Hello people

Reading your run of posts Brother clarkjobe , it appears that the sexual aspect of your deal is just one of many issues evident in your ILIASM situation, and probably not even the main issue.

And, it looks like you are the only one trying to address the issue(s).
Your missus appears to actually be an impediment to your efforts.
Based solely on what you have written in your posts, she comes across as a selfish twat.

It is going to be a hell of a job to bring this situation to resolution.
I'm sure this is not news to you.

So much of life these days depends on "money" so that might be the place to start.

The escalation of your card debt is alarming, the fact that the card will max out soon is doublingly worrying.

Maybe you need to consult a financial advisor, lay your position on the table and see what advice you get.

If you were to get that financial issue under some sort of control, then you might be in a position to start working on the next thing.

The lack of sex issue is a looong way down the list I think.
Probably the least of your problems at this point.

Good on you for recognizing you are still paying for her car by taking up her share of other bills.

Any interest in examining your finances together?

My wife used to spend too much. That was a constant source of friction.
We would fix it briefly with something called "Operation Zero".

If we couldn't pay off a card one month, we would buy nothing but gas and groceries until the card was paid off and dead.
She'd grown up with parents that had constant credit card debt. My way of living was foreign to her.
She hated Operation Zero.
She stopped spending as much, but we were getting regular cash infusion from my well-to-do mother. (trying to dodge inheritance taxes.)
I explained I wanted to end each year flat broke, it didn't seem too much to ask.

Being in debt was enslavement. 
When she bought stuff and our balance was draining at a pace that meant we'd be in debt before the year was over, I explained, "Every time you spend money we don't have, you're telling me you don't want me around. You want me to leave teh house and earn more money so you can spend more and buy more."

I didn't drill it as far as I wanted.
You want money I can earn more than you want my time.
You'd rather have bullshit Chinese crap from Amazon than spending time with me.
You don't care that if I wanted to work less I couldn't. The money is already spent. I am the slave of the banks. I cannot stop working. 

My mantra that I would utter around the house was "Money, money, money. It's all I care about." and "I want to be RICH! I want so much fucking money you won't be able to spend it all."

And so I started a small business with the mindset of doing just that. I'd no longer be in danger of debt.
It made family life sparse and threadbare. No one was doing the white picket fence American dream. 
It was permanent servitude to materialism.
Yet, we kept doing it. My wife didn't seem to see it for the shitshow it was.

It is my strong suspicion that my wife bought things for the dopamine hit. She's clinically depressed and buying worthless crap from Amazon gave her a lift when she clicked "Buy" and another when it arrived.
The internet made enslavement of her husband easy. It made our marriage frustrating. Fuck you, Bezos.

I'd see packages that hadn't been opened now  and then. Our house is hopelessly cluttered with shit she didn't need, but bought anyway, unthinking.
The 21st century has delivered an unexpected challenge to life. Getting rid of stuff. I've discovered no one wants to spend any effort doing it. The house is perpetually messy.
We move crap from room to room, as if that helps anything. The shopping sprees have largely ended, for some reason (I have my guesses why), but birthdays and Christmas still add to the piles of belongings that have no shelf or bin to store then. The floor is thoroughly equipped with lots of storage space, but they are full to bursting.
So floors, tables and every surface get occupied. No reckoning occurs. Time is not spent making Marie Kondo decisions.

---

Well, that rant went on longer than it should've.

I guess I can ask, is your wife engaging in self-medication the way mine did? Temporary relief of depression with new crap she doesn't need?
Why is a newer car so irresistible that she never wants to be financially solvent and be able to just relax a bit?

As a totally unsolicited snooping inquiry, what other subscriptions do you have other than phones? Cable TV? 
Do you rent? A Mortgage?
Would moving to a smaller home with a longer commute make finances work?

This is very important because a maxed out card will force change if you don't do it on your timeline. The train of bankruptcy is coming down the track and you will scale back. It is impossible to live the lifestyle your wife is taking for herself with other people's (banks') money. 
every day you delay means two days you live in poverty, digging yourself out later.

12-13 hour days? How many of those per week? You may not have much to work with here.
You have some solid compatriots here at ILIASM. Finances are holding some members in their sexless marriages. 

In the event your wife cannot make herself live within means, you may need to make an escape plan for your own safety. Fixing finances while tethered together with her may be impossible. A divorce on paper may be the best way to help both of you, the vows to God and each other can stay put, but it lets you work on your side of poverty/destitution so only one of you gets ruined. If she hits rock bottom, you'll have the strength to help, if she forms a pattern of behavior that can plausibly succeed.

I'm well aware of how the math on these things. We've always had "more debt than I like" but not usually to a point that I felt it was out of control. It was a case of well maybe this month I only pay the minimum on this to allow more here, and then next month back to paying it down. That kind of thing. I had already been cutting down on "extras" anyway but last night after she needed the card again for more gas, and a 24mi bike ride (not even joking on that one), I canceled everything but internet (youngest is autistic and a tablet w/o internet would be a disaster)

I have a feeling I'm going to have to sit her down far sooner than I planned. She saw me cancel all these things and didn't really say much, let alone ask how bad it is. I did the math while I was riding and estimated an extra $1300 that I took on after we changed jobs, then when I got to work this morning and had the rest of the info I was missing, it' $1500 w/o counting incidentals like helping with gas, elect, etc. That's really the only things she's still paying is energy bill, water, and her car payment.

