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Post by lightbeam3076 on Mar 12, 2022 15:43:36 GMT -5
high theexplorer I was in this position for a number of years. In the end I realised that much of the reason I accepted it was my own sense of guilt about leaving them behind, alone, or hearing them complain. I eventually identified that I had long standing abandonment issues that went right back to childhood and that left me with a real dread of feeling like I had abandoned others. One of the best thing I did to calm my partner was to put fixed things in the diary as a given via a shared diary on our phone. e.g. the gym, mon/wed/friday 8am. Pottery Tues 8pm and so on. Then they became part of the routine and there was no 'you didn't tell me about it' or 'oh you're leaving me alone again'. They became rigid enough that they couldn't come up with last minute excuses why I shouldn't do it. I also invited them to come along or join every time. But learnt to go ahead and do it on my own when they didn't. You deserve a social life, a tribe, friends and doing things with people that make you feel good about yourself. Isolation is definitely an insidious form of abuse. Good luck! |
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 16, 2022 18:19:05 GMT -5
I did not intend to be gone so long. My car needed some repairs. The shop said they had issues with obtaining the needed parts.... They blamed it on Covid-19 supply chain problems. I finally got the car back!! It's great to have wheels again!
Northstarmom, I like your idea of associating with gay friends. I hadn't thought of that idea! My wife probably would not mind that type of arrangement. She has worked with quite a few gay people over the years.
Baza, I do NOT have another woman in mind currently. I'm attempting to create a plan and figure out what is reasonable at this point.
Lightbeam3076, Your schedule idea might be helpful. We recently had a situation where my parents needed me, but no one could contact me. I changed my plans after leaving home that morning and did not tell anyone. This would be good time to volunteer such an idea.
I'll have to do some research on childhood abandonment issues. That is something I've heard of, but do not know much about.
Mirrorchid, you have some excellent thoughts. Hiking is one of my favorite leisure time activities. I love being out in nature and exploring new places! Many years ago, my wife made a big fuss about hiking with another woman. I had gone on a short walk / hike with a woman who had 4 young kids at home. I have NO desire to be a step father. My wife knew that, so it never crossed my mind that my wife would have an issue with us going for a 1/2 hour walk. She had a BIG problem with what I did. My wife never was much on hiking. Today, she has significant mobility problems, so hiking is out for her. I have suggested that we get her a scooter. She refused to even consider that option. I don't understand it, but she doesn't want me to go hiking with other people, particularly another woman!
As far as activities I was thinking of things like going to art galleries, museums, historical places, gardens, national parks and sometimes just taking a drive in the country. As I grow older, and the ol' joints hurt more, that last option is becoming more appealing!
Yes, I have given a considerable amount of thought to the ethics / morality of having another woman in my life. (Particularly a woman in a sexless marriage.) I finally concluded that the odds of being caught by my wife are high. I tend to show my emotions. She can tell if I'm happy, sad, tired, etc. I'll probably never take such a risk. If I were to do so, I would definitely be prepared to leave the marriage, as Baza has recommended!
I suggested the open, or partially open, marriage idea to my wife once. She completely refused to even consider that option. I suspect her real issue is pride. Before we met, she was with a man that cheated on her. She said that when she discovered what was going on, she felt very foolish. I'm guessing that means her pride was hurt.
My wife has been having sex with me semi-regularly for months now. I used to think the lack of sex was the only problem in the marriage. Now I realize that it was only one problem. There is a lack of intimacy. It feels like she is a rather casual friend with occasional benefits. I love a deep,intimate relationship. At this point, it is unclear if we could ever have a deep relationship again.
I am reluctant to even admit this, but there is a reason I'm concerned about being overly attracted to another woman. I am no longer deeply in love with my wife. I read a book recently that discussed how marriages end at different stages of life. When couples are young, marriages often end in a big explosion. Lots of anger, drama and pain. That author stated the marriages of middle aged couples often just fizzle out and die from a "thousand minor cuts". That is a fair description of my marriage. I still like my wife. I'm attached to her, but am unsure if I'm in love with her. It is difficult to admit this. When we married, I promised I'd love her "till death do us part." I'm questioning if I have kept that promise.
Anyone have any advice, or resources, on how to more deeply love my wife? Then there is the other question of should I even try to more deeply love her if she is incapable of deeply loving me. Anyone have thoughts? |
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Post by baza on Mar 16, 2022 21:00:54 GMT -5
I don't think you can 'make' yourself love another.
Nor do I think you can 'make' another love you either.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 17, 2022 19:24:24 GMT -5
Mirrorchid, you have some excellent thoughts. Hiking is one of my favorite leisure time activities. I love being out in nature and exploring new places! Many years ago, my wife made a big fuss about hiking with another woman. I had gone on a short walk / hike with a woman who had 4 young kids at home. I have NO desire to be a step father. My wife knew that, so it never crossed my mind that my wife would have an issue with us going for a 1/2 hour walk. She had a BIG problem with what I did. My wife never was much on hiking. Today, she has significant mobility problems, so hiking is out for her. I have suggested that we get her a scooter. She refused to even consider that option. I don't understand it, but she doesn't want me to go hiking with other people, particularly another woman!
