Head Emerging from Sand, if ever so Slightly
Jun 14, 2016 8:31:19 GMT -5
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Isabellas39, DryCreek, and 11 more like this
Post by JMX on Jun 14, 2016 8:31:19 GMT -5
STBX has been a much better roommate since I gave him the papers of my terms and asked for him to help and compromise. As I have said before, he has taken on a couple of home projects and done a pretty good job - almost completing them. With that, has come following me around, starting conversations with me - none of which have been deep at all. I waited for the best moment to approach the subject again and I pounced on Saturday night during his attempt at a conversation, very small-talky in nature.
I approached it with love:
Me: Have you thought more about the papers I gave you and how you want this to go down?
H: No.
Me: My appointment is booked for 4:00 on Wednesday. We really need to talk about this - I would rather have your input.
H: I didn't realize it was going to be so fast.
Me: What did you think it should look like?
H: Maybe 9 months down the road when we are more financially stable, we could work on our relationship.
Me: you're reluctance to help work through the financial problems leaving it entirely to me as well as our relationship problems in general lets me know this is a lost cause. We are modeling poor relationship behavior for our girls.
Him: quiet
Me: I love you and I will love you until the day that I die but I will not live like this anymore.
I went on to explain my reasoning for custody (he will have to learn to live on his own first), that I wasn't planning on being a dick about it and we could work out some cases where maybe we had family dinner once a week outside of his visitation schedule. I told him once he is on his feet, we could arrange joint custody and 50/50. He expressed concern when I told him what I expected of him financially - child support and his half of the IRS payments as well as other debt payments. I told him it would be hard on either/both of us anyway and I worked his out on paper - it will be tight but he can get through. I assured him that he can also pick up side jobs and live a little better.
He asked where I would go - I told him I keep the house as I am the only one that may have the ability to pay for it. Obviously, he hadn't even read my hard copies. We went on to discuss some of my other points, so he could hear them loud and clear.
I turned the conversation to what went wrong. We discussed the "incident" of 11 years ago. He admitted he lost all trust in me in that moment and was never able to get it back. I told him it would have been nice to know years ago when we were in therapy for his reaction rather than what precipitated it, but what was done was done. I told him that open and honest communication would probably help him through future trials with future relationships. I expressed that he may want to seek individual counseling to better be able to recognize that people have problems and you have to work through them. I told him that therapy might help him face the damage done to him emotionally from past verbal and physical abuse.
I reminded him how particularly nasty and passive aggressive he has ben to me, especially over the last 6 months - that I felt he was mad at me for my bad luck financially. He admitted this was so! I asked him how he thought that was fair considering his employment record and particularly, unemployment for 2.5 years when I carried the entire family. He admitted it wasn't fair but he did feel anger about it. That alone told me most of what I needed to know.
I told him that when he turned away from me 11 years ago - I spent the time trying to get it back, begging for crumbs of affection and that I was no longer interested in "working" on it. I told him that while I had been loyal to him, he didn't deserve my loyalty as he had left me with no marriage, a bad business and co-parenting relationship and a horrible roommate situation.
Me: I am done. This is happening.
He still will not talk to me about it and still has not sent it to his brother to look over. I have my second meeting with my lawyer tomorrow and he is writing it up. I guess I can hope he continues to bury his head in the sand and doesn't answer my complaint to make this easier. I guess we can see.
Last night, my youngest bought Mrs. Doibtfire with her tooth fairy money. We watched it together - and husband continued his MO - wiping tears of sadness - the only sadness he ever experiences is through movies - fantasy - other people's fictional lives. I feel sorry for him. Not sorry enough to stay.
I approached it with love:
Me: Have you thought more about the papers I gave you and how you want this to go down?
H: No.
Me: My appointment is booked for 4:00 on Wednesday. We really need to talk about this - I would rather have your input.
H: I didn't realize it was going to be so fast.
Me: What did you think it should look like?
H: Maybe 9 months down the road when we are more financially stable, we could work on our relationship.
Me: you're reluctance to help work through the financial problems leaving it entirely to me as well as our relationship problems in general lets me know this is a lost cause. We are modeling poor relationship behavior for our girls.
Him: quiet
Me: I love you and I will love you until the day that I die but I will not live like this anymore.
I went on to explain my reasoning for custody (he will have to learn to live on his own first), that I wasn't planning on being a dick about it and we could work out some cases where maybe we had family dinner once a week outside of his visitation schedule. I told him once he is on his feet, we could arrange joint custody and 50/50. He expressed concern when I told him what I expected of him financially - child support and his half of the IRS payments as well as other debt payments. I told him it would be hard on either/both of us anyway and I worked his out on paper - it will be tight but he can get through. I assured him that he can also pick up side jobs and live a little better.
He asked where I would go - I told him I keep the house as I am the only one that may have the ability to pay for it. Obviously, he hadn't even read my hard copies. We went on to discuss some of my other points, so he could hear them loud and clear.
I turned the conversation to what went wrong. We discussed the "incident" of 11 years ago. He admitted he lost all trust in me in that moment and was never able to get it back. I told him it would have been nice to know years ago when we were in therapy for his reaction rather than what precipitated it, but what was done was done. I told him that open and honest communication would probably help him through future trials with future relationships. I expressed that he may want to seek individual counseling to better be able to recognize that people have problems and you have to work through them. I told him that therapy might help him face the damage done to him emotionally from past verbal and physical abuse.
I reminded him how particularly nasty and passive aggressive he has ben to me, especially over the last 6 months - that I felt he was mad at me for my bad luck financially. He admitted this was so! I asked him how he thought that was fair considering his employment record and particularly, unemployment for 2.5 years when I carried the entire family. He admitted it wasn't fair but he did feel anger about it. That alone told me most of what I needed to know.
I told him that when he turned away from me 11 years ago - I spent the time trying to get it back, begging for crumbs of affection and that I was no longer interested in "working" on it. I told him that while I had been loyal to him, he didn't deserve my loyalty as he had left me with no marriage, a bad business and co-parenting relationship and a horrible roommate situation.
Me: I am done. This is happening.
He still will not talk to me about it and still has not sent it to his brother to look over. I have my second meeting with my lawyer tomorrow and he is writing it up. I guess I can hope he continues to bury his head in the sand and doesn't answer my complaint to make this easier. I guess we can see.
Last night, my youngest bought Mrs. Doibtfire with her tooth fairy money. We watched it together - and husband continued his MO - wiping tears of sadness - the only sadness he ever experiences is through movies - fantasy - other people's fictional lives. I feel sorry for him. Not sorry enough to stay.
