ariso
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Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 19, 2024 8:53:39 GMT -5
Oh my god, he just asked me to refill his bottle of shampoo for him. This is a first. what the hell?! Does this place look like a hotel or what?! I think I’ve got three kids actually… you, of course, told him no, diy? Yes, told him the same, that this place isn’t a hotel. |
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ariso
New Member
Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on Apr 19, 2024 9:33:59 GMT -5
mirrororchidNo, he only worked from home for a few months during covid. He’s at home on the weekends + 1 or 2 days when there’s no work. He fixes x-ray machines, and he enjoys it because he’s alone. He goes straight to the client’s place then comes home, no office work. I think just about two weeks ago, I told him that I’m not going to put his things away or throw out his trash, he has to do it himself. He wants a tidy home, he has to put some work into it.
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m76
Full Member
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Post by m76 on Apr 19, 2024 10:22:17 GMT -5
mirrororchidNo, he only worked from home for a few months during covid. He’s at home on the weekends + 1 or 2 days when there’s no work. He fixes x-ray machines, and he enjoys it because he’s alone. He goes straight to the client’s place then comes home, no office work. I think just about two weeks ago, I told him that I’m not going to put his things away or throw out his trash, he has to do it himself. He wants a tidy home, he has to put some work into it. Makes me wonder if there's a personality connection between low libido and laziness. My wife also will not do any chores, I stopped doing her laundry years ago and we have a large pile of her laundry in the corner of the room that never gets touched. If I go away for a few days for work, when I get back all of her dishes will be on the counter waiting for me. We have a dishwasher, she just can't even be bothered to put her dishes in it. I feel like physical intimacy is just another chore for her to be pushed off until "later" |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 23, 2024 5:37:38 GMT -5
mirrororchid No, he only worked from home for a few months during covid. He’s at home on the weekends + 1 or 2 days when there’s no work. He fixes x-ray machines, and he enjoys it because he’s alone. He goes straight to the client’s place then comes home, no office work. I think just about two weeks ago, I told him that I’m not going to put his things away or throw out his trash, he has to do it himself. He wants a tidy home, he has to put some work into it. Makes me wonder if there's a personality connection between low libido and laziness. My wife also will not do any chores, I stopped doing her laundry years ago and we have a large pile of her laundry in the corner of the room that never gets touched. If I go away for a few days for work, when I get back all of her dishes will be on the counter waiting for me. We have a dishwasher, she just can't even be bothered to put her dishes in it. I feel like physical intimacy is just another chore for her to be pushed off until "later" While Mr. Aiso58 seems self-absorbed to suggest autism or (maybe?) narcissism, "clinical depression is made up of a combination of sadness, rage, and fatigue. Depressed people can let homes fall part all around them, it's like having the flu, but you have not temperature and it doesn't go away after three or four days. Mrs. MirrorOrchid has a full time job but manages almost nothing else; a dinner dinner once every other week, paying bills, and folding laundry. If medication is not ruled out: iliasm.org/thread/5887/efficacy-antidepressants-placeboIf medication was tried, but failed, make sure the medications tried were from different classes. iliasm.org/post/146195/threadThree medicines from the SSRI class means they have basically only tried one medication. Doctors like to prescribe SSRIs because of low side effect incidence, efficacy be damned. Fair warning: some antidepressants can produce difficult, delayed, or impossible orgasm, or lower libido (yes, I know, do it anyway. a non-depressed refuser is still an improvement)
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 23, 2024 5:41:42 GMT -5
mirrororchid No, he only worked from home for a few months during covid. He’s at home on the weekends + 1 or 2 days when there’s no work. He fixes x-ray machines, and he enjoys it because he’s alone. He goes straight to the client’s place then comes home, no office work. I think just about two weeks ago, I told him that I’m not going to put his things away or throw out his trash, he has to do it himself. He wants a tidy home, he has to put some work into it. Reading social cues is an interpersonal skill needed at an office, not needed with machines, so... consistent with autism. Not a cinch, but... Hopefully, this movement towards his independence can be executed with a mind of helping him rather than anger at the necessity. If you're seeing a lawyer or planning to outsource, it can be easier because the overarching purpose and a trajectory towards change can be enormously uplifting. Hm. journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0087961#:~:text=Self%2Dperceived%20gender%20typicality%20did,spectrum%20disorder%20compared%20with%20controls. "Self-perceived gender typicality did not differ between the groups but tomboyism and bisexuality were overrepresented amongst women with autism spectrum disorder. Lower libido was reported amongst both male and female participants with autism spectrum disorder compared with controls." www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5789215/Regarding sexuality-related issues, women with ASD seem to have poorer levels of overall sexual functioning, feel less well in sexual relationships than do men with ASD, and are also at greater risk of becoming a victim of sexual assault or abuse.Males with ASD were found to engage more in solitary sexual activities, as well as to have a greater desire for sexual and romantic relationships; however, there is some evidence that females with ASD, despite having lower sexual desire, more often engage in dyadic relationships. Although individuals with ASD seek sexual experiences and relationships, development and maintenance of romantic and sexual relationships are greatly affected by the deficits in social and communication skills and the difficulties in understanding nonverbal or subtle interactional cues and with mentalization (meaning being able to understand one's own and others' mental states, eg, emotions, desires, cognitions experienced by such individuals. ... |
