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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:24:40 GMT -5
I see that for most the answer is to ultimately move on. I totally get it. I've threatened it. I sit and plan the whole thing out sometimes in my worst and loneliest moments.
Has anyone ever been successful is working this out with their spouse? I mean, is that even possible? I am fearful it is either pull up the big girl panties and deal or cut my losses. Cause really those are my options as it stands now.
I would love to hear any experiences.
What are the steps to finding out if the marriage can be salvaged?
I come from family that doesn't divorce (on both sides)...for ANYTHING. Both of our parents are married to each other. No one else speaks of any marriage issues and we are really the odd balls out, or rather I am, because I really am the only one with the issues. I am serious, no one talks about divorce and it is greatly frowned upon. If I ever leave it will be a new thing. I am always steered to silently cope or pray.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 23, 2016 22:28:59 GMT -5
On EP there were a few cases, but the odds are not good.
It all depends on the type of person your spouse is. It's not fair, but the only way a change will happen is if your spouse decides he wants to save the marriage. Only you can say for sure if it's important enough to him.
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 22:33:57 GMT -5
I understand that, I do.
I don't know that mine can muster the strength. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but that is as far as it goes. I lost my crap today and tonight he was very helpful and quiet. I don't want him to do dishes. I want a relationship. I am very vocal. I do not play games. I tell him exactly what I want and what hurts. He even says this about me.
In the cases that did...was it depression on the spouses part?
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 23, 2016 22:39:26 GMT -5
I understand that, I do. I don't know that mine can muster the strength. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but that is as far as it goes. I lost my crap today and tonight he was very helpful and quiet. I don't want him to do dishes. I want a relationship. I am very vocal. I do not play games. I tell him exactly what I want and what hurts. He even says this about me. In the cases that did...was it depression on the spouses part? It's good you're vocal, keep making it known how dissatisfied you are with the marriage. Of he says he wants to work on it, press him and ask him how he plans on doing it. As for those on EP, idk the details, but I'd guess their spouses realized what they were doing and figured it was better to meet the needs of their spouse than lose them or live in misery. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 23:40:06 GMT -5
These people you think don't have marriage issues most likely do.
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Post by cc on Jun 23, 2016 23:47:29 GMT -5
True.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 23:57:20 GMT -5
If he's 150% committed to repairing your relationship, based on the handful of EP turnarounds it is possible. If he lacks this commitment the likelihood of success is 0. It won't matter what you do, the chance of success is zero.
I'm defining success as having an emotionally and physically satisfying relationship. Your family probably defines a successful marriage as one where they are still living under the same roof. So sit down and think about what success would look like to you. To achieve the latter definition, all you have to do is accept daily rejection, put aside any hope for intimacy with a lifelong partner, and resign yourself to a life of little sex or bad sex. To achieve the former, all you have to do is get your husband to want the same things you do in a marriage. This is meant as snark, not advice. Don't waste 20 years trying to get him to change. He's not going to.
The options that involve staying are not easy. But then neither is divorce, or having an affair without getting caught or getting your heart broken.
Sorry I'm not being much help. But there's no easy way out if this.
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 0:03:24 GMT -5
If he's 150% committed to repairing your relationship, based on the handful of EP turnarounds it is possible. If he lacks this commitment the likelihood of success is 0. It won't matter what you do, the chance of success is zero. I'm defining success as having an emotionally and physically satisfying relationship. Your family probably defines a successful marriage as one where they are still living under the same roof. So sit down and think about what success would look like to you. To achieve the latter definition, all you have to do is accept daily rejection, put aside any hope for intimacy with a lifelong partner, and resign yourself to a life of little sex or bad sex. To achieve the former, all you have to do is get your husband to want the same things you do in a marriage. This is meant as snark, not advice. Don't waste 20 years trying to get him to change. He's not going to. The options that involve staying are not easy. But then neither is divorce, or having an affair without getting caught or getting your heart broken. Sorry I'm not being much help. But there's no easy way out if this. If it were easy I wouldn't be here 18 years later tired of begging and pulling him along with me. I am tired. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 0:14:23 GMT -5
If he's 150% committed to repairing your relationship, based on the handful of EP turnarounds it is possible. If he lacks this commitment the likelihood of success is 0. It won't matter what you do, the chance of success is zero. I'm defining success as having an emotionally and physically satisfying relationship. Your family probably defines a successful marriage as one where they are still living under the same roof. So sit down and think about what success would look like to you. To achieve the latter definition, all you have to do is accept daily rejection, put aside any hope for intimacy with a lifelong partner, and resign yourself to a life of little sex or bad sex. To achieve the former, all you have to do is get your husband to want the same things you do in a marriage. This is meant as snark, not advice. Don't waste 20 years trying to get him to change. He's not going to. The options that involve staying are not easy. But then neither is divorce, or having an affair without getting caught or getting your heart broken. Sorry I'm not being much help. But there's no easy way out if this. If it were easy I wouldn't be here 18 years later tired of begging and pulling him along with me. I am tired. Yes I'm stating the obvious. But as to the original question, I think the consensus will be that if you've begged and dragged him along for 18 years with no substantial change, the answer is no. You both come from families where divorce doesn't happen. You've threatened divorce and you're still married. He probably takes all that as a free pass because you're not going anywhere. He thinks. You still have choices. |
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Post by baza on Jun 24, 2016 4:18:14 GMT -5
In the EP ILIASM group (50,000+ members) the ratio was roughly 1 in 1,600.
