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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 5, 2023 15:44:34 GMT -5
What good is a talk and a quiz after 15 years of no sex? Unless it's a quiz to evaluate her mental status, that's pretty useless. Because she has to be a bit mental to torment you by sleeping naked next to you every night, knowing one of you wants sex. That's some cold shit, and it would appear that's how SHE gets off. It took me less than a year of being friend-zoned to start sleeping in another room, not just to prove my position, but because I simply couldn't stand being that close to someone who didn't desire me. I might as well have been going over to my neighbor's house and sleeping next to her every night and then going my separate way in the morning. It was bullshit. And why, after 15 years, are you still going downstairs and crying at night? 15 years? If you aren't leaving, I suggest going downstairs and rubbing one out to Pornhub and put the Kleenex to better use. Just do something for yourself. And give your W an "F" for that bullshit quiz that proved that she likes it when you do all the chores. Great quiz, that. It's the one regret I have is that I didn't make a bigger deal of it when the frequency started declining. There was always something going on and I thought maybe it was me... even lost 40lbs at one point (that I've kept off). Even then I held onto the hope that her libido would return. I'm not sure her plumbing even works now. I still have to have "the" talk still and since I'm someone that avoids conflict I dread it. It very likely would have had no bearing on your current status if you had "the talk" on the 5th year or the 10th. I suspect deep down you know this. Either way, you can have "the talk" at any point. One's desire doesn't come with a warranty that expires. There really is no point in having a talk with someone who has pretended for 15 years, who sleeps naked next to you proving, at best, she doesn't have an iota of common sense or at the very worst, is doing it to make you more miserable. |
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 5, 2023 15:49:22 GMT -5
ApocryphaI'm pretty sure before my marriage went into a 10 year drought, I was not that bothered about sex or even intimacy; but it happened just about enough to be, well "normal" and in the glow afterwards we always agreed we should do it more often, but we didn't (did I mention that we had 4 kids and 2 busy careers). Then the missus went into peri/menopause and that seemed a good enough excuse and then it NEVER recovered. Took me a long time to be bothered but now she is completely over it; sex that is. I feel more pissed off about the denial of my "rights" than the absence of sex itself, I guess I feel emasculated. Still fancy her something rotten which I guess is good after 30 years of marriage and us being in our 60's. So what am I trying to say? I suspect I am more upset about being denied than I am about the absence of intimacy/sex. All work in progress, thanks for listening.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 5, 2023 16:31:48 GMT -5
Everything else is good in my life, kids are doing well, I have a successful career, I think I'm relatively attractive but this one missing piece and I feel like a complete failure as a man. When i first discovered ILIASM back in 2016 I had much of the same story. I remember being informed/enlightened by others who had already gone through a SM. I was told " The day your youngest child is 18 yrs. old your wife is going to discard you like a dirty diaper". Well, after my 'awakening" and getting my self confidence, control and power back, the marriage ended 3 yrs. sooner than that. It's a common theme among most sexless marriages, the victim says /thinks " everything is great except the sex". Then as the layers of the onion are peeled back they discover " things aren't oh so great in many other parts of my relationship." Keep moving forward my friend!! |
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 5, 2023 16:37:08 GMT -5
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 5, 2023 16:55:11 GMT -5
m76 sounds like she is just stringing you along that "maybe" keeps you thinking you can revive her.... I honestly do not get how these folks do not miss all that is involved the connection the sex itself the cuddling after etc.... we want to believe it is a phase or something next thing we know 1,2 or 10 years pass.... we want kids to have a stable home and see parents not step parents and all that involves but in the end kids know .... you cannot fake it and they see marriage as miserable. Each time they even for a short period act like they will change we procrastinate a bit longer etc..... SO sad there are so many of us out there.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 5, 2023 18:14:53 GMT -5
Where it came to a head was when we recently took a trip with just the two of us for a week. There was literally nothing preventing us from having sex, no kids, we were having fun, I suggested one night that we could have sex, she just said maybe, rolled over and went to sleep. I rest my case. |
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Post by heelots on Sept 5, 2023 19:20:51 GMT -5
