ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 2:22:03 GMT -5
A year or so ago, I just popped my head in and left the forum abruptly after only 1 or 2 posts. Since then, a lot has happened and I’m struggling coping with it alone.
Just a little recap of my situation: I'm 36, he's 48. We've been married for 10 years, sexless (zero per year) for more than 6 years. We have two kids, and we both work full time, me doing physical labor for a living. The H has some mental health issues, isolating himself from any social event, even family programs.
He finally decided to seek medical help and it turns out he's severely ODC (explains the controlling behavior), and diabetic (Type 2). Now he gets medical treatment for both, but nothing has changed in our relationship. He still spends his time alone, sometimes not even coming out of the bedroom for a whole day. By now I do everything around the house, the car and even the kids. I work on most weekends and the kids basically fend for themselves because their dad doesn't move a finger. If I can't get home in time for their soccer practice, well, then they won't go because dad can't get out of bed... I'm fed up with all of this, but I don't want to argue, so I just do all the things I can for the kids' sake.
The resentment is huge. He says a man's duty is to provide for his family, and he does great in that field, but we'd discussed it several times when the kids were born that he's going to support me when I get back to work again. Now he claims he never said those words.
Considering all the above, no changes in the SM situation. Now I reached a point where I find even the thought of being intimate with him too awkward. He initiated once last year, grabbing me down there and asking if I wanted to... like that's the height of passion and I should be all moaning and ready for it... I was totally knackered from work, so I declined and went to bed.
My patience reached the limit earlier this year right on my birthday. I came home from work expecting nothing. I was surprised to find a bouquet on the dining table, and he quickly said he would never buy such things to me - turns out it was from my MIL. Then we went to his favorite restaurant, cause according to him I didn't have a place I liked (I've been telling him about a new place I wanted to try). The way back home, he was all about some chores I forgot to do and was belittling me all night. The kids gave me drawings and letters and I was over the moon, until the H commented on how I could be so happy about getting older, I’m not a child anymore, there's no fun in birthdays... I don't remember the last time he said something nice to me, but this still wrecked me. Ten years into this fricking marriage and this is what I get.
I did consider outsourcing as an option before. So, the next morning, still pissed, I signed up to a dating app in an impulse. I responded to a few messages that seemed nice and ended up going on a date with one guy who’s also in a SM. He was honest and frank about his situation and what he was looking for from the get-go. We had five dates altogether. It wasn’t as difficult to manage as I thought: I have my days off on the weekdays when nobody else is at home. He works from home, sometimes going out to meet clients, and he used that as an excuse when we met. I took every precaution, not giving out anything personal, no exchange of phone numbers, no Facebook, just a free messaging app. We only knew each other’s first name, although I used a fake one. I found that helped me detach myself emotionally from what I was doing. Just being called on a different name made me feel less guilty. The affair ended as quickly as it started, due to him having other stuff piling up and he needs to concentrate on those . I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him. He promised to write when he’s able to meet again, but I don’t want to be hopeful for nothing. I said my farewell, thanked him for everything. He really made me feel good about myself again. I felt loved, appreciated and desirable. He’s not my type but won me over with his kindness and politeness, and all the great sex we had. I’m going to miss our dates, and I’m still grieving the end of it. He really gave back my self-esteem and showed me that I still have a chance for a better love life. (I know it sounds stupid, but I constantly hear from my H that a woman over 30 is ‘old’...)
So that’s where I am now.
I don’t want to go back to this SM again, I want to get out of it, and I’m going to work on it. Last time I said I wanted to stay for the kids – that's bullshit! I was just too afraid to face my situation and too lazy to work on it. I live in a foreign country, so I contacted an attorney who has experience with foreigners, to get an idea of the outcomes of a possible divorce for me. It’s not so bad as I thought, but I have lots of work to do.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Apr 18, 2024 4:51:19 GMT -5
Wow!!! You’re a strong woman for going through this. I hope you find your way out sooner than later. It sounds very toxic for yourself and the kids. He can’t get his kids to soccer practice??!! That’s going to stick in the kids heads for many years. I don’t k now if you have friends or family close(your in a foreign place) but I would try to reach out with other families in the kids soccer team or even the coach to get transportation to and from on the days your lazy ass husband can’t lift a finger for his own kids. That’s a sore spot for me as I coached softball for my daughters and there were a few girls that had parents going through problems at home. Softball became there therapy if you will. A normalcy to there crazy life at home. With the help of other parents we all made sure everyone was at practice and games. Fix this for the kids.
