catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 13, 2024 12:00:05 GMT -5
I don't know what the magic words were, but he heard me when I told him I no longer want to be celibate...
We were having a conversation about my impending 50th birthday and my thoughts about what I want for the next chapter of my life, laying the groundwork for retirement (it's a long way off, but I'm a planner), and what things I want to pursue. He made an offhand remark along the lines of "I thought you were gearing up to tell me you wanted to find a 19-year-old." I laughed and said, "Eeewww. No. But I don't want to be celibate anymore."
He froze.
I braced myself for the angry outburst. I chastised myself for bringing it up--something I swore I would never do again. I worried that this would push him even deeper into the depression he has been struggling with.
And then we started talking about it.
He told me, "You've talked with me so many times about this over the years and it's like I finally HEARD you."
He feels terrible about depriving me of something that I need and want.
He asked me if I needed to find a boyfriend. So, that's on the table.
There was a lot more we talked about. A reset is unlikely. But I was firm that I need a resolution to this issue and he agreed that I deserve to be whole. I have hope.
Sharing with my husband that I no longer want to be celibate could've had any number of outcomes--and his response would've indicated my path forward. I came to a point where I knew what I needed and knew that expressing it could've blown up my marriage. And I was okay with that. I didn't intend to talk about it on Sunday, but his comment prompted it.
Conversations are happening daily. We are checking in with each other frequently. Yesterday we agreed that this is going to take ongoing discussion and working out what to do. He doesn't see his therapist again until the first of April and plans to talk with her about this.
I'll keep you all posted as things develop in case it's useful for anyone else.
(Quick bit of context: Second marriage for both of us. Blended family. We have an awesome set of adult kids and two granddaughters. 20th anniversary is in May. We had a normal sex life before marriage. Signing the paper flipped a switch for him. We have a good solid marriage except for the lack of physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy, chaste affection. We are true partners and have built a good life together. I don't want to throw all that away. So I have stayed. He has a psychological issue--physical ones have been ruled out. If he was an abusive a-hole or this was about power, I would've been long gone by now.)
(And, yeah, I know... I expect a few of you will aggressively call b.s. on my "everything's great but the sex" statement. BELIEVE me, I've examined every part of our marriage in detail and concluded that we have the normal issues that most couples do. Things ARE good except for the no-sex issue. It DOES happen. Don't stop challenging that statement, but respect that I've done the work and introspection to figure out where I'm at.)
And one last thing... I appreciate each and every one of you for coming here and sharing your experience, for being vulnerable, for helping others navigate their own situation, and for asking the hard questions. Thank you.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 13, 2024 12:08:05 GMT -5
That's really great. To know that he finally understood. I don't think the refuser in most cases ever really understands why physical intimacy is so important.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 13, 2024 13:30:57 GMT -5
I wouldn't say BS to how you feel about your marriage. My marriage was great, too, sans the intimacy until it wasn't, until the resentment bled into every other facet. But I will call BS on what your husband is shoveling. Firstly, he doesn't feel bad about depriving you of sex for so long, otherwise he wouldn't have deprived you for so long. You say a reset is unlikely, so if he's hearing you, he just doesn't care. Oh yes...the 'ol "I'll bring it up with a therapist next time". So does he claim he developed this "psychological issue" immediately after he said his vows? What's he been talking about in those sessions if he hasn't even brought up intimacy yet? If you are happy where you are, then that's all that matters, but his "ongoing discussions" line is comedy. It's not a lunar landing; it's sex.
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 13, 2024 18:49:01 GMT -5
I believe you when you say things are good as they can be .... UNTIL like Deadzone75 said the anger and resentment leaks onto everything....
It is hard sometimes to share as i feel like people will think "why stay just leave etc...."
I have my reasons and i asked about an open situation where a fwb thing could work ...... he lost his mind saying NO our marriage would be over ... told them so what it already is NOT a marriage
He is trying stupid things like offering to take me out to dinner about ready to fake one in restaurant like in movie When Harry met Sally.... cause it is stupid he thinks dinner out makes up for NO sex life.
Your post gives me hope that maybe my spouse will agree to my outsourcing etc.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 13, 2024 21:26:55 GMT -5
So..it's getting late and I'm not going to word this very well, perhaps I can edit it more later...
