carpy
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by carpy on May 19, 2024 12:55:58 GMT -5
For those of you also choosing to stay( for now),Im curious what coping mechanisms work for you. I try to always have lots of outside activities - sports, dyi projects, long walks that keep me out of the house. I try to meet up with a friend(unfortunately without benefits) at least once a week. I read a lot and listen to podcasts- although these last 2 can lead to trouble as I often start looking for magic answers and " why" chasing and can get obsessed/depressed pretty quickly when "professionals " hash over the same ground of "date nights", choreplay and communication as simple answers to the SM. Just looking for other's experiences of things that ease the burn of living with a SM.
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Post by northstarmom on May 19, 2024 16:05:19 GMT -5
Individual therapy was of great help to me when I was choosing to stay. As a result of the individual therapy, I became more independent of my spouse, made more friends and pursued without him more activities that interested me but weren't of great interest to him. I learned to stop basing my happiness on his actions toward me. I stopped expecting or hoping for change from him. I also moved out of our bedroom, which made it easier for me to accept that we were basically roommates, not lovers.
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carpy
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by carpy on May 19, 2024 17:25:36 GMT -5
Individual therapy was of great help to me when I was choosing to stay. As a result of the individual therapy, I became more independent of my spouse, made more friends and pursued without him more activities that interested me but weren't of great interest to him. I learned to stop basing my happiness on his actions toward me. I stopped expecting or hoping for change from him. I also moved out of our bedroom, which made it easier for me to accept that we were basically roommates, not lovers. Yes I should have added I see a great therapist that helps when things are toughest. Did the bedroom move out go smoothly? I have done this on occasion- having covid, or when she is having a hard time sleeping.it is so liberating to not feel like I have to keep the charade going, she demands I come back because "married people sleep in the same bed"
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Post by mirrororchid on May 20, 2024 5:41:59 GMT -5
Individual therapy was of great help to me when I was choosing to stay. As a result of the individual therapy, I became more independent of my spouse, made more friends and pursued without him more activities that interested me but weren't of great interest to him. I learned to stop basing my happiness on his actions toward me. I stopped expecting or hoping for change from him. I also moved out of our bedroom, which made it easier for me to accept that we were basically roommates, not lovers. Yes I should have added I see a great therapist that helps when things are toughest. Did the bedroom move out go smoothly? I have done this on occasion- having covid, or when she is having a hard time sleeping.it is so liberating to not feel like I have to keep the charade going, she demands I come back because "married people sleep in the same bed" She's never seen "I Love Lucy?" The obvious, pointless response is, "Married people do more than sleep". Want to try switching rooms again? And stick to your guns this time? You like it, and dislike sleeping in a dead bedroom. Require her to sweeten the pot... and none of that starfish BS. You're allowed to refuse bad sex. Does she not feel married when she's in bed alone? Good. That unease is telling her the same thing you feel daily. Disconnection. Marriage in deep deep trouble. You feed her delusion letting her have that marital prize while living like a spinster or school child. It may help her see her future if nothing changes. As far as coping, I why chased a lot and consumed almost daily erotica so my hormones didn't have me constantly thinking about sex. I'd refrain as weekends came, just in case. Then I stopped doing that. After the reset I'm largely doing the same things, but refrain on Friday of weekend three. She's not uncommonly game to connect every three weeks. No idea why, but it's enough to Choose to Stay.
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Post by csl on May 20, 2024 8:27:48 GMT -5
Individual therapy was of great help to me when I was choosing to stay. As a result of the individual therapy, I became more independent of my spouse, made more friends and pursued without him more activities that interested me but weren't of great interest to him. I learned to stop basing my happiness on his actions toward me. I stopped expecting or hoping for change from him. I also moved out of our bedroom, which made it easier for me to accept that we were basically roommates, not lovers. Yes I should have added I see a great therapist that helps when things are toughest. Did the bedroom move out go smoothly? I have done this on occasion- having covid, or when she is having a hard time sleeping.it is so liberating to not feel like I have to keep the charade going, she demands I come back because "married people sleep in the same bed" Um, you do know that there is an alternative to "Yes, dear," when she "demands," right?
