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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 14, 2023 17:30:35 GMT -5
As to heelots and northstarmom, she likes to portray someone who is still capable of sexual um... desire? Not exactly the phrase I'm looking for there. Whether that's true or lip service I can't say. She "talks" about being a progressive Catholic, but much like feminism, what does that even mean now? Anymore saying that you're progressive (random thing here) just means that you like "some" of what it means, but you want to make up your own rules about how that pertains to you. I'm getting off topic here.
Back to what mirrorchild said, the covid stretch I can't remember if there was an argument that started it or not honestly. It's possible that she started that because of the fact that she didn't have to work for like 6 months but was still getting paid. (I could have the timeframe wrong there, it may have been less) There was also "A" different position during that time, but it was not done to be different, it was doggy so that I wouldn't breathe on her since I had to work straight through the whole thing. That was even the exact way she sold it too. So I don't know if you can really count that as a change.
Tone/yelling? not really. I actually usually royally piss her off during the argument phase because of how she frames it. I mean what exactly does she expect me to say when she's just telling me how horrible I am and that it's all my fault. (for those not versed in the whole thing, it's not stated that way directly but rather in gaslighting) So I don't actually say much if anything and that pisses her off. She makes it very clear while she's going on that it doesn't really matter how I feel about it so when she stops to say "Say something" I ask her what she wants me to say. In DSO-land that would almost sound like a "niceguy" thing, but it's actually because I know she's primed to turn anything I say against me so it's better to stare off into space.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 21, 2023 5:53:11 GMT -5
Phone reply again so I may miss points The sex/ argument part first. The arguments almost always occur with the same structure. Where she makes me out to be be horrible, it's my own fault, I don't do x,y,z, she's tried to initiate. Seldom is there accountability taken on her part and when there is, it's in the form of; I'll try "this", but you have to x,y,z. There doesn't seem to be any change in her reaction based on the length of time. As far as the work and her extra hours, I'm constantly dropping little bits in. Last night she was talking about the priests wanting to hire a cook for 15 hours a week, she thought she'd do that. Great but she was thinking they'd maybe add 15x$15 to her salary. Cool, but then she'd work 35 at 12x20 and another 15+at $15 so works out to $465 for 50+ hours a week. That's not really impressing upon the priests that she's worth paying more. That's just telling them that she's there whenever they want her. Get a teaching job at a different school, keep the cook job, quit the teacher job at Skinflint Academy. When they claim to be shocked, she can explain that they run a school, not a restaurant, they shouldn't pay their cooks more. I'm thinking multiple jobs is our future and having two part time gigs offers huge flexibility and leverage a full time job doesn't and won't. Short of cash, add another part time job. Quit it when you can, unless they outbid one of your other two jobs. Constant employer blackmail. *sigh* a man can dream. I'm a bit worried all the "overemployed" remote workers with multiple "fulltime" jobs are going to economically swamp me and I need to switch gears. COVID: Breathe on her? Check me on this, was she trying to socially distance from her husband? |
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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 21, 2023 18:56:56 GMT -5
Socially distance? Pretty much. I mean, too be fair, as I've stated she is overweight and became full diabetic with our second child so she was/ is in the high risk category. There were a few glimpses of participation I guess you could say in that time also so it was all quite disorienting really. She seemed a little more into it and during that time she accomplished something that has always been a fetish of mine and was tangible proof that she enjoyed it physically, but there was also not really any intimacy because there was no kissing etc.
As far as her employment as CCD coordinator (that's the title) she is also the wedding coordinator and has a wedding tomorrow. She gets paid a flat rate for those. Anyway, sometime following that I'm going to sit her down and see if she really understands how bad our financial situation is at the very least. Ask her if I need to continue looking for a third job and perhaps carry a sleeping bag around. (Because if I have a third job I'll likely have to sleep a few hours at a time wherever I'm at)
Before you had mentioned about college courses taking time away from us time but, us time may be forced out of the picture soon.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 24, 2023 5:50:48 GMT -5
Sorry to hear about the money issues.
Whether you stay, outsource, or leave, though. The prep is very similar, but a bit different for you.
Generally, you want to cultivate friendships, perhaps with work, or new social circles like Meetup interest groups, investing in the kids, plan where you'll live if you leave or she divorces you when you insist on no longer being nigh-celibate. (or having an engaged intimate partner).
Getting a third job doesn't just kill "us time", it may ne killing your "me time" and any time spent bonding with the young-uns. (a bond that can be badly hurt by divorce, so might be best to strengthen first.)
If you have any time to develop a life that's mildly pleasant, you can ask yourself if outsourcing or leaving is sufficiently preferable and pursue legal advice, because outsourcing may produce a need for that, even if it's disclosed outsourcing like mine was, rather than hidden. After you're ready for disaster, you can make the call... add a lover, or leave. (If staying and accepting your current conditions is a no-go.)
Lots happens between now, and then. But just acting on your unease is invigorating, more than one ILIASM member has found.
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Post by clarkjobe on Apr 25, 2023 22:31:27 GMT -5
"Generally, you want to cultivate friendships, perhaps with work"
That's part of my current problem. These conversations with you are about the only meaningful interactions I've had for years other than with "K", and I'm about to have even less of them. My choices seem to be "work on me" or "stay out of, or at least less in, debt" I just got done working from 6AM to 8:50PM and she asked me to pick up her prescriptions on the way home, which I couldn't because they were closed by the time I stopped working. When I got home she was telling me something about some person telling her we should have gone to some specific thing, honestly I was only half listening. In he story she said something about $100 a week on groceries and I scoffed a bit at that. 100 is maybe 1 in 5. She got defensive about how she's trying to be frugal to save money and I just nodded toward my computer screen where I had a couple different screens up looking for another job.
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