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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 15:01:10 GMT -5
darktippedrose , I'm on the verge of a supercritical meltdown here. I've ranted profanely several times about your husband in the past, but I'm about to do it again. Say the word, and I'll not comment on him again. But What was your husband doing in Morocco for five months? Based on what you've said here, I'm sure it wasn't as a humanitarian aid worker, or starting up an oil refinery. [Redacted] hhe wanted us to move to Morocco. So the kidz had just been diagnosed with autism. they were starting their first year of school and this was after me having a meltdown after him wanting to another wife. he spent 4 months in Morocco trying to get an appartment and one month in North Carolina with family So, there was only one trip to Morocco? He doesn't go frequently? If he were to go anywhere again for any extended period, I think that would be a great opportunity to vacate the premises. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 16:23:26 GMT -5
darktippedrose , my apologies if this has been suggested before, but I wonder if you might benefit from reading up on Stockholm Syndrome? It typically applies to hostages/kidnapping situations, but in a sense, you are held hostage in your marriage. I wonder if some of your denial comes from feelings of tenderness you might still have for him, even though he has abused you? Understanding this psychological mechanism (a very real one at that) might help you to see it from a more objective viewpoint and thus help you to self-empower. I've never read up on it. I don't remember it being suggested. I don't really love him anymore. he does intimidate me. Most people, even my aunt says I have battered wife syndrome or whatever. when hes not around, I'm more clear headed and blah blah blah but as soon as he comes into the room, I freeze up. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 16:27:50 GMT -5
@creelunion, he does go back but only for one week or 10 days or whatever. He has a specific neighborhood that he goes to and has lots of friends.
the last two times he hasn't gone to Morocco. Once he went to visit family for 10 days. and another time he was in "morocco" like a year or so ago, him and his friend were really in Hawaii. go figure.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 16:34:20 GMT -5
@creelunion , he does go back but only for one week or 10 days or whatever. He has a specific neighborhood that he goes to and has lots of friends. the last two times he hasn't gone to Morocco. Once he went to visit family for 10 days. and another time he was in "morocco" like a year or so ago, him and his friend were really in Hawaii. go figure. Awe Rose, what's it going to take? It seems if you earn a nickle, he takes it from you, adds a dime of government welfare and goes and blows it. This is wrong to you, your babies, and ME on so many levels. You're going to waste your life in this pattern. Does your family live near you? You've mentioned an aunt, what about parents, brothers, or sisters? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 16:35:45 GMT -5
@creelunion, he does go back but only for one week or 10 days or whatever. He has a specific neighborhood that he goes to and has lots of friends. the last two times he hasn't gone to Morocco. Once he went to visit family for 10 days. and another time he was in "morocco" like a year or so ago, him and his friend were really in Hawaii. go figure. A week or 10 days would be enough time for you to get yourself, your kids, and any possessions you really need out of his place....and into another place. If you had another place lined up ahead of time, and safety precautions in place. |
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 16:57:16 GMT -5
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 16:57:16 GMT -5
@creelunion , he does go back but only for one week or 10 days or whatever. He has a specific neighborhood that he goes to and has lots of friends. the last two times he hasn't gone to Morocco. Once he went to visit family for 10 days. and another time he was in "morocco" like a year or so ago, him and his friend were really in Hawaii. go figure. Awe Rose, what's it going to take? It seems if you earn a nickle, he takes it from you, adds a dime of government welfare and goes and blows it. This is wrong to you, your babies, and ME on so many levels. You're going to waste your life in this pattern. Does your family live near you? You've mentioned an aunt, what about parents, brothers, or sisters? My mom died when I was 16. My dad and I are estranged. My husband forbid me to talk to my dad. I've secretly talked to him. But my dad quit answering my phone calls because he doesn't want to cause problems with my husband. My grandparents are old and have lots of health problems. They live an hour away. My aunt, even though we recently had a big fight, she goes back and forth from living behind my grandparents house and going the native villages to visit. My oldest cousin is busy with work. All my other cousins are kidz. All other family I've never met or live several states away. I'm not sure my husband's ex-wife would help. she's super paranoiod about not getting him angry. |
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 16:58:28 GMT -5
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 16:58:28 GMT -5
@creelunion , he does go back but only for one week or 10 days or whatever. He has a specific neighborhood that he goes to and has lots of friends. the last two times he hasn't gone to Morocco. Once he went to visit family for 10 days. and another time he was in "morocco" like a year or so ago, him and his friend were really in Hawaii. go figure. A week or 10 days would be enough time for you to get yourself, your kids, and any possessions you really need out of his place....and into another place. If you had another place lined up ahead of time, and safety precautions in place. I don't have a place lined up. My aunt claims we can go live with her, but she gets mad when the kidz wake up at 7am. Their place isn't autism proof. She doesn't have the patience for autistic children. |
