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dallasgia
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WTH Feb 1, 2024 7:38:53 GMT -5 via Tapatalk greatcoastal and sweetplumeria like this

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Post by dallasgia on Feb 1, 2024 7:38:53 GMT -5

So, check this out, I found this on his desk. 5 YEARS sexless - and look what I found laying right on top of his desk.
Our Anniversary is coming up in March but there’s not a snowballs chance in hell this is for me? Right?

What would you do?
DG

greatcoastal
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WTH Feb 1, 2024 7:46:28 GMT -5 sweetplumeria, ironhamster, and 1 more like this

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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2024 7:46:28 GMT -5

I would not confront him about it.

I would photograph it, (like you already have)

Show it to an attorney and ask if 'finding out more evidence- having him followed by a P.I.' is going to benefit you in divorce court in any way.

Stay the course.

Say a prayer to God " thank you Lord for sending this to me, for confirming that I am making the right choice! Continue to guide me and thank you for the strength you give me!"

Remind yourself daily- his loss, your gain! As you talk it out with your mentor friends.

Stars can't shine without darkness.

m76
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WTH Feb 1, 2024 7:53:55 GMT -5 via mobile h, ironhamster, and 1 more like this

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Post by m76 on Feb 1, 2024 7:53:55 GMT -5

Feb 1, 2024 7:38:53 GMT -5 dallasgia said:

So, check this out, I found this on his desk. 5 YEARS sexless - and look what I found laying right on top of his desk.
Our Anniversary is coming up in March but there’s not a snowballs chance in hell this is for me? Right?

What would you do?
DG

I assume it folds out to say something completely different. Seems like an asshole thing to do if he knows he's a refuser.

DryCreek
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Life’s too short to live without passion!

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WTH Feb 1, 2024 9:32:22 GMT -5 sweetplumeria, h, and 2 more like this

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Post by DryCreek on Feb 1, 2024 9:32:22 GMT -5

Feb 1, 2024 7:38:53 GMT -5 dallasgia said:

So, check this out, I found this on his desk. 5 YEARS sexless - and look what I found laying right on top of his desk.
Our Anniversary is coming up in March but there’s not a snowballs chance in hell this is for me? Right?

What would you do?
DG

Leave it be and see if it makes an appearance. The only non-ugly outcome here is if he throws it in the trash. Good chance he left it there on purpose just to be an ass.

imgur.com/tg1kzf7

Love without limits. Live without regret.

greatcoastal
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Thanks for the Birthday wishes! Dinner with a friend tonight and B.D dance with the ladies!

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WTH Feb 1, 2024 9:49:23 GMT -5 dallasgia and mirrororchid like this

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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 1, 2024 9:49:23 GMT -5

What does it say on the inside? Did he sign it? Is there a name inside that he's sending it to? Think he'll be foolish enough to mail it from your own mailbox?
valentines day is around the corner!
Think he has a P.O. box? (most likely if he's hiding money,and has a non-address to have it sent too.)

Stars can't shine without darkness.

mirrororchid
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Previously sexless, 4 year recovery 2019-2023, two month relapse 2024, currently recovered.

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WTH Feb 5, 2024 4:15:33 GMT -5 sweetplumeria, ironhamster, and 1 more like this

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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 5, 2024 4:15:33 GMT -5

Feb 1, 2024 7:53:55 GMT -5 m76 said:

Feb 1, 2024 7:38:53 GMT -5 dallasgia said:

So, check this out, I found this on his desk. 5 YEARS sexless - and look what I found laying right on top of his desk.
Our Anniversary is coming up in March but there’s not a snowballs chance in hell this is for me? Right?

What would you do?
DG

I assume it folds out to say something completely different. Seems like an asshole thing to do if he knows he's a refuser.

It did.
And not that Mr. Dallasgia deserves benefit of the doubt with the money bag nonsense, it's also possible he's clueless that he reaction will not be mirth.

