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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 9, 2023 14:47:17 GMT -5
mirrorchild said :
I hear, convicts are expected to pay for their imprisonment, rehab, services. etcetera.
You have a person with drug use and possible mental illness problems, now you saddle them with enormous legal and health bills? Color me skeptical that will work out well.
All those hundreds of little bags and scales in his room tells me he was dealing, My son has always been big on money ( earning it- not so much living a wealthy life style but using his strong desire to use his mind at handling finances) since the day I met him in China at 10 yrs. old he talked about having power through money.
I hope he can stay away from the 'dealing' part of drug addictions too. ( no charges on that part of it) I feel I will have a difficult time knowing who his friends are in the future. Are they here to help him, by using their past experience? or is their dealing going on?
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 9, 2023 15:03:23 GMT -5
GC: "I feel I will have a difficult time knowing who his friends are in the future. Are they here to help him, by using their past experience? or is their dealing going on?"
There's only so much you can do no matter how much you love him. He is beyond your control.
Have you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yet?
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 10, 2023 8:36:28 GMT -5
GC: "I feel I will have a difficult time knowing who his friends are in the future. Are they here to help him, by using their past experience? or is their dealing going on?" There's only so much you can do no matter how much you love him. He is beyond your control. Have you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yet? Not yet, I plan on looking into it this weekend. Thanks for the references, I knew very little about it, due to my lack of experience in such circumstances! All new ground for me! |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 10, 2023 11:52:32 GMT -5
Here's a link to Nar-anon on-line meetings: www.nar-anon.org/virtual-meetingsThere probably are in person meetings, too, in your area. If you go to in person ones be prepared to see people you know including some whom you thought had almost perfect families. So many people have loved ones with drug problems but few talk about it to their friends. I was open with my friends about what was going on with my son. Even the most religious, educated, well off, happy looking, etc. had had loved ones with alcohol or drug problems. You definitely aren't alone. I've heard some wonderful stories of kids who turned their lives around. That typically happened after the parents stopped enabling them, even by having to kick them out of their house. My son was homeless for a while. During that time, he didn't contact us for 2 years. We had no idea where he was. He's now married to a very good anti-drug woman. And he's employed and buying a house. He has cut off ties with his dad, brother, other relatives and me. But I'm very grateful that he is alive. So, there is hope. But the path can be scary and rocky. |
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Post by baza on Feb 10, 2023 17:49:46 GMT -5
I've had experience in a 12 Step program, in a group called GamAnon.
This group is for the friends / family of the addict ... to help friends and family cope with the fall out that the addicted person brings to the table.
The 12 step principle (such as seen in AlAnon, NarcAnon) is pretty much identical to other self help groups dealing with addiction like gambling, drugs, alcohol.
I got a huge amount of value out of it.
The principles of GamAnon had application in issues other than gambling and actually helped in assorted relationship matters, even my ILIASM deal.
It's a group thing which is not for everyone, but you could go to a NarcAnon meeting and see if it's a good fit for you.
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 17, 2023 17:06:54 GMT -5
GC: "I feel I will have a difficult time knowing who his friends are in the future. Are they here to help him, by using their past experience? or is their dealing going on?" There's only so much you can do no matter how much you love him. He is beyond your control. Have you tried Al-Anon or Nar-Anon yet? Not yet, I plan on looking into it this weekend. Thanks for the references, I knew very little about it, due to my lack of experience in such circumstances! All new ground for me! I did find a location 5 miles from me where Nar- Anon meets. I haven't been able to contact anyone, yet (due to my surgery), someone is available two days a week. I have a question relating to my son. When he comes back home will I be assigned to be his Guardian? He'll be 22 yrs. old. And can I have a tenant ( another adult) living with me at the same home? Will having a tenant interfere with guardianship in any way? I have not found information about this on line ? Just forms to fill out! |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 18, 2023 1:16:49 GMT -5
"I have a question relating to my son.
When he comes back home will I be assigned to be his Guardian? He'll be 22 yrs. old. And can I have a tenant ( another adult) living with me at the same home? Will having a tenant interfere with guardianship in any way? I have not found information about this on line ? Just forms to fill out!"
