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Post by celine on Oct 12, 2023 15:02:33 GMT -5
My husband (M42) and I (F30) have been together for 6 years, married for 2. The year we got engaged our sex stopped and since then now about 3 years later I can count on one had how many times we’ve had sex. I had a baby in 2021 and gained 5 pounds then promptly lost is within 5 weeks of baby’s birth. I keep up with my appearance and I am truly a loving partner,mother and spouse. For months after the baby I asked/practically begged for my husband to touch me to no avail. So then I tried to initiate and there was always an excuse, headache, too stressed (he works in why could be considered an emotionally draining profession). So then I started thinking he was maybe gay. I asked him and gave him a comfortable place to be honest and he said he’s not. Then I asked if there was someone else, he said no. Well… he had an “emotional relationship” with a younger girl who he shared “only” a kiss with. He promised that was it, we went to therapy and worked through it (I guess). Sex was still non existent and to be honest I was grossed out by him for a while. I tried to talk to him about how sex is important to me and makes me feel connected and that we could do other stuff does not have to be penetrative sex (in case he’s having issues with holding an erection). Here we are in 2023 and we have sex only when he wants it and it seems like it’s just for maintenance. I never have an orgasm and once he asked me if I had an orgasm and I said no then he told me that I could go finish myself in the bathroom. I always give bjs and he never goes down on me. I’ve told him MANY time that sex is for both of us and that I need him to consider me and my needs. I just don’t know if things will change. At one time I saw him as my best friend but after the breech of trust I’ve not looked at him the same. He’s not a particularly positive person and he’s about 50 pounds over weight. I could do so much better but a part of me still has love for him and I want our family to be together. My baby ADORES him. So a few questions to anyone out there that has a shared experience:
1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start?
2. Could I be the problem?
3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby?
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Post by baza on Oct 12, 2023 18:51:36 GMT -5
Welcome Sister celine . 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? Could be just a rut, but based solely on what you have written it appears to be a lot more serious than that. 2. Could I be the problem? You - like most of us here - are some part of the problem but in these situations apportioning blame is a pretty unproductive passtime.. 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? There could be many "why" your spouse is as he is and the baby is one of them. As you read the posts in here you'll see assorted "why" in play but chasing the "why" is another pretty unproductive route to take. You might be best served to read read read the posts in here to get a handle on what you are dealing with. Welcome again, hope you get some value out of the group. |
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Oct 12, 2023 20:10:48 GMT -5
My husband (M42) and I (F30) have been together for 6 years, married for 2. The year we got engaged our sex stopped and since then now about 3 years later I can count on one had how many times we’ve had sex. I had a baby in 2021 and gained 5 pounds then promptly lost is within 5 weeks of baby’s birth. I keep up with my appearance and I am truly a loving partner,mother and spouse. For months after the baby I asked/practically begged for my husband to touch me to no avail. So then I tried to initiate and there was always an excuse, headache, too stressed (he works in why could be considered an emotionally draining profession). So then I started thinking he was maybe gay. I asked him and gave him a comfortable place to be honest and he said he’s not. Then I asked if there was someone else, he said no. Well… he had an “emotional relationship” with a younger girl who he shared “only” a kiss with. He promised that was it, we went to therapy and worked through it (I guess). Sex was still non existent and to be honest I was grossed out by him for a while. I tried to talk to him about how sex is important to me and makes me feel connected and that we could do other stuff does not have to be penetrative sex (in case he’s having issues with holding an erection). Here we are in 2023 and we have sex only when he wants it and it seems like it’s just for maintenance. I never have an orgasm and once he asked me if I had an orgasm and I said no then he told me that I could go finish myself in the bathroom. I always give bjs and he never goes down on me. I’ve told him MANY time that sex is for both of us and that I need him to consider me and my needs. I just don’t know if things will change. At one time I saw him as my best friend but after the breech of trust I’ve not looked at him the same. He’s not a particularly positive person and he’s about 50 pounds over weight. I could do so much better but a part of me still has love for him and I want our family to be together. My baby ADORES him. So a few questions to anyone out there that has a shared experience: 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? 2. Could I be the problem? 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? I agree with Baza read more in here and it will help. I couldn’t fathom my wife being as forth coming as you have been. Just from the bits of info you have shared here. He dated you when you were young. He had a emotional affair with a younger woman. Maybe that could be it. Definitely nothing wrong with you in what you are doing. As for his past before you does he have any kids from the previous relationship? If so what happened with that relationship? When my wife had our children she lost the drive I did not. If anything I was more attracted to her being a great mother to my kids. All men are different but seems to me he has lost interest. Many different reasons but I would guess it’s the younger woman thing has something to do with it. Best of luck to you |
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 13, 2023 4:46:57 GMT -5
Welcome, celine. A term you might want to search is "Madonna Whore Complex." In a nutshell, some men have a psychological problem that causes them to see their wives as tainted after they have a child. Keep in mind, if this is the issue, this is his problem to deal with. Your issue to deal with is him. You need to decide what your limits are, and how long you are willing to wait for him to get his act together. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 13, 2023 5:57:23 GMT -5
By definitian you are in a SM. You are understandably "why chaseing" at this point. Unfortunately "why chaseing" is seldom productive. There could be any # of reasons and it is possibly your H doesn't know himself why he acts as he does. I would advise that you both seek counseling. You to understand that you are not the cause of his actions, and him to seek what in his background might give rise to his behavior. I don't normally advise therapy but in this case I don't see another clear path. Good luck...