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 4:15:55 GMT -5 by mirrororchid

toughtiger
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WTH Feb 5, 2024 8:20:14 GMT -5 greatcoastal, ironhamster, and 1 more like this

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Post by toughtiger on Feb 5, 2024 8:20:14 GMT -5

if i got something like that especially after being sexless for so long he would be walking funny for a long time.

I wonder if the spouse thought about what a disappointment this is to a refused spouse....
My anniversary is coming up but i do not have to worry he has never remembered it.

We had a weekend where he at least tried to be present and talk ............but he leads right up to something stupid to piss me off. Then lies about it.

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 8:37:26 GMT -5 by toughtiger

week5of35years
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I consider myself out of a SM... @the Talk in Nov '23 and progressing well so far....

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WTH Feb 5, 2024 8:33:18 GMT -5 greatcoastal, ironhamster, and 2 more like this

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Post by week5of35years on Feb 5, 2024 8:33:18 GMT -5

mirrororchid has a fab set of Valentines stuff here... Surviving valentines.... (edit) the topic really resonates for me about Anniversaries as well....

the one I like best is very straight forward.... sub the word anniversary for Valentine

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 8:50:02 GMT -5 by week5of35years

m76
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WTH Feb 5, 2024 8:38:06 GMT -5 via mobile sweetplumeria and dallasgia like this

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Post by m76 on Feb 5, 2024 8:38:06 GMT -5

With Feb 14 right around the corner, I'm sure like most people here, I'm dreading it. The expectation is for me to take her out to a nice, expensive dinner where she will smile and hold my hand while we talk. We'll come back home and she will say she has a headache and go to sleep.

Wonder if if I should get her the "Hot Sex" card? Lol

worksforme2
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WTH Feb 5, 2024 9:00:18 GMT -5 greatcoastal, ironhamster, and 1 more like this

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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 5, 2024 9:00:18 GMT -5

Feb 5, 2024 4:15:33 GMT -5 mirrororchid said:

Feb 1, 2024 7:53:55 GMT -5 m76 said:

I assume it folds out to say something completely different. Seems like an asshole thing to do if he knows he's a refuser.

It did.
And not that Mr. Dallasgia deserves benefit of the doubt with the money bag nonsense, it's also possible he's clueless that he reaction will not be mirth.

Seeing the inside of the card it is pretty obvious he is not talking about actual sex. If you were not on the way to divorce this might signal some chemistry simmering under the surface. But given the sexless aspect of the relatonship this is just rubbing it in.

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 13:03:45 GMT -5 by worksforme2

greatcoastal
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Thanks for the Birthday wishes! Dinner with a friend tonight and B.D dance with the ladies!

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WTH Feb 5, 2024 10:52:07 GMT -5 warmways, sweetplumeria, and 3 more like this

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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 5, 2024 10:52:07 GMT -5

Oh.. we could have fun dissecting this card!! (the true meaning- or reading between the lines of the lines) (I'll go first!)

Holding hands : Once a year when the relatives visit on a holiday. Or Reaching my hand out to yours for the credit card!

Sharing our dreams : forcing my way on you,and only my way!

Taking a nice long walk: Travel, travel, travel, on your dime, walking far ahead of you while seeing new cities and avoiding sex.

Openly talking about our feelings: The refuser talks while you listen and obey their commands.

Enjoying time together: Putting on the fake mask, gotta keep her/him from getting the $$$!

Going out to dinner: Zero communication,and a free meal on the other persons money!

Watching a ballet: Zero communication,and another excuse not to be having sex!

Taking time to relax: In separate rooms on the computer or phone non stop while having a head ache!

Recalling how we met: The refuser gas-lighting you that everything (for them) is just the way they want it!!

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 10:54:21 GMT -5 by greatcoastal

Stars can't shine without darkness.

