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Post by toughtiger on Oct 17, 2023 22:10:59 GMT -5
Resentment and hard feelings are setting in more. Last night she wanted to cuddle and told me that tonight she wanted me and her time which is her way of saying sex, as she can’t use the slang at all as it’s “improper”. She knows when she does that it gets my hopes up. Well tonight we are going to bed and she tells me her stomach is upset which I know means it won’t be happening. Sure enough she turns her lamp off and goes to sleep. 😡 I think i was always more disappointed when they elude to it may happen then develop ... an illness or my favorite "the dog needs me..." when it occaisionally happened before i would wake up think i would scoot over and he is not in bed .... tells me some story about dog needed out badly. |
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Post by h on Nov 8, 2023 13:47:25 GMT -5
Resentment and hard feelings are setting in more. Last night she wanted to cuddle and told me that tonight she wanted me and her time which is her way of saying sex, as she can’t use the slang at all as it’s “improper”. She knows when she does that it gets my hopes up. Well tonight we are going to bed and she tells me her stomach is upset which I know means it won’t be happening. Sure enough she turns her lamp off and goes to sleep. 😡 I stopped believing her hints about sex "later" a long time ago. If she hints about something that will happen in the future, I take it as a guarantee that nothing is going to happen. |
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Post by aquacat on Nov 14, 2023 14:02:22 GMT -5
She went out of town for a few days to take care of some things and this is the first time of her going away that I believe I don't miss her and was looking forward to having time to myself.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Nov 14, 2023 15:33:07 GMT -5
She went out of town for a few days to take care of some things and this is the first time of her going away that I believe I don't miss her and was looking forward to having time to myself. I felt like that too when the wife was away. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2023 11:04:05 GMT -5
"She went out of town for a few days to take care of some things and this is the first time of her going away that I believe I don't miss her and was looking forward to having time to myself."
I tested out how important being with my refuser was to me by suggesting that he take a 9-month sabbatical on another continent while I stayed in our house in Florida. I was so happy without him and never missed him. I had no problem living a happy life on my own. When he returned, I picked him up at the airport and felt no joy at seeing him. We went to dinner and we had little to say to each other. That should have been my proof that I wanted a divorce, but since I didn't find the predecessor to ILIASM, I wasn't privvy to the good advice here, including how important it is to talk to a lawyer before figuring out whether to divorce. I figured I'd have to stay married because I wouldn't be able to afford to divorce, but 2 years later, by chance I learned that I lived in a community property state and was entitled to half of our assets and debts. That's when I decided to file for divorce.
Divorce went through with no angst on either side. I've now been happily divorced and happily partnered with a great guy for 10 years.
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Post by aquacat on Nov 16, 2023 22:22:56 GMT -5
She’s back home and now I feel depressed. She accused me of having an attitude when I know I had not. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 20, 2023 21:59:36 GMT -5
How much of this is a caretaker's relief?
Of the people who enjoyed being alone, how many of us do the lion's share of homekeeping? How much does our day revolve around our refuser's needs?
I'm at 90% of household duties so when she leaves the house, all sorts of back burner stuff gets done.
I'd miss her after nine months, I'm pretty sure. But a week? Nah.
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Post by aquacat on Nov 26, 2023 22:32:16 GMT -5
I’m noticing something else about my marriage: my wife tries to shut me down when I get frustrated. I had something non sexual not go my way today and I got frustrated. My wife tried over and over telling me to not be frustrated as she said I sounded so angry. I told her it’s better for me to be able to show my emotions and get past this than to bottle it up. It really pissed me off that she kept trying to shut me down instead of letting me vent. I never once got angry at anyone in our house nor did I take anything out on anyone. All I did was just vent but not in a yelling or angry way. She knows this too. I ended up going into another room to be by myself as I figured out I had no one who would listen to me. She also has been more critical of me when I make a mistake as of late.
