B. I don't want to go into massive debt because of his wants. There has to be some give and take. I hear this "emasculation" crap from my refuser all the time. What he really wants is to do whatever he likes while enjoying the benefits of being in a relationship. If I push for even a small amount of give and take, his strategy is first to distract, then to deny, and if I persist, get angry and say something asinine like, “I guess I just can’t do anything right,” or the always-effective “I’m just trying to enjoy the evening” (or morning, or afternoon, or twilight, or whatever). He’s damned good at using guilt to manipulate me into backing off - funny I never realized it until recently; I suppose it’s because I’ve always suspected I’m too controlling. Of course - that’s why it works. He is not a stupid man. This lack of give and take is a hallmark of SMs/SRs and usually spills over into other areas of the relationship. On the surface it may look like the refusee is the control freak, because we're more proactive in the relationship while the refuser is passive. In counseling I'm learning to set aside that guilt and really look at the dynamic between us. Passive people are huge control freaks and the reason it's so effective is because they're deathly afraid of losing control and allowing other people to participate in areas of their lives where they feel most vulnerable (sex, helping, physical tasks, parenting). My relationship has an extra messy angle because my refuser becomes verbally abusive only if I press for something - the rest of the time he's Mr. Super Nice Guy, "I love you Adventura, blah blah blah." My counselor says I'm a little bit afraid to set boundaries with him and very afraid to enforce them. The upshot of this is he knows I'm not serious about my boundaries and walks all over them with impunity. I remember from the old EP site that people would say refusers aren't as nice as we think they are. At first I thought this was hyperbole; now I'm a believer. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 18:53:52 GMT -5
I think a team of guys from ILIASM.org should have been on hand to help out.... Sometimes we just don't see things the same.... and we can't understand why....i hope soon you will have at least one less thing to worry about (the hand) The last time I had a team of guys on "hand" was 1994. Maybe that's when my carpal tunnel symptoms started... Well u just rest those hands, we can take care of everything... you need some of that with what u have been through.... |
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