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Post by nyartgal on Jun 9, 2016 19:25:10 GMT -5
This is great news. I agree with other people that your W may be looking at the countdown clock to when your kids go to college and planning her own exit strategy.
In the meantime I think you could ask yourself the following questions: why is it that you always put everyone else's comfort and happiness before your own, even renters for your properties? Do you feel like you don't deserve being your own first priority, or that it would mean you're selfish?
And, if you saw one of your kids doing the same in his or her life, living in an unhappy marriage and putting everything and everyone else before his/her own happiness, what would you say? Is that what you would want for your kids? If not, why do you want more of them than for yourself?
Just some things to think about while you consider your next steps...
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 9, 2016 19:35:29 GMT -5
It may be to your advantage to file sooner then later based on the points that unmatched made. Plus if the divorce took 9 months you wouldn't be divorced until March 2017. If I was to hand her the papers today, What I still don't understand is who goes where? Who has to leave the house,and who keeps the children, and how does that get decided? Attorneys leave that stuff out! It it could only take three. A lot will be decided on the influence of her attorney, and her angry recently divorced sister that she gets advice from. Just part of getting all the targets in line before pulling the trigger. My second oldest would still be finishing his senior year and need a place to live. Perhaps my therapist can talk me through these questions better. I wish I knew where to look up such information. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 9, 2016 19:44:29 GMT -5
It may be to your advantage to file sooner then later based on the points that unmatched made. Plus if the divorce took 9 months you wouldn't be divorced until March 2017. If I was to hand her the papers today, What I still don't understand is who goes where? Who has to leave the house,and who keeps the children, and how does that get decided? Attorneys leave that stuff out! It it could only take three. A lot will be decided on the influence of her attorney, and her angry recently divorced sister that she gets advice from. Just part of getting all the targets in line before pulling the trigger. My second oldest would still be finishing his senior year and need a place to live. Perhaps my therapist can talk me through these questions better. I wish I knew where to look up such information. I do not recommend handing her papers. I recommend having her served. I recommend a contested divorce where she has 20 days to respond and/ or lawyer up or it will go to default. If it's uncontested she has all the time in the world to avoid responding. It cost me an extra $1000 to go that route. After he was served we still lived together for another month and a half. Once she is served you work out all those details together if she will be reasonable. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 9, 2016 19:44:36 GMT -5
The college plan is something people say when they are planning to get divorced but waiting until their kids go off the college (or high school, or whatever...) I guess I have a concern because you have spoken before about your wife not being very upfront about what she is doing with your money, and also I think you were saying you thought maybe she was more interested in you as a carer and family member than as a husband (I think that was you - apologies if I got mixed up!) But those two things together were ringing alarm bells for me as your kids are starting to get older. And I did wonder if she might be planning a second life for herself once the kids are grown.
I think you need to think about whether you want a divorce or not. I absolutely agree that getting a job could do a lot for your self-esteem and if you are going to stay married it would also make a big statement that says 'I have a life too and it is important'. BUT if you are going to get divorced in the near(ish) future, I am concerned that taking time to go out to work and forcing your wife to take a larger share of the childcare might (and I only mean might - you would need advice), it MIGHT make a difference to how much weight is given to all your time spent looking after the kids when you come to divide everything up.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 9, 2016 20:28:39 GMT -5
"I used to convince myself that my wife loves me because she wants me to be the father of all these children. That she trusts and loves me enough to take care of her father. That she trusts and loves me with all of these finances and responsibilities. That she loves my values, morals, and virtues! That I'm a really good catch!
Now I realize that having a family is where her love is, and her work. That a man, a husband, was child care service that is less and less needed as kids become adults.
the same person who now says, " why don't you leave? , I Don't love you anymore, I don't really see the need for sex, you are less than helpful, etc..." Leaves for days on business trips with me in charge of the whole family!"
This is what you said on the other thread. That combined with what you posted a couple of weeks ago about her filing taxes without your signature and not wanting you to know how much money there is or where she is keeping it. BIG RED FLAG! Watch your back...
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Post by petrushka on Jun 9, 2016 20:41:04 GMT -5
It may be to your advantage to file sooner then later based on the points that unmatched made. Plus if the divorce took 9 months you wouldn't be divorced until March 2017. If I was to hand her the papers today, What I still don't understand is who goes where? Who has to leave the house,and who keeps the children, and how does that get decided? Attorneys leave that stuff out! It it could only take three. A lot will be decided on the influence of her attorney, and her angry recently divorced sister that she gets advice from. Just part of getting all the targets in line before pulling the trigger. My second oldest would still be finishing his senior year and need a place to live. Perhaps my therapist can talk me through these questions better. I wish I knew where to look up such information. I'm sorry to say this (because it may end up being expensive) - but I think you need to hire a very good divorce lawyer, and your lawyer may need to hire a good forensic accountant, based of what you've told us before. She's been salting things away, she's been hiding things from you, sabotaging transparency. In no way would I trust her good will, or her honesty at this point if I was in your shoes. There is little doubt in my mind that, since you are the primary care giver to the kids, and have been for Quite Some Time, you would get the marital home to continue with that. At least that's how it shakes out (to steal Bazz' phrase) in most legislations. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 10, 2016 6:18:57 GMT -5
greatcoastal I love your paintings! Your lawyer sounds good to me, and great that it sounds do-able. good luck with all your decisions! Frightening what he said about the physical abuse. It wouldn't surprise me if my stbx would do that trick on me. My situation is a bit like yours. But in my case I am the one with a job and my husband staying at home. I want to get away and he doesn't want a separation because of the money. My husband has been unemployed for almost ever and doesn't have much options on a good job. I will have to pay alimony, but I don't earn so much that it would help him a lot and I expect that a judge won't order me to hand over everything I earn. I would think that I am allowed to keep enough to live. I will have to examine that.
