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Post by iceman on Jun 23, 2016 12:04:46 GMT -5
This all describes my wife perfectly. She'll buy something, food for example, that she wants but when I don't eat it or, God forbid, buy something else that's similar to what she bought, I'll get the look of disdain and she'll accuse me of not respecting her decisions, not supporting her, and all sorts of crap. WTF??? I never asked her to buy what she did. Never hinted that I might like it. I don't care that she bought it and never gave her any crap about buying it. I just don't want it. But to her she was doing me a flavor, even though she clearly bought if for herself, and I should gobble it up, thanking her profusely in between bites.
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Post by iceman on Jun 23, 2016 12:09:56 GMT -5
Omg.... the spices thing is so my MIL...she watches our dogs when we go out of town. And always does the "projects" like rearrange the closets....(STAY out of MY stuff!!!!@&#) and then gets mad when we undo it after we get home... I had it that way for a reason...!!! And my wife is scenario b...if we are out of something and I casually mention it, she goes off on this tired of how broke she is and she doesn't have the money for this and that....i never mention anything like that....ever.... I just do without or handle myself.... My wife does that to me as well. If I travel I can count on her doing something like rearranging something of mine that I wouldn't have approved of if I were home and get quite upset when I express my displeasure. If I were to do that to her she would tried to cut my balls off (okay, not really, but you get the point). Somehow, her doing it me is okay but certainly not the other way around. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 23, 2016 12:16:41 GMT -5
Marriages where they don't bombard each other with little things can survive big things. I know a couple who have been married probably close to 40 years. Many years ago he had an affair. It almost broke them apart but she stayed. I don't know why he did it, perhaps just the stupidity of a young man with an opportunity. They do love each other very deeply, I can tell. They use their marriage to build each other up, not as a weapon. That kind of marriage can survive hitting an iceberg.
The question of what's your breaking point keeps proving relevant. With so many of us who left, it wasn't an apocalyptic event like an affair or violence or finding child porn on the computer. It was just one more drip in the leaky faucet of a dead relationship. One minor squabble, one word added to an otherwise typical argument, and something told the frog to jump the hell out of the kettle. Had my ex and I had a decent relationship, the argument that did it for me would have been long forgotten. We could have survived much worse. I am sure that if my friends' marriage had been dead and toxic, she would have ended it when he had the affair. I do think that would have been the breaking point. But they really did have something to fight for. Maybe that's a good question for those who are staying to ask themselves. Every day is a struggle, so what are you fighting for?
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Post by cagedtiger on Jun 23, 2016 12:41:29 GMT -5
This all describes my wife perfectly. She'll buy something, food for example, that she wants but when I don't eat it or, God forbid, buy something else that's similar to what she bought, I'll get the look of disdain and she'll accuse me of not respecting her decisions, not supporting her, and all sorts of crap. WTF??? I never asked her to buy what she did. Never hinted that I might like it. I don't care that she bought it and never gave her any crap about buying it. I just don't want it. But to her she was doing me a flavor, even though she clearly bought if for herself, and I should gobble it up, thanking her profusely in between bites. My wife has some strange, but slightly similar habits when it comes to food. With her though it's more of a, "I'm hungry for something from <insert take out/ fast food place> so you want anything from there?" Followed by my reply if, "no, I've got these chicken breasts and there's vegetables and brown rice and salad, I'm going to cook those things, but I'll go get your what you want." Which she takes as me judging her on her eating habits and trying to guilt her about them. Maybe inwardly, but she's an adult and makes her own decisions. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 23, 2016 12:54:11 GMT -5
I don't think it's really about the milk and the laundry etc. Of course that stuff is no big deal when you are in a functional relationship. I was using those examples as a metaphor for the arguments around sex. Perhaps your spouse blames the lack of sex on you (your approach, your style, your timing) or maybe your spouse does "nice" things you don't even want while denying you the one thing you DO want. These are forms of passive aggression, and PA is not normal. A PA person has serious emotional issues and a relationship with a PA is inherently dysfunctional. It is death by a thousand cuts. That's why, as Baz says above, they are fucking poison! GC, I think you are repressing so much anger against your wife that, by your description, you are doing some of this too. Not that anything you say or do will change her, but at least FOR YOURSELF you could express your anger instead of raging on the inside and taking it out on her in these PA ways. It's really not a habit you want to start and definitely not one you want to bring into a future relationship. Plus you are modeling it for your kids, and modeling good behavior to your kids is something you talk about a lot. You can't control her behavior but you can control your own. Don't do the laundry if you don't want, or don't do hers. But whatever you do, be open about what and why. Punishing someone by not washing all their socks is not going to get you anywhere. Tell her to go fuck herself if that's what you're actually feeling. I sure wish my ex had done that instead of torturing me for years with tiny slights that just served to kill any chance at fixing our marriage. This is an EXCELLENT book on the topic: www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Aggression-Boardroom/dp/0671870742 and this is also a great article: divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/Is-Your-Spouse-Passive-Aggressive.htm. |
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