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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2016 0:21:53 GMT -5
lwoetin - piling on with a little more... I'm sure it's hard to see the positives in this, but here's one attempt at a silver lining: If she's in agreement with the outcome, there is a *hope* that things can be unwound gracefully and amicably, which will be best for the kids and shared custody, and also the least loss of assets on legal expenses. In a twisted way, I would see this as a small "success" - the ability to part peacefully. I say "hope" because as others have suggested, you need to keep your guard up. Minimizing legal expenses doesn't mean "do it without legal guidance", it means "don't battle it out in court". Looking forward, something that may rear its head later is bitterness that "you didn't fight for our marriage" by calling her bluff when she proposed divorce. The answer is probably that you've been fighting for it all along, so it makes sense for this to be the end instead of beginning another cycle. Anyway, you might think through how to get her thinking on the same page, lest she lash out emotionally later and derail progress. And as others have suggested, it's a good idea to act swiftly when someone is agreeable, rather than assume cooperation is going to continue. DC
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 9, 2016 5:57:35 GMT -5
My gut feeling is that she is calling YOUR bluff. She thinks you are seriously fucked up with how much sex you want and that you are making it seem like a big deal when it's really not. I say, see an attorney ASAP and get yourself together.
Also, I implore you to not assume she will be reasonable when it is real. You never know someone until you divorce them and I have seen some people do some spectacularly nasty and life altering shit when faced with divorce whether it was their idea or not.
I suggest that you begin a log of all the time you spend caring for your child, as well as a log of all the time you spend out of the house. Don't let anyone see you doing anything questionable. Ever. It doesn't matter how far fetched it is, this woman could potentially attack you as a father and as a faithful husband. If nothing else, attorneys suggest lots of underhanded things. Don't be afraid to be on the offensive. You can be generous after you have a fair divorce in writing and signed by a judge.
If you decide to tell her that you are taking her up on her offer and she seems relieved, it may be possible to suggest mediation and drawing up terms together to make it as painless as possible. If that is the case, I'd find an attorney with a good reputation for litigation and mediation. They exist and that way you have both options.
Best of luck to you! Even though you still love this woman, she has really given you a gift. So many people sit for years wondering when their situations will change and why a spouse who loves them won't do anything, meaning sex or decide they are just done. Yours has saved you potentially decades of suffering. Take it!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 9, 2016 6:39:48 GMT -5
Just because you are not married doesn't mean she won't be in your life. My ex and I still go out to eat with the kids and we are friends. I'm pleased to see that I am not the only one who wanted to continue to have some sort of normal interaction with their X. I see my stbx at church regularly and we go out to eat 1 or 2 times a month along with the occasional outing on my motorcycle. We both seem more relaxed around each other as the intimacy gorilla is no longer in the room. |
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Post by petrushka on Jun 9, 2016 7:11:53 GMT -5
"Failing badly" you titled this thread. So: what is failing how? I mean, you've not had a good time in that marriage for a long time as I seem to recall. In fact, I'd say that as a relationship, as a husband and wife relationship, it's been terminally ill for ages. You've expounded your suffering, your misery, the disdain you experienced.
So, I assume in a moment of clarity, your wife has offered you relief. She's given up on knocking you into the shape she wanted you and decided that she can't do anything with this no-good horndog. And that he can't do anything with her.
She's offered you a gracious gift. A golden opportunity for a new start [for both of you], and maybe for love, a real relationship with a real partner. Where is the bad failure in that?
To go "but I love her" in this situation is to act like one of those medieval flagellants who dressed up in a horse hair shirt and walked down the streets beating themselves with whips. It's sheer masochism to want to stay.
You can still love her when she's no longer your wife - as a friend, maybe, which would be more than you have now. What are you trying to hold on to here?
What is new here, that is failing badly?
