I hate Christmas. So, I fake it until I can make it. I do the things I love, Midnight Mass. I cannot sing but I try so hard to lip synch carols. I have learned to wrap presents wonderfully. I cook an amazing Chrastmas lunch..... and wash up. I decorate the house, to her tastes. Mine are childish and tacky apparently. But still I hate it and wish my wife would put one tenth of the effort I put into Christmas into out sex life.
Post by northstarmom on Dec 4, 2022 13:15:22 GMT -5
lessingham: "Post OptionsPost by lessingham on 2 hours ago I hate Christmas. So, I fake it until I can make it. I do the things I love, Midnight Mass. I cannot sing but I try so hard to lip synch carols. I have learned to wrap presents wonderfully. I cook an amazing Chrastmas lunch..... and wash up. I decorate the house, to her tastes. Mine are childish and tacky apparently. But still I hate it and wish my wife would put one tenth of the effort I put into Christmas into out sex life."
Stop being a martyr, and start living your truth. There are no rewards for avoiding your own needs and desires while catering to a wife who holds you in contempt. I remember the relief I felt when I decided to stop decorating for Xmas. It had become obvious to me that I was doing all of the work of that. I stopped decorating, and also suggested that my husband take our adult son and visit my husband's parents (who lived in another state) for the holiday period. From then on, I had lovely Christmases. I spent the day meditating by myself. In your case, since you like decorating, decorate the house in a way that makes you happy. And really sing! There's no law that says you have to have a great voice to sing Xmas carols!
You can choose to live your truth or you can choose to grit your teeth and do things that you loathe. Decorating, etc., to your wife's specificationsdoesn't make you a hero or admirable. You won't get a prize for that. You won't get happiness. And you certainly won't earn your wife's appreciation or respect. If she complains about your decorations, walk away. I'm sure your wife sees what you do and feels no appreciation, but continues to feel contempt for a man whom she obviously doesn't love or care about. She has no reason to respect a man who continues to work hard to make her happy while she continues to walk over him. All the things that you do to please her or to try to avoid her anger probably encourage her to treat you even worse because it's clear who holds the power in your relationship: She does. Don't let her rule your life.
I hate Christmas too. It's nothing but a cruel reminder that what I really want more than anything, I'm not going to get. I don't bother trying to please her anymore though. She can decorate the house herself however she wants. I'm done participating. I'm not bending over backwards to keep her happy anymore. If she's going to be a no-effort spouse, then that's what she's getting in return.
Bits of me are dying but others are growing. One step at a time.
Post by northstarmom on Dec 7, 2022 11:56:06 GMT -5
lessingham: "Found a decoration of the type I loved as a kid. She said it was cheap and tacky and not to buy it. So, I bought it and will put it up above the bed!"
Curious about why you would go shopping with her when it seems all she does is criticize your selections. Seems you are setting yourself up to get shot down.
Do you really want that decoration over the bed? Is being passive-aggressive toward your wife something that brings you joy? Why not put the decoration some place you'd enjoy it? Why not move out of the bed you share with your wife?
Found a decoration of the type I loved as a kid. She said it was cheap and tacky and not to buy it. So, I bought it and will put it up above the bed!
You said you were caretaking for her, I think?
If she doesn't go outside much, maybe outdoor decorating can suit your tastes and she'll rarely or never see it? Perhaps she'll fuss about what the neighbors will think. Maybe that's a line you're willing to draw in the sand snow. Bad enough to indulge her every whim, maybe you'll be okay with not indulging the whims of neighbors she thinks they have.
Post by northstarmom on Dec 7, 2022 21:47:47 GMT -5
lessingham: Are you caretaking for your wife? I know she had some medical problems, but I thought that they were temporary problems -- like needing a temporary period of care after surgery. What is the deal with your wife's health?I remember a couple of years ago when you thought you had Covid you were, I think, in your basement and it didn't seem your wife was doing anything for you.
I bought it on Amazon. It was not supposed to be passive aggressive to put it over the bed, but I see what you mean. Okay, it goes over my pc station. My wife has spectacular colds and takes to her bed for three to four days. She also suffers from IBS. She resembles sometimes those Victorian ladies of delicate health.
Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2022 11:31:35 GMT -5
lessingham: "My wife has spectacular colds and takes to her bed for three to four days. She also suffers from IBS. She resembles sometimes those Victorian ladies of delicate health."
In other words, your wife has an uncomfortable chronic, nonfatal condition, and sometimes gets bad colds. Neither condition mean you need to spend your life catering to her every need and waiting on her hand and foot. Single people manage with her conditions.
However, if you keep waiting to divorce, there's a good chance that one of you will develop a condition that would make divorce very difficult.
Why are you still sharing a bed with her? Seems that just adds to your misery.
Post by northstarmom on Dec 10, 2022 5:40:45 GMT -5
"No spare bed. Our guest room is used by my son during his commute and the other bedroom is a library/computer room."
You are choosing to sleep in the same bed with her. You could make other decisions about your rooms. The library/computer room could become your bedroom as could your guest bedroom (and, of course, as could the bedroom your son uses for his commute is a spare bedroom that you're allowing him to use). Your son could sleep on the couch during his commutes. You know these things, but are choosing a solution that allows your sleeping arrangements to be miserable for you and that fuels your anger. You are choosing sleep in the same bed with the refuser who holds you in contempt. Moving out of the bedroom would be your living a more authentic and probably happier life. Honestly, if you started sleeping in your son's bedroom what could your wife do to prevent that? Complain? The same goes for your grown son whom you've complained about because he is irresponsible when it comes to jobs. Maybe if your home wasn't so comfy for him he'd be more responsible.
worksforme2: Happy Birthday deleted,...where ever you are
Sept 25, 2023 9:44:03 GMT -5
mirrororchid: Just found out. My wife's therapist was nudging her to divorce me four years ago before she reset with me. It seems like the key ingredient to a reverse in a sexless marriage is a refuser that earnestly knows that celibacy in marriage is abnormal.
Sept 27, 2023 19:49:47 GMT -5