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Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 0:56:41 GMT -5
So ...... my husband told me today he wants to talk to my daughters worker to vouch for her. I was pissed. Apparently, it doesn't matter that I do everything and pay for everything, he basically says the kidz are his. And everything I do doesn't matter because he's the man of the house.
I was very pissed. He won't let my daughters cover religiously because he thinks it makes the kidz look bad. And that the kidz will make the religion look bad. Apparently its horrible and unreligious for kidz to go to the park.
I told him he's a hypocrite for cheating on me, etc and then saying all of this. He says the condoms I found were for us. BS. I've had an IUD for YEARS and he knows i hate condoms.
He denies giving me STDs after coming back from Morocco for 5 months.
He says, wheres your evidence. So basically anything I say is unfounded because I have no evidence. But he can say anything about me without evidence.
Also, yesterday I found out that we have $600 in food stamps. I had no idea we were eligible for food stamps. Apparently, he's been keeping it to himself. Oh boy.
I can't talk to my grandma for too long because she's helpless to do anything and it gives her an upset stomach.
Talking to him makes me sick.
And I feel stupified (Harry Potter hehe)every single time he comes in, says a few words, and just like that I'm stumped. I don't know how he can bring me down so easily.
One of my daughters even asks if her dad loved me. I probably shouldn't have told her no but I did. She hopes to marry a man thats a good religious man, NOT like her father. Those were her words not mine. I told her its ok. We love each other (mommy and kidz) and thats all that mattered.
I try to hide my tears from my kidz but I can't always do that.
It still amazes me how he can deny obvious things he's done so easily.
Do other refusers do the same?
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Post by baza on Jun 16, 2016 1:22:05 GMT -5
Yes, refusers bullshit us (the refused) all the time.
It's what they do.
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But they aren't the only ones.
"We" (the refused) also bullshit ourselves all the time.
We accept their bullshit, even when we know it's bullshit, because if we didn't, then we'd have to act. And that's hard.
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It's all a bit reminiscent of Brother "unmatched" excellent post about dealbreakers of a few days ago.
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See, for me, if Ms enna theoretically came back from Morocco and gave me the jack, then theoretically that would be a dealbreaker for me. (as I think about it today)
However, if that became a fact, and she actually did come back from Morocco and give me the jack, it is far far more likely that I would be able to rationalise that and shift the goal posts.
Perhaps along the lines of "If Ms enna comes back from Morocco and gives me the jack again, then it'd be over".
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Over the years, your spouse has engaged in many unconscionable actions. Despicable actions.
But not a one (or an accumulation of them) has managed to trip the dealbreaker trigger.
So it seems unlikely that his latest round of shenanigans will trip the trigger either.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Your trigger is your business.
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What I'm not seeing is any point in you continually taking inventory of his awful behaviour.
The (past) case you have made about him has showed beyond any reasonable doubt that the bloke is a arsehole.
Further proof is not necessary.
You've made the case, conclusively.
"Now what ?" seems the next progression.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 1:24:06 GMT -5
darktippedrose After reading many people's stories here and on EP, I can honestly say your refuser's behavior is probably the worst of every story I've read. He is an abuser in addition to being a refuser which is much worse. You don't deserve to be subjected to his bad behavior, and your kids don't either. I hope you are able to find the strength to leave him because you and your kids deserve better, and not having him around at all is better. I don't think I've ever read one of your stories where he does anything positive. What does he add to your life that is in any way positive? I can't imagine any positive contribution he would make to you and your kids' lives that would even come close to the amount of negative consequences he adds to your life. Have you ever looked into the help (governmental and otherwise) that would be available to you and your kids to start a new life without him?
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 1:24:08 GMT -5
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 1:24:08 GMT -5
yes I know. he denies it.
but I also know he'll do anything to be in COMPLETE control of the kidz and I won't lose them.
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 1:45:45 GMT -5
Post by darktippedrose on Jun 16, 2016 1:45:45 GMT -5
deleted - we're in public housing. everything is in his name even though I pay the bills
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 2:15:39 GMT -5
via mobile
Dan likes this
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 2:15:39 GMT -5
Surely everything could be changed to your name, if you wanted it to be someday? Do you keep a diary of his abuse? That could come in handy someday.
I don't want to be unsupportive or negative, if you just want to vent without hearing advice you should be able to do that. Only you know what's best for you and your kids.
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Denial
Jun 16, 2016 2:22:45 GMT -5
Dan likes this
Post by tamara68 on Jun 16, 2016 2:22:45 GMT -5
darktippedrose It is no use to think much about why he does what he does. It is a fact your husband is horrible and there is nothing you can do to make the relation functional. It just does not work. You need to get out. Abusers always use the kids to keep control and to threaten you. It does not mean that it is true what he makes you think. I know what it feels like to feel trapped. But you can do investigations of how to leave. The more you know, the more you will see that you are not trapped as much as you think now. Is your therapy helping? Have you got ideas about leaving? About finding help for getting out of an abusive relation?