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Oct 13, 2023 6:38:45 GMT -5
By definitian you are in a SM. You are understandably "why chaseing" at this point. Unfortunately "why chaseing" is seldom productive. There could be any # of reasons and it is possibly your H doesn't know himself why he acts as he does. I would advise that you both seek counseling. You to understand that you are not the cause of his actions, and him to seek what in his background might give rise to his behavior. I don't normally advise therapy but in this case I don't see another clear path. Good luck... I'm one of the few guys on here that found out the "why", in my case she confessed that she's asexual and never wanted or enjoyed sex even though before we got married we did it often. So now even though I know why, it doesn't change the situation. The only comfort I can give is even though you don't have that answer yet, it's not likely because of anything you've done. |
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Post by aquacat on Oct 13, 2023 7:44:41 GMT -5
I have read several articles, and this was many years ago, that say studies show a man's testosterone levels drop after having a child and they slowly start to go back up as the child gets older. Not giving him an excuse at all but that could be one thing; his hormone levels. I'm the higher libido in my marriage and think my wife is asexual because even when we first got married (should have seen this red flag back then) she really wasn't into sex a lot and her doing oral sex dropped right after we got married. She's told me time and time again she has sex with me because it's something I need.
Do you and your husband do anything intimately outside of sex? Do you both do a date night or spend any time together without your baby?
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Post by csl on Oct 13, 2023 8:04:33 GMT -5
1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? 2. Could I be the problem? 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? 1 - Yes. Maybe, but only if you don't take his no as final, and insist that he step up, somehow. First, start standing up for yourself. 2 - No. 3 - Madonna Complex. You don't screw the mother of God. |
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Post by celine on Oct 13, 2023 9:18:45 GMT -5
Welcome Sister celine . 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? Could be just a rut, but based solely on what you have written it appears to be a lot more serious than that. 2. Could I be the problem? You - like most of us here - are some part of the problem but in these situations apportioning blame is a pretty unproductive passtime.. 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? There could be many "why" your spouse is as he is and the baby is one of them. As you read the posts in here you'll see assorted "why" in play but chasing the "why" is another pretty unproductive route to take. You might be best served to read read read the posts in here to get a handle on what you are dealing with. Welcome again, hope you get some value out of the group. I appreciate your feedback. I want to be married and I’m here to try to fix this. I’m concerned that my husband is not being honest with me about his past and that there is some sort of problem that he won’t share. As I continue to read other stories I lose hope in a sense. Many of the stories don’t have positive endings. I’m trying to remain hopeful. |
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Post by celine on Oct 13, 2023 9:32:27 GMT -5
I have read several articles, and this was many years ago, that say studies show a man's testosterone levels drop after having a child and they slowly start to go back up as the child gets older. Not giving him an excuse at all but that could be one thing; his hormone levels. I'm the higher libido in my marriage and think my wife is asexual because even when we first got married (should have seen this red flag back then) she really wasn't into sex a lot and her doing oral sex dropped right after we got married. She's told me time and time again she has sex with me because it's something I need. Do you and your husband do anything intimately outside of sex? Do you both do a date night or spend any time together without your baby? I’ve asked about the hormones and even said we should have them checked together, he says he has blood work at his annuals and everything is good there. I’m not sure how true that is. I am and have always been higher libido and I know that about our relationship. I’ve stopped asking for physical intimacy because he says it adds stress and then in turn makes it harder for him to perform. I am an avid tennis player, so we play together some and we do go on dates which are fun and sometimes intimate, but at the end I want to have sex! Like I want to close out this great time with sex and it’s never an option. We do not spend enough time away from the baby together. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do? Since your wife is not interested in sex, do you just deal with it on your own? Did you all do therapy? |
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Post by toughtiger on Oct 13, 2023 9:33:17 GMT -5
