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Post by lwoetin on Jun 8, 2016 12:53:44 GMT -5
I was volunteering on field day for my son's 6th grade school. They set up around 12 activities and each classroom competes against the other. The final competition is the tug-of-war. He said he was tired and sat with me instead. The tug-of-war is like my marriage. We are apart and trying to pull the other to our side. We aren't getting closer. Another argument, this time because I mentioned the poll we are having here about how often we should have sex to have a real marriage. I said majority said 3-6x per week. So are you free tonight (even with poison ivy). She hates me being in this forum.
After I put our son down to bed, she said she wanted to talk. So I prayed with him and let him go to bed. Went downstairs, got a cup of coffee and she said we should divorce. She said she won't change and we are too far apart for her to make me happy. I listened and then went on attack mode and made her cry even more. I am still in love with her. i need to take a break and shut up.
You folks are great. Thank you for sharing your time and stories.
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Post by JMX on Jun 8, 2016 13:20:07 GMT -5
@lwoetin - she just gave you a gift. Take it.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2016 13:29:43 GMT -5
Would you like to make a deal? You call an attorney today and I will too! ( three of them actually)
Don't be surprised if she is bluffing. However, this is the perfect time to take control away from the controller! Do it today!
I will shut up now. And make appointments! Join me!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 13:30:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this. It must have been quite a shock to hear the wife you love say she wants a divorce. I hope you and your wife find peace.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 8, 2016 13:37:32 GMT -5
The door just opened, all you have to do is walk through it.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 8, 2016 13:40:44 GMT -5
lwoetin, reality: you're badly mismatched. The open question is, "Can it be made to be tolerable? And is tolerable an acceptable life?" She's telling you that her heels are firmly dug in. You're not pulling her across the line toward your side, and she doesn't intend to give up any ground. Which leaves you in a stalemate, or requires a concession from you alone. The question is, is either of those outcomes tolerable for you? You're at the same fundamental point as eternaloptimism - your wife is being crystal clear what the future holds. The question is, what are you going to do with that knowledge? DC
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2016 13:44:06 GMT -5
If she loved you she wouldn't say divorce.
You deserve to have someone in your life that will make you feel loved.
Just because you are not married doesn't mean she won't be in your life. My ex and I still go out to eat with the kids and we are friends.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jun 8, 2016 13:52:10 GMT -5
I was volunteering on field day for my son's 6th grade school. They set up around 12 activities and each classroom competes against the other. The final competition is the tug-of-war. He said he was tired and sat with me instead. The tug-of-war is like my marriage. We are apart and trying to pull the other to our side. We aren't getting closer. Another argument, this time because I mentioned the poll we are having here about how often we should have sex to have a real marriage. I said majority said 3-6x per week. So are you free tonight (even with poison ivy). She hates me being in this forum. After I put our son down to bed, she said she wanted to talk. So I prayed with him and let him go to bed. Went downstairs, got a cup of coffee and she said we should divorce. She said she won't change and we are too far apart for her to make me happy. I listened and then went on attack mode and made her cry even more. I am still in love with her. i need to take a break and shut up. You folks are great. Thank you for sharing your time and stories. Love is not enough...very little number of marriages actually finish because love stopped...but millions because love alone(especially from only one partner) can't sustain the marriage.. It is not the end of the world(for you it is highly likely just the start), you probably can be great friends and co-parents... Divorce is not a crime and not a failure... Highly likely just the opposite- liberation and new start(for you...and for your wife)..unfirtunately it looks like you are partners in misery... |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 8, 2016 13:55:27 GMT -5
You've just been handed a winning lottery ticket.....
She either really wants this, or she's bluffing to regain control.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 14:01:43 GMT -5
Are you in the "staying" or "thinking about leaving" group? If you're in the latter, this could only be a good thing. If you're in the former, accept it's over. Don't drag it out with marriage counseling and "talks." Get lawyered up right now.
This all applies until she changes her mind.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 8, 2016 14:29:19 GMT -5
She's spoken her truth, and now it's time for you to regain control of your life..I know it's hard, and I'm sorry you're hurting .
I think this is the time where you get some legal advice whether she's serious or not ..It's a great time for you to truly think about what you really want !