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Post by unmatched on Jun 16, 2016 5:27:35 GMT -5
darktippedrose it strikes me most that you are still having arguments with him and with yourself about what is right and what is fair. You are never going to win and you are never going to gain anything by going through this process. Your husband is an abusive manipulative fuck who takes advantage of you and always will. And you already know that. Leaving is hard, and I am not going to push you to do that if you aren't ready or aren't up for it. But please, one of the biggest fears you have is that his rights over the kids somehow take priority over yours. From what you have written, it looks as though this is keeping you trapped more than anything else. Please talk to somebody (lawyer, citizen's advice, women's shelter, any of them would be able to point you in the right direction). And find out what the truth of your situation is. Because I am fairly sure it is nowhere near as dire as the picture you have in your head. And depending on where you live you might even find it is stacked in your favour.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 5:40:06 GMT -5
deleted - we're in public housing. everything is in his name even though I pay the bills You pay the bills, and you're the mother. That's a lot stacked in your favor if it came to a custody battle. You are worried he would get control of the kids if you left. You may want to ask a lawyer if that is likely. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 16, 2016 5:42:21 GMT -5
MASTER MANIPULATOR! He's hateful, he's lazy. Watch The Truman Show, movie from 1998. It may wake you to the lies you're living with. Then seek the advice as just suggested.
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Post by JMX on Jun 16, 2016 5:47:07 GMT -5
darktippedrose - everyone has hit on what I would say as well. The one bright spot you have - you do not live in a country where his archaic views are acceptable in the eyes of the law. Thank goodness you have rights as a woman living in the U.S. Firstly, keep it that way. Second, if you qualify for public assistance with him, you also qualify for public assistance without him. More so, I am sure! He is using the system to have a better life. Oh, to take money from the government (without my wife's knowledge) and to travel the world and learn how to be more of a religious zealot and bigoted asshole! Fuck him. Now, YOU use the system to get away from him. Seriously. It is past time.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 16, 2016 6:04:19 GMT -5
I am so sorry he has upset you again.
I think it was good that you told your daughter NO that he doesn't love you. Kids have a way of knowing things anyway. My own son use to say to me that his father didn't love me and just used me and why don't I get a divorce.
Kids know.
Why don't you go see an attorney? Just to get info.
I know it's tough stay strong and try to find out about leaving if not I'm only thinking of one word, ARSENIC.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 6:38:00 GMT -5
Dark, I've been reading your stories for years, and it all comes down to this control he has over you. You're terrified of him. To say your fears are rational would be an understatement. But fear, not him, is what's keeping you in this shithole.
I have a good friend who was in a similar situation. She was strong and assertive outside the home. A leader, a dominant personality. But her helpless mommy's boy husband had control over her. He managed to make his every whim the center of her universe, even as his self destructive behavior made life in their house hell. He could make her cry with just words. He threw tantrums and just wore her down by sheer force of will.
But she was smarter than him, and when she finally got the courage to leave, when she finally realized her shithole was worse than being alone, she planned - oh boy you wanna talk about an exit plan - and annihilated his filthy diseased animal ass in court.
He raised bloody hell and turned every single step along the way into a nightmare, but she left this useless sorry motherfucker. It took guts and brains and lots of detailed planning but she did it. Most of all she swallowed her fear and went for it. Fear is the captor, not just for you but for all of us, fear is our prison. It may keep us in a sexless marriage or may manifest itself in some other way, but to the extent that fear controls us we are captives. But we have the keys. Brains, guts, courage, self respect, anger, support, they're dangling on a ring hanging from our belt. They're there. It's up to us whether to use them.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 7:38:43 GMT -5
darktippedrose, I'm on the verge of a supercritical meltdown here. I've ranted profanely several times about your husband in the past, but I'm about to do it again. Say the word, and I'll not comment on him again. But What was your husband doing in Morocco for five months? Based on what you've said here, I'm sure it wasn't as a humanitarian aid worker, or starting up an oil refinery. [Redacted]
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 16, 2016 10:11:31 GMT -5
I think that the only way you are going to get out of this toxic situation is to find someone stronger than yourself who can lead you out of it. I know you're scared and kind of paralyzed and IMO you can't do this on your own because you are too beaten down. Is there someone you can turn to, like a friend, a sister, a social worker? Are you talking to anyone else about your husband's abuse?
Please google spousal abuse hotlines in your area and call one when you are alone. Emotional abuse is abuse, period. Even if he doesn't hit you, you can still find an advocate who has more experience and objectivity about your situation and can help you plan an exit strategy.
There are times to be strong and go it alone. And the. There are times to realize that you can't. You need help and there's nothing wrong with that.
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