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Post by angryspartan on Jun 10, 2016 12:50:27 GMT -5
...most here would say that crappy, emotionless, mechanical sex for the sake of "checking the box" doesn't count, even though one could argue that clinically it's not sexless. There is an old saying that sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still kind of good. It's not going to be amazing all the time once kids/mortgage/bills/jobs /stress (aka adulthood) become a big part of the picture. As for me, there is no way I would put a several-times-a-week expectation on my wife. Sorry. Not realistic. angry spartan, may I ask just for the sake of argument, approximately how many times a year you and your wife make love? Here's the difference between sex and pizza: You never feel like you lost self-respect after eating pizza. We avg around once every 7-10 days. Yes, I know it's far better than a lot have it here, and it's not always bad either, but we're far from meeting in the middle. I don't need to everyday(but I'm not saying I'd say no to that either), what I do need is to feel like I'm wanted and desired. I need to know it's not something used to pacify me all the time. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 10, 2016 12:54:05 GMT -5
We avg around once every 7-10 days. Yes, I know it's far better than a lot have it here, and it's not always bad either, but we're far from meeting in the middle. I don't need to everyday(but I'm not saying I'd say no to that either), what I do need is to feel like I'm wanted and desired. I need to know it's not something used to pacify me all the time. Listen, I'm not saying there aren't issues here. I'm just saying that a Sexless Marriage isn't one of them. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 10, 2016 12:57:09 GMT -5
We avg around once every 7-10 days. Yes, I know it's far better than a lot have it here, and it's not always bad either, but we're far from meeting in the middle. I don't need to everyday(but I'm not saying I'd say no to that either), what I do need is to feel like I'm wanted and desired. I need to know it's not something used to pacify me all the time. Listen, I'm not saying there aren't issues here. I'm just saying that a Sexless Marriage isn't one of them. I never claimed to be in a SM. All I've ever claimed is to share the frustration, and to an extent, the hurt many have here. EP used to have an Almost Sexless Marriage board, but that isn't an option here. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this circumstance. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 10, 2016 13:34:42 GMT -5
I never claimed to be in a SM. All I've ever claimed is to share the frustration, and to an extent, the hurt many have here. EP used to have an Almost Sexless Marriage board, but that isn't an option here. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this circumstance. AngrySpartan, you're not alone. I'm one of the others in that boat, where we're not sexless by the clinical definition, but it's so devoid of intimacy that it has all the same dynamics, issues, and symptoms. I.e., it's not a competition to see who's worse off, but rather how we can collectively support each other and try to find solutions, if they exist. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 11, 2016 3:37:55 GMT -5
I never claimed to be in a SM. All I've ever claimed is to share the frustration, and to an extent, the hurt many have here. EP used to have an Almost Sexless Marriage board, but that isn't an option here. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this circumstance. AngrySpartan, you're not alone. I'm one of the others in that boat, where we're not sexless by the clinical definition, but it's so devoid of intimacy that it has all the same dynamics, issues, and symptoms. I.e., it's not a competition to see who's worse off, but rather how we can collectively support each other and try to find solutions, if they exist. Quality is way more important than quantity. |
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Post by ggold on Jun 11, 2016 16:56:36 GMT -5
Listen, I'm not saying there aren't issues here. I'm just saying that a Sexless Marriage isn't one of them. I never claimed to be in a SM. All I've ever claimed is to share the frustration, and to an extent, the hurt many have here. EP used to have an Almost Sexless Marriage board, but that isn't an option here. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this circumstance. Whether one is in a full SM or an almost SM, the feelings of rejection, hurt, confusion, frustration, etc. exist. When a spouse does not and refuses to fulfill you sexually, it is crushing. angryspartan I support you. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2016 8:15:54 GMT -5
@lwoetin, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand what some of the others here mean when they say you've been given the "golden ticket" to get out, but if this had happened to me, I would have been devastated and angry, at least at first. After so many years of rejection, comes the ultimate one. It's natural for you to be upset and to strike out the way you did (you mentioned making her cry even more). Now that the first shock is over, you need to give yourself some time to work through your feelings, which will be complicated to say the least. Try to be kind to yourself and then extend that kindness to her if you can. I hope the two of you can really sit down and talk things through.
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Post by Dan on Jun 13, 2016 8:19:25 GMT -5
Try to be kind to yourself and then extend that kindness to her if you can. I hope the two of you can really sit down and talk things through. Yes: this. First: so many of us here forget "be kind to yourself". It is critically important: you can't support those around you if you beat yourself in to a hole. Nor from that hole will you make the best decisions about your future life (if you can muster the strength to make ANY decisions that include a big change). I posit those of us here in ILIASM are predisposed to placing others above ourselves. After all, wouldn't a selfish bastard just dump the refuser spouse and move on, rather than sticking with a sexless marriage as long as many of us have? Second: I know it it sounds like a total contradiction, but you ARE ALLOWED to be "kind" to her as you consider divorce. And even if you follow through, there is no law of the universe that says you have to be nasty, mean, or any of that negative stuff. Even in divorce: be true to yourself. The other side of that same "kindness coin": the ability and/or desire to show kindness to a refuser-spouse is NOT the same as "you shouldn't get divorced" or "there's still hope". It just means you're kind! Your kindness has served you well in life so far (except maybe staying in an SM a bit too long). Your divorce will not define you post-divorce; your kindness, however, will help you attract other kind souls post-divorce... and maybe even attract a special someone. |
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