As for you. You are not old. You’re in the prime of your life and I’m glad you had someone show you your worth. Don’t feel guilty. You need out of there. For yourself and your kids. You will receive many responses here. Stay strong and know your worth on the daily!! Do not hesitate with questions as there are many great people here from all over the world that may know how to help you where ever you may be.
Best of luck to you.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 18, 2024 5:02:21 GMT -5
Stuck in his room all day and stuck in bed, you say, but provides for the family. Surprising the two are compatible, but good to hear that much.
Perhaps providing for the family includes hiring help to take care of the house and transport the kids when he can't won't?
Or would that strain the finances?
"he's going to support me when I get back to work again. Now he claims he never said those words."
So, you're doing the stay at home mom thing?
And if you get a job you're expected to support yourself? Pay half the mortgage/rent?
Is that his proposal?
Sounds like you found out that if you were to divorce, he'd be supporting you no matter wat he says he wants.
Sorry about the birthday. He's pretty clueless.
Gestures of appreciation make you happy. The "getting older" is the opportunity to take the time to provide them.
Children get that, your refuser does not. Sorry it hit you so hard.
There's an expression "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Maybe we need it's corollary: "If someone has nothing nice to say, don't listen."?
Maybe husband stays home next year and you can try the new restaurant with the kids and/or friends.
36 may be getting old for kids, but you got them already. Too old for what exactly? Your husband is a puzzle. Smells like autism to me. (High functioning/Aspergers?) Competent, obsessively practical, but socially feckless.... Or I'm assuming too much.
Sounds like you're about to make it no longer your issue.
Thanks for getting back on ILIASM with the update. There are lots of "ghosts" we never hear from again. The updates are rewarding.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Apr 18, 2024 7:30:16 GMT -5
A year or so ago, I just popped my head in and left the forum abruptly after only 1 or 2 posts. Since then, a lot has happened and I’m struggling coping with it alone. Just a little recap of my situation: I'm 36, he's 48. We've been married for 10 years, sexless (zero per year) for more than 6 years. We have two kids, and we both work full time, me doing physical labor for a living. The H has some mental health issues, isolating himself from any social event, even family programs. He finally decided to seek medical help and it turns out he's severely ODC (explains the controlling behavior), and diabetic (Type 2). Now he gets medical treatment for both, but nothing has changed in our relationship. He still spends his time alone, sometimes not even coming out of the bedroom for a whole day. By now I do everything around the house, the car and even the kids. I work on most weekends and the kids basically fend for themselves because their dad doesn't move a finger. If I can't get home in time for their soccer practice, well, then they won't go because dad can't get out of bed... I'm fed up with all of this, but I don't want to argue, so I just do all the things I can for the kids' sake. The resentment is huge. He says a man's duty is to provide for his family, and he does great in that field, but we'd discussed it several times when the kids were born that he's going to support me when I get back to work again. Now he claims he never said those words. Considering all the above, no changes in the SM situation. Now I reached a point where I find even the thought of being intimate with him too awkward. He initiated once last year, grabbing me down there and asking if I wanted to... like that's the height of passion and I should be all moaning and ready for it... I was totally knackered from work, so I declined and went to bed. My patience reached the limit earlier this year right on my birthday. I came home from work expecting nothing. I was surprised to find a bouquet on the dining table, and he quickly said he would never buy such things to me - turns out it was from my MIL. Then we went to his favorite restaurant, cause according to him I didn't have a place I liked (I've been telling him about a new place I wanted to try). The way back home, he was all about some chores I forgot to do and was belittling me all night. The kids gave me drawings and letters and I was over the moon, until the H commented on how I could be so happy about getting older, I’m not a child anymore, there's no fun in birthdays... I don't remember the last time he said something nice to me, but this still wrecked me. Ten years into this fricking marriage and this is what I get. I did consider outsourcing as an option before. So, the next morning, still pissed, I