As far as activities I was thinking of things like going to art galleries, museums, historical places, gardens, national parks and sometimes just taking a drive in the country. As I grow older, and the ol' joints hurt more, that last option is becoming more appealing!
Yes, I have given a considerable amount of thought to the ethics / morality of having another woman in my life. (Particularly a woman in a sexless marriage.) I finally concluded that the odds of being caught by my wife are high. I tend to show my emotions. She can tell if I'm happy, sad, tired, etc. I'll probably never take such a risk. If I were to do so, I would definitely be prepared to leave the marriage, as Baza has recommended!
I suggested the open, or partially open, marriage idea to my wife once. She completely refused to even consider that option. I suspect her real issue is pride. Before we met, she was with a man that cheated on her. She said that when she discovered what was going on, she felt very foolish. I'm guessing that means her pride was hurt.
My wife has been having sex with me semi-regularly for months now. I used to think the lack of sex was the only problem in the marriage. Now I realize that it was only one problem. There is a lack of intimacy. It feels like she is a rather casual friend with occasional benefits. I love a deep, intimate relationship. At this point, it is unclear if we could ever have a deep relationship again.
I am reluctant to even admit this, but there is a reason I'm concerned about being overly attracted to another woman. I am no longer deeply in love with my wife. I read a book recently that discussed how marriages end at different stages of life. When couples are young, marriages often end in a big explosion. Lots of anger, drama and pain. That author stated the marriages of middle aged couples often just fizzle out and die from a "thousand minor cuts". That is a fair description of my marriage. I still like my wife. I'm attached to her, but am unsure if I'm in love with her. It is difficult to admit this. When we married, I promised I'd love her "till death do us part." I'm questioning if I have kept that promise.
Anyone have any advice, or resources, on how to more deeply love my wife? Then there is the other question of should I even try to more deeply love her if she is incapable of deeply loving me. Anyone have thoughts? Congrats on escaping the sexless marriage. Sorry to hear you needed more than just the escape. Before I think too hard about your question, why do you want to fall back in love with her? Doing so runs the risk of making her complacent again. You say she can read your thoughts. Will she know you adore her again? Will she think that means you'll love her enough to ask for less sex if that's what will please her? Why'd you fall out of love, and was it for a good reason that maybe you shouldn't fight? Be careful what you wish for. |
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2022 16:16:17 GMT -5
My marriage is much improved in recent months! I'm very thankful for the sex we have been having! There are still some questions on how long the sex will last. Is this just some longer term re-set sex? Has she really changed course? I've tried talking with her about it. The problem is, she has lied so many times about sex, that I have difficulty believing or trusting anything she says on the subject. On many subjects, the wife is quite honest. When it comes to sex, she lies quite often. Her lies about sex used to bother me. Then one day it crossed my mind that many men lie about sex as well! Her lies are still annoying, but it helped to recognize her behavior is relatively common.
The question of why do I want to fall in love with her again has been haunting me for days!! Part of me feels that being married means a person SHOULD deeply love their spouse. That is the way it SHOULD work out!! Then it comes to mind that the word "should" has caused tremendous problems, pain and suffering in many people's lives! (Including my own life!!) Rather than focusing on what "should be", it is almost always better to focus on what actually "is".
There are some articles online about people who are incapable of loving other people. These articles describe my wife fairly accurately. She grew up in a home filled with more violence rather than love. (Her parents were alcoholics.) Yes, she "should" love me because I'm her husband. I am certain she loves to a limited degree. In practical terms, expecting her to deeply love me is unlikely to actually work out. Her parents did NOT demonstrate love to each other or to her. Growing up with minimal love affects her ability to love.
I don't recall when she told me the truth about her childhood. We had been together for at least 10 years before she told me. Prior to our marriage, she was reluctant to talk much about her childhood. She acted very loving when we were dating. I did not realize that it was all an act.
It seems that leaving the marriage "AS IS" may be the best option. If we get closer, she could cut off the sex again. If I attempt to get closer to her, that could push her away. Due to her background, it may be a practical impossibility for her to deeply love me.
Back to the question of why I want to fall in love with my wife again. I have always thought that a man's wife should (there's that word again!!) be the person he is closest to. It's been real difficult to move away from that basic belief. The more I've examined it though, the more I'm questioning it. Intellectually, I'm thinking a close friend, that would not be a threat to my marriage, may be the best option.
To give an illustration, my father is not close to my mother. My father's childhood was spent near one of his first cousins. They grew quite close during childhood and remained very close to her death. I did NOT realize until after her death, just how close Dad was to her. Dad grieved her death more deeply than anyone else! I've never seen him so emotionally torn up over anyone's death!!! I knew he would talk to her late at night after everyone else had gone to sleep. After he got a cordless phone, he often went outside to talk with her. I don't know what they talked about, but he wanted privacy. I'm NOT suggesting he was sexually involved with his cousin, but they were VERY, VERY close to each other.