Ever since I became active on this forum ,the thought of a FWB, or a side partner, just said "affair,cheating, getting caught, hiding, lying,etc..."
I guess it was my fear of giving my kids an example of cheating on your spouse is okay...forget the fact that my spouse cheated me out of years of marital sex and intimacy!
How do you men and women prepare yourself to deal with that mentally?
Now as a divorced single man I have to be ready for the day when a woman wants to remain married and have me as her FWB? Am I okay with that? ( it hasn't happened...yet) Ora woman who is going through a divorce and needs sex now!
I stick with divorced/widowed single women who want a LTC long Term Commitment ( the pickings are slim lately)
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 14, 2024 20:05:16 GMT -5
catsloveme You may have discovered some secret sauce. The usual confrontation by the refused is a matter of asking or demanding something of the refuser. Your method says instead "Stop doing what you are doing to me." "I don't want to be celibate anymore."Your husband has the minimal brain cells needed to recognize that he's the reason you're celibate and he's the one that wants you to stay that way, unhappy. The word "celibate" has its place with the Catholic priesthood, and virgins, but if you're neither, it's typically a condition no one asked for nor wants. Married people cannot cure their own condition. They are not even permitted to try. Society expects married people to couple together, if they do not, the next expectation is for both to be celibate. No one talks about the celibacy though. If a partner is medically unable, it's seen as both a very private matter and just cause for imposition of celibacy on a spouse. What of there being no medical condition? Just anger, or childhood trauma, depression, or inexplicable indifference? The onus to fix the problem should fall upon the person causing the suffering married people are not routinely expected to suffer, but 20% do. Most commonly refused spouses demand sex, you instead brought into clear focus the wrong he was doing you. Kudos to Mr. Catsloveme for that much. Thinking back to my declaration of intended opening of our marriage, the same focus may have occurred. "I mean to be intimate with someone next year. I hope it's you, but it's not going to be nobody." She reset weeks later; for over four years. Like Mr. Catsloveme, arguing with me would mean admitting that she was responsible for my having intimacy with no one. Not as clearly stated as Catsloveme delivered, but the same message and, perhaps, received with the same sense of guilt and compassion. Let us take note of this nuance as we tell others of ways to construct their "Talk".
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 9:59:54 GMT -5
I believe you when you say things are good as they can be .... UNTIL like Deadzone75 said the anger and resentment leaks onto everything.... It is hard sometimes to share as i feel like people will think "why stay just leave etc...." I have my reasons and i asked about an open situation where a fwb thing could work ...... he lost his mind saying NO our marriage would be over ... told them so what it already is NOT a marriage He is trying stupid things like offering to take me out to dinner about ready to fake one in restaurant like in movie When Harry met Sally.... cause it is stupid he thinks dinner out makes up for NO sex life. Your post gives me hope that maybe my spouse will agree to my outsourcing etc. I've done a LOT of work on me. I know for a fact that he doesn't like our situation either, and feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame that he has caused this. I've accepted that he is the way he is and let go of my anger and resentment. I love all of him--even the broken parts. I think your husband's response to your suggestion of an open marriage/fwb for you is pretty common. Maybe a knee-jerk reaction based on a socially-acceptable definition of marriage. Maybe having a conversation about what marriage means to him would be a good starting point to getting him to understand that you have a misalignment. Accept a nice dinner out for what it is. Enjoy each other's company. Don't pull a Sally in the middle of dinner. But do continue to impress upon him that you need resolution and you need his help in solving the problem. Be prepared that it may result in you moving on from your marriage. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 10:23:07 GMT -5
So..it's getting late and I'm not going to word this very well, perhaps I can edit it more later... Ever since I became active on this forum ,the thought of a FWB, or a side partner, just said "affair,cheating, getting caught, hiding, lying,etc..." I guess it was my fear of giving my kids an example of cheating on your spouse is okay...forget the fact that my spouse cheated me out of years of marital sex and intimacy! How do you men and women prepare yourself to deal with that mentally? Now as a divorced single man I have to be ready for the day when a woman wants to remain married and have me as her FWB? Am I okay with that? ( it hasn't happened...yet) Ora woman who is going through a divorce and needs sex now! I stick with divorced/widowed single women who want a LTC long Term Commitment ( the pickings are slim lately) You can decide what you're okay with and what you're not okay with. You don't have to accept a woman who wants to remain married and have a FWB or a woman mid-divorce if you're not okay with that. As far as the kids go... Are they adults or children? If they're children, how old are they and what is their maturity level? How open have you been with them about sex and intimacy? Do you practice a religion that they're indoctrinated into? What are your views on marriage and what have you taught your children about marriage? The only acceptable form of marriage is strictly conventional? |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 10:37:33 GMT -5
