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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 1, 2024 8:07:07 GMT -5
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Mar 1, 2024 8:24:22 GMT -5
Its a good video. It's all true.
"What I want matters".
This is really then core of the issue. But I've been conditioned my whole life to put others needs ahead of my own. And I realize now this this is part of the problem (I've watched a lot of videos now about being more assertive). So this why it feels so wrong to walk away, it seems like the ultimate selfish act because it's only me that would benefit.
Intellectually I know that the intimacy I want will never happen with my wife, she's made it clear that she simply can't understand why physical intimacy is important. But even with that knowledge my feeling is to keep trying and hope that something can be rekindled.
I know at some point I need to walk away but it's so final, that last step is truly giving up.
When I finally do reach that final step I'll at least know that I tried and I gave her the chance to come around.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 1, 2024 9:45:42 GMT -5
Saying that "It's only sex, it isn't important." is a rationalization that withholders use to prevent them from addressing their dysfunction and God forbid - fixing their avoidant or dismissive problem. It is actively withholding their commitment to their relationship, still holding back while also invalidating their partners needs. Always keeps the neglected partner at an arms distance to ENSURE that vulnerable closeness doesn't happen so they can keep living in their head with a fake relationship dynamic.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 1, 2024 10:01:52 GMT -5
Its a good video. It's all true. "What I want matters". This is really then core of the issue. But I've been conditioned my whole life to put others needs ahead of my own. And I realize now this this is part of the problem (I've watched a lot of videos now about being more assertive). So this why it feels so wrong to walk away, it seems like the ultimate selfish act because it's only me that would benefit. Intellectually I know that the intimacy I want will never happen with my wife, she's made it clear that she simply can't understand why physical intimacy is important. But even with that knowledge my feeling is to keep trying and hope that something can be rekindled. I know at some point I need to walk away but it's so final, that last step is truly giving up. When I finally do reach that final step I'll at least know that I tried and I gave her the chance to come around. it seems like you are forgetting there is option 2 in the list of choices you have. That being to do as the author of the video above did, open up the marriage. She had the "talk" with her H and came to know that like your W, there would be no more sex with this person. I would hope you could have the same talk with your W. Then set about the process of opening the marriage and finding a partner to share your need for intimacy. If your W will not go along with opening the marriage then you will need to open the marriage without her consent. I know it risks all sorts of potential disaster, but we are talking about the rest of your life. Will you live it or will you give it away to someone who has no love or feelings for you? |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Mar 1, 2024 10:11:37 GMT -5
Its a good video. It's all true. "What I want matters". This is really then core of the issue. But I've been conditioned my whole life to put others needs ahead of my own. And I realize now this this is part of the problem (I've watched a lot of videos now about being more assertive). So this why it feels so wrong to walk away, it seems like the ultimate selfish act because it's only me that would benefit. Intellectually I know that the intimacy I want will never happen with my wife, she's made it clear that she simply can't understand why physical intimacy is important. But even with that knowledge my feeling is to keep trying and hope that something can be rekindled. I know at some point I need to walk away but it's so final, that last step is truly giving up. When I finally do reach that final step I'll at least know that I tried and I gave her the chance to come around. it seems like you are forgetting there is option 2 in the list of choices you have. That being to do as the author of the video above did, open up the marriage. She had the "talk" with her H and came to know that like your W, there would be no more sex with this person. I would hope you could have the same talk with your W. Then set about the process of opening the marriage and finding a partner to share your need for intimacy. If your W will not go along with opening the marriage then you will need to open the marriage without her consent. I know it risks all sorts of potential disaster, but we are talking about the rest of your life. Will you live it or will you give it away to someone who has no love or feelings for you? I won't lie, I'm tempted but won't for a few reasons. 1) my dad cheated on my mother and I know the effect it had on my mom. They however were sexually active so I don't know what the motivations were there. 2) I don't want to keep things secret. 3) The pool of women that would be willing to be the "other woman" for a 47 year old, short dad bod guy is very limited. |
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 1, 2024 11:07:37 GMT -5
it seems like you are forgetting there is option 2 in the list of choices you have. That being to do as the author of the video above did, open up the marriage. She had the "talk" with her H and came to know that like your W, there would be no more sex with this person. I would hope you could have the same talk with your W. Then set about the process of opening the marriage and finding a partner to share your need for intimacy. If your W will not go along with opening the marriage then you will need to open the marriage without her consent. I know it risks all sorts of potential disaster, but we are talking about the rest of your life. Will you live it or will you give it away to someone who has no love or feelings for you? I won't lie, I'm tempted but won't for a few reasons. 1) my dad cheated on my mother and I know the effect it had on my mom. They however were sexually active so I don't know what the motivations were there. 2) I don't want to keep things secret. 3) The pool of women that would be willing to be the "other woman" for a 47 year old, short dad bod guy is very limited. There's this new diet out that helps this... I'm gonna give it a try .. divorce diet yeah that's it🤨 |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Mar 1, 2024 12:19:12 GMT -5
