|
|
Post by saxappeal on Mar 31, 2016 16:51:06 GMT -5
I do not consider my outsourcing as paying a price, I guess that's because I know it is more than outsourcing and we both need a future together...... Go with it!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 31, 2016 18:36:17 GMT -5
I don't do any form of outsourcing. But I'm weary of men. I can't tell when someone is flirting with me. theres this funny look on their faces because I can't tell.
a lot of people think i'm innocent, or trying to be coy. Others think I'm virginal. Between 3 kidz with autism and my husband cutting off a lot of my outside sources to socialize - I'm awkward. I don't know how to socialize in real life very well. I'm shyer now than when I was a teenager.
|
|
|
|
Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 31, 2016 19:38:08 GMT -5
I'm out of my SM. I never outsourced, but last summer I met up with an EP/ILIASM friend. We both expected it to be a nightmare, after both having been sexless for 10+ years each. It went way better than we could have ever hoped. Some SM ghosts, but they weren't awful. My fear is if this doesn't work out in the end, and I find someone who has never had an SM. I think without the mutual understanding, being with someone new would be more difficult, initially. How do I talk about it? Do I talk about it? What other SM ghosts would appear?
|
|
|
|
Post by smilin61 on Mar 31, 2016 22:05:36 GMT -5
Apart from the customary and familiar pains of deprivation and rejection within the marriage, enforced marital abstinence can impact life outside of the marriage. Some of the more "interesting" prices that I've paid stemmed from disclosure of my chronic inactivity. Basically, more time has passed since my last intimate adult encounter than had passed between my birth and puberty (the irony is striking, isn't it?!). My first real indication of social damage arose from a discussion that I'd entered with someone online. She got comfortable quite quickly and asked to swap pictures (nothing revealing, just regular pictures). For whatever reason, she liked the pic that I sent and became quite sexual in her communication. Instead of responding in a manner appropriate to the situation, I got stage fright and dodged the issue. I tried to recover and managed to cobble the situation back together. But, I now knew that I was no longer normal. As time grew near to meeting in person, she was pretty open about what I could expect from her physically, and she re quired the same from openness from me. So I disclosed my past and was candid about the anticipated short-term consequences: 1) I might be awkward and clumsy 2) I might be shy, perhaps expecting to absorb a push or punch (I had been trained not to initiate) 3) even light contact might be too intense Strangely, I had been optimistic about getting an understanding and patient reaction. Instead, I got ghosted. I chalked her reaction up as an unlucky setback. However, this turned into a pattern, as subsequent disclosures provoked similar reactions. I can't imagine that anyone who would shun you for being honest is worth one second of your time. Especially knowing that your feelings are based on being subject to neglect. Honesty and empathy should be -at the very least- the starting point for any friendship/relationship. This "price" is not one anyone should have to pay. (I think that living with my own SM has made me a bit of a bitch. LOL.) |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 1, 2016 1:57:42 GMT -5
Well... one perspective is that she was looking for a simple FWB and you appeared to be traveling with too much baggage. Perhaps you are taking the caveats too far, or perhaps it's the nature of where you're meeting candidates.
As an alternative, if you are finding so many false starts trying to be overly transparent, perhaps you are trying too hard. Maybe the next round, dial it back a lot and see how it actually goes. Maybe it crashes and burns as you "knew" it would; or, maybe you're not quite as damaged as you think, and it'll be like riding a bike again.
I'm confident that I have many learned behaviors to unlearn, mostly around not expressing affection. But I'm also confident that it's something that can be discussed at the time, instead of posting a Surgeon General's warning.
Just my two cents.
