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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 9:35:00 GMT -5
Actually my husband and I are affection just not intimate. This is what makes it hard to move forward. Mine is affectionate as well, obnoxiously so in light of the fact that there is absolutely zero "I think you are hot and want to boink your brains out" sex factor to his hugs and pecks. After a few years of only this, it is becoming harder to even desire physical touch from him because it is starting to feel like a bandage on my gaping rejection wound. That's exactly how I used to feel. My guy would still cuddle, and in a way, that made it worse. So close to the line.... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 30, 2016 11:14:05 GMT -5
Mine is affectionate as well, obnoxiously so in light of the fact that there is absolutely zero "I think you are hot and want to boink your brains out" sex factor to his hugs and pecks. After a few years of only this, it is becoming harder to even desire physical touch from him because it is starting to feel like a bandage on my gaping rejection wound. That's exactly how I used to feel. My guy would still cuddle, and in a way, that made it worse. So close to the line.... Boy, does this resonate. W won't sit next to me on the sofa, but she wants to cuddle in bed. God help me if I get excited from it, though. I'm not supposed to anticipate anything more. She expects pecks hello and goodbye, but if I dare try to plant a good one on her, sweep her off her feet, or kiss her neck I've crossed the line. I'm a bit torn, because I get the logic that I should be able to enjoy closeness without sexuality. Not every hug should lead to groping and then to sex. But when it can *never* follow that path... when it's viewed with distain instead of anticipation... I'm at the point of "emotional survival" mode, where it's easier to maintain an arms-length distance. A cold relationship is more tolerable than being constantly teased by the prospect of things that won't happen. But it's not like this is going to result in anything positive. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 30, 2016 13:41:42 GMT -5
Snap!
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Post by Dan on Jul 28, 2016 8:01:25 GMT -5
I am remembering in the EP forum that several women and a few men were given a "green light" to gratify their sexual desires with other partners. The results were mixed as each couple had their own unique rules. One woman's husband's libido increased as she went out with other men. So the premise that his offer is "wrong" may not match his intent. Maybe he is aroused by the thought of lost34 being with another man. The concept of a nonmonogamous relationship is not all that unusual today or throughout history. In this case lost34 needs to have further in depth discussions with her H to determine his true motivation for his statement. She also needs to search deep into her soul to decide how she feels about this. Is it a gift to her or a rebuke? FWIW, I am in agreement with petrushka . If the rest of the relationship is good then taking unilateral celibacy out of the equation can be an improvement, even an act of love. I think jim44444's reply is closest to why I had in mind when I read the OP. lost34: I'm not saying "take him up on it". I'm saying his words as you recount them have a different meaning to me. I hear "you've only been with me; how do you know it will be 'better' with someone else? Why throw what we have away on the suspicion that the 'grass will be greener'? Look, go ahead, have sex -- or even a relationship -- outside the marriage. If that falls flat, I'll still be here for you and we still have our marriage such as it is. If you find true love (or just good sex) and leave me for that, at least I'll know you are leaving for a specific reason." Am I sure this what he means? Of course not! It is just my impression from the way you phrased what he said. But the only way to REALLY know is -- as jim44444 said -- you have to have further in depth discussions. Or: not. I mean, if an in depth discussion revealed this IS what he is saying, but you are still opposed, then maybe there is no point. Separately -- IF this is what he means -- do I agree with your husband? I dunno. There is a bit of logic to it. (But again if you are not interested going outside the marriage for ANY reason, then it isn't a good plan for you.) |
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Post by Dan on Jul 28, 2016 8:18:40 GMT -5
So we finally talked and the reason why he didn't show any care was because he didn't know what to do or how to fix it. He was just happy to go along with whatever I wanted to do. He then said to me that maybe I needed to be with another person since he was the only man I've been with and because I keep complaining about us being intimate. His giving me permission to do so as if our marriage meant nothing. I asked him if the reason he wants me to sleep with someone else is because he wants to sleep if someone else and he said no. Im so confused. : I don't think anyone (on this thread) has asked YOU: do you think you want a divorce? Is it something you want to pursue immediately? Or do you maybe see that as a viable option someday? Or: do you feel you are looking for other options by posting here? |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 28, 2016 8:52:06 GMT -5
So we finally talked and the reason why he didn't show any care was because he didn't know what to do or how to fix it. He was just happy to go along with whatever I wanted to do. He then said to me that maybe I needed to be with another person since he was the only man I've been with and because I keep complaining about us being intimate. His giving me permission to do so as if our marriage meant nothing. I asked him if the reason he wants me to sleep with someone else is because he wants to sleep if someone else and he said no. Im so confused. : I don't think anyone (on this thread) has asked YOU: do you think you want a divorce? Is it something you want to pursue immediately? Or do you maybe see that as a viable option someday? Or: do you feel you are looking for other options by posting here? I'm with Dan on this one. Your husband is happy to go along with what ever you want to do. How do you communicate your wants? You mentioned complaining about being intimate? Does he have a different idea about intimacy than you do? I am not accusing you of this, however in have read many times where women say, " why doesn't he get it? I want him to respond this way , to my hints". The truth may be, he doesn't get any of your hints! Nor does he respond to these hints your way. Will things always be your way? What about his way? Is there compromise, communication? Or does compromise mean agreeing totally with you. ( I ask this because that is what I have lived with for 23 yrs). Let's have more information. may I suggest you do a reversal. Take him out for a night of intimacy, then say, " this is an example of what I desire." And ask for his feedback and be ready to listen and compromise. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2016 20:19:16 GMT -5
