Valentines Day

Buying the card is just the WORST! I hate card buying. It has been a painful experience for all the expected card exchanges. I’m actually lucky in that Valentine’s Day is the h’s birthday. I ignore the hearts and find a funny birthday card. The family is going out to eat on Tuesday and I have a scheduled activity Monday night that will get me off the hook. But honestly, my heart breaks every year on this day. Not because I wish I could enjoy it with the h, but because of all the years I spent alone on this day, wishing there was a love worth celebrating. It’s a day to grieve lost time, lost possibilities, lost loves of long ago, lost dreams, lost hope. It’s just another day to put my head down and push through. Luckily, I teach young children and they are my little loves who just LOVE a good party!

She wished me Happy Valentines Day. I pretended to be surprised then said the same. Last few years I’ve gotten her flowers or something in hopes it would lead to something but this year I didn’t get anything so you can guess how prior years went.

For the past month I’ve been just rolling over and going to sleep. I make sure I don’t touch her at all. She’s just starting to notice. We’ll eventually get into a big fight over this and we’ll talk about going to a counselor. I really don’t need to go. It’s all her. I’ve point blank have told her to no avail. It baffles me.

I did the same.
Card cover: "We can still do it all night long."
Inside card: The picture is of a couple sitting on the couch watching TV. Quote over their heads, "One more episode?"

I forgot it was V-Day today until I went into the supermarket and I felt ….relief. I explored that sensation for a moment and realised that 3 years out, I now associate it with a blissful realisation that I no longer have an obligation to go through the motions to hide the truth of my marriage. To pretend to celebrate something that was long gone.

I watched the people (mostly men) and wondered how many of them really loved their spouse still, and how many of them are like many here. Going through the motions for fear of the consequences of being truthful about the reality of their marriage. 

I am truly sorry for those who remain in, and feel that escape is impossible. A gentle reminder that it is never impossible. Testing, miserable at times yes. But living authentically is wonderful.  

onempty: "I make sure I don’t touch her at all. She’s just starting to notice. We’ll eventually get into a big fight over this and we’ll talk about going to a counselor. I really don’t need to go. It’s all her. I’ve point blank have told her to no avail. It baffles me.:

I'm surprised that it bothers her that you don't touch her. My refuser ex used to move away from me in his sleep if I touched him. He'd literally end up sleeping on the edge of the bed. I moved to the sofa after he said, "Excuse me and walked out," when he walked in on me changing clothes in the bedroom. I eventually moved into the former bedroom of my adult son. My refuser never said a word about what I did. I guess he was relieved.

I don't understand how a fight would result from your stopping touching your wife who won't have sex with you. What's to discuss? It's a natural consequence. It seems you'd be happier if you moved out of the bedroom. It's not as if she could do anything about it except perhaps complain, but you don't have to respond. After all, you are basically just roommates.

[quote author="northstarmom" [be br]
I don't understand how a fight would result from your stopping touching your wife who won't have sex with you. What's to discuss? It's a natural consequence. It seems you'd be happier if you moved out of the bedroom. It's not as if she could do anything about it except perhaps complain, but you don't have to respond. After all, you are basically just roommates. [/quote]


I don’t get it either. She acts like she doesn’t know
It’s a problem but she has to know right? We’ve discussed it soooo many times. I think she’s hurt that I didn’t acknowledge Vday at all. Since we occasionally have reset sex we haven’t got to the point where I’d move to another bedroom if I had one (young adult kids home still). Except for right now she still has the illusion things are fine. And they are if I spoil that crap out of her while I get nothing in return. I’m getting to the point of suggesting an open marriage. Only problem in that is I would be like another member here who suggested an open marriage and his wife immediately got a boyfriend while he hasn’t found anyone at all yet to even date. Not sure why he hasn’t but I’m pretty sure the same would happen to me. She’s 10 yrs younger and beautiful. I’m 55, and not very attractive. My oldest sister is a widow and has returned to the dating scene and all the many men she meets on the apps are better looking and richer than me… the competition will be heavy. Besides, I love my wife and I want to be with her. I just want some intimacy. It would really hurt if she had another guy. Back to the gym for me. Have to work on myself. Months ago I was working out and had lost quite a bit of weight but gained it all back after I stopped and ate too much over the holidays.

I'll try.

Both partners share in one goal while diverging in a tactic. Their shared goal is to remain married - that is, to preserve the mutual benefits that happen in a marriage and avoid the challenges and considerations of a divorce). 

This is a difficult thing for them to do, because they lack a shared, mutual unique attraction.
The more invested partner is dealing with unwanted celibacy, sharing space and an intimate living arrangement with a person they are attracted to. The more invested partner tries to center the focus on sexual expression.

The less invested partner is also dealing with unwanted celibacy, sharing space and an intimate living arrangement with a person they are not attracted to, or who they are critically angry and contemptuous of. The less invested partner tries to move or deflect the focus on sexual expression - because the attraction or desire isn't there.

The "marriage", per se, exists, as long as there is a mutual belief of some kind of attraction or intimacy dynamic. As long as desire is present in the marriage (even if one way), you both can participate in the lie or fantasy that you both involved in some kind of romantic intimate arrangement, even if it is dysfunctional or problematic.  

But if the more invested partner "drops the rope" and instead steps outside, moves to another bedroom, removes the wedding ring - or does something that is symbolically significant to both of them (or to others), then it compromises the mutual lie that both are invested in maintaining. It's one thing to not have as much sex, or the type of sex that you want and argue about it. It's quite another to have your partner move to another country, or openly take a lover, or even to move out of the bedroom indefinitely. It makes it more difficult for the averse partner to carry on the lie, and may be seen as an act of betrayal in escalating the tension over sex into something that's more tangible and less of just an ongoing argument or tension. 

The averse partner has to be celibate too, and is the hero of her/his own story. Their heroism/sacrifice/heavy lifting, is keeping a marriage and household or family running when they really don't like or aren't into their partner. Any external manifestation of this reality just makes it more complicated to deal with, and is likely felt as a lack of cooperation in the mutual goal of preserving the household relationship.