catsloveme You may have discovered some secret sauce. The usual confrontation by the refused is a matter of asking or demanding something of the refuser. Your method says instead "Stop doing what you are doing to me." "I don't want to be celibate anymore."Your husband has the minimal brain cells needed to recognize that he's the reason you're celibate and he's the one that wants you to stay that way, unhappy. The word "celibate" has its place with the Catholic priesthood, and virgins, but if you're neither, it's typically a condition no one asked for nor wants. Married people cannot cure their own condition. They are not even permitted to try. Society expects married people to couple together, if they do not, the next expectation is for both to be celibate. No one talks about the celibacy though. If a partner is medically unable, it's seen as both a very private matter and just cause for imposition of celibacy on a spouse. What of there being no medical condition? Just anger, or childhood trauma, depression, or inexplicable indifference? The onus to fix the problem should fall upon the person causing the suffering married people are not routinely expected to suffer, but 20% do. Most commonly refused spouses demand sex, you instead brought into clear focus the wrong he was doing you. Kudos to Mr. Catsloveme for that much. Thinking back to my declaration of intended opening of our marriage, the same focus may have occurred. "I mean to be intimate with someone next year. I hope it's you, but it's not going to be nobody." She reset weeks later; for over four years. Like Mr. Catsloveme, arguing with me would mean admitting that she was responsible for my having intimacy with no one. Not as clearly stated as Catsloveme delkivered, but the same message and, perhaps, received with the same sense of guilt and compassion. Let us take note of this nuance as we tell others of ways to construct their "Talk". Mr. Catsloveme doesn't like our situation any more than I do. But he also hasn't been able to resolve his psychological issues (which likely stem from childhood trauma). He feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame and feels terrible for causing me pain and unhappiness. He KNOWS he's responsible for our situation. Our statements to our spouses were essentially the same--I no longer want to be celibate. We clearly spoke our truth without demands or accusations and stated what the alternatives were. Further conversation with my husband makes me think that maybe he'll try to reset. It's going to take some time to see if this will work. When speaking with my husband, I reiterated my position--that the other option is that I find someone to fulfill my needs. He doesn't like that idea, so hopefully it motivates him. mirrorchild, I'm really happy to hear that your wife's reset has been lasting. It gives me hope. But, frankly, I'm not very optimistic about a reset in my situation. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 15, 2024 20:19:51 GMT -5
I've done a LOT of work on me. I know for a fact that he doesn't like our situation either, and feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame that he has caused this. I've accepted that he is the way he is and let go of my anger and resentment. I love all of him--even the broken parts. I think your husband's response to your suggestion of an open marriage/fwb for you is pretty common. Maybe a knee-jerk reaction based on a socially-acceptable definition of marriage. Maybe having a conversation about what marriage means to him would be a good starting point to getting him to understand that you have a misalignment. Accept a nice dinner out for what it is. Enjoy each other's company. Don't pull a Sally in the middle of dinner. But do continue to impress upon him that you need resolution and you need his help in solving the problem. Be prepared that it may result in you moving on from your marriage. I am glad you are in a good place .... my spouse is not happy either but not his fault.... in his mind.... I am beginning more work on me.... but honestly hate my spouse in every way..... I despise his refusal to do absolutely anything about the situation .....he is waiting for his ass to grow roots into the couch. he had no issue in saying "it was not about our marriage " when he cheated on me decades ago ... because and i quote " i felt alone like you no longer loved me or wanted me " HUMMMMMMM sounds very familiar to me. except I was upfront and not deceitful in my suggestion for a fwb situation.... Dinner out looking at him pretend all is well kills any appetite i could ever have. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 20:44:19 GMT -5
