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Post by ggold on Jun 26, 2016 19:30:19 GMT -5
I journal. I've been journaling on and off for years. Every so often, I go back and read what life was like for me through my writing.
I came across a journal entry from 1/27/01. Allow me to share an excerpt:
"I would like to be more sexual with my husband. We had a very fulfilling sex life before marriage. After marriage (1993) it went downhill. Sex became infrequent and less exciting. (Same positions, same routine) Even now, I feel very sexually frustrated. I enjoy sex, but still have some inhibitions. I wish I could try new things and be more comfortable with my body. I have tried telling my H what I would enjoy, but he's not into it. Can't he make an exception once in awhile? He's a wonderful husband but not sexually stimulating to me-just so-so. I know more can be done on both of our parts. It will just take some effort. I must make it a point to try, or else. Or else I just won't be 100% satisfied with my sex life."
Obviously, our issues began even before 2001. All of these years.....I just kept thinking it would get better or I was just resigned to have an unsatisfying sex life. I almost want to cry. I am showing him this journal entry tonight. He must see this to understand just how long I've been feeling this way. To be truthful, even seeing this won't make a difference to him but I will show it to him anyway.
Ironically, tomorrow I am consulting with an attorney. He doesn't know. I am beginning to gather information. One step at a time for me...it's all I can handle.
:-(
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 19:44:30 GMT -5
Invariably, when one has a look at ones ILIASM deal, it has been going longer than one thought, and is worse than one thought.
If you have a journal, it shows this pretty starkly when you refer back to it. (I've got one running from March 1999)
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Just out of interest, what are you hoping to achieve by showing him that diary entry ?
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Hope your consult provides you with all the relevant stuff Sister gg.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 26, 2016 19:51:14 GMT -5
Heartbreaking. I'm sorry:(
Don't beat yourself up for taking this long to get an understanding of what it is you're living with, and what it is you need to do whatever that may be.
Best of luck tomorrow, hopefully it gives you some clarity.
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Post by ggold on Jun 26, 2016 19:59:54 GMT -5
Invariably, when one has a look at ones ILIASM deal, it has been going longer than one thought, and is worse than one thought. If you have a journal, it shows this pretty starkly when you refer back to it. (I've got one running from March 1999) - Just out of interest, what are you hoping to achieve by showing him that diary entry ? - Hope your consult provides you with all the relevant stuff Sister gg. I don't know baza. I showed him because I think seeing the words were more powerful than me saying them. It started a dialogue. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 26, 2016 20:02:00 GMT -5
Good luck tomorrow.
Don't beat yourself up about the past just look forward to a better future.
Big hug.
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Post by ggold on Jun 26, 2016 20:02:07 GMT -5
Heartbreaking. I'm sorry:( Don't beat yourself up for taking this long to get an understanding of what it is you're living with, and what it is you need to do whatever that may be. Best of luck tomorrow, hopefully it gives you some clarity. Thank you. It's hard not to beat myself up. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 26, 2016 20:07:35 GMT -5
Heartbreaking. I'm sorry:( Don't beat yourself up for taking this long to get an understanding of what it is you're living with, and what it is you need to do whatever that may be. Best of luck tomorrow, hopefully it gives you some clarity. Thank you. It's hard not to beat myself up. You had no way of knowing what the future would hold at the time of that entry. You've undoubtedly made decisions with what you thought were in the best interest of your family. There is nothing to beat yourself up for. You trusted in him and hoped for the best. It's not your fault he let you down. |
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Post by ggold on Jun 26, 2016 20:12:06 GMT -5
I showed him the journal entry. We had a conversation. Now he's all broken up.
He won't let me go....still holding on to hope. He refuses to allow our family to be torn apart. I don't want that either. I don't.
He admitted he has a call out to a therapist and he wants to talk to a friend who has recently gotten divorced.
I don't know how to get through this. I really don't.
:-(
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 26, 2016 21:05:13 GMT -5
I showed him the journal entry. We had a conversation. Now he's all broken up. He won't let me go....still holding on to hope. He refuses to allow our family to be torn apart. I don't want that either. I don't. He admitted he has a call out to a therapist and he wants to talk to a friend who has recently gotten divorced. I don't know how to get through this. I really don't. :-( Sad to say, there is little surprise there. A page right out of the controller/refuser play book. You have been thrown another shackle on this ever lengthening chain. Sorry to tell you this, truly sorry. However the road to freedom is not an easy one, have faith in the truth, be strong you are gaining ground towards finding your joy! |
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Post by baza on Jun 26, 2016 21:27:49 GMT -5
Your spouse most assuredly does NOT want a divorce.
And for your part, you would *prefer* not to divorce.
This situation appears highly likely to just go on under these circumstances.
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His attitude is that of a person who is NOT interested in a collaborative divorce, so (yet again) if this is in your future, it is going to be up to you to drive that process, with him throwing every impediment he can in your way. A herculian task.
And, as of today, right here, right now, you are (understandably) not up for that.
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After you see your lawyer, you will at least have some of the information you need, and a better idea of just how hard it will be to go down that divorce route, should you choose it.
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Meantime, suggestion -
- you are, presently at least, staying. Own that choice.
It is not your spouses responsibility that you are staying, or anyone else's responsibility either.
If you can get that shift in thinking happening - that you are choosing to stay - you essentially take ownership and shed any victim status you might have.
