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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 3:10:17 GMT -5
Yeah, I can believe that Sister Fiery.
That thread by unjusted about dealbreakers tends to endorse what you say.
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A lot of people will *say* that infidelity is a dealbreaker, but when confronted with that as a fact, it may well not be. (Our own Brother frustrated78 is an obvious example of that - from both sides of that coin)
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Rather, it would be a further opportunity to hang over the spouses head, and go on with the dysfunctional marriage with increased levels of seething resentment, with the "injured party" refuser further entrenched in control of the dynamic.
Suffice to say, the outcome of discovered infidelity is most extremely unlikely to result in an enhanced dysfunctional marriage.
It might not result in the refuser divorcing you, but I bet it would make you wish they had !!!!!!
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And, as far as the mastery of technology goes, I am a complete fuckwit !!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 11:59:53 GMT -5
Yeah, I can believe that Sister Fiery. That thread by unjusted about dealbreakers tends to endorse what you say. - A lot of people will *say* that infidelity is a dealbreaker, but when confronted with that as a fact, it may well not be. (Our own Brother frustrated78 is an obvious example of that - from both sides of that coin) - Rather, it would be a further opportunity to hang over the spouses head, and go on with the dysfunctional marriage with increased levels of seething resentment, with the "injured party" refuser further entrenched in control of the dynamic. Suffice to say, the outcome of discovered infidelity is most extremely unlikely to result in an enhanced dysfunctional marriage. It might not result in the refuser divorcing you, but I bet it would make you wish they had !!!!!! - And, as far as the mastery of technology goes, I am a complete fuckwit !!! Yes, you should be so lucky that they would divorce you. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:05:48 GMT -5
Also, if you get caught a divorce may be the least of your worries. In some jurisdictions that might result in your refuser getting a more favorable settlement. You may lose any positive relationship with your refuser what so ever (for some no big deal since it was never going to happen with their refuser post-split, for others who have a valued friendship with their refuser that could be a real bummer). And then the possibility of being judged harshly by mutual friends and whoever in the community knows you and finds out you've cheated on your spouse.
For myself, I was ready to get out and didn't want to get caught but figured divorce is where we were headed anyway so while I was cautious I wasn't as paranoid as I probably should have been. I wasn't caught and I'm really thankful because the separation and life changes were painful enough (and some "friends" were judgmental enough) without adding the burden of spousal and public knowledge of infidelity to the mix.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 21:57:37 GMT -5
Also, if you get caught a divorce may be the least of your worries. In some jurisdictions that might result in your refuser getting a more favorable settlement. You may lose any positive relationship with your refuser what so ever (for some no big deal since it was never going to happen with their refuser post-split, for others who have a valued friendship with their refuser that could be a real bummer). And then the possibility of being judged harshly by mutual friends and whoever in the community knows you and finds out you've cheated on your spouse. For myself, I was ready to get out and didn't want to get caught but figured divorce is where we were headed anyway so while I was cautious I wasn't as paranoid as I probably should have been. I wasn't caught and I'm really thankful because the separation and life changes were painful enough (and some "friends" were judgmental enough) without adding the burden of spousal and public knowledge of infidelity to the mix. In a few jurisdictions your lover can be on the hook for a civil suit from your spouse. |
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Post by baza on Jun 21, 2016 22:18:06 GMT -5
The whole thread and responses make a very compelling case for getting appropriate legal advice BEFORE you get your dick out of your trousers.
At the very least, you can establish what the ante is likely to be before you join the game.
THEN you can make a fully informed choice as to whether you are going to play, or not.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2016 22:15:56 GMT -5
Or before you invite dick INTO your trousers, as the case may be ;-)
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 22, 2016 22:33:37 GMT -5
"Permission to fuck freely, sir?!"
Ok, so my mind goes curious places when I envision asking an attorney for the "all clear"...
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 23, 2016 13:04:23 GMT -5
I only outsourced at the very end, but I still have an almost story.
My husband never called me on the phone. If there was calling, it was me calling him. So, I never expected a call. Then when I was sitting at an outdoor café in a tropical locale when the refuser thought I was trapped in a blizzard on the other side of the country, my phone rang. I was surprised and just decided to ignore it. But it persisted. He phoned me four times and texted me. I figured it was best to keep up the "I didn't hear it," ruse by ignoring. Finally, he texted that it was an emergency and I was worried that something had gone on with one of my children.
But I was racking my brain to figure out how I might explain the ambient noise should the refuser notice while we talked. Birds, a light wind, and conversation do not scream hiding inside from a blizzard. I called him and said that I hadn't heard the phone and asked what was up. It was a super lame story about how his daughter (my step-daughter) may have used his credit card to buy $100 worth of clothes. He was frantic to find out if I'd used his card. Uhhhh, never have and how is that an emergency?