I won't lie, I'm tempted but won't for a few reasons. 1) my dad cheated on my mother and I know the effect it had on my mom. They however were sexually active so I don't know what the motivations were there. 2) I don't want to keep things secret. 3) The pool of women that would be willing to be the "other woman" for a 47 year old, short dad bod guy is very limited. There's this new diet out that helps this... I'm gonna give it a try .. divorce diet yeah that's it🤨 Soon* |
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 1, 2024 14:01:43 GMT -5
I won't lie, I'm tempted but won't for a few reasons. 1) my dad cheated on my mother and I know the effect it had on my mom. They however were sexually active so I don't know what the motivations were there. 2) I don't want to keep things secret. 3) The pool of women that would be willing to be the "other woman" for a 47 year old, short dad bod guy is very limited. Your mom and your W are of different generations. And as you say, your parents were not in a SM, so I don't see the comparison as being valid. No need to keep things secret. If you have the "talk" in which a FWB is on the table for you , it might be possible to bring the "don't ask, don't tell " option into play for the both of you. Just a thought. And as far as the pool of woman available for you. At 47 I should think it would ba a fairly large one. Get that dad bod into fighting condition, so if the opportunity comes round, you wil be ready. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 1, 2024 16:52:23 GMT -5
3) The pool of women that would be willing to be the "other woman" for a 47 year old, short dad bod guy is very limited. I wouldn’t be so quick to assume this. It might be the effect of your rubbish marriage in your self esteem. In middle age does a partner have to be magazine perfect to be attractive to you? If you have some chemistry, you make her giggle and your values appeal to her, it’s very likely she finds your dad bod more delicious than you think. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 1, 2024 17:07:17 GMT -5
I know at some point I need to walk away but it's so final, that last step is truly giving up. When I finally do reach that final step I'll at least know that I tried and I gave her the chance to come around. You are correct with this. I stayed until I felt that I had left no stone unturned in my efforts to get my marriage back on track. It was hard time, but time well spent. I think my certainty that the marriage was deceased was a huge factor in my ability to move on comfortably after I left. I had no “if only’s” or “what if’s” to deal with. Once I dropped the bomb, I never had a whisper of doubt or regret. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Mar 2, 2024 7:00:58 GMT -5
I know at some point I need to walk away but it's so final, that last step is truly giving up. When I finally do reach that final step I'll at least know that I tried and I gave her the chance to come around. You are correct with this. I stayed until I felt that I had left no stone unturned in my efforts to get my marriage back on track. It was hard time, but time well spent. I think my certainty that the marriage was deceased was a huge factor in my ability to move on comfortably after I left. I had no “if only’s” or “what if’s” to deal with. Once I dropped the bomb, I never had a whisper of doubt or regret. Just when I think I'm 100% there and ready to tell her she does something like last night. I had my hand on her while she was reading but I made a mistake by twitching a finger and she pushed my hand away ( it was on her hip). So I roll over to sleep and as I'm falling asleep she comes over and spoons me, I held her so tight. It felt so good just for her to initiate that little contact that I was tearing up. Then as suddenly as it started she rolled back over and went to sleep. Now I'm thinking to myself, is this a start? Is there anyway to build on this or will be weeks again before she reaches out and touches me? Or is she sensing how close I am to leaving and just breadcrumbing me? |
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Post by csl on Mar 2, 2024 8:20:10 GMT -5
Now I'm thinking to myself, is this a start? Is there anyway to build on this or will be weeks again before she reaches out and touches me? Or is she sensing how close I am to leaving and just breadcrumbing me? Uh, no! It's not even the kissing that is your minimum. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 2, 2024 13:36:00 GMT -5
You are correct with this. I stayed until I felt that I had left no stone unturned in my efforts to get my marriage back on track. It was hard time, but time well spent. I think my certainty that the marriage was deceased was a huge factor in my ability to move on comfortably after I left. I had no “if only’s” or “what if’s” to deal with. Once I dropped the bomb, I never had a whisper of doubt or regret. Just when I think I'm 100% there and ready to tell her she does something like last night. I had my hand on her while she was reading but I made a mistake by twitching a finger and she pushed my hand away ( it was on her hip). So I roll over to sleep and as I'm falling asleep she comes over and spoons me, I held her so tight. It felt so good just for her to initiate that little contact that I was tearing up. Then as suddenly as it started she rolled back over and went to sleep. Now I'm thinking to myself, is this a start? Is there anyway to build on this or will be weeks again before she reaches out and touches me? Or is she sensing how close I am to leaving and just breadcrumbing me? It's not the start of something. She has spooned you before after ignoring you. Rather, it is the end, if you are accepting of and are cool with spooning being the most intimacy you are ever going to get from her. She already knows it. She knows she has all the power. You can take it all back with one sentence. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 2, 2024 17:05:02 GMT -5
Then as suddenly as it started she rolled back over and went to sleep. I am sorry, but this is the part which tells you that it is not the start of anything significant. I wish I could say something different. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Mar 2, 2024 17:20:00 GMT -5
You guys are all right. I know it, I just don't want to admit it.
I have another councilling session on Monday. I need to ask point blank if we will ever have any kind of sexual touching. What she says in counciling doesn't match with reality what she's told me alone.
At this point even if there is some kind of sexual touching I know its not what she wants.
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