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 17:05:29 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 17:05:29 GMT -5
Awe Rose, what's it going to take? It seems if you earn a nickle, he takes it from you, adds a dime of government welfare and goes and blows it. This is wrong to you, your babies, and ME on so many levels. You're going to waste your life in this pattern. Does your family live near you? You've mentioned an aunt, what about parents, brothers, or sisters? My mom died when I was 16. My dad and I are estranged. My husband forbid me to talk to my dad. I've secretly talked to him. But my dad quit answering my phone calls because he doesn't want to cause problems with my husband. My grandparents are old and have lots of health problems. They live an hour away. My aunt, even though we recently had a big fight, she goes back and forth from living behind my grandparents house and going the native villages to visit. My oldest cousin is busy with work. All my other cousins are kidz. All other family I've never met or live several states away. I'm not sure my husband's ex-wife would help. she's super paranoiod about not getting him angry. I was hoping you had a brother. But if you did, you probably wouldn't be in this predicament. It seems to me the only ones that might help you are your Dad and your Aunt. I suspect they will only step in if you are totally committed and prepared to resort to the law if necessary. Has your husband ever beaten you physically? |
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 17:23:04 GMT -5
no. he hasn't hit me. the only thing i can complain about is stds and painful sex which he'll deny.
my Dad, I'm not sure he'd helps. He's from Macedonia, he's not a fighter. He's married. My mom was like his American wife except they weren't married. He'd go back home to see his family and kidz for 2-3 months every year.
so I doubt that he'd help.
my great aunt thinks that I'm not ready to leave yet. and I suspect that she's right. But I think that even if I'm not ready yet, its time to get educated on a proper escape plan. So that when the time is right, I'll have something.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 16, 2016 18:04:23 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear your family isn't in a position to help you more. What about a friend, or a neighbor? Maybe one of the other moms from your kids school? A teacher there?
It seems like a LOT of people are scared of your husband, which leads me to believe he may have threatened them. Isolating you like this is another form of abuse and it's just part of his systematic attempt to control you.
Even if your family can't house you, they can still support you emotionally and contribute where they can. Don't write them off. You will need help, even if it's the occasional meal or ride or money. People can be very generous. It sounds like they are waiting for you to make the first move.
Please, call a hotline and talk to someone who is objective and knows what programs are available in your area. There are plenty of good Samaritans out there who might help you if you ask.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 16, 2016 18:28:54 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 18:29:50 GMT -5
darktippedrose yes, exactly, you don't have to make a huge decision to leave, you can do one bite-sized task at a time like maybe starting with a women's shelter (because it seems likely they could help refer you to other help available for you to save you looking up every detail on your own). Then when the opportunity of your husband going on a trip presents itself, you will be ready to seize the moment.
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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 17, 2016 1:58:30 GMT -5
I will contact them soon when I feel like I won't be heard. Which is hard right now with the kidz at home from summer vacation.
i'll get their advice in an exit plan and maybe contact the group for muslim women for help too.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2016 9:28:12 GMT -5
I know how hard it is to get started with an exit plan, how hard it is even to reach out for help. And making phone calls is really, really, really hard. So much worse than reaching out online. But I think it's really important that you reach out to a women's shelter or group that helps abused women. Maybe set your children down in front of their favorite TV show (? - I don't know if that will keep them occupied long enough) and immediately make the call - you'll have to force yourself and believe me, I'm not belittling how hard it will be. I was abused by a boyfriend when I was a young woman and I remember that feeling of being frozen every time he was around. And I remember the feeling that it would never get any better and that no one would believe me or help me. There ARE people who will help you, but you have to make yourself reach out for that help. Your situation is complicated and you need the emotional and legal help that a women's shelter or similar group can give you. Please listen to me and all your friends here - you have done NOTHING to deserve to be treated this way, he is utterly and completely wrong and people WILL recognize that. I know how hard it is to break out of the shell your H has put you in and I'm sending you all the energy and positive thoughts I can summon.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 17, 2016 9:47:09 GMT -5
I don't know where you are located, but many of the organizations on that list have 24 hour hotlines. You could call after your family has gone to sleep. Even if you call one outside of your area they may be able to help. Please try!
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