DryCreek
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WTH Feb 5, 2024 11:25:56 GMT -5 jim44444, greatcoastal, and 2 more like this

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Post by DryCreek on Feb 5, 2024 11:25:56 GMT -5

Feb 5, 2024 8:38:06 GMT -5 m76 said:

With Feb 14 right around the corner, I'm sure like most people here, I'm dreading it. The expectation is for me to take her out to a nice, expensive dinner where she will smile and hold my hand while we talk. We'll come back home and she will say she has a headache and go to sleep.

This is a tough line to tread.

Do you continue with the romantic gestures that haven't worked so far? They feed her what she wants, but also reinforces the idea that there's nothing wrong - that she can get what she needs out of the relationship while you suffer. Are you "feeding the bad dog"? Giving positive reinforcement for bad behavior? (Personally, I'd like to believe that kindness yields positive results, but I've been shown that this doesn't turnaround bad behavior.)

Or do you forego the effort and send a message? Tell her that you're not going to keep up appearances and fill her emotional tank when she won't behave like a loving spouse. It creates friction in the short-term, but will she heed the warning?

Instead of spending $100's on an upscale dinner out, maybe bring home some Chinese take-out and spend dinner discussing it.

DC

Love without limits. Live without regret.

greatcoastal
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Thanks for the Birthday wishes! Dinner with a friend tonight and B.D dance with the ladies!

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WTH Feb 5, 2024 11:34:57 GMT -5 warmways, dallasgia, and 2 more like this

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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 5, 2024 11:34:57 GMT -5

Feb 5, 2024 11:25:56 GMT -5 DryCreek said:

Feb 5, 2024 8:38:06 GMT -5 m76 said:

This is a tough line to tread.

Do you continue with the romantic gestures that haven't worked so far? They feed her what she wants, but also reinforces the idea that there's nothing wrong - that she can get what she needs out of the relationship while you suffer. Are you "feeding the bad dog"? Giving positive reinforcement for bad behavior? (Personally, I'd like to believe that kindness yields positive results, but I've been shown that this doesn't turnaround bad behavior.)

DC

Hi DryCreek! Thanks for returning and sharing your knowledge!

Do you remember the " coke machine analogy"? Putting quarter after after quarter into a broken machine? Then, eventually going to a different machine! That video has been taken down and is no longer available, or I'd post it again.

Stars can't shine without darkness.

DryCreek
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Life’s too short to live without passion!

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WTH Feb 5, 2024 14:53:29 GMT -5 greatcoastal, ironhamster, and 2 more like this

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Post by DryCreek on Feb 5, 2024 14:53:29 GMT -5

Feb 5, 2024 11:34:57 GMT -5 greatcoastal said:

Hi DryCreek ! Thanks for returning and sharing your knowledge!

Do you remember the " coke machine analogy"? Putting quarter after after quarter into a broken machine? Then, eventually going to a different machine! That video has been taken down and is no longer available, or I'd post it again.

Right. Hope is a cruel mistress; it traps us into believing bad situations are on the cusp of a turnaround, so we keep chasing an imagined outcome instead of dealing with the current reality. Maybe the Coke machine will accept the quarter if I try just one more time. (Even worse when you've gotten 3 out of 4 quarters to work.) This logic is how people lose their shirt in Vegas.

It's a tough call to switch from playing defense to offense, but in many cases that's the only way to change the dynamic. "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten."

This isn't the therapist video you reference, but it's the one that comes to my mind whenever the topic comes up:

Last Edit: Feb 5, 2024 14:56:18 GMT -5 by DryCreek

Love without limits. Live without regret.

aquacat
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WTH Feb 5, 2024 15:45:58 GMT -5 ironhamster, dallasgia, and 2 more like this

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Post by aquacat on Feb 5, 2024 15:45:58 GMT -5

My wife and I both dislike Valentine's Day so at least there's no expectation of anything, though she did get me something this year as it delivered early but it's not really a Valentine's gift. I am a romantic at heart but thanks to how things are in my marriage I despise anything romantic since I'm missing out on so much of it. She does not like romance.