|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 16, 2016 22:46:43 GMT -5
angryspartan , I have to agree with that one. When I keep my expectations of those around me low, I'm much happier. That is one key to my current positive mindset. 110% with you on this one. The same technique is also useful when our annual salary review comes around and our raises are given to us. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 1:43:36 GMT -5
I do not burn bridges, because it is a "negative" action. I believe in Karma, so my struggle has been to reframe my inner dialogue. It has taken me the better part of my 40s trying to eliminate negative people, and negative self-talk. But I also know, that "you can never go home again." There is a reason why I might "burn a bridge." In most cases, that reason still exists. And with it, more, unnecessary rancor. So, while I may not burn the bridge, I will ensure that I never walk that way. I think this quote says it better than I.  |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 17, 2016 2:39:34 GMT -5
I realise that the post is more about helpful sayings generally rather than bridge burning specifically, but it brought back some bad old memories to me.
-
As far as bridge burning, I was a regular pyromaniac back in the day.
In both my personal and professional life.
-
It did me (or anyone else) no good.
And the penny dropped eventually, that as per Z's post (just above here) all I was succeeding in doing was poisoning myself.
|
|
|
|
Post by thefullmoon on Jun 17, 2016 3:02:33 GMT -5
I don't burn bridges... the river is never the same..the bridge might change dramaticaly as well... Attachments:
|
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Jun 17, 2016 3:11:58 GMT -5
Burning bridges? Nah, waste of matches and oxygen, plus, they might be useful materials another day.
Unless, of course, you're being persecuted by an army. But that is a different topic.
On the other hand, I am all in favour of walking away from toxic situations, toxic people. And not
looking back with longing. Mostly, toxic people and toxic situations don't change, don't improve.
Just .... [what's the aphorism here?] leaving behind, footsteps in the sand, something or other.
Let them take care of themselves. None of us can carry the whole world on their shoulders, so
you're better off carrying something worth while!
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 17, 2016 5:26:53 GMT -5
OK -- I specifically start of thread about burning things... Where is Rhapsodee 's reply? Heck, she usually adds "burn it" as a solution to threads that are NOT about burning things! |
|
|
|
Post by iceman on Jun 17, 2016 8:40:59 GMT -5
I don't think I'll have a choice if I go ahead and divorce my wife. That act of crossing the bridge to my new life will effectively burn the bridge and there will be no going back even I had a bout of insanity and wanted to go back to her. She would never take me back and that's good. I wouldn't want to succumb to a moment of weakness and find myself right back to where I started. Hopefully in time we can find a way to be friends. We are still the parents of our children after all and I do care about her but that may take a while for the hurt to heal.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 17, 2016 9:19:01 GMT -5
OK -- I specifically start of thread about burning things... Where is Rhapsodee 's reply? Heck, she usually adds "burn it" as a solution to threads that are NOT about burning things! I only burn stupid things. Your post needs to be framed and hung on the wall. |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 17, 2016 9:32:17 GMT -5
You can spend your whole life worrying about bridges you shouldn't ever need again, or you could go and build new ones elsewhere. That is to say, go get what you want out of life laid and stop being soooo nice about it! ... If you have someone who is honestly working with you willingly (of their own desire -- not just afraid to lose the convenience you provide or navigating ultimatums), then please continue upkeep of said bridge, because they are actually worth it and will always care for you, even after you move on to lead the life you truly yearn for. Thank you, @chrysalis and iceman ! You managed to pivot the discussion in the sense that I originally had about this quote. One of the pleasant surprises of asking an open ended question here is not only all the different answers that I get… but the different interpretations of the question! Some stated how they hope to have an "amicable divorce", and thus they are not “burning that bridge”. And then there are other comments about how “violent” and “destructive” a “bridge burning” can be. Or even just a waste of time/oxygen/matches. Interesting! That is not how I took the phrase "burning a bridge" at all. To me it is more related to “make a decision to move on”. It is the opposite of “sitting on the fence”. It is the opposite of “keeping a door open”. It was not really about violence. To my mind, if/when I divorce will DEFINITELY be burning a bridge -- even if it is cordial. After all, I will NOT be remarrying her, nor will she want that. So that bridge is burnt! But there is another way that the "bridge question" helps me realize I really SHOULD divorce. It goes like this: For me, I have gone through phases of my SM where I have outsourced. Once I “crossed that bridge” the first time -- quite a hurdle -- I found it easier to cross with successive crossing. Sure, in some periods I have elected to not seek a side-relationship. But even in those I’ve never decided “I’m done with it; I won’t ever do it again”. (While I'm still in THIS marriage, that is; I still DO want to be in a monogamous sexual relationship someday again.) So that -- outsourcing -- is a bridge I have NOT burnt. (Curiously -- because I keep it as a "bridge I may revisit" -- it has had a roll in allowing me to stay in my SM for quite some time. But that is probably the germ of a different discussion which should get its own thread.) Which brings me back to contemplating my marriage: if I’m not able to commit to staying (and staying faithful), maybe that is a sign that I SHOULD cross that bridge OUT of the marriage. And -- as cordial and kind as I will endeavor to make it -- it will DEFINITELY be a bridge burnt. |
|
|
|
Post by Rhapsodee on Jun 17, 2016 10:27:43 GMT -5
- What are the bridges you are facing?
- You might know what is on THIS side of the bridge; do you know what is on the other side of the bridge?
- Is that knowledge comforting? Or lack of knowledge (of "Opposite Land") disconcerting?