ApocryphaI'm pretty sure before my marriage went into a 10 year drought, I was not that bothered about sex or even intimacy; but it happened just about enough to be, well "normal" and in the glow afterwards we always agreed we should do it more often, but we didn't (did I mention that we had 4 kids and 2 busy careers). Then the missus went into peri/menopause and that seemed a good enough excuse and then it NEVER recovered. Took me a long time to be bothered but now she is completely over it; sex that is. I feel more pissed off about the denial of my "rights" than the absence of sex itself, I guess I feel emasculated. Still fancy her something rotten which I guess is good after 30 years of marriage and us being in our 60's. So what am I trying to say? I suspect I am more upset about being denied than I am about the absence of intimacy/sex. All work in progress, thanks for listening. At this point you really have two choices unless you count outsourcing/cheating as an option. Stay married to her and consider her a roommate with no benefits, or divorce her. I am 60 and finances dictated making mine a roommate. Once I did that it made things much easier. I just really don't give a shit about anything anymore. |
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Post by heelots on Sept 5, 2023 19:25:39 GMT -5
Where it came to a head was when we recently took a trip with just the two of us for a week. There was literally nothing preventing us from having sex, no kids, we were having fun, I suggested one night that we could have sex, she just said maybe, rolled over and went to sleep. I rest my case. Once you make them a roommate, you never again ask that question again or even consider it. Mine has been a roommate so long thoughts like that never ever cross my mind anymore. |
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Post by h on Sept 5, 2023 20:05:50 GMT -5
I would accept that she's never going to desire you and never expect sex to ever happen again. My wife almost never sleeps unclothed but will on extremely hot nights. I just learned not to look. Her state of dress or undress no longer interests me because I no longer feel any kind of physical attraction to her. Her repeated rejections have conditioned me not to view her as a viable sexual partner. Giving up hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 5, 2023 20:41:14 GMT -5
I would accept that she's never going to desire you and never expect sex to ever happen again. My wife almost never sleeps unclothed but will on extremely hot nights. I just learned not to look. Her state of dress or undress no longer interests me because I no longer feel any kind of physical attraction to her. Her repeated rejections have conditioned me not to view her as a viable sexual partner. Giving up hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity. Happy Birthday Sir!! Hmmm. I think it was... 16 yrs. for me ( sex once a year for 13 yrs and then 3 1/2 yrs. of nothing.) Actions do speak louder than words, however, once I knew that the legal battle was right around the corner, words become actions! How? By having "the talk" it eliminates most any form of speculation or guessing. When I asked for once a week and was flat out told "I don't think I will ever be ready for that" I might as well have recorded it ( it's recorded in my brain! LOL!) or ask her to sign a written contract. her words were then repeated and used against her when It came time for defending myself to the kids, family, neighbors, friends, co workers, counselors, attorneys, etc.... In fact , now it's part of my testimony, as I continue my healing journey. Getting it right in their face and narrowing it down to a " yes or no", eliminates false hope. ( yes ,it can be devastating to hear it..but after 15-16 yrs. you're mostly ready for it!) This applied to more than just the sex, spending/hiding of $$$ power and control over the children...etc... Collaborating before going into collaboration ( which was a waste of time and $$$- story posted years ago!) Giving up hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity. You are correct! Another way to reword that is, No longer Giving into false hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity.
Giving up takes courage and shows strength and intelligence, it even shows compassion for the other person!
Healing in the future will require trusting in hope again with someone else. |
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Post by h on Sept 5, 2023 20:48:05 GMT -5
I would accept that she's never going to desire you and never expect sex to ever happen again. My wife almost never sleeps unclothed but will on extremely hot nights. I just learned not to look. Her state of dress or undress no longer interests me because I no longer feel any kind of physical attraction to her. Her repeated rejections have conditioned me not to view her as a viable sexual partner. Giving up hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity. Happy Birthday Sir!! Hmmm. I think it was... 16 yrs. for me ( sex once a year for 13 yrs and then 3 1/2 yrs. of nothing.) Actions do speak louder than words, however, once I knew that the legal battle was right around the corner, words become actions! How? By having "the talk" it eliminates most any form of speculation or guessing. When I asked for once a week and was flat out told "I don't think I will ever be ready for that" I might as well have recorded it ( it's recorded in my brain! LOL!) or ask her to sign a written contract. her words were then repeated and used against her when It came time for defending myself to the kids, family, neighbors, friends, co workers, counselors, attorneys, etc.... In fact , now it's part of my testimony, as I continue my healing journey. Getting it right in their face and narrowing it down to a " yes or no", eliminates false hope. ( yes ,it can be devastating to hear it..but after 15-16 yrs. you're mostly ready for it!) This applied to more than just the sex, spending/hiding of $$$ power and control over the children...etc... Collaborating before going into collaboration ( which was a waste of time and $$$- story posted years ago!)
