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Post by tamara68 on Jun 27, 2016 2:48:19 GMT -5
Currently, there are 3 members here where I fear for their physical safety. You're one of them Sister tamara. - I reckon your exit is going to need to be a highly clandestine operation. My fears are getting worse, so I think you are right. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 27, 2016 2:52:01 GMT -5
I hope somebody takes your daughter out so she can play in the mud or hang around animals. She needs to get dirty and realize that it is normal. She is 15, and she has never played in the mud. Hanging around animals is one of the things I would like to do with her. There is a long list of things she should be able to do. I can't take her out without her dad, he obstructs everything. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 27, 2016 2:53:25 GMT -5
I've held my tongue, because I don't know your entire situation, but I can't anymore. Please get yourself and your kids, that note (and every other note/text/email) to an abuse shelter ASAP. Please do not wait. Thanks, I am considering this. I will get advice. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 27, 2016 2:57:49 GMT -5
I think this is a very thinly veiled threat, and if it were me, I would be on super red alert about him doing something to hurt your daughter (and himself) to punish you. I don't know your story but this seems in keeping with a pattern of domestic violence that at least in the US often ends up with someone dead. I really hope you don't have any firearms in the house. Do you have a lawyer yet? Do you have a sister, mom, girlfriend, etc who could take you in for a few days? Can you call a local domestic abuse hotline? Please don't wait for him to make this physical. I don't mean to be alarmist but maybe you are so used to this kind of thing that it seems normal to you. It's not. It's really freaking scary. We don't have firearms (we live in Belgium btw). He has never been physical violent. I am alert, I think at the moment there is no immediate threat. But I do need and will get advice to start with. I have no siblings or other close family. Only a 89 year old father who is not very bright and lives far away. My husband has alienated us from all the family (according to him that too is my fault as is everything). |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 27, 2016 6:26:30 GMT -5
I'm so glad that you don't have guns. However, your description of him purposefully isolating you from anyone who could help you is still worrisome and a bad sign. Are there abuse hotlines etc in Belgium that you could call for advice? Generally speaking, Western Europe has good social services. My concern is even if things are not violent today doesn't mean they can't escalate at any moment. Wouldn't it be better to be safe than sorry? Please listen to the many people here who are concerned for your safety and the safety of your daughter.
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Post by Dan on Jun 27, 2016 7:04:06 GMT -5
tamara68 : Can you remind me: are you yourself in talk therapy? If not, please consider it; you may find the extra support to be very valuable at this time. Two reasons: 1) You feel "stuck". Many times that is an "emotional stuck"; individual talk therapy will help you separate all the "competing wants and needs in your own head". ("I want to go but feel I need to stay".) This can often bring clarity -- which, even if it doesn't itself fix the problem, can provide comfort. And sometimes that clarity does lead to a path for some sort of resolution... even if in your case the resolution is "dissolve the marriage". 2) Your therapist may have specific advice on how to handle your H; or what other services YOU can use; or what services are available for HIM to use. For example, there may be support groups in your area that meet periodically that your therapist can direct you to. But here is the real reason I'm bringing this up: please consider taking your daughter to one or more of your therapy appointments. Most therapists I've worked with will happily turn an "individual session" to an impromptu "family therapy session" for the benefit of all involved. Opening the discussion about your H's condition in a supportive, safe, and medically oriented setting may help a) open her eyes, b) give her some new tools for dealing with dad, and most importantly c) open the discussion between you and her "about dad". No matter what her age is, it sounds like you are going to need to have some frank conversations with her about dad -- and about how your lives may be changing -- very soon. You can later decide if she should attend with you regularly, or if she needs her own appointments (one-on-one with the therapist), too.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 27, 2016 7:33:19 GMT -5
I hope somebody takes your daughter out so she can play in the mud or hang around animals. She needs to get dirty and realize that it is normal. She is 15, and she has never played in the mud. Hanging around animals is one of the things I would like to do with her. There is a long list of things she should be able to do. I can't take her out without her dad, he obstructs everything. MAJOR RED FLAG! A father who does not allow his wife alone time with their daughter is abusing both. Call a lawyer immediately! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2016 7:50:16 GMT -5
If I wasn't against putting things in writing I'd tell you to leave him a note that says "you are a piece of shit". I used to tell my husband when he acted like a jerk "one day I'll be done with you", and that day came. It will for you too. One day you'll be done with him. I have responded but not in writing. When he came down in the morning I said "it looks like you want me to leave as soon as possible". I think I better say as little as possible. I have tried to stay calm. At least I was calmer (appearingly) than he. I am so sorry Tamara. I understand your dilemma because of your daughter and being stuck. How old is she? Try to avoid him as much as possible. Honestly be thankful that you don't have to have sex with that piece of shit. One day you will be free. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 27, 2016 7:50:56 GMT -5
I have responded but not in writing. When he came down in the morning I said "it looks like you want me to leave as soon as possible". I think I better say as little as possible. I have tried to stay calm. At least I was calmer (appearingly) than he. I am so sorry Tamara. I understand your dilemma because of your daughter and being stuck. How old is she? Try to avoid him as much as possible. Honestly be thankful that you don't have to have sex with that piece of shit. One day you will be free. I just read her age. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 27, 2016 7:58:35 GMT -5
At some point you will have to communicate to her what's going on privately because he's trying to brainwash her against you by not letting you have a real relationship. I think the suggestion to take her to therapy is great if you can. It's very important to get her out of that house ASAP.