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Post by JMX on Jun 10, 2016 6:47:18 GMT -5
GC - those paintings are amazing! The first one I saw, I thought it was a photo  |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 10, 2016 6:54:39 GMT -5
I love sailboats. Great talent you possess. I'm sorry to see divorce in your case as you built quite a life focused on children. You both appeared to start off on solid ground. With some selfless purpose. Id love to see her come around, humble and become part of your team! Yes, a job does plenty for a man even if check is not large, it's a great validation. Art shows?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2016 7:17:26 GMT -5
greatcoastal I love your paintings! Your lawyer sounds good to me, and great that it sounds do-able. good luck with all your decisions! Frightening what he said about the physical abuse. It wouldn't surprise me if my stbx would do that trick on me. My situation is a bit like yours. But in my case I am the one with a job and my husband staying at home. I want to get away and he doesn't want a separation because of the money. My husband has been unemployed for almost ever and doesn't have much options on a good job. I will have to pay alimony, but I don't earn so much that it would help him a lot and I expect that a judge won't order me to hand over everything I earn. I would think that I am allowed to keep enough to live. I will have to examine that. Thanks for the compliment!! Do attorneys give free consultations were you live? A divorced friend of mine said, " get as many as you can!".Getting those questions answered will lift such a burden off your mind,and would help you to press forward. You would also learn more about what questions you want answered. Once you get the general idea of what a divorce will bring. That is what I am going to do for the next few weeks. Ask more specific questions. You may find out that all of his trivial, childish winning will be highly d'être mental to him, or even better, be totally meaningless in a divorce court. My unemployment was due to the continuation of more children. Especially foreign children with special needs. I doubt your husband has the same story. |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 10, 2016 7:52:51 GMT -5
greatcoastal I will get consultations. My husband does not have the same story indeed. But he did do most of the caring of our daughter. And for his unemployment he will say it is due to his health problems. (he will pretend he only has physical problems and will pretend they are much worse than they are.) He has been looking for a job for several years, but couldn't find /keep one. And so he decided to stay at home, and I agreed to that because his job hunting wasn't very promising. So I think he is entitled to alimony, but there are limits to that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 10, 2016 8:12:27 GMT -5
I love sailboats. Great talent you possess. I'm sorry to see divorce in your case as you built quite a life focused on children. You both appeared to start off on solid ground. With some selfless purpose. Id love to see her come around, humble and become part of your team! Yes, a job does plenty for a man even if check is not large, it's a great validation. Art shows? it sure seemed like an indistructable force, a great beginning. looking back the signs were there. (the old frog in the frying pan). however, after more than a year of counciling, it's been determined that there isn't even a dying ember left to try and start a dead fire. Now comes focusing on what kind of example are we setting for our children.Things may be better all around for everyone if we were separate. Art shows are time consuming and loose money. I stick with one or two state and county contests a year. this whole SM thing has consumed my time, on research and reading,and hopefully helping others. Smooth sailing to you friend! Peaceful, solitude, tranquel waters lie ahead.   |
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Post by tamara68 on Jun 10, 2016 8:14:43 GMT -5
You could give art workshops (also on our global iliasm gathering)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 11:38:36 GMT -5
If she has already threatened to call the police over just touching her arm, then if I were you I'd get the hell out yesterday. She's going to do the same thing when you file for divorce. I don't live in FL, but I personally know a guy who got arrested and had to go to wife beater class solely on the word of his girlfriend. No witnesses. Getting arrested for domestic violence is easier than taking a shit.
She wants you to be a man and take charge. Here you go. Take what's rightfully yours. Just proceed like you're walking through a mine field because you are. Reading between the lines I get the feeling that she gets off by emasculating you. She ain't gonna like finding out you've grown them back.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 10, 2016 12:04:02 GMT -5
"I used to convince myself that my wife loves me because she wants me to be the father of all these children. That she trusts and loves me enough to take care of her father. That she trusts and loves me with all of these finances and responsibilities. That she loves my values, morals, and virtues! That I'm a really good catch! Now I realize that having a family is where her love is, and her work. That a man, a husband, was child care service that is less and less needed as kids become adults. the same person who now says, " why don't you leave? , I Don't love you anymore, I don't really see the need for sex, you are less than helpful, etc..." Leaves for days on business trips with me in charge of the whole family!" This is what you said on the other thread. That combined with what you posted a couple of weeks ago about her filing taxes without your signature and not wanting you to know how much money there is or where she is keeping it. BIG RED FLAG! Watch your back... I agree with unmatched. I would tell her you need to see that tax return or you will be filing married separate next year. |
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