- What bridges will you cross? Will you burn them after you cross? (Divorce seems like that, no?)
- What bridges are so scary that you will burn BEFORE you cross them?
I despise cutesy, trite sayings. This one is a good one. What bridges am I facing? There are two. One bridge is pursuing a new career at the age of 56. I want to be a personal trainer. It is the only thing, other than art that holds my attention and interest. I could rebuild my framing business or go to work for a frame shop or art store. I look at the other bridge. The long narrow scary one with missing pieces that I would have to jump over and risk falling through into the abyss. I can't cross it until I cross the first one. This side of the first bridge, I see that the school I want to go to is expensive and there is no guarantee I will get employment. I also see that having my own money would be liberating. It would add pieces to the second bridge and make it much shorter. That knowledge is disconcerting because I will be liberated and not entirely financially dependent on my husband. I see the risk as well as the freedom. The second bridge will look safe and inviting. I need the first bridge. I need its promise of a better life. The second bridge, the one that would take me away from a sexless marriage, I need it too. I may not ever use it but I don't think I can burn it. I need to look at it every day. I need to know it is there. The question is, do I insist that my husband cross it with me and have a real marriage? Do I give him an ultimatum? Do I cross it alone and go to someone that wants me? Can I keep the bridge as a safety net if I do cross it? Will the holes get smaller after I cross the first bridge, or will I find other reasons to stay? |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 17, 2016 11:20:28 GMT -5
Sometimes you burn bridges to keep yourself from going back.
Sometimes you burn them to keep the crazies from following you.
But I do agree with the sentiment of generally not burning bridges, at least not in my professional life. I've discovered the world is smaller than you might think, especially if you stay in the same geography and field for decades.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 16:01:47 GMT -5
I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm starting a lot of new things. So, I'm not sure bridge-burning is a good metaphor for me right now.
I dislike conflict and like things to stay harmonious. So, if I ever get to a point where I burn bridges, you KNOW I'm pissed off. You know that I have done a lot of thinking and have decided I have nothing to lose.
I want to stay on reasonably good terms with my ex. I (along with @zumbamami) do not need any more negative karma! And, if I ever need his help with anything (or vice versa), it will be easier if we are not awful to each other. Those of you who have children together, pets together, own property together, etc. can probably relate.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 16:26:49 GMT -5
I'm in a place right now where I feel like I'm starting a lot of new things. So, I'm not sure bridge-burning is a good metaphor for me right now. I dislike conflict and like things to stay harmonious. So, if I ever get to a point where I burn bridges, you KNOW I'm pissed off. You know that I have done a lot of thinking and have decided I have nothing to lose. I want to stay on reasonably good terms with my ex. I (along with @zumbamami) do not need any more negative karma! And, if I ever need his help with anything (or vice versa), it will be easier if we are not awful to each other. Those of you who have children together, pets together, own property together, etc. can probably relate. OMG. I'm so glad you said this @smartkat!! I was a bit taken aback with the "stop being all sunny and positive," remarks. But...meh Unlike other folks, the ONLY thing I don't have in my marriage is sex. H and I are best friends, date pals and business partners. He has never been anything but complimentary to/about me and celebrated all my accomplishments. So, yes, absolutely, I will stay positive. Those who know me IRL know that my h has my complete respect, support and love. I have not, do not and will not say a cross word about him. And, no, this is not a request for any sort of "advice," thanks! xoxoxoxo |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2016 6:45:08 GMT -5
Amen for you ladies, z and @smartkat. I believe in karma too and besides that, I don't care to ever stoop to my refuser's level. I'm just not going there. I understand if there's grievous abuse or if you have a stalker situation that maybe the bridge needs to be removed so the person can't follow you. But for many of us, as SmartKat said, with shared children and posessions, being amicable is ideal. I spend a lot of time thinking about why it is my refuser does what he does, and I know there is pain behind it. That pain is what I have compassion for. It doesn't mean I'm going to let him hurt me forever, but it does allow me to understand that it's NOT about ME. Knowing that goes a long way towards dropping some of the anger and hurt I've held onto over the years. And makes it much easier to think about being kind and compassionate when I leave. |
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Jun 18, 2016 10:07:36 GMT -5
But I do agree with the sentiment of generally not burning bridges, at least not in my professional life. I've discovered the world is smaller than you might think, especially if you stay in the same geography and field for decades.
But there are examples there where you have to make a CHOICE, take your chances, and cross a bridge at the expense of "burning" another:
- In business you sometimes will agree to an exclusive arrangement with one company so as to gain the benefits that such an arrangement will provide... even at the "expense" of leaving other sales/work/relationships as untapped.
- In extreme family or friend situations, it may at some point become necessary to greatly limit -- or even cut out -- a relationship with a severely caustic friend/family member in order to preserve the rest of your family or friend relationships... or even just your own sanity and well being.
So it is in this vein that I posed the original question:
- Generally, the people stuck in SMs are very loving and giving: they want to receive intimacy/love/sex from their spouse; and they stick around pouring out support/intimacy/care while they are working on the marriage... to uncertainty as to whether it will turn around or not.
At some point: "keep a door open" or "keep that bridge available" becomes contrary to your own well being.
I just hope the bridge analogy may be useful for those of us who are deciding on which side of the river they are going to spend the rest of their lives.
Perhaps this was said oh-so-succinctly by sodone1492 , in this thread:
Don't let anyone bitch-slap you into leaving your marriage before you're ready. At the same time, don't stay because you're afraid to start over. You get one life. Live it.
|
|
