|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 8, 2023 8:28:14 GMT -5
Welp. Go back and read all your post. Then reflect. Its all there in black and white. To put you out of your misery, Im going to cut to the chase. Your choices are stay, leave or cheat. Sounds like you are in the staying camp. Nothing wrong with that. But figure out what you are willing to live with and what not. The caveat is she gets to decide what she does with her body not you. Accepting starfish sex is on you. She is giving you, what she thinks you need. She has been clear she doesnt need or want it. In fact, she has been very honest with you that BJ's are disgusting to her. If someone doesnt enjoy steak, are you going to force them to eat steak so you can feel satisfied? its time for you to take some power back and make some decisions to move forward. Her disinterest in sex is not whats causing you grief despite the emotional convenience of perceiving it that way. Its your inability to see things for what they are and not making a decision to play the cards you have been given. You can keep prolonging your indecision but I wouldnt advise it. We had intercourse tonight and I almost am at tears now because she was just not into it. I have refused to initiate anymore because I get tired of rejection, so her way of initiating is her saying “are we doing it or not?” Why oh why can’t I just lose all sexual desire?? |
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 8, 2023 8:37:06 GMT -5
This might also be a useful reminder  |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 9, 2023 1:41:13 GMT -5
A couple of posts back Brother aquacat , you said that - "We are great roommates, just not lovers" If so, that (having a great room-mate) would be a huge step up for most of the membership. Usually members report their refusive spouse is not even much of a room-mate. So in so far as that goes, you are ahead of the pack. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Jun 9, 2023 9:10:52 GMT -5
We agree 99% of the time on parenting, and we happily cooperate with our finances and planning activities for our family. Sex/intimacy is the only issue in our marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on Jun 9, 2023 11:54:04 GMT -5
I try to ensure she does orgasm every time because I want her to feel good as well, and hopefully associate it with sex so that it reinforces that it's a good thing. It's 99% PIV because she says it's more intense than when I've done oral on her to orgasm. I've gotten her to orgasm by rubbing on her clitoris because she does not like my fingers anywhere inside. I offer oral because I actually really enjoy it and it gives me pleasure with doing that. I don't ever ask or expect her to reciprocate because I know she doesn't like it on me. I've suggested oral after but she would rather go straight to the bathroom right after. She's reluctantly kissed me after oral but I can see it in her face that it disgusts her, so I have to choose between wanting to kiss her or do oral, go clean up right after, and continue, which really kills the mood. She never has correlated the frequency of sex and it being with me. We are both religious and she knows that sex is something that is good and encouraged in a marriage. I'm trying not to have oral be a deal breaker for me, but the overall attitude about sex just adds to it. Unfortunately the cost of a divorce would be expensive for me because we have kids and because we've been married for so long and I make more than she does. Straight to the bathroom? Is that every time? She won't be interested, but maybe you will be: www.sparkchicagotherapy.com/blog/2019/5/20/peeing-immediately-after-sex-unlearning-this-sexual-health-myth-will-change-your-lifeIt would fit with the avoidance of finger penetration. Religious upbringing may be forming obsessive thoughts in her head. That's difficult to displace. The oral, clean up, then PIV sequence kills the mood. So it's no better after she's been gratified? Identical starfish? Would she consider taking turns. Oral on her, PIV that night or next day? Friday morning oral lets you start getting ready for work, which you were going to do anyway. Sex for you later, perhaps with a sense of gratitude for your generosity. You say she climaxes every time from PIV, this would be a twofer. Assuming climaxes are good. Some women find them exhausting and sometimes less is more. If divorce were cheap, would you be doing it? Is it expensive because you have savings that'll get halved? Or expensive because you make so little you'll struggle to even survive? Shout out to heelots on the latter. Does child support vanish after 18 in your state? 6 years of poverty may be okay. It's the alimony that's the gift that keeps on giving. If considering divorce, bear in mind the interim step of open marriage. (after consulting a lawyer to brace for impact!) You say she knows how important sex is to marriage. Does she? There are numerous accounts of chicken-shit refusers who want their refused spouse to divorce them or have an affair so they are not the "bad guy". Scheduling the opening of a marriage if certain minimum standards aren't met destroys that self-image. If they dislike the open marriage they can prevent it. If they choose to divorce, they might say you had an affair, but risk the truth getting out, that the "affair" was disclosed in advance, negotiable, and happened specifically because sex was less than ten times a year and always distant, tolerant starfish sex. (you can decide whether to explain that she hadn't given a BJ in 2/5/10 years) That isn't the look they're going for. You want a little investment in making you happy. You can't make someone love you, but you can ask them to figure out why they don't, and fix it. If they don't want to? Okay. Good to know. You say you've been to church counseling. What gets discussed? Are your concerns