That's exactly how I used to feel. My guy would still cuddle, and in a way, that made it worse. So close to the line.... Boy, does this resonate. W won't sit next to me on the sofa, but she wants to cuddle in bed. God help me if I get excited from it, though. I'm not supposed to anticipate anything more. She expects pecks hello and goodbye, but if I dare try to plant a good one on her, sweep her off her feet, or kiss her neck I've crossed the line. I'm a bit torn, because I get the logic that I should be able to enjoy closeness without sexuality. Not every hug should lead to groping and then to sex. But when it can *never* follow that path... when it's viewed with distain instead of anticipation... I'm at the point of "emotional survival" mode, where it's easier to maintain an arms-length distance. A cold relationship is more tolerable than being constantly teased by the prospect of things that won't happen. But it's not like this is going to result in anything positive. You're torn because you're mad as hell that she has unilaterally set the conditions for and character of intimacy in your marriage, while at the same time you're trying to see things from her perspective of being asexual (of which I'm not convinced but you're the one in the situation). You're torn because you're dying to leave but you don't want to. You're torn because you want to have routine daily physical contact but she has set strict rules even in that. And now you're willing to go into a mode of merely surviving, of letting the relationship get even colder, just to...I don't understand what the goal is. But you're committing emotional suicide, my friend. You're trying to kill any remaining spark of passion and life in yourself so you can live by her rules. You may succeed in one day owning your decision to stay, but by then you'll be unrecognizable. |
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Post by unmatched on Jul 28, 2016 20:32:27 GMT -5
That's exactly how I used to feel. My guy would still cuddle, and in a way, that made it worse. So close to the line.... Boy, does this resonate. W won't sit next to me on the sofa, but she wants to cuddle in bed. God help me if I get excited from it, though. I'm not supposed to anticipate anything more. She expects pecks hello and goodbye, but if I dare try to plant a good one on her, sweep her off her feet, or kiss her neck I've crossed the line. I'm a bit torn, because I get the logic that I should be able to enjoy closeness without sexuality. Not every hug should lead to groping and then to sex. But when it can *never* follow that path... when it's viewed with distain instead of anticipation... I'm at the point of "emotional survival" mode, where it's easier to maintain an arms-length distance. A cold relationship is more tolerable than being constantly teased by the prospect of things that won't happen. But it's not like this is going to result in anything positive. That logic of being able to enjoy closeness without sexuality is a huge smokescreen. They say it because it makes it sound like they are the ones who want to be intimate and connected and all you want is sex. But the truth is, they are the ones setting the limits on how much intimacy and connection they are willing to have. Not you. They are saying 'I want you to be close to me and hug me and pretend you are not hurt by the fact that I have big walls up with barbed wire on top that will scratch you every time you do it.' It is not fair, and it is a distortion of the truth. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 28, 2016 20:55:03 GMT -5
Boy, does this resonate. W won't sit next to me on the sofa, but she wants to cuddle in bed. God help me if I get excited from it, though. I'm not supposed to anticipate anything more. She expects pecks hello and goodbye, but if I dare try to plant a good one on her, sweep her off her feet, or kiss her neck I've crossed the line. I'm a bit torn, because I get the logic that I should be able to enjoy closeness without sexuality. Not every hug should lead to groping and then to sex. But when it can *never* follow that path... when it's viewed with distain instead of anticipation... I'm at the point of "emotional survival" mode, where it's easier to maintain an arms-length distance. A cold relationship is more tolerable than being constantly teased by the prospect of things that won't happen. But it's not like this is going to result in anything positive. You're torn because you're mad as hell that she has unilaterally set the conditions for and character of intimacy in your marriage, while at the same time you're trying to see things from her perspective of being asexual (of which I'm not convinced but you're the one in the situation). You're torn because you're dying to leave but you don't want to. You're torn because you want to have routine daily physical contact but she has set strict rules even in that. And now you're willing to go into a mode of merely surviving, of letting the relationship get even colder, just to...I don't understand what the goal is. But you're committing emotional suicide, my friend. You're trying to kill any remaining spark of passion and life in yourself so you can live by her rules. You may succeed in one day owning your decision to stay, but by then you'll be unrecognizable. You speak truth, my friend. An objective person would have left 25 years ago and found a more intimate life. Sticking to my personal beliefs has led me on a long painful journey with no improvement in the end. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2016 20:56:08 GMT -5
Boy, does this resonate. W won't sit next to me on the sofa, but she wants to cuddle in bed. God help me if I get excited from it, though. I'm not supposed to anticipate anything more. She expects pecks hello and goodbye, but if I dare try to plant a good one on her, sweep her off her feet, or kiss her neck I've crossed the line. I'm a bit torn, because I get the logic that I should be able to enjoy closeness without sexuality. Not every hug should lead to groping and then to sex. But when it can *never* follow that path... when it's viewed with distain instead of anticipation... I'm at the point of "emotional survival" mode, where it's easier to maintain an arms-length distance. A cold relationship is more tolerable than being constantly teased by the prospect of things that won't happen. But it's not like this is going to result in anything positive. That logic of being able to enjoy closeness without sexuality is a huge smokescreen. They say it because it makes it sound like they are the ones who want to be intimate and connected and all you want is sex. But the truth is, they are the ones setting the limits on how much intimacy and connection they are willing to have. Not you. They are saying 'I want you to be close to me and hug me and pretend you are not hurt by the fact that I have big walls up with barbed wire on top that will scratch you every time you do it.' It is not fair, and it is a distortion of the truth. Their rules. |
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