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lr79
New Member
Posts: 17
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Post by lr79 on Apr 23, 2024 11:38:16 GMT -5
A year or so ago, I just popped my head in and left the forum abruptly after only 1 or 2 posts. Since then, a lot has happened and I’m struggling coping with it alone. Just a little recap of my situation: I'm 36, he's 48. We've been married for 10 years, sexless (zero per year) for more than 6 years. We have two kids, and we both work full time, me doing physical labor for a living. The H has some mental health issues, isolating himself from any social event, even family programs. He finally decided to seek medical help and it turns out he's severely ODC (explains the controlling behavior), and diabetic (Type 2). Now he gets medical treatment for both, but nothing has changed in our relationship. He still spends his time alone, sometimes not even coming out of the bedroom for a whole day. By now I do everything around the house, the car and even the kids. I work on most weekends and the kids basically fend for themselves because their dad doesn't move a finger. If I can't get home in time for their soccer practice, well, then they won't go because dad can't get out of bed... I'm fed up with all of this, but I don't want to argue, so I just do all the things I can for the kids' sake. The resentment is huge. He says a man's duty is to provide for his family, and he does great in that field, but we'd discussed it several times when the kids were born that he's going to support me when I get back to work again. Now he claims he never said those words. Considering all the above, no changes in the SM situation. Now I reached a point where I find even the thought of being intimate with him too awkward. He initiated once last year, grabbing me down there and asking if I wanted to... like that's the height of passion and I should be all moaning and ready for it... I was totally knackered from work, so I declined and went to bed. My patience reached the limit earlier this year right on my birthday. I came home from work expecting nothing. I was surprised to find a bouquet on the dining table, and he quickly said he would never buy such things to me - turns out it was from my MIL. Then we went to his favorite restaurant, cause according to him I didn't have a place I liked (I've been telling him about a new place I wanted to try). The way back home, he was all about some chores I forgot to do and was belittling me all night. The kids gave me drawings and letters and I was over the moon, until the H commented on how I could be so happy about getting older, I’m not a child anymore, there's no fun in birthdays... I don't remember the last time he said something nice to me, but this still wrecked me. Ten years into this fricking marriage and this is what I get. I did consider outsourcing as an option before. So, the next morning, still pissed, I signed up to a dating app in an impulse. I responded to a few messages that seemed nice and ended up going on a date with one guy who’s also in a SM. He was honest and frank about his situation and what he was looking for from the get-go. We had five dates altogether. It wasn’t as difficult to manage as I thought: I have my days off on the weekdays when nobody else is at home. He works from home, sometimes going out to meet clients, and he used that as an excuse when we met. I took every precaution, not giving out anything personal, no exchange of phone numbers, no Facebook, just a free messaging app. We only knew each other’s first name, although I used a fake one. I found that helped me detach myself emotionally from what I was doing. Just being called on a different name made me feel less guilty. The affair ended as quickly as it started, due to him having other stuff piling up and he needs to concentrate on those . I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him. He promised to write when he’s able to meet again, but I don’t want to be hopeful for nothing. I said my farewell, thanked him for everything. He really made me feel good about myself again. I felt loved, appreciated and desirable. He’s not my type but won me over with his kindness and politeness, and all the great sex we had. I’m going to miss our dates, and I’m still grieving the end of it. He really gave back my self-esteem and showed me that I still have a chance for a better love life. (I know it sounds stupid, but I constantly hear from my H that a woman over 30 is ‘old’...) So that’s where I am now. I don’t want to go back to this SM again, I want to get out of it, and I’m going to work on it. Last time I said I wanted to stay for the kids – that's bullshit! I was just too afraid to face my situation and too lazy to work on it. I live in a foreign country, so I contacted an attorney who has experience with foreigners, to get an idea of the outcomes of a possible divorce for me. It’s not so bad as I thought, but I have lots of work to do. I'm happy for you that you managed to get something elsewhere as know how frustrating it can be not having it (2 years and 9 months for me and it's probably gonna go past 3 years) but also envious as it would never be that easy for me because of the feelings of no one liking me in that way, or feeling the bad guy for looking elsewhere, or the fact my experience of sex for a 45 year old guy is pretty dismal embarrassing and pathetic so give up on anything happening with anyone else before I even try Whatever your future holds would like to wish you all the best |
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ariso
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Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on May 13, 2024 3:05:38 GMT -5