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 7:32:35 GMT -5
I was volunteering on field day for my son's 6th grade school. They set up around 12 activities and each classroom competes against the other. The final competition is the tug-of-war. He said he was tired and sat with me instead. The tug-of-war is like my marriage. We are apart and trying to pull the other to our side. We aren't getting closer. Another argument, this time because I mentioned the poll we are having here about how often we should have sex to have a real marriage. I said majority said 3-6x per week. So are you free tonight (even with poison ivy). She hates me being in this forum. After I put our son down to bed, she said she wanted to talk. So I prayed with him and let him go to bed. Went downstairs, got a cup of coffee and she said we should divorce. She said she won't change and we are too far apart for her to make me happy. I listened and then went on attack mode and made her cry even more. I am still in love with her. i need to take a break and shut up. You folks are great. Thank you for sharing your time and stories. Gosh, I feel for you here. It's so tough when you love her and it's unrequited. So tough to maintain discipline and not lash out. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 9, 2016 8:24:22 GMT -5
Just because you are not married doesn't mean she won't be in your life. My ex and I still go out to eat with the kids and we are friends. I'm pleased to see that I am not the only one who wanted to continue to have some sort of normal interaction with their X. I see my stbx at church regularly and we go out to eat 1 or 2 times a month along with the occasional outing on my motorcycle. We both seem more relaxed around each other as the intimacy gorilla is no longer in the room. It's really the kids that keep us connected and their activities. If the kids weren't there I don't know that we really would. If nothing else we do it for the kids because we love the kids. I don't think the divorce has fully impacted my ex yet. He's still got his baseball fantasy coaching living vicariously through his son life and that makes him happy. Once my son gets older about 2 or 3 years and is more independent he will realize the lack of balance he had in his life. I'm glad you are friends with your ex and you can enjoy each other's company. |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 9, 2016 10:54:16 GMT -5
... Another argument, this time because I mentioned the poll we are having here about how often we should have sex to have a real marriage. I said majority said 3-6x per week... I sincerely doubt the happiest most sexually active married couples have sex 3-6 times per week. I have read more along the lines of once a week. Perhaps I am coming in late here or missing something, but if your expectation is sex 3-6 times per week in a marriage with kids I personally feel that is way out of line with reality. Between here and EP, I have seen people who believe they are in a sexless marriage because they have sex maybe once a week or once every other week, That is not a sexless marriage. Most experts define a sexless marriage as a couple who have sex less than ten times in a year. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 9, 2016 11:20:41 GMT -5
... Another argument, this time because I mentioned the poll we are having here about how often we should have sex to have a real marriage. I said majority said 3-6x per week... I sincerely doubt the happiest most sexually active married couples have sex 3-6 times per week. I have read more along the lines of once a week. Perhaps I am coming in late here or missing something, but if your expectation is sex 3-6 times per week in a marriage with kids I personally feel that is way out of line with reality. Between here and EP, I have seen people who believe they are in a sexless marriage because they have sex maybe once a week or once every other week, That is not a sexless marriage. Most experts define a sexless marriage as a couple who have sex less than ten times in a year. No, that's not a SM by definition, but putting a number on it does a disservice to the underlying issue that is, our needs are not being met. The most happy couples are those where each party works to meet the wants and needs of the other. They act selflessly and in return, have a reciprocating partner. While a person may get it once a week, that doesn't mean that once a week is passionate on avg(lets face it, it's not always going to be that way every time). So in the end, while those of us who do get it, are still frustrated. Maybe they don't have it as bad as those not getting anything, but they still carry a burden. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2016 11:33:48 GMT -5