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 27, 2016 8:08:36 GMT -5
Thanks for all your suggestions. I will start with getting personal advice. I have short moments with my daughter alone. I try to talk with her, but that is very limited and difficult. And I think her father has probably given her instructions to keep him informed about what I say. She knows what is going on. She is confronted with it all the time. I understand her for trying to avoid it and for trying to avoid talking about it. I am trying to show her I understand how hard it is for her to be in the middle of it, but also try to make her see that it is impossible to keep the situation as it is. But it is very limited what I can safely say to her.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 27, 2016 8:29:46 GMT -5
Thanks for all your suggestions. I will start with getting personal advice. I have short moments with my daughter alone. I try to talk with her, but that is very limited and difficult. And I think her father has probably given her instructions to keep him informed about what I say. She knows what is going on. She is confronted with it all the time. I understand her for trying to avoid it and for trying to avoid talking about it. I am trying to show her I understand how hard it is for her to be in the middle of it, but also try to make her see that it is impossible to keep the situation as it is. But it is very limited what I can safely say to her. Hello friend! Sounds like you have Sooo much to gain with a mother daughter relationship! And soo much to gain by packing a suitcase and starting over without that abusive wet rat! She is scared too, and rightfully so! Let your motherly instincts flow out of you! Release your wild mamma bear instincts! Do it in the name of your daughter, and yourself! |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 27, 2016 19:18:34 GMT -5
tamara68, a silver lining I see in the distance... You are likely to get shared custody of your daughter, which means you'll gain time with her without H hovering or immediate influence. You clearly don't have that today. If your situation kept up for another 3 years, she would not be required to spend time with you, and H would likely turn his stranglehold to her instead of you. So, one spin on this situation is getting out for your daughter's benefit, so you have some hope of showing her what normal is. Meanwhile, there is the urgent tactical problem of getting out yourself. And if your daughter won't cooperate, you might have to go by yourself, in order to put the wheels in motion to extract her. Perhaps you can make a play for an interim custody order?
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 28, 2016 7:15:35 GMT -5
DryCreek That is the best possible outcome. But a lot has to be done before I am ready to get out. I have made a start though. One step at the time. bballgirl I am trying to avoid stbx as much as possible. And trying to avoid further fights as much as possible. nyartgal I have spoken with my daughter a few times, briefly. She is feeling trapped between us. Her father tells her how wrong I am and that she must support him. And now I am trying to make her see what he does. But that feels just as awful for her as what he does. How can I warn her for her dad without being pushy or without making her feel like she has to chose sides?
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Post by Dan on Jun 28, 2016 9:14:39 GMT -5
I have short moments with my daughter alone. I try to talk with her, but that is very limited and difficult. And I think her father has probably given her instructions to keep him informed about what I say. She knows what is going on. She is confronted with it all the time. I understand her for trying to avoid it and for trying to avoid talking about it. I am trying to show her I understand how hard it is for her to be in the middle of it, but also try to make her see that it is impossible to keep the situation as it is. But it is very limited what I can safely say to her. I think you need to set a FIRM expectation: "I am an adult woman, and will spend time with my daughter when and how I see fit; some of that time might include you. If you can't deal with th at, that is your problem -- find a therapist, and then discuss it with him." You have painted a picture of how much you endeavor to "keep the peace". That with this added dimension -- the way he controls your access to your daughter -- your situation all of a sudden sounds like a good friend of mine. Her hypercontrolling husband tracks her via her cell phone; elbows in on her "friend time"; is reluctant to give them much mother=daughter time. Consider: what advice would you give her? What advice would YOU give to someone in YOUR situation? |
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