I've done a LOT of work on me. I know for a fact that he doesn't like our situation either, and feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame that he has caused this. I've accepted that he is the way he is and let go of my anger and resentment. I love all of him--even the broken parts. I think your husband's response to your suggestion of an open marriage/fwb for you is pretty common. Maybe a knee-jerk reaction based on a socially-acceptable definition of marriage. Maybe having a conversation about what marriage means to him would be a good starting point to getting him to understand that you have a misalignment. Accept a nice dinner out for what it is. Enjoy each other's company. Don't pull a Sally in the middle of dinner. But do continue to impress upon him that you need resolution and you need his help in solving the problem. Be prepared that it may result in you moving on from your marriage. I am glad you are in a good place .... my spouse is not happy either but not his fault.... in his mind.... I am beginning more work on me.... but honestly hate my spouse in every way..... I despise his refusal to do absolutely anything about the situation .....he is waiting for his ass to grow roots into the couch. he had no issue in saying "it was not about our marriage " when he cheated on me decades ago ... because and i quote " i felt alone like you no longer loved me or wanted me " HUMMMMMMM sounds very familiar to me. except I was upfront and not deceitful in my suggestion for a fwb situation.... Dinner out looking at him pretend all is well kills any appetite i could ever have. Oh. Yeah. I see where you’re at. Maybe skip dinner then and do something nice for yourself. I’m sorry he’s like that. That sucks. Start making your life as good as it possibly can be in spite of him. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 16, 2024 9:33:31 GMT -5
So..it's getting late and I'm not going to word this very well, perhaps I can edit it more later... Ever since I became active on this forum ,the thought of a FWB, or a side partner, just said "affair,cheating, getting caught, hiding, lying,etc..." I guess it was my fear of giving my kids an example of cheating on your spouse is okay...forget the fact that my spouse cheated me out of years of marital sex and intimacy! How do you men and women prepare yourself to deal with that mentally? Now as a divorced single man I have to be ready for the day when a woman wants to remain married and have me as her FWB? Am I okay with that? ( it hasn't happened...yet) Ora woman who is going through a divorce and needs sex now! I stick with divorced/widowed single women who want a LTC long Term Commitment ( the pickings are slim lately) You can decide what you're okay with and what you're not okay with. You don't have to accept a woman who wants to remain married and have a FWB or a woman mid-divorce if you're not okay with that. As far as the kids go... Are they adults or children? If they're children, how old are they and what is their maturity level? How open have you been with them about sex and intimacy? Do you practice a religion that they're indoctrinated into? What are your views on marriage and what have you taught your children about marriage? The only acceptable form of marriage is strictly conventional? Hopefully my questions /comments came across in a respectful tone? That's what they're meant to be.
You can decide what you're okay with and what you're not okay with. You don't have to accept a woman who wants to remain married and have a FWB or a woman mid-divorce if you're not okay with that. That's all new ground for me! My gut instinct tells me ' go the other way...why take on more and more of someone else's 'excessive baggage?' And then other parts of me say 'you where in that situation for a while, and maybe ,could have benefited from someone supporting you physically and intimately as well? ( I received my physical/intimate support about a year after my divorce. I was not going to give my now ex W any more ammunition to use against me, and manipulate my children with her lies) I've heard, read many stories/statistics about a man and a women both in SM's ,having sex outside the marriage. One falls in love and gets divorced and the other "talks the talk but refuses to walk the walk" and refuses to get divorced. Things end and the person who wanted the commitment is left very badly damaged, emotionally. Example: ( I'll keep it short) I go to a restaurant/bar for free dance lessons ( latin night) My dance crowd is there. A woman who is 'not my type' aggressively introduces herself/wants many dances with me/ tells me she's in the middle of going through her divorce/loosing her house/ possibly moving/etc...My mind told me 2 things..1) I have a lot to offer this woman as far as wisdom and support. 2) She needs some instant sex/intimacy/support and her mindset will be totally different from where I am at now,years after my divorce and being single for a while. I'd rather meet her again a year from now after her divorce is final and as Baza says " has her own shit together" Older women ask me often about going on cruises. They want me to go along so they can have a DPO (dance partner only). I'm also told of the 'mindset' on a cruise "one night stands-go and get laid!) I don't want a high body count,and I'm not sure if I can mentally detach myself and feel good about it in the future, but that's me...My kids : 6 kids - 3 from my first and only marriage. 3 adopted during my first and only marriage. They where ages 15,16,17,17,18,and 19 when i got divorced 6 yrs ago. We settled with joint custody 50/50 visitation. We practiced our entire marriage in a non denominational Christian church. My 3 adopted children came from China at ages 2, 10, and 14. We ( mostly me and the kids) where very active and involved in our church. I homeschooled my kids, was a stay at home dad, and was actively involved in tons of activities with them! My kids where mature enough for me to be very open with them about the lack of sex and intimacy in our marriage, due to their mother being greysexual, narcissistic, and very 'butch' like. They seemed very understanding. I had their sympathy and trust.