signed up to a dating app in an impulse. I responded to a few messages that seemed nice and ended up going on a date with one guy who’s also in a SM. He was honest and frank about his situation and what he was looking for from the get-go. We had five dates altogether. It wasn’t as difficult to manage as I thought: I have my days off on the weekdays when nobody else is at home. He works from home, sometimes going out to meet clients, and he used that as an excuse when we met. I took every precaution, not giving out anything personal, no exchange of phone numbers, no Facebook, just a free messaging app. We only knew each other’s last name, although I used a fake one. I found that helped me detach myself emotionally from what I was doing. Just being called on a different name made me feel less guilty. The affair ended as quickly as it started, due to him having other stuff piling up and he needs to concentrate on those . I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him. He promised to write when he’s able to meet again, but I don’t want to be hopeful for nothing. I said my farewell, thanked him for everything. He really made me feel good about myself again. I felt loved, appreciated and desirable. He’s not my type but won me over with his kindness and politeness, and all the great sex we had. I’m going to miss our dates, and I’m still grieving the end of it. He really gave back my self-esteem and showed me that I still have a chance for a better love life. (I know it sounds stupid, but I constantly hear from my H that a woman over 30 is ‘old’...) So that’s where I am now. I don’t want to go back to this SM again, I want to get out of it, and I’m going to work on it. Last time I said I wanted to stay for the kids – that's bullshit! I was just too afraid to face my situation and too lazy to work on it. I live in a foreign country, so I contacted an attorney who has experience with foreigners, to get an idea of the outcomes of a possible divorce for me. It’s not so bad as I thought, but I have lots of work to do. First nice to meet you. Your story resonates with me. For me it's my wife who doesn't do anything while I cook, take kids to activities a d do anything else needed around the house. We've been married for 25 years, sexless for 15 and completely no contact for 6 years. Similarly she also discovered recently that she had type 2 diabetes. We've been in councilling and I've managed to work in some cuddle time but it has to be scheduled and she absolutely will not allow any sexual touching. I've also briefly explored online dating but backed out before meeting anyone in person. I'm not sure how to bring up when meeting someone that I'm currently in a sexless relationship. So with that in mind I'm giving my wife 1 year to meet my needs before I leave and hopefully find someone more affectionate. |
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 7:32:25 GMT -5
Wow!!! You’re a strong woman for going through this. I hope you find your way out sooner than later. It sounds very toxic for yourself and the kids. He can’t get his kids to soccer practice??!! That’s going to stick in the kids heads for many years. I don’t k now if you have friends or family close(your in a foreign place) but I would try to reach out with other families in the kids soccer team or even the coach to get transportation to and from on the days your lazy ass husband can’t lift a finger for his own kids. That’s a sore spot for me as I coached softball for my daughters and there were a few girls that had parents going through problems at home. Softball became there therapy if you will. A normalcy to there crazy life at home. With the help of other parents we all made sure everyone was at practice and games. Fix this for the kids. As for you. You are not old. You’re in the prime of your life and I’m glad you had someone show you your worth. Don’t feel guilty. You need out of there. For yourself and your kids. You will receive many responses here. Stay strong and know your worth on the daily!! Do not hesitate with questions as there are many great people here from all over the world that may know how to help you where ever you may be. Best of luck to you. The kids started to resent him for this. They told him once that he never keeps his promises, yet demands it from everyone else. He just laughed uncomfortably. There’s a mom who helps me out sometimes, and picks up the kids for me. For now, I could ask for a change in my shift so that I can take them to practice, both on weekdays and weekends. I think that’s why they enjoy soccer so much, they can get away from their hectic home life. I can understand, I’m devoted to my job for the same reason. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 18, 2024 8:12:25 GMT -5
welcome back ariso58,...Your situation reads like a pretty tuff row to hoe, but you sound like a pretty resiliant woman, and I think you have what it takes to make it through this.