Gotta love the roller coaster, a few weeks ago I was starting to feel somewhat hopeful. Now...

It was about the sexlessness. I had been making little changes in my routine and demeanor and forcing myself to breakdown my crusty exterior little by little. Things like sitting with her after dinner instead of just on the same couch, an unrequested hug or two per day. Went back to sleeping naked which is something I had done since we got together except for on the coldest nights but for the past year I had been sleeping in sweats and a t-shirt to deter myself from trying to initiate intimacy.

On an unrelated note, that's one thing I used to try to convince her to do. Even if only on occasion I used to hope she would sleep naked too. That was one of the positives that came from my times dating C, we would go camping and after our "naughty fun time" we both slept naked. There was something about that contact that went beyond the connection of sex. Perhaps that's a large part of why I fell so far when C left me, I had created a bond (at least in my mind) far beyond what I should have at that age. That's something I'm trying to instill in my oldest right now without using the cliche phrases that I heard as a kid, that it's great that he's "learning" about relationships, but not to let himself become so wrapped up in one yet to lose himself in it.

I like your little word play there on solitaire, but no I have no immediate plans on addressing that part of the problem. My subtle changes do seem to have had some effect on her overall attitude and actions, but I have not seen anything to indicate that things have actually changed. There's been a few verbal quips that could be interpreted as a desire to engage, but those have always popped up every month or two and I think that whether intentionally or subconsciously she uses those to be able to insinuate at a later date that she's still interested in sex. Like during an argument.

The thing that usually precedes the sex is an argument brought on either by me bringing up the amount of time it's been since the last time, or I get careless and get caught taking matters into my own "hands". That in itself doesn't help in the fact that I feel like it's always pity sex since she never brings it up.

The only times she has mentioned sex is (and this is sometimes what pushes me over the edge) when she makes an off hand comment to a friend about it. I can't recall specifics but I remember one time when we were at another couple's house and our kids were playing, the discussion went to sex somehow, and she made comments that made it seem like we were just fine in that department, having regular sex. Even cracked off a couple jokes about it. When she did that I just excused myself and went outside, I can't remember if I was smoking at that time or not but I found some reason to not be a part of that conversation. Most recently, and this is what got me started down this current path, she was telling me about something her coworker told a class that she was teaching (remember they're Catholic) Anyway, her coworker told the class of women that "they should always sleep naked so that if their husband wants sex then they are ready." Now even I don't agree with the implied logic there, so I was just kind of playing along with being appalled because I kind of was, but at the same time thinking to myself "ya, if only". But then she throws out (my wife says to me that is) "What about the husband sleeping naked so they're ready when we're in the mood?" It was so hard for me to not say "I've slept naked for years until recently and in the last 15 years the only time you've 'been in the mood' you started it with saying 'I'm ovulating'" but instead I went to the basement and started a load of laundry. That was about a month ago perhaps.

The reaction to the slight increase in affection (hugs etc) has been positive, that's why I had started to feel hopeful. I could see the reciprocation in kind even if only in small ways. Just not in anyway that makes me think she'll be willing anytime soon.

As far as the solitaire, I have reduced my uh, card games, but not really for anything to do with our lack of sex but rather from being tired at the end of the day. I'd say it's probably still 1-3 times a week on average, but I'm not going to bring that up with her simply because it will lead to an argument right now, probably followed by pity sex for a week or two, then , well you know the drill.

It sounds sort of petty and childish perhaps but right now, if she actually initiates then game on. Otherwise I'm not going to even consider fighting that battle until we get finances and stress figured out. Right now I have a job that I enjoy but is tainted by the fact that even though I make more than I did, it's still not enough, and I may have to leave it for a job I will hate. I have a second job that's ok, but I struggle to fill the hours because fixing things costs money and at that second job they don't like to spend it. (That's kind of it's own story, I don't dislike that job but it really is hard to fix things when I can't get the materials to do it.)

She really needs to decide if it's worth being in the job she's in.

A short overview of the financial struggle that it is causing... She is salaried for 20 hours at $12/H but actually works 35+ and is afraid to stand up for herself to get more. She loves her job and doesn't mind doing the work even at that pay, but it's killing me as a result. She used to make 18/H at 40+ hours and I used to make 17/H at 40 hours. I'm now salaried at my primary job for approx 19+/H and 10 hours a week at $15/H at the second.

Phone reply again so I may miss points

The sex/ argument part first. The arguments almost always occur with the same structure. Where she makes me out to be be horrible, it's my own fault, I don't do x,y,z, she's tried to initiate. Seldom is there accountability taken on her part and when there is, it's in the form of; I'll try "this", but you have to x,y,z.

There doesn't seem to be any change in her reaction based on the length of time.

As far as the work and her extra hours, I'm constantly dropping little bits in.

Last night she was talking about the priests wanting to hire a cook for 15 hours a week, she thought she'd do that. Great but she was thinking they'd maybe add 15x$15 to her salary. Cool, but then she'd work 35 at 12x20 and another 15+at $15 so works out to $465 for 50+ hours a week. That's not really impressing upon the priests that she's worth paying more. That's just telling them that she's there whenever they want her.