I don't know. My son wasn't released from jail before his trial. That was fortunate. During the 6 months he was held before his trial, his body was able to purge itself of the effects of his drug use. His thinking also cleared and when in his court appearance the judge asked him to choose between rehab and prison, my son wisely chose rehab. At the end of that, he was placed in some kind of independent group home (there was no staff overseeing them. Residents were responsible for themselves). With the help of some system that helped people released from the correctional system, he got a job.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 2, 2023 11:17:57 GMT -5
I finally get to visit my son in jail tomorrow!
Funny how life has it's ways of working things out?
I just got home from having skin cancer removed from my face ( under my right eye next to my nose. I had one removed 2 weeks ago on my forehead, and have a 3rd to be removed by my left eye in a few more weeks) I'm home recovering, so it's a good time to visit him.
I plan on listening, and asking about his present circumstances and what his attorney has told him about his future. I will only mention cleaning out his "things" ( drug paraphernalia) if he asks about it.
How does this relate to my past SM? I'd like to think that realizing I was in a SM, and dealing with it, then doing my part to change things for the better, has helped me grow, so I am better at dealing with life issues like this one!
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 3, 2023 14:52:49 GMT -5
No visitors to the jail. I called today and was told to "go on line" that the visitations are booked for the next 7 days? "what the...?" All I find on line is pay $$$, pay$$$, pay$$$, to send text messages. Nothing about making appointments for visits.
I'm trying..... I want him to know that when this is all over with.
I called the public defenders office and did find out he has a new court date. So much for the "we'll let you know" from the staff at the jail.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 3, 2023 16:17:59 GMT -5
GC: I'm sorry that you weren't able to visit. Still, my ex and I never visited my son in jail as he was not only 3,000 miles away in Oregon, he didn't want us to visit. We did talk to his public defender. Son was in jail about 6 months before going before a judge. By that time, he was detoxed enough to make a wise decision when the judge offered him prison or rehab.At the end of rehab, he got services including job placement, required attendance for 6 months at NA meetings, required 6 months of clean drug screens, and placement in a home that wasn't a halfway house but was some kind of home where the residents created the rules to run their home.
My son was about the same age as yours when he went to jail. He was able to get through this experience and do well afterward without any help from us except telling his public defender about son's background, which included skipping a year and working in responsible positions since age 12.
Bottom line: Whether your son turns his life around is up to him, not you.
Are you participating yet in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Support for yourself is essential.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 6, 2023 6:45:43 GMT -5
No visitors to the jail. I called today and was told to "go on line" that the visitations are booked for the next 7 days? "what the...?" All I find on line is pay $$$, pay$$$, pay$$$, to send text messages. Nothing about making appointments for visits. ...I called the public defenders office and did find out he has a new court date. So much for the "we'll let you know" from the staff at the jail. I thought the prisons made money from this. Apparently not. But neither do the video companies. The pushing you're getting may be to fulfill minimal use quotas by the video companies.
"For example, in one Securus contract, the commission is based on the gross revenue per month. If the gross revenue per month is $5,001-$10,000, the commission is 0%. If the revenue is $10,001-$15,000, the commission is 20%. If the revenue is $15,001-$20,000, the commission is 25%. If the revenue is $20,001+, the commission is 30%. For the Collier County, Florida contract, see Exhibit 14. ↩"Total visitation is down. Apparently, the buggy tech and the second rate interaction is reducing family time which supposedly reduces recidivism. Reversing the trend means more manpower to escort prisoners to the visitation rooms. It still might be about money. It's a lengthy article and I didn't finish it. Lots of background. One of the sources in the reference section: www.dallasobserver.com/news/captive-audience-counties-and-private-businesses-cash-in-on-video-visits-at-jails-7110523"There is another option that's free. ....she has to drive to the jail a full 24 hours in advance to schedule a visit the following day. The next day, she has a "visit" inside the jail visitation room, not exactly with Ballowe, but with a computer screen. When her ex-fiance's face appears on screen, he is still sitting in his crowded cell, sometimes as other inmates walk past him on the way to shower."So, still a video visit, two trips to the prison. Or pay a little money and save a day. Ka-ching! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 6, 2023 20:38:55 GMT -5
No visitors to the jail. I called today and was told to "go on line" that the visitations are booked for the next 7 days? "what the...?" All I find on line is pay $$$, pay$$$, pay$$$, to send text messages. Nothing about making appointments for visits. ...I called the public defenders office and did find out he has a new court date. So much for the "we'll let you know" from the staff at the jail. I thought the prisons made money from this. Apparently not. But neither do the video companies. The pushing you're getting may be to fulfill minimal use quotas by the video companies.
