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Post by lessingham on Nov 16, 2022 6:22:22 GMT -5
There was a UK war hero called Douglas Bader, who lost both his legs in a plane crash. In his autobiography he describes the agony and pain lying in the hospital. One morning he wakes and the pain is gone. He feels calm and at peace. Outside his room two young nurses were giggling and tslking about their night out. The ward sister admonishes them saying, "show some respect there is a man dying in there!" He realuses they mean him. He realised he had given up. As he said in the book, "That night the pain returned" When we give up there is peace in our sexless marriage, but we are dying inside. Recently I gave up and gave in. Now I am trying to get free and the pain, rage and are back
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 16, 2022 8:46:40 GMT -5
That's a fitting analogy. We each have our own equilibrium with this. I don't know that the goal is to eliminate all pain from life. Just be able to use it like a tool, without being consumed by it.
Reminds me of a song lyric "I'd rather feel bad than nothing at all."
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Nov 16, 2022 20:29:29 GMT -5
There was a UK war hero called Douglas Bader, who lost both his legs in a plane crash. In his autobiography he describes the agony and pain lying in the hospital. One morning he wakes and the pain is gone. He feels calm and at peace. Outside his room two young nurses were giggling and tslking about their night out. The ward sister admonishes them saying, "show some respect there is a man dying in there!" He realuses they mean him. He realised he had given up. As he said in the book, "That night the pain returned" When we give up there is peace in our sexless marriage, but we are dying inside. Recently I gave up and gave in. Now I am trying to get free and the pain, rage and are back The whole marriage becomes a little more tolerable once you give up and acknowledge to yourself you are not in a marriage and there is nothing left to save and simply accept your spouse is not a spouse, but your roommate. At this point I avoid anything other than light and trivial conversations very limited in scope. This helps avoid arguments that will erupt quickly if any discussions of substance are attempted. In the event an arguement does erupt I find quick apology and admission that you are wrong can sometimes stop escalation of the situation. (It does not matter if you are right or not.) The goal being to stop the argument which is never winnable anyway and get back to a quiet evening. I have found that avoiding any and all conversation is the most important and best strategy in all circumstances for me though. |
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2022 20:48:37 GMT -5
Pain is part of life. Suffering -- wallowing in it, thinking about it, worrying about it -- is optional. Many people in SMs are choosing suffering because they are afraid of the temporary pain of divorce.
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Post by baza on Nov 16, 2022 22:43:53 GMT -5
I reckon a policy of appeasement is a bit of a two edged sword Brother heelots . As a short term strategy it works ok and can make your life a bit more bearable ... and that has some value. Unfortunately however, it doesn't do much to bring a situation to resolution. And it tends to add to ones resentment level, and that dam wall can - once sufficient pressure accrues - burst. |
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Post by lessingham on Nov 17, 2022 4:38:40 GMT -5
There was a UK war hero called Douglas Bader, who lost both his legs in a plane crash. In his autobiography he describes the agony and pain lying in the hospital. One morning he wakes and the pain is gone. He feels calm and at peace. Outside his room two young nurses were giggling and tslking about their night out. The ward sister admonishes them saying, "show some respect there is a man dying in there!" He realuses they mean him. He realised he had given up. As he said in the book, "That night the pain returned" When we give up there is peace in our sexless marriage, but we are dying inside. Recently I gave up and gave in. Now I am trying to get free and the pain, rage and are back The whole marriage becomes a little more tolerable once you give up and acknowledge to yourself you are not in a marriage and there is nothing left to save and simply accept your spouse is not a spouse, but your roommate. At this point I avoid anything other than light and trivial conversations very limited in scope. This helps avoid arguments that will erupt quickly if any discussions of substance are attempted. In the event an arguement does erupt I find quick apology and admission that you are wrong can sometimes stop escalation of the situation. (It does not matter if you are right or not.) The goal being to stop the argument which is never winnable anyway and get back to a quiet evening. I have found that avoiding any and all conversation is the most important and best strategy in all circumstances for me though. Reminds me of the old joke. All the sewers of the world drain into hell and the souls are yp to their lower lip in filth. The motto of hell is, don't make waves!! |
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Nov 17, 2022 5:02:36 GMT -5
I reckon a policy of appeasement is a bit of a two edged sword Brother heelots . As a short term strategy it works ok and can make your life a bit more bearable ... and that has some value. Unfortunately however, it doesn't do much to bring a situation to resolution. And it tends to add to ones resentment level, and that dam wall can - once sufficient pressure accrues - burst. It just depends on the person and their patience, experience and tolerance for crazy. |
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Nov 17, 2022 5:07:06 GMT -5
Pain is part of life. Suffering -- wallowing in it, thinking about it, worrying about it -- is optional. Many people in SMs are choosing suffering because they are afraid of the temporary pain of divorce. For me, divorce would be a relief and bring no pain. My marriage died years ago, no love left. The permanent pain of poverty in my old age is honestly the only thing that holds me. |
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Post by lessingham on Nov 19, 2022 3:27:54 GMT -5
I do not and will not fear poverty in my old age. Remember being 20 and broke? Never hurt ya, only your pride
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 22, 2022 6:53:05 GMT -5
I do not and will not fear poverty in my old age. Remember being 20 and broke? Never hurt ya, only your pride We know about youth hostels? We need divorced dude hostels. Crappy flophouses where you can sleep for cheap. Rest there, recover from mistakes, and launch to better. (or stay put for survival's sake.) Oh, shit! This is a thing! www.thetimes.co.uk/article/italian-husbands-left-homeless-by-divorce-judges-9p37ctg7fToo bad most of the story is paywalled. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 22, 2022 8:58:53 GMT -5
Very profound. And spot on!
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Post by lessingham on Nov 23, 2022 4:19:23 GMT -5
There's a million dollar idea right there! We do have safe houses for women fleeing violence but none for guys. And none for anybody contemplating seperation for non violent reasons
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Dec 4, 2022 11:29:06 GMT -5
I do not and will not fear poverty in my old age. Remember being 20 and broke? Never hurt ya, only your pride Much different at 20 than it is at 60. At 20 I had no home, no utility bills or really any other bills to worry about including health insurance and medical expenses. At 20 if I was broke I could still live with mom and dad if needed, have no money, no bills, and not a care in the world. I still had a nice place to stay, good food and a nice warm bed at night. Lots different at 60 in my opinion. |
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 4, 2022 13:00:13 GMT -5
"Much different at 20 than it is at 60. At 20 I had no home, no utility bills or really any other bills to worry about including health insurance and medical expenses. At 20 if I was broke I could still live with mom and dad if needed, have no money, no bills, and not a care in the world. I still had a nice place to stay, good food and a nice warm bed at night. Lots different at 60 in my opinion."
Are there any actions that you can take now to reduce your risk of poverty under any circumstances? Even if you stay married, things like the cost of future medical problems could plunge you into poverty, at least in the US.
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 4, 2022 16:37:50 GMT -5
There's a million dollar idea right there! We do have safe houses for women fleeing violence but none for guys. And none for anybody contemplating seperation for non violent reasons Mental/emotional violence can be far more lasting and detrimental than physical violence. Mental violence takes away your life little bits at a time. Death by a thousand cuts. |
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