DC
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Apr 1, 2016 7:57:13 GMT -5
I do. For me it's more the lack of confidence I have developed. Not about women specifically but in interactions in general. (side note: All of you people are great. I really enjoy the open and frank discussions and support. I am very glad I found this place and You - yes YOU- every single one of you! )
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 1, 2016 9:11:29 GMT -5
Who else from a sexless marriage has paid a price outside of the marriage? I've thought and thought about your post before replying. I do think that most of us are paying a price in ways that extend far outside the marriage. For me, there was depression and a withdrawing into myself. I lost contact with friends and family, stopped doing many of the things I loved, lost myself in many ways. Leaving my marriage has been like slowly waking up, but I know there will be issues with dating/intimacy going forward. I am so hyper-sensitive to any type of rejection it's crazy. I met someone on ILIASM on EP and we had planned to meet. Then before it could happen, he met someone where he lives and our "date" was off. It was so painful - and no amount of logic helped. I knew I should be happy that he met someone (and actually I was), knew a long distance thing probably wouldn't have worked out anyway, knew that it was possible there wouldn't even be any "sparks" when we met IRL, but it still felt like a rejection even though it really wasn't. I ended up feeling so awkward, I just stopped communicating with him, even though he wanted to still be friends. And this is a man who knows exactly what all of us feel like, because he's one of us. What would that be like with someone who doesn't understand our issues around rejection? At least this man understood why I felt the way I did. I think living in a SM hurts all of us in ways that radiate outside our marriages. Healing is going to take time and hard work. |
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Apr 1, 2016 17:29:18 GMT -5
Bear in mind...
Most of us arrive here believing we're alone in our fate - who in their right mind would refuse sex? There must be something wrong with us.
Now put yourself in the shoes of someone who's never experienced a sexless relationship. Who in their right mind would refuse sex? There must be something wrong with this guy.
The general public is not savvy on the subject - less so than when we arrived here ourselves. So, a little ambiguity may be in order lest they get scared off by their own ignorance, even if they are genuinely good people who would make excellent partners. I'm not suggesting bait & switch, but more like "my wife and I haven't had an intimate relationship for years, so I may need to ease into a new relationship" as opposed to "my wife hates sex with me, I'm scarred from it, and you'll need to deal with damaged goods".
|
|
|
|
Post by TMD on Apr 1, 2016 22:25:18 GMT -5
I arrived at a crossroads when I was able to acknowledge that I had hit rock bottom (seriously considered suicide -- a first for me, and it scared me into some deep introspection). I googled, like most of us here, "how can i fix my sexless marriage." The results pointed in two directions: an outsourcing hook up site and Experience Project. I explored both.
I met 4 men, all of whom knew that I was coming from a sexless marriage. 2/4 were also in SMs. 1 single and just out for a good time, and the last one was wanting to explore his naughty side (hahahaha, that really was his explanation - he was divorced - maybe hooking up with married woman is "naughty?"). I explained to all of them that I can be quite shy at first, I call myself, "skittish." I was wooed by the single guy out for a good time. We hooked up a few times. That ended quickly.
And then I met my AP, who is also married. We "get it" and have some fun rules, like we always kiss at the door when meeting, and we kiss before falling asleep.
So the price was probably an extreme lack of self confidence and some awkwardness.
It didn't, however, take long to shake off the cobwebs. Just like jumping back into the saddle.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2016 19:00:18 GMT -5
"Apart from the customary and familiar pains of deprivation and rejection within the marriage, enforced marital abstinence can impact life outside of the marriage.Some of the more "interesting" prices that I've paid stemmed from disclosure of my chronic inactivity. Basically, more time has passed since my last intimate adult encounter than had passed between my birth and puberty (the irony is striking, isn't it?!)"When this happened to me I coined a word to describe it.... "REVIRGIN" a Revirgin is someone for whom more years have passed since their last sexual enounter than had passed between their birth and their first sexual encounter. This makes me a Revirgin for 6 years (started having sex at 15 last had sex 21 years ago) |
|
mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88 
|
Post by mathdoll on Apr 4, 2016 15:33:58 GMT -5
Wow. That feeling of being 'damaged goods' is so familiar.
