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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 2, 2016 17:35:54 GMT -5
Tonight shall be telling. I threatened divorce about a year ago. It got me results. Things went well for about 8 months. Then we started to slow down considerably. Now we seem to be back to old games.
She's usually tired or something. She seems to be making rules again about when I am able to initiate and being too tired during those small windows she has designated as "go time". Tonight is in that "go time" window. Its been almost a month since our last successful encounter. It was a very disappointing encounter. It was obviously forced and unwanted. I am curious as to how it will go tonight. Will she refuse? Will she avoid? Will she say "yes" even though her body language screams "no" the entire time?
Intereseting twist? Things outside the bedroom have been wonderful for about 2 weeks. She has been like her old self. Happy and content. I've been like my new self. Confident, assertive, emotionally available, and present for the family. I've been doing everything "right". If she's not into it tonight, then it shall be very telling. ...VERY telling.
My gut tells me that she's either not into sex or not into me sexually. Either way, I feel powerless to change the situation. I know I can leave and I'm giving it very serious thought and I'm taking steps to make it a reality. I need to know I've done all I can before leaving though. I'm getting there. I really am.
Deep down inside, I truly get it. It's stay or leave. Those are my options. I won't cheat. I have dabbled in that and it's not for me. I truly believe that someday, possibly sooner than I realize, I will have to choose to keep my family together and sacrifice a loving relationship with my wife or tear my family apart so I can pursue love. This is the worst "pick your poison" of my life. It simply sucks beyond belief.
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Post by TMD on Apr 2, 2016 17:48:23 GMT -5
Two thoughts:
- why don't you ask her to be honest about her level of desire? Tell her you need to have a candid conversation, perhaps with aid of a Counselor?
- and secondly, divorce feels like on is "tearing the family apart," but isn't it already fractured?
((Omg. I edited post for poor grammar. Not sure why my words were jumbled.))
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TheBumble
Junior Member
Posts: 97 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by TheBumble on Apr 2, 2016 18:39:08 GMT -5
I was just about to reply, then read tmd's post.......she nailed it. My main point (having gotten past the mile marker you're looking at right now) is this "tear my family apart". Please understand what that 'frame' does to your mind. It is a very violent notion. The world would be in absolute chaos if every family on the planet that has gone through a divorce was 'torn apart', Don't look at it that way. It's just a restructuring. I know it's semantics, but it's true. Decide right now that, if you go the route of leaving (and all indications are that you should - and that you are just prolonging the agony), you will do everything in your power to make the transition as smooth as possible for everyone, that 'family' is in the heart not in a built structure, and that EVERYone will be better off after things settle out.
One last thought that I also wrestled with for a long long time (and still do to some extent)........YOU did not make this decision, she did. You are merely reacting to what she has put into place. You are now at the point where saving yourself is starting to look like a pretty good idea.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 21:54:05 GMT -5
I know TMD and TheBumble have already said this, but since I'm in the middle of a divorce right now, I just have to chime in. You may not be aware of how much your children already sense about your unhappiness and how it bleeds throughout your family life. I thought I was doing a bang-up job of faking it and keeping all my stress and unhappiness hidden from my kids. And yet, one of the first things my daughter said to me after I told her was, "This has been coming for a long time. You've been unhappy for so long." And she is the child I thought would be totally surprised by my decision. They see way more than you think.
Back on EP, I posted about worrying about my kids and how the divorce would affect them. Someone (and I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit) asked me if I thought I was modeling a happy marriage for them. I swear I almost puked at the idea that my kids would go out into life thinking that this is what a marriage should look like. Now they are seeing me take control of my own life and create a happier life for myself. They see my fear and sorrow, too, but those are real parts of life and now they see me facing those hard things and trying to change them instead of pretending everything is ok and burying my feelings. I'm not saying divorce is the answer for everyone, but it also isn't the end of all happiness and security for your children.
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Tonight
Apr 3, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 3, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5
Well, for those of you playing at home, if you guessed "avoidance", then you win.
It's funny because I keep reading about sex and marriage and the one thing that i keep seeing is that sex is a barometer of a marriage. It seems oddly backwards in my situation. When things are going well, sex is not likely. It seems the only motivator that works for her is fear. If she senses that I am thinking of leaving, she is actually receptive or willing. If I seem content and happy then it's like she feels secure enough to reject me. Its messed up, man.
Anyway, I'm not hanging the fate of my marriage on last night. Its just yet another data point to use in my decision making.
Thank you for all your replies, everyone. You all made great points. I am definitely leaning heavily towards leaving. I am putting plans in place. I saw a lawyer a while back as well. Financially, we would be ok. It would be a bit tight for everyone but we'd be fine. I have ideas of how to offer a deal that would keep her and the kids as comfortable as possible and give me enough to start rebuilding my own life on my own. I keep researching apartments nearby and I could afford something right down the road so I could be available for the kids regularly.