Piss all in other words.
This young group, with only 300+ members at present might be different, but it looks pretty similar so far.
And, as a personal observation, I ain't seen a story in here yet that shows any evidence of being recoverable.
Not that that means you ought bolt for the exit. Most people don't, and that's as valid a choice as any.
But there are your odds, 1,599 to 1 roughly.
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 24, 2016 7:01:40 GMT -5
In the EP ILIASM group (50,000+ members) the ratio was roughly 1 in 1,600. Piss all in other words. This young group, with only 300+ members at present might be different, but it looks pretty similar so far. And, as a personal observation, I ain't seen a story in here yet that shows any evidence of being recoverable. Not that that means you ought bolt for the exit. Most people don't, and that's as valid a choice as any. But there are your odds, 1,599 to 1 roughly.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 7:25:12 GMT -5
One of the postulates at EP was: "If it's not medical, it's not getting fixed".
You have to keep working at this -- Because I know you will -- but at some point, you'll have to consider how a "Problem of the Will" can be fixed without engaging the Will.
In other words, if he's not working on this, it's not changing.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 24, 2016 8:58:51 GMT -5
You can't fix a marriage alone. You can't change another person. These are facts. You know this because you've been trying for 18 years with no success.
You have two choices: 1. You can accept your marriage as it is today and not expect any change and be okay with that or 2. Leave.
You may choose 1, you may choose door number 2. But there is no door number 3. You've collected all the data you could possibly need to pull the trigger either way on this one.
I'm sorry, it's very sad to be faced with that choice. I know it's not what you want.
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Post by iceman on Jun 24, 2016 9:07:45 GMT -5
in general, I'm not very optimistic that marriages can be 'fixed'. You, both of you, are who you are and that's not going to change. You can make adjustments and try to be accommodating which might work in the short term, but in the long term no matter how much you want it or how hard you try you revert back to your true nature. I don't buy that people change and grow apart. They are basically the same person now as they were we they married. The only exception that I can see is, as creelunion said above, is if the problem is medical, and I'll extend it to mental, like depression, there may be hope.
Unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that many of us, myself included, simply married the wrong person, or made the mistake of marrying at all. Not everybody should be married but family and society put on a lot of pressure to be married and it's hard to resist that. I've gone down the aisle twice, both times it turns out with the wrong person. I'm sure my wives, if they are honest, would say the same thing about me. I'm really not sure I ever should have married anyone. It doesn't mean that I don't want relationships or children, just not the marriage.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 24, 2016 9:25:28 GMT -5
in general, I'm not very optimistic that marriages can be 'fixed'. You, both of you, are who you are and that's not going to change. You can make adjustments and try to be accommodating which might work in the short term, but in the long term no matter how much you want it or how hard you try you revert back to your true nature. I don't buy that people change and grow apart. They are basically the same person now as they were we they married. The only exception that I can see is, as creelunion said above, is if the problem is medical, and I'll extend it to mental, like depression, there may be hope. Unfortunately, I've come to the conclusion that many of us, myself included, simply married the wrong person, or made the mistake of marrying at all. Not everybody should be married but family and society put on a lot of pressure to be married and it's hard to resist that. I've gone down the aisle twice, both times it turns out with the wrong person. I'm sure my wives, if they are honest, would say the same thing about me. I'm really not sure I ever should have married anyone. It doesn't mean that I don't want relationships or children, just not the marriage. Well said and I agree with everything you said. I do want to talk to the people don't change part though. My refuser, he didn't change and when I met him I was 18 he was 26, I was young naive, a puppet that he controlled and I guess he loved me the best he was capable of. As I grew older the person HE married changed. I got smart and saw the abuse for what it was and that I deserved better. We all do. And yeah marriage is not a necessary piece of the puzzle for me. |
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