Thank you for all the information, mirrororchid! There are similarities, and it would be great to check with a professional if he has ASD or something. He was offered therapy for OCD, but he has declined. I really wanted him to at least try it out, maybe we'd have gotten some answers about his other issues as well. He's prescribed SSRI for treatment. Maybe it affects his libido, but we were sexless before his medication. It must be the OCD, he's been obsessing over bodily cleanliness for years now. We were on a short family trip last week and on the last night, he came to my bed wanting to be intimate. Nothing had really happened cause he got turned off when I pulled out a condom, yet he insisted on taking a shower. When we still had somewhat of a sex life, he has never kissed me after oral until I washed my mouth (it was never reciprocated, because it's dirty and disgusting...), taking a shower before and after became mandatory. We had zero sex in the last 6 years, so I don't know if he's struggling with ED. Now he's going to be at home for days, because he's too stressed to work... Someone messed up something and his boss has asked him to fix it (it's not the first time), probably because he's able to do it and would do a better job. He came home upset and called in sick this morning... Then he was watching me from the window chopping up wood for hours and doing yard work, cause he's too busy stressing about this job. He's convinced that his boss just messes with him - maybe he just needs your help? I've been called in on my days off because some guy, like my husband, called in sick at the last moment and I went to work without a complaint because we're way too understaffed and I don't want to cause more struggle and confusion. I'm just an employee, I do what I'm being told to do. I know he has many problems, but I'm just so fed up with this... I'm tired of it all, and I feel guilty at the same time, because as his spouse I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of him and pull him out of the gutter. I've tried to help him, to make him see things from a different perspective but he's perfectly comfortable with the way things are. He doesn't care at all. |
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on May 13, 2024 4:03:59 GMT -5
Yeah there's been that spousal support that has gone out the window with me as well. I'm tired of pulling her out of the gutter. She recently went back to school for medical assistance and she says how hard it is to work 3-4 days a week and go to school 3 day at 4 hours a day. Don't get me wrong it is hard but I worked full time and went to school 5 days a week for 3 years. She is doing it for 6 months.
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ariso
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Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on May 20, 2024 7:27:43 GMT -5
Yeah there's been that spousal support that has gone out the window with me as well. I'm tired of pulling her out of the gutter. She recently went back to school for medical assistance and she says how hard it is to work 3-4 days a week and go to school 3 day at 4 hours a day. Don't get me wrong it is hard but I worked full time and went to school 5 days a week for 3 years. She is doing it for 6 months. Yeah, it’s hard, just like so many things in life. I don’t know about you, but it seems like my husband is all about complaining. I don’t know what kind of pleasure he gets from it, but he always has to say something negative about everyone and everything. |
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Post by toughtiger on May 20, 2024 8:09:39 GMT -5
Yeah, it’s hard, just like so many things in life. I don’t know about you, but it seems like my husband is all about complaining. I don’t know what kind of pleasure he gets from it, but he always has to say something negative about everyone and everything. I think after years of listening to several people like this who complain and are negative .... it is them spreading the feeling they have about themselves. My spouse is like this too and i see he will never do self reflection so it has to be anyone and everyone else's fault. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on May 20, 2024 8:19:39 GMT -5
Yeah there's been that spousal support that has gone out the window with me as well. I'm tired of pulling her out of the gutter. She recently went back to school for medical assistance and she says how hard it is to work 3-4 days a week and go to school 3 day at 4 hours a day. Don't get me wrong it is hard but I worked full time and went to school 5 days a week for 3 years. She is doing it for 6 months. Yeah, it’s hard, just like so many things in life. I don’t know about you, but it seems like my husband is all about complaining. I don’t know what kind of pleasure he gets from it, but he always has to say something negative about everyone and everything. He should get checked for low T - miserable husband syndrome is real (I know, I lived it for years without understanding that low T was the real issue). Grumpy, curmudgeonly, negative, agitated, etc.. |
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ariso
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Posts: 16
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by ariso on May 20, 2024 9:24:52 GMT -5
Yeah, it’s hard, just like so many things in life. I don’t know about you, but it seems like my husband is all about complaining. I don’t know what kind of pleasure he gets from it, but he always has to say something negative about everyone and everything. He should get checked for low T - miserable husband syndrome is real (I know, I lived it for years without understanding that low T was the real issue). Grumpy, curmudgeonly, negative, agitated, etc.. Oh, thank you! Never thought about this before. He has a health checkup next month, I’ll tell him to get it checked. Curmudgeonly describes him pretty well… |
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Missingout
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Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on May 20, 2024 10:38:01 GMT -5
Yeah there's been that spousal support that has gone out the window with me as well. I'm tired of pulling her out of the gutter. She recently went back to school for medical assistance and she says how hard it is to work 3-4 days a week and go to school 3 day at 4 hours a day. Don't get me wrong it is hard but I worked full time and went to school 5 days a week for 3 years. She is doing it for 6 months. Yeah, it’s hard, just like so many things in life. I don’t know about you, but it seems like my husband is all about complaining. I don’t know what kind of pleasure he gets from it, but he always has to say something negative about everyone and everything. Sounds like my wife. Always negative |
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