addressed? Or sidetracked? What are her concerns? Was counseling your idea? Would an outside counselor be an option? Maybe your church counselor is sympathetic to the religious cliché of sex being a necessary evil; a dirty, but unavoidable duty. That's hardly going to be the kind of facilitator who'll make rapid progress towards a good compromise of twice a week. Who is the counselor? How often have you been and what kind of progress got made? Marriage counseling has had a dubious track record here at ILIASM. You'll see praise for the approach of Dr. Psych Mom, who denies marriage counseling fixes dead bedrooms unless the counseling includes addressing teh sex and pushing towards a goal of more physical engagement. Emotional closeness does not produce physical closeness automatically and 50% of an answer is still an "F". ++++++++++++++++++++++ Dang Mirrororchid. Locating a timely article about peeing after sex. You are a resourceful one! |
|
|
|
Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 10, 2023 10:49:47 GMT -5
We agree 99% of the time on parenting, and we happily cooperate with our finances and planning activities for our family. Sex/intimacy is the only issue in our marriage. That's what we all say... Eventually though the kids grow up and the years fall away and what's left is your nearly dead libido, a huge emptiness inside you and the realization that you never made your needs important... oh wait that's me... It's always your choice to accept a situation. (Don't be offended, I couldn't do it) |
|
|
|
Post by tesseract on Jun 12, 2023 10:01:21 GMT -5
We agree 99% of the time on parenting, and we happily cooperate with our finances and planning activities for our family. Sex/intimacy is the only issue in our marriage. I feel like we have all said this at some point, but I think for most of us, its not true. Sex/intimacy is the canary in the coal mine. We can say everything is great except the sex and intimacy, but in a marriage thats great, sex/intimacy flows naturally (barring medical/hormonal issues). When the sex is gone, I think for most that means the core of the marriage is rotten, we just haven't accepted it yet. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Jun 23, 2023 7:25:12 GMT -5
So I've been doing some reading off an on about this the past several years and I'm really thinking she's asexual. She doesn't go solo, doesn't desire me or anyone else for that matter and I know for a fact she doesn't have anyone else on the side. She can watch a sex scene and it not affect her in any way whereas it will start to turn me on. She's told me several times she has sex because it's something I like and need. She has no need or desire for it.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 23, 2023 11:29:10 GMT -5
awuacat: It sounds like the sex you're getting is as good as it's going to get. You can not change her. You can decide whether you want to stay in your marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jun 25, 2023 14:13:40 GMT -5
So I've been doing some reading off an on about this the past several years and I'm really thinking she's asexual. She doesn't go solo, doesn't desire me or anyone else for that matter and I know for a fact she doesn't have anyone else on the side. She can watch a sex scene and it not affect her in any way whereas it will start to turn me on. She's told me several times she has sex because it's something I like and need. She has no need or desire for it. What is your evidence that she is asexual? Has she never wanted sex with you? If that's true, and sexual expression was important to you, why did you marry her? Or, did she somehow "become" asexual once she was married to you? Do you think that if you got divorced, that would be it for her? Relief in that she would never have to have sex with anyone again? Lots of people, me included, are unpleasantly surprised to find that our partner is suddenly sexually active or adventurous after a marriage is over. I've found that in many or most divorced couples, there is a period of profound disconnection that includes contempt and disgust for sex with that partner, in much the same way that you wouldn't want anyone you hate to touch you. That disconnection results in a "sexless" period in which people say "I thought I hated sex". And, therein lies the harsh truth at the core of most of these things - which is that the lack of sex (which itself is tough), comes downstream from another hurt - which is that you realize at some intuitive level that this absence is a true reflection of how she feels about you as a person, or about the marriage in general. It's tough to come home to that. You can point to the issue of oral, or the general state of anxiety with which she might treat her body or yours or sexual acts in general - it sounds like maybe she's up for PIV? But the gist I get on the whole is that you both are in the same marriage, but she regards sex with you as an expenditure or chore and you regard it - enthusiastically given - as something fulfilling and joyful. And now you've come to a point where you seem to realize she doesn't want it with you. Is there a way that, without judgment, and with sympathy for each other about what needs to be done as a next step, that you can agree on what the facts on the ground are? Authentically? |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Sept 28, 2023 21:43:18 GMT -5
My wife tried her version of initiation, which is her saying “want to do it?” Or some variation. She’s also been complaining of something she ate not agreeing with her so I told her no as she clearly was in pain. She then told me she would consider period sex as she’s about to start and I told her no that’s okay too. I mean I’ve always been open to sex during that time of the month but she’s flat out refused in the past. I guess I’ve reached that point to where I don’t want to with her anymore.