Having a spouse with medical conditions makes everything more difficult. The OCD and diabetes can both be managed with medication, if he is willing to take the meds.
I doubt anyone faults you for finding another outlet for your intimacy needs. A fair % of membes here end up doing that. Unfortunately the 1st male to come into your life may not have worked out. Don't sweat it, there are a million men out theere that would make good partners for you.
In an earlier post you said another soccer mom was helping with transpot for your kids. I hope she can continue to help. For kids sports is a huge thing, especially if the home life isn't what it should be.
I'm 76, trust me, mid 30's is not old for a woman. Most women hit their prime about this time.
I would encourage you to continue working on an exit plan. Figure out a way to squirrel away some of your money on a regular basis. Shore up your support network with your friends and family where ever possible. good luck...
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 8:18:20 GMT -5
mirrororchid This is the first job in our 10 years that he didn’t quit within a year, so that’s that about compatibility… He’s lazy and always puts the blame on others. It’s never him, but some asshole at his workplace that makes him quit. He was told that he might experience fatigue from diabetes. Now he uses it as an excuse to do nothing at home. No, we don’t need to hire help, because I’m here to do everything, it’s my job after all… By support I meant help, sharing household chores etc., my wording was wrong. I work and do the stay at home mom thing too. I could become a single mom overnight and nothing would change. Oh yes, I’ve been doing this for some time now. It’s great to have selective hearing, but still hurts me sometimes. I don’t know if he has autism or something, it’s interesting though. I think he just knows that I can’t get away, so he can do whatever he wants. Sorry for disappearing. Sharing everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t want to face my problems.
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Post by toughtiger on Apr 18, 2024 8:30:39 GMT -5
I can relate when a person gets a medical diagnosis or treatment we may feel relieved .. but NOTHING changes....
my spouse also takes me places he enjoys ........and has the false sense that it is my favorite.
I am happy for you to have outsourced and that he made you feel alive/ wanted and desired even if it was short lived.... i often think if i could meet up with a friend every so often just to be appreciated and have sex.... i could put up with the BS at home ....
Does he not see how the kids resent him and will not make ANY effort to connect when they are adults? .. so many MISS their opportunity to fix things and somehow think when they feel better to joining in all should be accepting ...NOPE the ship has sailed
. He is pushing all people away and sounds like he needs more therapy as this sounds like a deep depression .......
although even if he got to the point to join life ....leave bedroom and help you....... as a marriage should it most likely will not bring back anything as I found even if returning to regular sex ... I simply would not want my spouse at this point too much anger/ hurt and resent to ever fix that.
continue to make all plans even if it is just in case .... get a clear financial picture and balance sheet so you can receive your share of martial assets.
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Apr 18, 2024 8:33:46 GMT -5
Sharing here has been an outlet for me. Things I thought were not a problem have been brought to my attention that they are a red flag. Also reading others issues have brought clarity as well. And best of all the stories of people getting out of there sm and how happy they are now. This is the place for ya.😉
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 18:27:48 GMT -5
Thank you for the warm welcome! I do want to get out. There’s no good in waiting till they grow up. Also, children are not stupid, they understand what’s going on. My oldest flat out asked me: why don’t you divorce him? So, there’s really no point in waiting. worksforme2Thank you, i feel better about it now. It was like a wake up call for me: I could have all this without the secrecy! The mom who sometimes helps me out is a single parent and I feel bad for asking for help so often. Another mom attends their practice when I can’t make it and tells me everything about how it went, I’m forever grateful for them! I’m careful with my money and put my savings in a bank account he doesn’t know about. |
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 19:01:38 GMT -5
m76 No contact for 6 years?! You’re too nice to still give her time… I’d treat my spouse a complete stranger at that point. I wanted to try online dating once last year, but quit right after making a profile, it was too scary. I was looking for married men specifically, they’d understand my situation and would keep quiet about it if we met. It was still so difficult to openly talk to them…
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 18, 2024 23:43:10 GMT -5
toughtigerYes, nothing has changed really. His diagnosis is now just another excuse for his behaviour. And all the BS supplements he bought online that will surely do wonders… I could open up a pharmacy. 🙄 Having someone else outside of my marriage really made a difference. Exactly how you wrote, I could put up with all the BS! I didn’t care at all! No, he doesn’t. I’ve told him many times that he’s missing out on everything and there won’t be a later chance to make things right. He believes it’s a given that his adult kids will be there for him.