I really wish I had someone to talk to but I have no friends locally since we are new to the area still and even in our old part of the country I really didn’t have any friends I would call close. I feel so lonely even in my own house.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 27, 2023 6:20:02 GMT -5
I really wish I had someone to talk to but I have no friends locally since we are new to the area still and even in our old part of the country I really didn’t have any friends I would call close. I feel so lonely even in my own house. Time to take a new tack aquacat,...I would suggest you find yourself a new hobby or interest that enables you to meet new people and perhaps make some new friends. I suggest something like Meet Up or visiting your towns citizens center. These organizations have a myrid of activities that might be of interest to you. If you are not the hiking or exercise activity type of person most offer other things you might like. Things like card games (think Bridge or Majong). Get online to see what is offered in your area and if you see something you might like get off your butt and check it out. 2 things that offers you. An offortunity to meet new people and also to get away from your spouse for a few hours on a regular basis. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 27, 2023 6:58:00 GMT -5
I’m noticing something else about my marriage: my wife tries to shut me down when I get frustrated. I had something non sexual not go my way today and I got frustrated. My wife tried over and over telling me to not be frustrated as she said I sounded so angry. I told her it’s better for me to be able to show my emotions and get past this than to bottle it up. It really pissed me off that she kept trying to shut me down instead of letting me vent. I never once got angry at anyone in our house nor did I take anything out on anyone. All I did was just vent but not in a yelling or angry way. She knows this too. I ended up going into another room to be by myself as I figured out I had no one who would listen to me. She also has been more critical of me when I make a mistake as of late. I really wish I had someone to talk to but I have no friends locally since we are new to the area still and even in our old part of the country I really didn’t have any friends I would call close. I feel so lonely even in my own house. I'm curious whether Mrs. Aquacat has a past full of people who had anger management issues and she finds anger itself scarier than your average bear. The rush to calm can rile you and it's a more assertive/"masculine" reaction to that touchy-feely word "invalidation." Invalidation is a denial of feelings or a prohibition against them. Often it's referred to when someone is sad or anxious. Accusations of "overreacting" bring about self-doubt and condemnation. You, as a self-confident person, simply withdraw to allow yourself to let the moment pass and do not deny yourself what you feel, a common reaction to an uncooperative situation. Her invalidation of anger may be seated in fear or emotional trauma (minor or major) rather than any self-protection that others may be producing after having done something the partner dislikes. (in your case, not even your wife's fault). The anger itself may be "triggering". While the word has received great scorn, the damn thing exists and the approaches to people who are emotionally dysregulated out of control) will have varying degrees of success. You seem to be angling to have someone to vent to. That could take some time through worksforme2's suggestion. Can't just dump on your poker buddy after a few games and this moment likely passed within a day or even quickly. If there were a place to meet someone and just dump on them for twenty minutes... and they will tell you. "I hear ya, that sucks." (be sure to tell them if you want to brainstorm a problem, or just want to vent. A listener will do better knowing in advance) Sure, but how? A really stupid idea. Omegle or ChatRoulette. These are web sites that randomly videoconference you with strangers. Mostly dudes hoping to get naked with a woman, so you'll burn through twelve lonely dudes before getting someone to listen. In exchange, you'll hear about their day, listen to their bad song they wrote, suffer through some treacly poetry, or consent to look at their junk, if you're an excellent sport. (hey, no judging here.) If you're looking for a long term solution so you don't have to go over back story to provide context over and over. That is the therapist thing. A friend you can dump on for money. The poker/hiking group thing may eventually provide friends that can replace the therapist. Given your sexless marriage, building a life separate from, your spouse is an almost universal first step towards improving your situation so these are things you should get on regardless of the reason that triggers the need (not allowed to show anger around others) |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 7, 2023 9:02:23 GMT -5
Because my parents divorced and I hope to not continue that trend. I want my kids to see a happy couple. On the outside we are. On the inside the sex life for me is miserable. "I don’t want to divorce and be a failure" [/quote] I am gonna come across as a jerk but hear me out. Kids pick up on every minute detail of who we are as parents. Is role modeling a lifetime of internal unhappiness better? Is having them think that love and affection are not part of the equation for this legal transaction? My boy children noticed as they were in their teens.While they were trying to figure out relationships of their own, they looked at ours in a different way. Just something to consider. It also really got to me when i read your sentence on feeling like a failure. First of all if a marriage takes 2, wouldn’t that also make your spouse a failure? When were you taught that you weren't allowed to make mistakes? Are your kids allowed to make mistakes? How do you approach their perceived failures? Would you tell them they failed, when they obviously tried hard? Consider if you were parenting yourself, what would you tell you? |
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Post by aquacat on Dec 9, 2023 8:30:06 GMT -5
Because my parents divorced and I hope to not continue that trend. I want my kids to see a happy couple. On the outside we are. On the inside the sex life for me is miserable. "I don’t want to divorce and be a failure" You aren’t being a jerk at all! For me I would feel like a failure because I always told myself I would never repeat what my parents did. I would break what has been the norm in the world and not divorce. I don’t like failing and I get onto myself when I make a mistake. I do tell my kids that is it’s okay to make a mistake as long as you learn from it. I never tell them they failed at something as that would be so crushing to them. |
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Post by aquacat on Dec 17, 2023 8:16:30 GMT -5
Ugh. Why can’t she initiate?! Every now and then I’ll start to rub on her after snuggling, because she wants non sexual touch so this is giving her what she wants, and after a while she will just say go”go shut the door”. We’ve actually had arguments about this because I ask her why can’t she initiate and go shut the door herself, or even better why can’t she start rubbing and/or kissing on me?
We go to church. She knows marriage is important and that sex is important. We’ve even sat through a study on sex from a biblical view and she knows how important this is in a marriage.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 17, 2023 10:44:16 GMT -5
I don’t want to divorce and be a failure but I also don’t want to be in a pretty much celibate marriage either. Divorcing doesn't mean you are a failure. It's the marriage that failed, not you. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 17, 2023 10:48:52 GMT -5
Ugh. Why can’t she initiate?! Every now and then I’ll start to rub on her after snuggling, because she wants non sexual touch so this is giving her what she wants, and after a while she will just say go”go shut the door”. We’ve actually had arguments about this because I ask her why can’t she initiate and go shut the door herself, or even better why can’t she start rubbing and/or kissing on me? We go to church. She knows marriage is important and that sex is important. We’ve even sat through a study on sex from a biblical view and she knows how important this is in a marriage. Just because she knows that sex is impotant in a marriage doesn't mean she is going to be there for it. My X and i had a # of talks and she acknowledged she was at fault and that she had broken the marriage vows every time she refused for no good reason. But that didn't do anything to turn her back into a loving partner. |
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