Giving up hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity. You are correct! Another way to reword that is, No longer Giving into false hope was the best thing I ever could have done for my own sanity.
Healing in the future will require trusting in hope again with someone else.Thanks! The birthday was last week. We didn't do anything special and I worked that day so it was pretty boring. I don't make a fuss over it and long ago asked my wife to stop doing anything. We don't celebrate it anymore. Back around 2017 I told her that if I was never going to get what I really wanted for my birthday, I'd rather her not get me anything at all. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 5, 2023 21:04:54 GMT -5
Thanks! The birthday was last week. We didn't do anything special and I worked that day so it was pretty boring. I don't make a fuss over it and long ago asked my wife to stop doing anything. We don't celebrate it anymore. Back around 2017 I told her that if I was never going to get what I really wanted for my birthday, I'd rather her not get me anything at all. Getting off from the original thread here, my apologies! Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. I spent much of my day ( yesterday) dancing with friends,at a lovely restaurant, live band, on the beach, beautiful waves with 3 storms brewing in the distant Atlantic. I was invited to go swimming that evening, and go on another cruise this coming new years! Just two years ago ( on this date) I was at a nude beach ( for the first time) with my lovely woman at the time. Another year I took 3 of my kids out for an excursion of shark fishing and dinner. Things I would do for me, as a single man again! I have myself to blame for putting family first and myself last for 20 yrs. Receiving a small amount of satisfaction that I was doing/giving to others ( the 8 other members of the family) still a work in progress. I hope you did a little something for yourself on your Birthday? |
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Post by lessingham on Sept 6, 2023 4:35:18 GMT -5
I think we chase the ephemeral. If only our partners would reveal the reason. If only we could have the Talk. Every book, every youtuber ssy have the Talk. Communication is the key. The results are the same, no change. Women micro lie to get us off the subject, men retreat into silence.
It ain't never gonna change. We have three choices, suck it up, get a divorce or run around like a headless chicken until you flop over dead. Personally I am trying the headless chicken route and truthfully cannot recommend it
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Sept 6, 2023 9:00:53 GMT -5
I had my second counciling session today.
At this point her recommendation is to suggest my W go for sexual counciling. If she won't, then she says whatever I decide is ok since my kids are old enough to adapt and I have to do what's best for me.
She also made a point of telling me that things won't change on their own, I have to take action.
At this point, it's scary because one way or another in the next couple of weeks I'm going to be going through major life change.
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Post by h on Sept 6, 2023 13:58:26 GMT -5
Thanks! The birthday was last week. We didn't do anything special and I worked that day so it was pretty boring. I don't make a fuss over it and long ago asked my wife to stop doing anything. We don't celebrate it anymore. Back around 2017 I told her that if I was never going to get what I really wanted for my birthday, I'd rather her not get me anything at all. Getting off from the original thread here, my apologies! Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. I spent much of my day ( yesterday) dancing with friends,at a lovely restaurant, live band, on the beach, beautiful waves with 3 storms brewing in the distant Atlantic. I was invited to go swimming that evening, and go on another cruise this coming new years! Just two years ago ( on this date) I was at a nude beach ( for the first time) with my lovely woman at the time. Another year I took 3 of my kids out for an excursion of shark fishing and dinner. Things I would do for me, as a single man again! I have myself to blame for putting family first and myself last for 20 yrs. Receiving a small amount of satisfaction that I was doing/giving to others ( the 8 other members of the family) still a work in progress. I hope you did a little something for yourself on your Birthday? For myself? Nothing really special since it's routine: the obvious late-night solo session after the wife went to sleep. I did nothing different than any other day. I don't feel any desire to celebrate another trip around the sun, another year on this side of the grass. Maybe someday when I'm free I'll find a reason to celebrate but for now I just tolerate it. One day is no different than the last or the next. |
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