I'm learning Soooo many things that , truth be told, I'd rather not ever have to know about! Much of it is second hand knowledge and others past experiences with family members. My son and I have been sharing texts. He had 35 days of LOAP - Loss Of All Privileges. (I won't go into it) He also tells me that every day an inmate stays at this privately owned facility ( the county jail) the company makes $100-$300 per day. And that the company in charge of communicate/visit inmates is a separate company as well. Others inform me of "the money to be made by owning stock in these companies".....So much to digest!! He sounds humbled, regretful, remorseful, and at the same time hopeful and anxious for a new beginning......Words are great, words mean things, however... I'm cautiously waiting for actions. Giving it time. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 23, 2023 18:27:39 GMT -5
My son's court day was today. he asked to have his court date postponed one more week, so both his cases can be heard at the same time. I did not hire him an attorney, that was very difficult to do, because I ( and him) was not informed until the night before what his options where, and what his sentencing might be!
He has been offered a 240 day sentence with no probation, or 2 yrs. of in home arrest, and then 2 yrs. of probation. He wants the 240 days, which he has already served 50 days. ( 6 months, maybe 5 with good behavior)
My son has been told that if he violates his parole or house arrest in the least bit, like getting home 5 minute late, he will be arrested and back in jail.
The attorney I spoke with today told me that 240 days is an outstanding deal! That normally he would get 14 to 15 months!
My son told me he feels better now knowing how long he will have to serve. Too many people had him convinced he could be in jail for 4 to 5 yrs!
He will also have a criminal record.
How am I holding up? ( thanks for asking!!) It's been a lot to go through the last month! So much mis- information, rude, obnoxious people,$$$ spent, etc...
I want him back home with me. I want him to get the correct counselling and guidance,etc... However, it now looks like 6 months more without him here at the house.
I'm kinda looking forward to not having him and the friends around. ( it has it's good and it's bad)
I'm not dating anyone currently, and don't like having the 'added drama/baggage" of him living with me, with his bipolar/drug addiction/ criminal past to bring into another relationship.
I recently met a woman who's main focus is taking care of her 25 yr. old daughter with a life long, life threatening disease. She has no time for dating! I feel I'm going to end up in the same boat? All new ground- yet.. hopefully I've learned to put myself first as I/ we press forward!
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 23, 2023 18:53:54 GMT -5
GC: Thanks for the update. Have you gotten into any support groups? Will drug testing, rehab and/or attendance at 12-step groups be included in his parole? And will he be able to go to a halfway house after he gets out?
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 24, 2023 19:43:48 GMT -5
GC: Thanks for the update. Have you gotten into any support groups? Will drug testing, rehab and/or attendance at 12-step groups be included in his parole? And will he be able to go to a halfway house after he gets out? I have not gotten into a support group, I've been occupied with 3 surgeries and housing a neighbor, and I managed to squeeze in dancing in a dance showcase! So far it sounds like once my son completes his 190 day sentence, there will be no parole. Also no rehab or attendance to a 12 step group? However...I still have much information to gather as things continue to unfold. My son does speak positively about getting counselling once he returns home! My son had a child psychologist for years after his adoption from China and living with us here in America. He was abandoned in a train station at the age of 8 yrs .old, and lived on the streets of Kunming China for a year. Living in a dumpster and running bags, he learned to be 'self-sufficient' at the age of 10 yrs old, by the time he reached America. He would like to see the same psychologist, but i believe he needs a different, better, type of therapy. Someone who specializes in treatment rehab for drug addictions and bi-polar disorder. |
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