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 19, 2024 0:56:55 GMT -5
Oh my god, he just asked me to refill his bottle of shampoo for him. This is a first. what the hell?! Does this place look like a hotel or what?! I think I’ve got three kids actually…
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 19, 2024 4:45:09 GMT -5
mirrororchid This is the first job in our 10 years that he didn’t quit within a year, so that’s that about compatibility… He’s lazy and always puts the blame on others. It’s never him, but some asshole at his workplace that makes him quit. He was told that he might experience fatigue from diabetes. Now he uses it as an excuse to do nothing at home. This is work form home, then? Were the other "temp" jobs work from home?
No, we don’t need to hire help, because I’m here to do everything, it’s my job after all… By support I meant help, sharing household chores etc., my wording was wrong. I work and do the stay at home mom thing too. I could become a single mom overnight and nothing would change. Were you exclusively a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) before? If so, adding work means less time for other things.
If money is to tight, it means lowering your standards for housekeeping and, alas, more important stuff like the rides to sports.
But if money is not tight, paying for some of the things you used to do makes sense.
If your husband won't help, that doesn't change that the demands of work life mean compromises and/or hiring the help he won't give.Oh yes, I’ve been doing this for some time now. It’s great to have selective hearing, but still hurts me sometimes. If he doesn't know right now, it could be useful for him to know when you are disengaging conversation. Do you leave when you've tired of the criticism/insults/worse?
You need not necessarily leave, but perhaps some notice that the incessant negativity gives him an opportunity to know and respect boundaries. It may take practice if he's not been shown boundaries before.
They are for his benefit too, if he's used to speaking his mind without restraint, he'll put others off.
Not receiving constant negativity should improve your dynamic. This is useful for both spouses and co-parent exes.I don’t know if he has autism or something, it’s interesting though. I think he just knows that I can’t get away, so he can do whatever he wants. Hm. Nasty surprise heading his way. Wish it could be otherwise. Your case sounds worse than many that show up here.
Sorry for disappearing. Sharing everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t want to face my problems.
Glad to hear about the follow up and hope we can be of help. If it gets overwhelming again, maybe we'll see you again later, like last time.
If you leave your husband, he'll be doing everything, unless he ropes in some other unlucky sod to be his servant. As you cut back on housework to provide yourself with a little downtime, it ma make sense to drop the chores that he values most first. If you do his laundry, maybe just the underwear and socks. Unfavorite shirts. (you could do none of his laundry, but baby steps may be enough reality check if you wish to offer a gentle introduction to "adulting") Does he need help learning to use modern appliances? Some men children never took that step into the big wide world, but at 48, he should not have been one of them. Like you I do nearly everything. It's pretty common refused spouses get this lovely add-on feature to sexless marriage. Living as if you're single, in more ways than one! We're moving to a single level house. She wants to retire. I will stop doing her laundry at that point just to get her off the dime. (maybe the underwear and socks level). She folds laundry and pays bills. She's tried to unload the bills but I explained that would require her to accept my word when i say we cannot afford things. She kept doing the bills. She did taxes until the IRS had two harmless follow up letters but she was spooked and dumped that in my lap. I had no time for it, so I started using tax software and left some deductions on the table that were low value and would have made it take longer. Half-assing stuff is a survival skill. I stopped using filtered water for coffee. She didn't notice. Yard work vanished form my to-do list. I started asking my daughter to do a few things. Maybe you can think of a few balls you can drop so your juggling becomes manageable. (You didn't actually fill his shampoo bottle, didja? |
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Post by csl on Apr 19, 2024 7:33:25 GMT -5
Oh my god, he just asked me to refill his bottle of shampoo for him. This is a first. what the hell?! Does this place look like a hotel or what?! I think I’ve got three kids actually… you, of course, told him no, diy? |
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