Maybe it IS me

There is someone out there for you...

P

Same old, same old.....It is unlikely that any of the things you mentioned above are really what is the reason for what is happening, or not happening in your marriage. The partner doing all the work trying to fix the lack of intimacy is rarely to be faulted for going the extra mile in the relationship. Most males here are gasping for breathe reading about another man turning down a willing and eager sexual partner. Hard to get ones mind around that senerio. You are depressed at the moment. Take 5, do some deep breathing exercises and know that "this to shall pass".

I have tried to attract a handful of online f@#ck buddies but it has failed on all attempts. Not because I stopped but because they dropped off without any honest or true reason for stopping. It must be me or guys in general just have no courage to say they're done or why or anything for that matter. This is where my head goes so, shame on me for taking it to heart and mind.

Oh dear, you sound very down in the dumps, and it’s not hard for me to see why. Being knocked back by your spouse certainly leaves a lady especially vulnerable. It’s rubbish for men and women, definitely, but we get the added punch in the guts from that old “known” in society; that all men like sex and are raring to go at all times… except my man for me. 

I am going to offer an alternative perspective, which may or may not reflect your experiences. I am wondering why your assumption is that there is fault with you that these men vanish? Could it be quite the opposite? Is it possible that these men have enjoyed contact with you, and in doing so have gained an understanding of what a normal relationship looks like which provides a stark contrast to their reality, which is hard for them to bear? Might this take time for these men to process and come to terms with a reminder of what normal, healthy communication looks and feels like?

I have spoken to several men online, here and elsewhere, who have floated away and then back towards me who have explained this was what was in their thinking. (In my situation these were above board, civilised conversations with no aspect of debauchery. So, emotionally very different to you possibly.) The common denominator was the difficulty these men seemed to experience having healthy communication with a very different woman than their wife. A woman not hell-bent on control, manipulation, blaming and abusing. They loved it all, until it got them thinking about their choices, then it all got really hard, so they pulled a Houdini to make it all easier for them. 

So, petal, it may well not be anything to do with you, other than you being a normal, healthy, well adjusted women causing more confusion than these men can bear. If you can, please try to be kind to yourself. 

Ah, I am glad my thinking was helpful to you. I agree that this is a situation where some backbone comes in handy, but some folks just can’t find that strength when it is needed. They find something out about themselves in this moment most likely. 

The returns have been quite interesting. From the “hello there, how are you?” like nothing happened, to a whole mea culpa thing. One guy told me he had felt horrible about his exit every day he was away. (He needn’t have, I was a lot less arsed about it than his inflated ego was imagining.) 

If you can, try to find confidence in yourself and leave these spineless men to their tragic lives with cold and abusive wives. They may be missing you as much as you are missing them. 

Yep, it’s probably the connection which has scared the bejesus out of them. My view is leave them be, to process the news that there is better out there if they dare to strive for it. My experiences stretch over 5 years. Gaps of 18 months- 2, 3 years, but for reasons of their own these men did not seem to forget our friendship. In the meantime, live your life, promote your own happiness and leave the rest to the cosmos. I repeat, they are very likely thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them.