He didn't seem to notice the ambient noises, but I was prepared to tell him that I was in the coffee shop in the mall and they had "spring" sounds on.
Oddly, he later told me that his daughter had not used his card, but he hadn't really figured it out, but didn't think it was a big deal. It sounded like a very weird story and resolution. He may or may not have been onto me, but he certainly didn't get any information out of me with his bizarre and sudden need for phone communication. It could have been a huge pain to explain that and while I was talking to him I realized that there was a possibility, no matter how remote, that he could have figured out the password to my bank account and seen the plane fare on there. I don't think he did because I had everything locked down pretty tight, but it's possible.
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Post by Dan on Jul 6, 2016 18:01:41 GMT -5
One of my APs told me this story: when she was first breaking up with her husband, she took a boyfriend on the side, named Pete. Since the divorce was not yet complete, she had to keep it a secret.
She decided to get her daughter a parakeet... and she named it Pete. That way, if she let something slip with the name "Pete", she could attempt to cover her tracks by making up something about how she was talking about the parakeet...
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Post by Dan on Jul 6, 2016 18:08:13 GMT -5
In a few jurisdictions your lover can be on the hook for a civil suit from your spouse. I looked in to this once: I think that is called "suing for alienation of affections": the concept being if some man woos my wife away from me, I can sue HIM for causing my wife's affections toward me to dwindle; he has harmed me, and I can take this recourse. I think that is a VERY OLD course of legal action, and -- as far as I understood in my research -- is either officially abolished or basically toothless for all intents and purposes. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affectionsUPDATE: Seems like this tort is alive and well in Hawaii, North Carolina, Mississippi, New Mexico, South Dakota, and Utah; verdicts (some with large monetary penalties) have been won against APs by jilted spouses. I'm not sure what the burden of proof is: just that "sex happened"? Or that the lover ACTIVELY undermined a "perfectly good marriage" and "seduced an otherwise faithful spouse"? If you are in this situation (your AP is married and lives in one of those six states), I guess this is one more way you need to CYA while outsourcing. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2016 18:15:15 GMT -5
One of my APs told me this story: when she was first breaking up with her husband, she took a boyfriend on the side, named Pete. Since the divorce was not yet complete, she had to keep it a secret. She decided to get her daughter a parakeet... and she named it Pete. That way, if she let something slip with the name "Pete", she could attempt to cover her tracks by making up something about how she was talking about the parakeet... Genius! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2016 18:17:14 GMT -5
In a few jurisdictions your lover can be on the hook for a civil suit from your spouse. I looked in to this once: I think that is called "suing for alienation of affections": the concept being if some man woos my wife away from me, I can sue HIM for causing my wife's affections toward me to dwindle; he has harmed me, and I can take this recourse. I think that is a VERY OLD course of legal action, and -- as far as I understood in my research -- is either officially abolished or basically toothless for all intents and purposes. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affectionsHappened to a good friend of mine's sister that lives in Mississippi. The wife sued her and won. Was awarded $10,000.00 about 5 years ago. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 6, 2016 19:10:46 GMT -5
One of my APs told me this story: when she was first breaking up with her husband, she took a boyfriend on the side, named Pete. Since the divorce was not yet complete, she had to keep it a secret. She decided to get her daughter a parakeet... and she named it Pete. That way, if she let something slip with the name "Pete", she could attempt to cover her tracks by making up something about how she was talking about the parakeet... "Dear, why do you keep renaming the bird?" |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2016 19:51:42 GMT -5
My life only got better after divorce.
For me outsourcing was a helpful step in the process to get a divorce.
It gave me the confidence and self esteem boost I needed to know it's not me. I worked through a lot of my grief during the marriage. By the time I was divorced I was done. Each month I cry less. In July I had one day I was sad and it was focused around the thoughts of how could he have treated me that way. It lasted ten minutes then I was fine. When I went to individual therapy I remember an issue was the crying. I wanted to stop crying. I cried often.
The therapist said why is it bad that you cry? If you need to do it.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2016 22:02:38 GMT -5
One of my APs told me this story: when she was first breaking up with her husband, she took a boyfriend on the side, named Pete. Since the divorce was not yet complete, she had to keep it a secret. She decided to get her daughter a parakeet... and she named it Pete. That way, if she let something slip with the name "Pete", she could attempt to cover her tracks by making up something about how she was talking about the parakeet... "Dear, why do you keep renaming the bird?" Hilarious!! Or How many birds are you going to buy? |
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