One child ( my middle son) sided with his mom- basically she bought $$$ his love. My oldest son moved away right after the divorce, one son lives with me and wants very little to do with his mom,and the other 4 where brain washed into believing your dad is just " mad and angry" and have detached themselves completely. I believe they chose their mom due to today's economy and her $$$. Meanwhile my door remains wide open for whenever they want/need to return. A 'light bulb moment' for me was the day our child psychologist said " you two are setting a horrible example for your kids of what a loving, caring, intimate relationship ought to be". I told myself" I will end my marriage for the good of my children first,and me second.
After my divorce ,I had a steady relationship with one woman. She came and basically moved in with me and my one son. He liked her a lot! far more than my ex. He even liked our example of two people being intimate , respectful, giving, and loving of each other!!
I think today's generation is going to end up never getting married,but that's a whole nother topic! |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 18, 2024 4:41:19 GMT -5
catsloveme Thinking back to my declaration of intended opening of our marriage, the same focus may have occurred. "I mean to be intimate with someone next year. I hope it's you, but it's not going to be nobody." She reset weeks later; for over four years. Like Mr. Catsloveme, arguing with me would mean admitting that she was responsible for my having intimacy with no one. Not as clearly stated as Catsloveme delivered, but the same message and, perhaps, received with the same sense of guilt and compassion. Let us take note of this nuance as we tell others of ways to construct their "Talk". Mr. Catsloveme doesn't like our situation any more than I do. But he also hasn't been able to resolve his psychological issues (which likely stem from childhood trauma). He feels a tremendous amount of guilt and shame and feels terrible for causing me pain and unhappiness. He KNOWS he's responsible for our situation. Our statements to our spouses were essentially the same--I no longer want to be celibate. We clearly spoke our truth without demands or accusations and stated what the alternatives were. Further conversation with my husband makes me think that maybe he'll try to reset. It's going to take some time to see if this will work. When speaking with my husband, I reiterated my position--that the other option is that I find someone to fulfill my needs. He doesn't like that idea, so hopefully it motivates him. mirrororchid, I'm really happy to hear that your wife's reset has been lasting. It gives me hope. But, frankly, I'm not very optimistic about a reset in my situation. Actually, I messed up my own history! She did nothing after I warned her that way! Instead, I started laying groundwork for finding a FWB. I bought her flowers, was thoroughly pleasant, made love when she chose, but stopped initiating. No positive reaction from the better attitude and token gestures, but I wasn't looking for one. I was paying desired forms of affection in advance so she's know I cared for her in every way she wanted, but I'd be attending to the love language of touch through someone similarly interested. So when she didn't provide, it didn't matter. When I was found out by my daughter, I admitted to dating (platonically) in front of my wife, didn't stop, and didn't apologize. Did start being much more attentive after I phoned in her birthday. Dating can be obsessive and have you neglectful of important things. At some point Mrs. MirrorOrchid asked if I was going to date again, I told her Yes, after my daughter returned to college so there'd be less to explain when I disappeared for a few hours at a time. THAT was when the reset happened. Just a matter of fact sharing of plans to destroy my celibacy. No negotiation, just informing her of my intent. Similar to your wistful lament, I wasn't looking for any solution coming from her. No accusations or demands. You had no threat, but neither of us expected a reset nor demanded any action on their part, because neither of us had any hope in our spouse. You had no immediate plans, he suggested some. I was about to execute Mr. Catsloveme's plan (an FWB) and she made me voluntarily cancel those plans. In both cases the celibacy was not a complaint against our spouse anymore. It was an acknowledgement of the fact, without even bringing up the causal factor of our spouse's desired asexual behavior. We hate the celibacy. No mention of our spouse being associated with it. We let them fill in that blank. This may mean altering my suggested outline of "The Talk" and recommending removal of the conditions of outsourcing? It may need an alternate form in which zero expectations are made of the spouse. Allow the spouse to recognize their own responsibility and