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 8, 2016 15:22:38 GMT -5
lwoetin, reality: you're badly mismatched. The open question is, "Can it be made to be tolerable? And is tolerable an acceptable life?" She's telling you that her heels are firmly dug in. You're not pulling her across the line toward your side, and she doesn't intend to give up any ground. Which leaves you in a stalemate, or requires a concession from you alone. The question is, is either of those outcomes tolerable for you? You're at the same fundamental point as eternaloptimism - your wife is being crystal clear what the future holds. The question is, what are you going to do with that knowledge? DC Thanks DryCreek for tagging me in here, I hadn't seen this thread. Please lwoetin as has been said already, use this now to get out of the misery you have been living in for god knows how long. Too long. This is a gold dust moment for you. The rest of your life can now happen. Im really jealous actually. I'm Desperate for this to happen to me. But in reality. Thinkin about it, I'd rather decide myself. I don't want to wait for him to say it's over. I want that one. My decision. But my god, if he did happen to get in there before me, well, bonus. Get things moving. Now!! Lots of love and strength to you xxx |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 8, 2016 16:15:50 GMT -5
I am working but had to stop quickly when I saw your update. lwoetin, I am truly sorry for what you have been coping with. But please do not look at this as failing badly. You have not failed. You are not failing. You are succeeding where many of us side step to avoid the D word. A new found freedom awaits - maybe with her and maybe without; but you will be out of limbo land. Her response is proof that there are underlying issues and where her mind has been for years. The lack of sex is only a symptom of issues (that refusers have). You at least now KNOW where things stand. You saw the tug of war because you fully see the life you live. It’s not your imagination.
For her to suggest this allows for open dialogue without arguing, open conversations that you otherwise would not have. You both can be free with your words now that the tension is broken. Big Step!!!
Ultimately, you may release (Divorce) each other out of love and respect for each other OR else the more open conversations will help heal wounds and she may begin being your wife 1-2 x per week. She at least is offering to free you! Free you both.
You are a success in so many ways. Divorce is not failing at life- that is a stigma only. Marriage expectations and the usually clumsy way we start marriages is why they fail. We are imperfect humans trying to become one. It can work but sometimes the dream is bigger than we are as a pair. It crosses all types: poor, wealthy, famous, farmers, handsome, not so handsome, wild in bed, not so wild.. IT'S NOT YOU LWOETIN!
Drycreek is borderline genius, his words - accurate.
If she wants to D, work together on the planning so you both can be involved parents and enjoy your new lives. Don't let stuff get in the way of being amicable. Take the high road with dignity but do not get taken advantage of. NOTE: Be very cautious on what you agree to verbally. Just take notes as you both talk before you reach any settlement. If she were to lawyer up, your words or verbal promises will be used against you. But show her love in this process. If she follows through then you know she was serious. Please see it as a gift of freedom. She does not like hurting you anymore than you like to make her cry.
Finally, an acquaintance of mine in SW Florida went through this. They did divorce. They both dated for 2 years. They realized that they were best for each other and remarried. Great friends and a good marriage today. Relationships - there are no easy answers. But we are here are in your corner - heck we are all on the same boat! At least you can now move forward with life though!
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2016 22:47:45 GMT -5
At this stage Brother Lwoetin, I'll just trot out my hackneyed suggestion that I give everyone....
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you, develop an exit strategy and knock it in to do-able shape, shore up your support network, and research everything you can find about helping kids (if any) transition through such an event.
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Your missus may be bullshitting about the divorce, but it would be most unwise to assume that.
If she has any brains, SHE will have seen a lawyer before she opened her yap on the subject.
You had best catch up.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 23:06:30 GMT -5
Wow. I know this hurts.
Even though there have been times when you wanted it yourself. Even though you were very unhappily married. Even though this is probably the best choice.
When all of the choices suck, you just go with the least bad one.
This is a loss, so don't beat yourself up if you feel sad. Most people begin their marriage anticipating a happy lifetime together. It hurts - really hurts - to realize that it won't be that way.
Let yourself have your feelings; and try to believe me when I say you won't always feel the same way.
And, do take the good practical advice others have given - find a good lawyer.
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