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Post by toughtiger on May 20, 2024 8:52:57 GMT -5
I tried it all working out a-lot.... new job to throw myself in.... online friend does not meet the physical needs........ we sleep separate i tell him it is his snoring but it makes my skin crawl to pretend all is well ... i quit wearing my ring and call him my roommate ... read tons of BS and podcasts that are laughable ..... one had fake conversations that were so silly and solved everything in 3 minutes lmao...
another podcast..... that suggested as women "just let husband have sex and work your way into enjoying it" and for us lucky ladies with refuser husbands we should be "trying all we can if with 2 strokes or lost erection to scream in joy to BOOST his confidence." "if he had issues his greatly inflated ego will greatly inflate his penis." ....
I would LOVE to say this was older episode but actually posted withing the last month..... who are these people and are they really this clueless.
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on May 20, 2024 10:33:36 GMT -5
Yeah I'm on full week of her moving out of bedroom. Arguments of I'm not the man she married anymore and she shouldn't have to change and its me that changed and I tell her she is right. I'm tired of kissing her ass and initiating all 30 plus years.
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carpy
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by carpy on May 20, 2024 11:07:44 GMT -5
Yes I should have added I see a great therapist that helps when things are toughest. Did the bedroom move out go smoothly? I have done this on occasion- having covid, or when she is having a hard time sleeping.it is so liberating to not feel like I have to keep the charade going, she demands I come back because "married people sleep in the same bed" Um, you do know that there is an alternative to "Yes, dear," when she "demands," right? Of course, but the exhausting gas lighting and battles that come with choosing to stay has made me so checked out that I just drift along a lot now, just to have a little peace.
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carpy
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by carpy on May 20, 2024 11:13:52 GMT -5
I tried it all working out a-lot.... new job to throw myself in.... online friend does not meet the physical needs........ we sleep separate i tell him it is his snoring but it makes my skin crawl to pretend all is well ... i quit wearing my ring and call him my roommate ... read tons of BS and podcasts that are laughable ..... one had fake conversations that were so silly and solved everything in 3 minutes lmao... another podcast..... that suggested as women "just let husband have sex and work your way into enjoying it" and for us lucky ladies with refuser husbands we should be "trying all we can if with 2 strokes or lost erection to scream in joy to BOOST his confidence." "if he had issues his greatly inflated ego will greatly inflate his penis." .... I would LOVE to say this was older episode but actually posted withing the last month..... who are these people and are they really this clueless. I totally agree. I think I have tried every podcast I could find on SM and they all are complete trash (except mirrororchid's Refused) If I hear one more life coach tell me to try cleaning up around the house I will stomp my airpods into dust.
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 20, 2024 11:21:54 GMT -5
I tried it all working out a-lot.... new job to throw myself in.... online friend does not meet the physical needs........ we sleep separate i tell him it is his snoring but it makes my skin crawl to pretend all is well ... i quit wearing my ring and call him my roommate ... read tons of BS and podcasts that are laughable ..... one had fake conversations that were so silly and solved everything in 3 minutes lmao... another podcast..... that suggested as women "just let husband have sex and work your way into enjoying it" and for us lucky ladies with refuser husbands we should be "trying all we can if with 2 strokes or lost erection to scream in joy to BOOST his confidence." "if he had issues his greatly inflated ego will greatly inflate his penis." .... I would LOVE to say this was older episode but actually posted withing the last month..... who are these people and are they really this clueless. I totally agree. I think I have tried every podcast I could find on SM and they all are complete trash (except mirrororchid's Refused) If I hear one more life coach tell me to try cleaning up around the house I will stomp my airpods into dust. Right there with you - I swear I feel like hunting down these "experts" who simply tell you to be the man she wants, try harder, regain your frame... or do more housework (Choreplay as opposed to foreplay).