I'm just scared. Everyone made good points about how staying will effect the kids. I can definitely vouch for that. I know that staying is not doing them a lot of favors. I just worry that leaving would be worse though. I have such intense fears surrounding the way they would cope. I have daydreams about terrible outcomes coming true. I just worry about them. I love them more than I love myself. So I just worry is all.
I worry about my wife as well. I still care for her. I want to see her live a happy and fulfilling life. I worry about her falling into some deep depression over this and not recovering. Its just all so very scary in general.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 3, 2016 8:28:03 GMT -5
I have such intense fears surrounding the way they would cope. I have daydreams about terrible outcomes coming true. I just worry about them. I love them more than I love myself. So I just worry is all. I worry about my wife as well. I still care for her. I want to see her live a happy and fulfilling life. I worry about her falling into some deep depression over this and not recovering. Its just all so very scary in general. This is destroying your self worth, your esteem. It is eating away your manhood. It is easy to think, " how can I disturb everyone else's life, just for sex?" When that is not the case! You are doing more than your fair share, and being taken advantage of! Google questions like, can children be happy after a divorce. Research shows how children bounce back, recover, and grow stronger. Continue to take ground for yourself, find your joy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 3, 2016 8:33:09 GMT -5
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Post by TMD on Apr 3, 2016 10:04:39 GMT -5
You may not be aware of how much your children already sense about your unhappiness and how it bleeds throughout your family life. I thought I was doing a bang-up job of faking it and keeping all my stress and unhappiness hidden from my kids. And yet, one of the first things my daughter said to me after I told her was, "This has been coming for a long time. You've been unhappy for so long." And she is the child I thought would be totally surprised by my decision. They see way more than you think. My eldest asked me in December if "daddy and you" are getting a divorce. We we haven't said anything to the kids and I was surprised. So I asked her why she would ask that question. And she said, you two never kiss, and asked why we don't. My reply was that we just aren't like that. And she said, "huh, so you're one of those couples." Huh. Yes, we are. I'm still amazed by her level of awareness. And yet, I knew something was up with my dad in the weeks leading up to his leaving. Kids have a sense and know things aren't right. And often much more resilient than we expect them to be. |
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Post by TMD on Apr 3, 2016 10:05:55 GMT -5
It *is* scary, Beeman. It's the big unknown. But I hold faith in those who went before us and not only survived, but thrived.
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 3, 2016 10:39:49 GMT -5
I worry about my wife as well. I still care for her. I want to see her live a happy and fulfilling life. I worry about her falling into some deep depression over this and not recovering. Its just all so very scary in general. That is my big stumbling block. |
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 5, 2016 8:17:20 GMT -5
I worry about my wife as well. I still care for her. I want to see her live a happy and fulfilling life. I worry about her falling into some deep depression over this and not recovering. Its just all so very scary in general. That is my big stumbling block. I have that too, I worry about my husband and how he will be miserable and blame me for that. I am afraid on what he might do. He could be selfdestructive. I have in mind that I will do what I can to make a divorce as smooth as possible. But I am not the only one responsible for that. If I stay both will be miserable. If I leave he will be miserable because he refuses to take responsibility for his own life. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 5, 2016 8:36:30 GMT -5
It's sad that it's seems to be a choice of our happiness or theirs. Another thing that I have tried to express is that physical contact and sex is a part of who I am. It is a need for me. I can't seems to express it to her in a way that she understands it. She seems to say to me "It's just sex" and dismisses it.
She has health issues so I can understand not being in the mood all the time - but never? No physical contact?
I'm not really even sure what the state of my "marriage" is.
And that scares me.
So to all of those who had the courage to take that first step - I salute you.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 5, 2016 8:44:58 GMT -5
My husband has made clear that he doesn't want to touch me because I am not a good wife to him.
Lately he had put a hand on my shoulder a couple of times. And he was offended because I was not very enthusiastic about that.
So, now I am the refuser according to him! insane!
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 5, 2016 10:08:32 GMT -5
My husband has made clear that he doesn't want to touch me because I am not a good wife to him. screw him! Lately he had put a hand on my shoulder a couple of times. And he was offended because I was not very enthusiastic about that. So, now I am the refuser according to him! insane! wow. I'm sorry. talk about transference! |
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Post by Isabellas39 on Apr 6, 2016 9:40:09 GMT -5
I have to repeat something often said by Met on EP, if you have to beg,plead,or debate to get the one you love to be intimate with you then they will never love you the way you desire..That is so very true! When you're with someone that desires you, there's no need to have all these tests, or prerequisites for sex...It all seem so damn draining IMO...
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