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Apr 15, 2016 14:15:03 GMT -5
Wow. That feeling of being 'damaged goods' is so familiar. I know. It is sad that we "high libido" people are made to feel we are wrong. When did sex and desire become bad? You are wonderful and strong mathdoll. Don't let them tell you otherwise. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 9:19:48 GMT -5
My fear is if this doesn't work out in the end, and I find someone who has never had an SM. I think without the mutual understanding, being with someone new would be more difficult, initially. How do I talk about it? Do I talk about it? What other SM ghosts would appear? [/quote]
I don't think you have to tell someone you are
dating or having sex with about the SM thing early
on. If things progress with that relationship
then more can be revealed. It doesn't have
to be a huge pouring your heart and soul out
though. However with our new partners whenever
that day will come, if there's a sign of habitual refusal
then cards layed on the table because nobody
is getting any younger and nobody needs to
waste anyone's time.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 10:43:37 GMT -5
My fear is if this doesn't work out in the end, and I find someone who has never had an SM. I think without the mutual understanding, being with someone new would be more difficult, initially. How do I talk about it? Do I talk about it? What other SM ghosts would appear? I don't think you have to tell someone you are dating or having sex with about the SM thing early on. If things progress with that relationship then more can be revealed. It doesn't have to be a huge pouring your heart and soul out though. However with our new partners whenever that day will come, if there's a sign of habitual refusal then cards layed on the table because nobody is getting any younger and nobody needs to waste anyone's time. You've raised some interesting points. But I had worries about withholding the information, so I felt compelled to declare my prior SM when seeking FWB's. Simply stated, male equipment often requires special handling after excessive periods of disuse. Plus, I had previously been systematically trained to expect a push or punch in response to most anything resembling an affectionate posture. As I figured that it would take me a few days/tries to regain normal behavior in a sexual context, I had two main worries: 1) That a new FWB would give up on me immediately after encountering my initial case of nerves. 2) That a new FWB might feel responsible for making me jumpy and awkward, not realizing that this was something that I expected but also expected to get under control. As it turned out, my prospective FWB's buggered off at the disclosure. From a purely selfish sexual standpoint, I would have been better off scaring off one or two new FWB's off with bad technique, essentially using them as practice runs for the next one to come along. But, I couldn't seem to bear the thought of treating someone like a flight simulator. Basically, not having sex throughout my marriage was not my fault. Not having sex after the marital reigns were relaxed has largely been my fault. [/quote] Sorry the FWB thing did not work out but when I was talking about not giving full disclosure I was referring to someone that I would potentially be dating. My FWB is also in a SM and we were up front in the beginning about our situations. Bottom line people are givers or takers, like sex or don't, best sex is two people that are unselfish and giving. Again with a FWB situation it's trial and error because that relationship has one purpose. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Apr 16, 2016 11:13:41 GMT -5
Sorry the FWB thing did not work out but when I was talking about not giving full disclosure I was referring to someone that I would potentially be dating. My FWB is also in a SM and we were up front in the beginning about our situations. Bottom line people are givers or takers, like sex or don't, best sex is two people that are unselfish and giving. Again with a FWB situation it's trial and error because that relationship has one purpose. You're correct again. I suppose, though, that I was thinking of the FB relationship as having one purpose, whereas, I had been leaning more toward a FWB-type of situation. But, the lines would have been blurry in any event. At the time that I was exploring this, I really had little insight into the idea that there were many (or even any) like me out there. I certainly didn't have any notion that I might be able to find I never expected to find a man that was in a SM and honestly I think it was luck of the draw and I still think that karma played a role because I was in such a shitty marriage not just sex so many other issues. I was lucky to find the right AP for me. What I do know is this whole SM thing is not just about sex. It's really about Love Languages. And all of us wanting to be Loved. Bottom line my love language is physical touch for me to feel loved which is different from being desired. My FWB makes me feel desired and I enjoy it but there are not emotions there. I can't love someone with a wife. FWB makes me happy and it works. Find your happiness! |
|
