Adult children and drug addiction

GC, my heart is with you as about 11 years ago, my older son-- the one whom I am estranged from -- got addicted to meth, lost his job, got Baker Acted and, after release from the hospital, was arrested for going into a deli and trying to rob it (fortunately without a weapon).

You are wise not to bail him out. We did not bail my son out nor did we help with his legal costs though we talked to his public defender. My son ended up staying in jail for 6 months. When he finally went before a judge, the time away from drugs allowed him to think clearly and when the judge offered him prison or rehab, he chose rehab. After he successfully completed the program, he had to have clean drug screens for 6 months and regularly participate in NA. He lived in a halfway house. He got a telemarketing job and broke their record for sales his first week. Since then, he has remained in the marketing field, got married to a woman who divorced her first husband due to his drug use, and would divorce my son if he goes back into drugs.

Unfortunately, my son also cut ties with his brother, his father, me, and other relatives, but at least he's alive and to my knowledge remains off drugs, and I am very grateful for that because at least he's alive and living a reasonably good life. I hope things work out for you and your son.

If you haven't discovered it, Alanon or NarAnon can be of great support to you. It really does help to be connected with others whose lives are affected by their loved one's drug or alcohol use.

PS Virtually every one I know who's a parent of more than one grown kids has had at least one who had drug, legal or mental illness trouble. People tend not to talk about this, but if you're open about what's going on with your child, you will be surprised how many people are having or had similar experiences. 

northstarmom said:
You are wise not to bail him out. We did not bail my son out nor did we help with his legal costs though we talked to his public defender. My son ended up staying in jail for 6 months. When he finally went before a judge, the time away from drugs allowed him to think clearly and when the judge offered him prison or rehab, he chose rehab. After he successfully completed the program, he had to have clean drug screens for 6 months and regularly participate in NA. He lived in a halfway house. He got a telemarketing job and broke their record for sales his first week. Since then, he has remained in the marketing field, got married to a woman who divorced her first husband due to his drug use, and would divorce my son if he goes back into drugs.

This is what I'm hoping for! I don't think it will be 6 months, but who knows what will happen? I believe rehab will be offered to us, due to his bipolar disorder.
I certainly would like to see regular drug screenings done.
I'm getting advice on how to handle "visits from friends at the house"and setting/enforcing those boundaries.

Yeesh, I always wanted kids, but somehow never got around to it.

Now I'm thinking that I maybe dodged a potential bullet or two :-\

GC: With empathy, I suggest that it was your son's job to contact the restaurant even if that meant sending a letter from jail. Empathy because when older son managed to finish first semester of college with a highest grade of D, the rest were Fs, with my approval my husband flew up to the college to meet with son and the dean. That did no good, BTW. Son flunked all courses second semester. In hindsight, we should have let son deal with things on his own.

Of great interest is whether it is a diagnosis of "Bipolar I" or Bipolar II"

BiPolar used to be called Manic Depressive disorder.
Poles...opposites. Not sure why you change names, but whatever.

Then some ignominious fool comes along and finds glum people who get extremely depressed and names that "BiPolar II"
There is no mania. They are not opposites. Just variance of the degree of the one pole. Depression

I mean to identify happy people who have bouts of mania and call it BiPolar III and double dog dare psychiatrists to tell me it's a stupid idea. I'll agree with them and suggest we go back to Manic Depression.

BP II used to be diagnosed as Dysthmia, "Double depression", and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), among others. 

Great point about drugs being a result of efforts to self-medicate. I'd imagine large amounts of drug use happen that way.

GC's son took cocaine. I hear tell cocaine can provide manic-type symptoms, maybe that weighed in?

Separating teh drug and alcohol use from mental illness is terribly important. Problem is, until the mental illness gets relieved, the drug use is going to be compelling. You can hash out difficult emotions and solve difficult problems over teh course for months....or.... take another does and forget about or dull the problems and emotions for a few hours/days. or, chronically, for an indeterminate time. It's easy to see why drug use is tempting. Given the expense of mental health assistance, drugs and alcohol are a dang sight cheaper, in the short term. Sometimes people get the mental health help they need when they run afoul of teh law. In some of those instances, I hear, convicts are expected to pay for their imprisonment, rehab, services. etcetera. 
You have a person with drug use and possible mental illness problems, now you saddle them with enormous legal and health bills? Color me skeptical that will work out well.

A nifty little quote from addiction circles that rings true, perhaps it is, s "The opposite of addiction is connection." Given people's preferences to avoid addicts of all kinds it becomes a challenge to provide that connection. AA and NA are good for that purpose. They can make friends who are understanding what the addict is going through when quitting, finding companionship of folks who will tolerate slip ups  and questionable behaviors. Comradery when they, themselves aren't great company.

Secular groups are out there if the religious reputation puts an addict off. Some AA/NA folks are more religious than others, os shopping around may be possible in some areas with multiple groups.

GC: "A letter from the circuit court arrived this weekend informing me that his end of the month court date has been cancelled and I will be provided a new court date upon the filling of of an information by the state Attorney's Office.

Who knows how long that may take? Others are advising me to be prepared for a "difficult time getting information on his condition and when it will be over with.That they want you to know as little as possible" I do better with this approach and focus on myself more everyday as this progresses. kind of like my dragged out divorce from the SM!"

Great idea to focus on yourself. When my son. was awaiting his court date, that was the best advice I got from the on-line support group that I joined that was for persons affected by others' drug use. They correctly pointed out that I didn't cause and couldn't control or cure my son's drug use and there literally was nothing I could do (FWIW, son also was incarcerated 3,000 miles away, and I had considered going at great expense to see him. ). I ended up focusing on the plays I was in, and shortly after son was released to in-patient addictions treatment (which once he got before a judge, he chose instead of incarceration), I was filing for divorce (It had nothing to do with son's addiction. My soon to be ex had been a great father).

Anyway, I have learned to, as is said in some groups for addicts families and friends say, "Let go and let God." It has not been an easy progress especially since after son went through treatment and got his life together he estranged himself from his father, brother, other relatives and me. But I've found that letting go with love has been the best way to live my life without the sky high anxiety that focusing on him brought to me.

As always, I wish you the best. Yours is a painful situation to be in.

Thanks for sharing your story!!  It's helpful to know that addictions and mental health problems are more common than we realize and that these things can be overcome with hard work and time.

Similar to overcoming the mental affects of years in a SM!