I sincerely doubt the happiest most sexually active married couples have sex 3-6 times per week. I have read more along the lines of once a week. Perhaps I am coming in late here or missing something, but if your expectation is sex 3-6 times per week in a marriage with kids I personally feel that is way out of line with reality. Between here and EP, I have seen people who believe they are in a sexless marriage because they have sex maybe once a week or once every other week, That is not a sexless marriage. Most experts define a sexless marriage as a couple who have sex less than ten times in a year. No, that's not a SM by definition, but putting a number on it does a disservice to the underlying issue that is, our needs are not being met. The most happy couples are those where each party works to meet the wants and needs of the other. They act selflessly and in return, have a reciprocating partner. While a person may get it once a week, that doesn't mean that once a week is passionate on avg(lets face it, it's not always going to be that way every time). So in the end, while those of us who do get it, are still frustrated. Maybe they don't have it as bad as those not getting anything, they still carry a burden. Agreed, it's a squishy subject with a lot of subjective value. Sexual activity is not a clear definition of the issues that present here - it's just the most easily measurable. Nobody can argue that lack of sex = sexlessness, so counting is a simple criteria. But most here would say that crappy, emotionless, mechanical sex for the sake of "checking the box" doesn't count, even though one could argue that clinically it's not sexless. When the national average for an age bracket is more than 2x a week, and that includes all the sexless and low-libido couples, as well as parents with small children... well, 3x isn't such an unreasonable aspiration. But I think a lot of us here would happily take one passionate session a week if the alternative was 3-6 dead-fish episodes. DC |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jun 9, 2016 14:28:47 GMT -5
...most here would say that crappy, emotionless, mechanical sex for the sake of "checking the box" doesn't count, even though one could argue that clinically it's not sexless. There is an old saying that sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still kind of good. It's not going to be amazing all the time once kids/mortgage/bills/jobs /stress (aka adulthood) become a big part of the picture. As for me, there is no way I would put a several-times-a-week expectation on my wife. Sorry. Not realistic. angry spartan, may I ask just for the sake of argument, approximately how many times a year you and your wife make love? |
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 9, 2016 14:53:50 GMT -5
...most here would say that crappy, emotionless, mechanical sex for the sake of "checking the box" doesn't count, even though one could argue that clinically it's not sexless. There is an old saying that sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad it's still kind of good. It's not going to be amazing all the time once kids/mortgage/bills/jobs /stress (aka adulthood) become a big part of the picture. As for me, there is no way I would put a several-times-a-week expectation on my wife. Sorry. Not realistic. Fair enough on the frequency. Whatever works for both parties. But on the pizza analogy... Dead-fish duty sex is questionably better than nothing. It's like pizza that looks good and smells great, but tastes like bland cardboard and gives you a stomach ache. You thought you really wanted it, but in retrospect you regret being duped. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 9, 2016 18:19:35 GMT -5
Just because you are not married doesn't mean she won't be in your life. My ex and I still go out to eat with the kids and we are friends. I'm pleased to see that I am not the only one who wanted to continue to have some sort of normal interaction with their X. I see my stbx at church regularly and we go out to eat 1 or 2 times a month along with the occasional outing on my motorcycle. We both seem more relaxed around each other as the intimacy gorilla is no longer in the room. Well I went out to lunch again today with the ex and the man who he was always jealous of. Another baseball dad totally platonic. We had a game today and after the friend asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat, his wife went home and he needed to kill an hour before he brought his other son to a practice. I invited my ex so he could spend more time with the kids and we are all friends. So we get to the table and I told the men that I would sit in between them so it's fair. Lol |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 9, 2016 18:31:15 GMT -5
I'm pleased to see that I am not the only one who wanted to continue to have some sort of normal interaction with their X. I see my stbx at church regularly and we go out to eat 1 or 2 times a month along with the occasional outing on my motorcycle. We both seem more relaxed around each other as the intimacy gorilla is no longer in the room. Well I went out to lunch again today with the ex and the man who he was always jealous of. Another baseball dad totally platonic. We had a game today and after the friend asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat, his wife went home and he needed to kill an hour before he brought his other son to a practice. I invited my ex so he could spend more time with the kids and we are all friends. So we get to the table and I told the men that I would sit in between them so it's fair. Lol Minx! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 9, 2016 18:42:20 GMT -5
I hope we hear from iwoetin tonight!
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 10, 2016 12:43:44 GMT -5
I hope we hear from iwoetin tonight! I'm gonna guess he has his hands full... Hopefully they make good progress one way or another. |
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