Maybe some sort of self affirmation might help.
Perhaps along the lines -
"Today I am choosing to stay in my marriage, I am also choosing to investigate the option of ending my marriage, and I am committing to reviewing my present choice to stay once I have the relevant information to do so".
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There is a level of serenity that comes with owning your choice(s).
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2016 10:40:25 GMT -5
I showed him the journal entry. We had a conversation. Now he's all broken up. He won't let me go....still holding on to hope. He refuses to allow our family to be torn apart. I don't want that either. I don't. He admitted he has a call out to a therapist and he wants to talk to a friend who has recently gotten divorced. I don't know how to get through this. I really don't. :-( He refuses to allow our family to be torn apart. He won't let me go. He let go decades ago. And replaced marriage with the false hope of family. marriage, marriage, marriage, has to come first!! Without it there is no family! Aren't you part of the family? The fact that you are torn apart, means nothing? Doesn't that say plenty? Confront him with the logic that the two of you are setting a terrible, false, example of what a marriage should be for the children, " the family". I bet you will hear crickets on that one. if the thoughts of pursuing your own happiness carries too much guilt for now, ( it shouldn't, but it's understandable!) try the logic of " best for the children, a better example, no more false hope". i'm busy convincing myself of the same things. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2016 11:01:38 GMT -5
I can understand why you showed him your journal entry. I always hoped that if I could just get my STBX to see how badly he was hurting me and for how long, then he would change. It took me decades to understand that this is just who he is and he can't really change that, he was doing the best he could do - we were never going to be a good match sexually and for me, it got more and more important while for him, it got less and less important. As Bballgirl would say, we were a mismatch.
When I first got serious about divorce, I thought the guilt was going to kill me. I worried about my kids, I worried about his family and friends, I worried about being able to make it on my own. Divorce is a huge undertaking and there have been times I wasn't sure I was strong enough to get through it, but here I am. And my kids are doing okay. And I've found a job. And the judge didn't fall for my butthead STBX's bullshit.
And I did it all one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up for however long it takes you to get through this process (whether it ends in divorce or not). You can't do things on anyone else's schedule. This is your process - get through it in the way that feels most authentic to you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2016 11:23:20 GMT -5
I can understand why you showed him your journal entry. I always hoped that if I could just get my STBX to see how badly he was hurting me and for how long, then he would change. It took me decades to understand that this is just who he is and he can't really change that, he was doing the best he could do - we were never going to be a good match sexually and for me, it got more and more important while for him, it got less and less important. As Bballgirl would say, we were a mismatch. When I first got serious about divorce, I thought the guilt was going to kill me. I worried about my kids, I worried about his family and friends, I worried about being able to make it on my own. Divorce is a huge undertaking and there have been times I wasn't sure I was strong enough to get through it, but here I am. And my kids are doing okay. And I've found a job. And the judge didn't fall for my butthead STBX's bullshit. And I did it all one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up for however long it takes you to get through this process (whether it ends in divorce or not). You can't do things on anyone else's schedule. This is your process - get through it in the way that feels most authentic to you. You word that so well! Thanks for sharing yourself too! Hooray on the job, the kids and the judge!! i try to get things started, to encourage and help someone. Even better when someone hits a home run with the right words! |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jun 27, 2016 11:32:29 GMT -5
I can understand why you showed him your journal entry. I always hoped that if I could just get my STBX to see how badly he was hurting me and for how long, then he would change. It took me decades to understand that this is just who he is and he can't really change that, he was doing the best he could do - we were never going to be a good match sexually and for me, it got more and more important while for him, it got less and less important. As Bballgirl would say, we were a mismatch. When I first got serious about divorce, I thought the guilt was going to kill me. I worried about my kids, I worried about his family and friends, I worried about being able to make it on my own. Divorce is a huge undertaking and there have been times I wasn't sure I was strong enough to get through it, but here I am. And my kids are doing okay. And I've found a job. And the judge didn't fall for my butthead STBX's bullshit. And I did it all one step at a time. Don't beat yourself up for however long it takes you to get through this process (whether it ends in divorce or not). You can't do things on anyone else's schedule. This is your process - get through it in the way that feels most authentic to you. So agree with this. We have to follow our own path, go at a speed comfortable for us. I looked in in old journals and saw that our issues started within the first year of marriage. I hoped things would get better, but they continually declined. After The Talk in 2011, it took many baby steps until I finally left in 2013: marriage counseling (twice), my visiting a lawyer, me asking for a divorce, me finding a full-time job, me moving out to my own place, court/divorce final. Best to you. |
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 27, 2016 11:56:16 GMT -5
Showing him the journal was good for you. It is a valid, tangible event that declares your state of mind. There is not room for misinterpretation. What he does with this information is his call.
He won't let you go. That again is his call. Will you let him go? That is your call.
He has a call out to a therapist. Relationship reset 101. Does he have an appointment? Unless there is a plan or process commitment between him and the therapist then that alleged call is just a distraction.
He wants to talk to a friend who got divorced. Why? Is that friend a relationship expert? Another distraction.
How will you get through this? As @mountainrunner said "one step at a time". You got through yesterday showing him the journal, you will get through today meeting with the attorney. Tomorrow you will get through the day doing what needs done. Each day a new step, each step a bit closer to your goal.
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