I honestly felt good. I started getting turned on at the thought of getting sex but my brain overruled.
|
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Sept 29, 2023 6:13:26 GMT -5
My wife tried her version of initiation, which is her saying “want to do it?” Or some variation. She’s also been complaining of something she ate not agreeing with her so I told her no as she clearly was in pain. She then told me she would consider period sex as she’s about to start and I told her no that’s okay too. I mean I’ve always been open to sex during that time of the month but she’s flat out refused in the past. I guess I’ve reached that point to where I don’t want to [be] with her anymore. I honestly felt good. I started getting turned on at the thought of getting sex but my brain overruled. So, where do you go from here? She's offered, kinda sorta. You have counter-refused. It mentally feels good but libido is a nemesis that can erode such resolve. Stay? Outsource? or leave? Counter-refusers can still outsource, but some of the righteousness has been removed by even the half-hearted initiation. Curious where your head is at. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Sept 29, 2023 8:25:29 GMT -5
My wife tried her version of initiation, which is her saying “want to do it?” Or some variation. She’s also been complaining of something she ate not agreeing with her so I told her no as she clearly was in pain. She then told me she would consider period sex as she’s about to start and I told her no that’s okay too. I mean I’ve always been open to sex during that time of the month but she’s flat out refused in the past. I guess I’ve reached that point to where I don’t want to [be] with her anymore. I honestly felt good. I started getting turned on at the thought of getting sex but my brain overruled. So, where do you go from here? She's offered, kinda sorta. You have counter-refused. It mentally feels good but libido is a nemesis that can erode such resolve. Stay? Outsource? or leave? Counter-refusers can still outsource, but some of the righteousness has been removed by even the half-hearted initiation. Curious where your head is at. I've thought about outsourcing but with how life is, and the fact that each of us can track where the other is in an emergency, she'd know. She would leave if I ever did that, just like I'd leave if she ever cheated. That, and I think I'd have a hard time separating the physical and emotional parts of sex, so my concern would be getting emotionally attached if I outsourced. I have no choice but to stay for financial reasons. I just have to accept that our marriage is one of convenience more than anything else. The financial hit will lessen quite a bit once my youngest is out on his own in about 8 years. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Sept 29, 2023 10:31:07 GMT -5
I've thought about outsourcing but with how life is, and the fact that each of us can track where the other is in an emergency, she'd know. She would leave if I ever did that, just like I'd leave if she ever cheated. That, and I think I'd have a hard time separating the physical and emotional parts of sex, so my concern would be getting emotionally attached if I outsourced. I have no choice but to stay for financial reasons. I just have to accept that our marriage is one of convenience more than anything else. The financial hit will lessen quite a bit once my youngest is out on his own in about 8 years. Would it be possible to take away the cheating aspect if you outsourced? I am talking about having a discussion with your W specifically about your having a FWB. You could point out to her the positive aspects of not having to deal with your constantly bothering her for sex. Ask her why she should be bothered by you outsoursing since she has no desire for intimacy with you. Who knows, since she told you to get a bj somewhere else, she migh consider your getting piv somewhere else also. If she is informed about your outsourcesing then it would not be cheating. It's worth a try. |
|
|
|
Post by aquacat on Oct 17, 2023 21:23:04 GMT -5
Resentment and hard feelings are setting in more. Last night she wanted to cuddle and told me that tonight she wanted me and her time which is her way of saying sex, as she can’t use the slang at all as it’s “improper”. She knows when she does that it gets my hopes up. Well tonight we are going to bed and she tells me her stomach is upset which I know means it won’t be happening. Sure enough she turns her lamp off and goes to sleep.
😡
|
|
We had intercourse tonight and I almost am at tears now because she was just not into it. I have refused to initiate anymore because I get tired of rejection, so her way of initiating is her saying “are we doing it or not?”