1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? 2. Could I be the problem? 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? YES you are in a sexless marriage. WE have all examined the whys to death ...... how do you feel about asking him these questions....? I know sometimes reading or sharing anywhere makes it more depressing there seems to be a "divorce and leave" crowd/ some that may do outside things which is not for everyone and people who go through therapy or many versions of resets hoping they last... Only you know your limit.... you love him but in time that can change when this goes on and on ......... SOONER in tackling the talk and figuring out if there is any future as time drags on anger builds. IMO |
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Post by aquacat on Oct 13, 2023 11:31:11 GMT -5
I have read several articles, and this was many years ago, that say studies show a man's testosterone levels drop after having a child and they slowly start to go back up as the child gets older. Not giving him an excuse at all but that could be one thing; his hormone levels. I'm the higher libido in my marriage and think my wife is asexual because even when we first got married (should have seen this red flag back then) she really wasn't into sex a lot and her doing oral sex dropped right after we got married. She's told me time and time again she has sex with me because it's something I need. Do you and your husband do anything intimately outside of sex? Do you both do a date night or spend any time together without your baby? I’ve asked about the hormones and even said we should have them checked together, he says he has blood work at his annuals and everything is good there. I’m not sure how true that is. I am and have always been higher libido and I know that about our relationship. I’ve stopped asking for physical intimacy because he says it adds stress and then in turn makes it harder for him to perform. I am an avid tennis player, so we play together some and we do go on dates which are fun and sometimes intimate, but at the end I want to have sex! Like I want to close out this great time with sex and it’s never an option. We do not spend enough time away from the baby together. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do? Since your wife is not interested in sex, do you just deal with it on your own? Did you all do therapy? I end up just taking care of my needs on my own. I'm feel stuck because I know leaving will financially devastate me and we do have kids, though they are both in the teenager/pre-teen phase. We tried marriage counseling many many years ago and the person we went to just kept dragging out our sessions which was costing a lot, so I don't put a lot into therapy as my own tries with it have gone nowhere. Your husband says he gets bloodwork done as part of his yearly physical. Unless he or his doctor specifically asks for it, testosterone and the related hormones are not a part of the typical blood work done for a physical. I am on testosterone treatment which I think is a curse sometimes because my libido was quite high before, which the doctors don't understand, but my mood has been low which is why I do take it. I like how I feel overall on it despite my libido. I've asked my wife to get hers checked and she said they are normal. I'm sorry you are going through this. Like others have said, this is the club that no one wants to be a member of. I still find it baffling that there are guys out there who don't want sex with their wives. It's something I will never understand personally. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 13, 2023 12:25:54 GMT -5
My husband (M42) and I (F30) have been together for 6 years, married for 2. The year we got engaged our sex stopped [...]So then I tried to initiate and there was always an excuse, headache, too stressed (he works in why could be considered an emotionalaly draining profession). he had an “emotional relationship” with a younger girl who he shared “only” a kiss with. [...] 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? 2. Could I be the problem? 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? 1. A rut? No. Sex dropped when you got engaged, and then again when you had a baby. Think about when you bought a house or moved as well. All of those are external markers of investment in the relationship. It's most likely is he did not want to get married to you or wasn't ready. Having sex with you would emblemize the trapped feeling he has. This pattern tracks closely with what happened in my marriage. Clearly if he had an affair (another emblem of escape), he has a libido and a capacity to attach it to a romantic investment in a person. 2. Could you be the problem? Impossible to know - nobody is perfect, but it sounds like there is a before and after centered on the engagement. What changed was likely the engagement. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, per se. You don't get married to everyone you love. Could his job be the problem? Unlikely - it's just as legitimate a response for someone in a stressful situation or job to WANT MORE sex with his partner - as something wonderful and free and replenishing. Look, you are in the same marriage and household as him, and you want sex. 3. Baby? Man? I don't think it's all that helpful to focus on gender and baby. There are all kinds of men who want sex with their wives after they have a baby, and are denied. I think it's more likely helpful to look at what having a baby represents in your relationship and with his life. And also, obviously, you mentioned yourself - sex went off before the baby arrived. The decline started with engagement. You two are pretty young, so I don't want this to sound hopeless - but I think this really is fixed around whether or not he wants to be married (to you, or at all). Lots of people have a wedding, but after those weddings, not all partners actually JOIN THE MARRIAGE. As I explained to people who asked about my divorce, it's very hard to be married to a single woman. It sounds like you are married to a single man. Like he has not actually joined the marriage, and maybe is fighting it or sabotaging it in different ways, rather than leaning into it. How does that hit you. |
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Post by celine on Oct 13, 2023 14:48:05 GMT -5
My husband (M42) and I (F30) have been together for 6 years, married for 2. The year we got engaged our sex stopped [...]So then I tried to initiate and there was always an excuse, headache, too stressed (he works in why could be considered an emotionalaly draining profession). he had an “emotional relationship” with a younger girl who he shared “only” a kiss with. [...] 1. Could this just be a rut? Does it get better? Any tips on where to start? 2. Could I be the problem? 3. What causes a man to not want to be intimate after a baby? 1. A rut? No. Sex dropped when you got engaged, and then again when you had a baby. Think about when you bought a house or moved as well. All of those are external markers of investment in the relationship. It's most likely is he did not want to get married to you or wasn't ready. Having sex with you would emblemize the trapped feeling he has. This pattern tracks closely with what happened in my marriage. Clearly if he had an affair (another emblem of escape), he has a libido and a capacity to attach it to a romantic investment in a person. 2. Could you be the problem? Impossible to know - nobody is perfect, but it sounds like there is a before and after centered on the engagement. What changed was likely the engagement. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, per se. You don't get married to everyone you love. Could his job be the problem? Unlikely - it's just as legitimate a response for someone in a stressful situation or job to WANT MORE sex with his partner - as something wonderful and free and replenishing. Look, you are in the same marriage and household as him, and you want sex. 3. Baby? Man? I don't think it's all that helpful to focus on gender and baby. There are all kinds of men who want sex with their wives after they have a baby, and are denied. I think it's more likely helpful to look at what having a baby represents in your relationship and with his life. And also, obviously, you mentioned yourself - sex went off before the baby arrived. The decline started with engagement. You two are pretty young, so I don't want this to sound hopeless - but I think this really is fixed around whether or not he wants to be married (to you, or at all). Lots of people have a wedding, but after those weddings, not all partners actually JOIN THE MARRIAGE. As I explained to people who asked about my divorce, it's very hard to be married to a single woman. It sounds like you are married to a single man. Like he has not actually joined the marriage, and maybe is fighting it or sabotaging it in different ways, rather than leaning into it. How does that hit you. Thank you! This is all very eye opening. I am really afraid of the answer to the question : Do you want to be married. I know he will say that he does want to be married, but I don’t know if he will mean it. This is all just such a shitty situation, one that I would have never imagined for myself. How long before you got divorced? Did you wife want to not be married? Have you met someone else? Ugh. I just feel so lost. |
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diode
Junior Member
Posts: 78 
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Post by diode on Oct 13, 2023 20:52:56 GMT -5
Welcome, celine . A term you might want to search is "Madonna Whore Complex." In a nutshell, some men have a psychological problem that causes them to see their wives as tainted after they have a child. Keep in mind, if this is the issue, this is his problem to deal with. Your issue to deal with is him. You need to decide what your limits are, and how long you are willing to wait for him to get his act together. Nah, Freud did well on defense mechanisms but poorly on most else. Low libido persons seem OK with new love/novelty (same is true of many 70/30 bisexuals). Good luck after that...BTW, the threat of abandonment often works as well as novelty. Threat gone...boner/pussy-juice gone. |
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