The guilt trip

Omg.... the spices thing is so my MIL...she watches our dogs when we go out of town. And always does the "projects" like rearrange the closets....(STAY out of MY stuff!!!!@&#) and then gets mad when we undo it after we get home... I had it that way for a reason...!!!

And my wife is scenario b...if we are out of something and I casually mention it, she goes off on this tired of how broke she is and she doesn't have the money for this and that....i never mention anything like that....ever.... I just do without or handle myself....

It's good to hear I'm not alone! The amount of imaginary content my ex could read into one innocent sentence was extraordinary. And of course, the content was always about HIM, always a criticism of him. He often shocked me with what he "read" between the lines, in reality his own misery and self-doubt that he projected on me.

I used to tell him: "you know, I'm a very direct person and when I have an opinion, I'm not scared to share it. So you don't have to waste time looking for coded messages. If I have a message for you, you'll hear it loud and clear."

Didn't work!!

Okay... I am going to throw myself into the fire on this one!!!

I am the one who gets ticked off at the " oh it looks like we have run out of milk" comments. And would go into a tirade about it! Why?

When you have been the one for decades buying, supplying, groceries, transportation, parts, supplies, repairs, child care, etc.... With little thanks. You figure out that 7 gal. Of milk will last you till Sun evening, and that the fridge can't hold much more. Then when one or two others decide to go over the regular amount, not mention it, or do anything about it themselves( especially when you have three other liscensed drivers,and two work at grocery stores!) then come late ,late Sat. Night they " announce" ," oh look we have run out of milk" or come Sun. Morning they tell you " we ran out of milk yesterday, the kids won't have any this morning ."
The wife expects me to jump out of bed and run to the store, because " she politely mentions we have run out". Sounds like a great opportunity to discuss " sharing the work load around our house, and being RESPONSIBLE for your own actions".

I've learned to just stay in bed and say " oh, I bought seven gallons this week, that's always been enough, don't know about that?" Or " yea, why don't you go buy some?" Then comes the " who drank it all? How old are they? Don't they need to learn responsibility? What are you telling me for?"

Again it sounds like a " control" issue. A one persons , one way of solving things.

Fire away comments, complaints, I am always learning.

You know, passive aggressive is a kind of narcissism. They all think everything is about them, partially because their barely contained rage colors every thing they experience.

I really recommend reading up on this topic if this stuff applies to your spouse---that's what finally freed me from my marriage. My ex was a textbook case and I did a LOT of research which all said it's basically impossible to cure. Plus PAs never think they are the problem because they blame everything on everyone else, so it's very hard for them to seek or listen to help.

If your spouse is PA, things will never change! Trust me, I read three books on this, countless articles and talked to two shrinks. Stick a fork in it. Or them!

...that would be a lot of my wife. I didn't even *know* there was a wrong way to put things in the refrigerator before we moved in.

And apparently every time I annoy her with things like that, it resets some mysterious "closeness counter" to zero. And if she doesn't feel close to me, she doesn't want me to touch her. At all.

A good PA can get you chasing shadows.
A really food PA can act in such a peeved manner that you drive yourself stupid trying to guess what has peeved them off, and how you can fix it.
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A really good PA adopts a position - by body language alone - that says -
"I am upset, it is up to you to figure out why I am upset, and it is up to you to rectify the situation".
And, a good PA can do this without saying a word.
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Your role is to be wrong.
At the first hurdle, if you perceive that the PA is upset and ask if that is the case, you are wrong. They are not upset.
At the second hurdle, even if you guess right about the problem, you are wrong, it was something else.
At the last hurdle (after the turmoil up to here) and you manage to pin down the claimed problem, then the way you fixed it was wrong.
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The main thing a PA needs is another person.
Without that person present to play the game, the game can't go on.
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Best you put a bit of distance between yourself and a PA.
Preferably physical distance, but engagement distance at least.
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They are fucking poison.

This cube has a lot of sides. Just want to shed light on another side of it. Little petty things can add up. The amount of them and the time they continue. Like the frog in the frying pan. They also reflect on the bigger problems. Lack of trust, lack of communication, lack of compromise, lack of respect. And one partner having too much control by having there yes or no be the final deciding factor that is set in concrete for years to come!
An example or two. One spouse desires sex daily. The other once a week. The once a week gets missed. One spouse sees no problem , there's always next week. The other spouse sees it as 140 percent longer wait, and has a problem with it. One miss one time? Why get upset about it? Choose your battles, no big deal right? While the other is thinking," 14 times missed, this drives me crazy!"
Now how does that open communication and compromise happen if the whole problem is looked upon by one as petty, insignificant, no problem at all, it's your problem not mine, I'm great you have problems etc...?

Another example. I do our laundry every weekend. No big deal. I'm washing folding, ironing, hanging, putting away my own stuff anyways, I'll do hers too! It's the years of finding the laundry all over the house and our room, that gets me. Steps away from the laundry basket or the closet. Years of asking for her to put it in the basket. So.. Yes, I " punish her" by not picking it all up every time to wash it. This was something I noticed before marriage. Her place was very clean. Shortly after marriage came the sentence of " you pick yours up every day, I pick mine up once a week, what's the difference?" Turn that clock forward twenty three years to our sons room. My wife asked me, " all kids rooms are messy, did you clean your room when you where a kid?" My answer, " yes! My bed was made every day, and my clothes never hit the floor, that is how I was taught!" Then comes the," it doesn't matter to her, but don't you dare try to fix it!"

This carries on to household chores, finances, responsibilities, relatives, raising children, all the way down to the littlest of things like who will pick up the wet newspaper in the driveway?

On a personal side note. I have to " compromise" with a skilled negotiator. Someone who represents their firm with other high ranking corporate executives. So imagine what happens to me when I mention her clothes constantly laying around the house. There's no compromise it becomes a mind twisting manipulation of keeping things just the way they are. As long as the " solution" fits her agenda!