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carpy
New Member
Posts: 19
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Post by carpy on May 20, 2024 11:26:31 GMT -5
Yes I should have added I see a great therapist that helps when things are toughest. Did the bedroom move out go smoothly? I have done this on occasion- having covid, or when she is having a hard time sleeping.it is so liberating to not feel like I have to keep the charade going, she demands I come back because "married people sleep in the same bed" She's never seen "I Love Lucy?" The obvious, pointless response is, "Married people do more than sleep". Want to try switching rooms again? And stick to your guns this time? You like it, and dislike sleeping in a dead bedroom. Require her to sweeten the pot... and none of that starfish BS. You're allowed to refuse bad sex. Does she not feel married when she's in bed alone? Good. That unease is telling her the same thing you feel daily. Disconnection. Marriage in deep deep trouble. You feed her delusion letting her have that marital prize while living like a spinster or school child. It may help her see her future if nothing changes. This is great advice. I fear I have become so worn down and complacent that I don't even fight these simple battles anymore. I let her be comfortable I'm her refuser role. As far as coping, I why chased a lot and consumed almost daily erotica so my hormones didn't have me constantly thinking about sex. I'd refrain as weekends came, just in case. In my 30's and 40's I did this exact thing.Trying to keep that hunger away. Now I just take care of myself whenever I want to. In a state of " post nut clarity" I can see this all for how pointless and hopeless it is, this helps me cope for some reason. After the reset I'm largely doing the same things, but refrain on Friday of weekend three. She's not uncommonly game to connect every three weeks. No idea why, but it's enough to Choose to Stay.
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 20, 2024 11:55:09 GMT -5
Every 3 weeks seems to be aligned with a hormone induced cycle
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Post by catlover on May 20, 2024 14:14:48 GMT -5
I have immersed myself in my hobby of laser engraving. A lot of concentration when designing and experimenting and occasionally sell some of my work. I have also joined the local lions chapter, making a bunch of new friends (I am very much an introvert, so it is not easy for me to be outgoing). Coincidentally, I have a new fwb couple (he introduced me to the idea of joining the lions) who I have now had playtime with 3 times. Long may it last. They only live 10km from me, so close enough and far enough. They do know all about my wife”s condition too. i must add, being a caregiver and sexless has taken a toll on my mental health. I am constantly tired, don’t get more than 5 hours of sleep a night and very resentful. She will cuddle into me sometimes watching tv and also while I am in bed, but that’s as far as things go. If I try and reciprocate in any way I pretty much get pushed away. “Don’t disturb me when I’m trying to sleep”. FML! Been 9 years next month since we had ANY intimacy of any sort.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 20, 2024 19:55:33 GMT -5
...read tons of BS and podcasts that are laughable ..... I would LOVE to say this was older episode but actually posted within the last month..... who are these people and are they really this clueless. I totally agree. I think I have tried every podcast I could find on SM and they all are complete trash (except mirrororchid's Refused) If I hear one more life coach tell me to try cleaning up around the house I will stomp my airpods into dust. Just wanted to plug a comrade in arms: Sometime ILIASM visitor angelwanderer has a podcast called " The Dirty Rabbithole" It's not a rainbows and sunshine SM podcast either. Maybe worth a listen. Post by lonelyhubby on 8 hours ago
Every 3 weeks seems to be aligned with a hormone induced cycle.Had the same thought, but I'd expect it to be closer to monthly. But post-menopausal bodies? Who knows?
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Post by csl on May 21, 2024 7:37:49 GMT -5
I tried it all working out a-lot.... new job to throw myself in.... online friend does not meet the physical needs........ we sleep separate i tell him it is his snoring but it makes my skin crawl to pretend all is well ... i quit wearing my ring and call him my roommate ... read tons of BS and podcasts that are laughable ..... one had fake conversations that were so silly and solved everything in 3 minutes lmao... another podcast..... that suggested as women "just let husband have sex and work your way into enjoying it" and for us lucky ladies with refuser husbands we should be "trying all we can if with 2 strokes or lost erection to scream in joy to BOOST his confidence." "if he had issues his greatly inflated ego will greatly inflate his penis." .... I would LOVE to say this was older episode but actually posted withing the last month..... who are these people and are they really this clueless. I totally agree. I think I have tried every podcast I could find on SM and they all are complete trash (except mirrororchid's Refused) If I hear one more life coach tell me to try cleaning up around the house I will stomp my airpods into dust. mirrororchid's Refused? Where have I heard that name before?
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