remedies, if they choose to recognize and deploy them and go in fully expecting them to obliviously fail to recognize their role in keeping their monogamous status intact. Potentially critical is evidence provided to us both that they knew they were the ones with the problem. Some SMs involve a self-righteous celibate spouse. Such marriages may struggle much more, but the same faithless approach may bear more fruit all the same and seems worth a try given the poor track record of ":The Talk" resolving maters positively. Stop demanding, stop asking. Hate the celibacy and start fixing it with no expectations of the spouse to help. This will be especially hard for the ILIASM members who are steadfast in their intent that their spouse be their future lover. This is not an approach compatible with that desire. I didn't get the feeling you had agreed that getting a FWB was an option you'd pursue. (you said "reiterate") Do you have a timeline? My own reset was accompanied by a six week deadline (my daughter going back to school after winter break and a January mid term session). You seem to be up for being patient and I don't mean to crack any whips. My key concern is your fondness for your husband getting undermined by excessive delay causing your frustration to gnaw away at your current affection; a prize lost by many neglected ILIASM members. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 18, 2024 5:06:11 GMT -5
...other parts of me say 'you where in that situation for a while, and maybe ,could have benefited from someone supporting you physically and intimately as well? ... I've heard, read many stories/statistics about a man and a women both in SM's ,having sex outside the marriage. One falls in love and gets divorced and the other "talks the talk but refuses to walk the walk" and refuses to get divorced. Things end and the person who wanted the commitment is left very badly damaged, emotionally... ...I think today's generation is going to end up never getting married, but that's a whole nother topic! An important component in my own focus on married partners was my intent to stay married and their marriage being an obstacle to our getting damn fool ideas of breaking up two marriages for the sake of a sexual relationship. As you observe about reckless, impassioned refused spouses, you would be counting on only one tether. You could be a heavier strain on their marriage. "If I weren't married, I could marry GreatCoastal!" That may be troubling to you and a reason to stick to your guns. Mid-divorce? Maybe that's okay. Could ask some questions about why reconciliation is off the table and suggest FWB. You might keep a marriage together instead. If you don't, you release the refuser out into the world to perhaps construct another defective marriage. Maybe they would find a FWB setup made their marriage work OK. Like I've said, a compatible roommate is a valuable thing. It's not nothing. You can grow old with that person and have them be a reliable life partner, even if they are not your lover. On that side topic? I think Gen Z and Alpha will make polyamory mainstream. All the complaints about two incomes not being enough to afford a house? Child care costs are stratospheric? Too exhausted to keep house after work? Poly will become an obvious solution. And once people notice triads and quads economically thriving and far less stressed? The dam bursts. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Apr 2, 2024 18:25:17 GMT -5
Well, a quick update...
He went to his psych appointment yesterday and we talked after I got done working.
True to his word, he spoke with his therapist about our situation. She didn't have a lot of insight for him. Just listened to him and responded to the things he said.
He apologized for what he has put me through and said it would not be fair for him to prevent me from having something that I have needed for so long and that he has denied me. He says the ball is in my court about how I want to proceed and he will live with what I decide I need to do. I'm still reeling a bit from this shift in my reality, sorting things out in my head, trying to figure things out.
Last night I started doing some reading about ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. So much jargon and terminology. So many "rules".
But I found what I think are some decent resources:
-https://psyche.com/guides/how-to-explore-ethical-non-monogamy-with-care-and-kindness
-https://www.drheathschechinger.com/resources (lots of books, podcasts, and other resources here)
And I looked into related meetups in my area.
This is just the beginning and I have some hope. I no longer need to conduct myself in the shadows.
Today, we've checked in with each other. He's feeling shaken, and I suspect a little bit of fear. I'm feeling emotional and a little overwhelmed. We're okay.
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