As to why I fell out of love with the wife: Lack of emotional intimacy. Well over 10 years of a sexless marriage. Her efforts to control or dominate me. Maybe other reasons that aren't currently coming to mind.
I'm going to contemplate why I'm struggling so much with the idea of having someone else be closer than my wife. The wife obviously doesn't want to be real close to me, so why am I struggling with the idea of being close to someone else? Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 22, 2022 4:55:57 GMT -5
As to why I fell out of love with the wife: Lack of emotional intimacy. Well over 10 years of a sexless marriage. Her efforts to control or dominate me. Maybe other reasons that aren't currently coming to mind. I'm going to contemplate why I'm struggling so much with the idea of having someone else be closer than my wife. The wife obviously doesn't want to be real close to me, so why am I struggling with the idea of being close to someone else? Anyone have any thoughts on this? Well, you seem to be saying the sexlessness is at least temporarily over. Your stated desire to fall back in love may mean you already love her more than you did. Perhaps you're feeling a desire to demonstrate your improved outlook with gestures of affection of some kind? Her efforts to control and dominate you may have been undermined badly by something you did. Perhaps related to your behavior towards her that resulted from the sexlessness and control. You made moves to pull away? Placed some distance between you she wants to reduce? Perhaps out of fear. Perhaps out of a desire, conscious or not, to restore your subservience. Thinking about what you did to restore your healthier mindset may be useful to re-establish this reset dynamic should she get complacent. Perhaps a guy that's difficult to keep is seen as one worth keeping. Twisted, stupid thought process, but there it is. You may also be able to find groups or causes you love more than her. (though you may love both a lot, that's not a bad thing) Volunteer at a charity, get involved in a civic or political organization, join a bowling league or book club. Larger numbers have the advantage of not abandoning you through sickness or moving away, a personal tiff between the two of you, or other separation events. A rock of stability you care about could be a source of identity that may be missing from a co-dependent relationship, assuming your marriage is one. You may end up with a best friend from one of these groups. I've heard if you want a woman who has friend-zoned you (a refusing spouse fits) to pursue you, be less available. *sigh* effing mind games. Hate 'em, but they exist for a reason. You wouldn't think a wife needed to be messed with the same way you do a college age girlfriend, but... sexless marriage is a mind game, no? Loving you more than she did may well make her happy. Perhaps loving her less, is more loving? |
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 24, 2022 16:37:43 GMT -5
Mirrororchid, Thanks for putting into words what I've been attempting to sort out through the fog of my marriage. It's difficult to sort out some relationship issues, especially when my wife's frame of reference is quite different from my own. Your last line sums it up amazingly well, "Perhaps loving her less, is more loving." That appears to be the bottom line. It doesn't make sense to the logical side of the brain....but experience seems to bear it out.
My wife absolutely loves having other women being attracted to me. She will NOT admit this, but her behavior tells the real story. It is best when one of her close friends compliments me.
Relationship security is very important to me. It is of minimal importance to my wife. It took MANY years to figure that point out. It does appear that my wife is attracted to men who are "difficult to keep".
I've thought about why it has been so difficult to accept that someone else could be closer than my wife. That idea that my wife should be my closest friend has been my philosophy since childhood. That idea came from one of two places. Today, I realize that both of the possible sources of origin are not trustworthy sources. After considering it, it would be safe to reject that philosophy. I am going to work to deepen some friendships over the coming months. (And NOT feel guilty about it!!!)
In regard to female friends, I think that following my Father's example with his cousin is a great plan. He kept their close friendship an open secret. Everyone knew they were pals, but I don't think anyone knew how close they actually were. Dad never admitted it to me, even after she passed away! I figured it out from watching his behavior.
Lets talk about emotional affairs for a bit. I have been doing some research on emotional affairs in an attempt to understand the differences between a friendship and an emotional affair. It seems like there are some differences of opinion on what constitutes an emotional affair. According to some sources, one of the identifying characteristics of an emotional affair is confiding things to the affair partner that are kept secret from one's spouse. Now in my case, there are many things I would LOVE to share with my wife. Unfortunately, my wife has zero interest in hearing my deeper thoughts. Would it be an emotional affair if I were to share these thoughts with a close female friend?
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Post by baza on Mar 24, 2022 19:59:29 GMT -5
Quoting you here Brother theexplorer . "Would it be an emotional affair if I were to share these thoughts with a close female friend?"
If that 'close female friend' were also reciprocating by sharing her deeper thoughts with you, then that would pretty much be an emotional affair I reckon. If it's just one-way traffic, then it probably is not. Either way, interactions (whether platonic or emotional) with other women usually do not go down real well with ones spouse. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 24, 2022 23:10:53 GMT -5
the explorer; "
"Would it be an emotional affair if I were to share these thoughts with a close female friend?"
Yes. And, face it, if you were to have that kind of intimacy with a woman friend, would you really be happy staying in your marriage or would you want from your friend a relationship that had the whole deal: physical and emotional intimacy?
When I was still in my SM, I had some male and female friends that I was very emotionally intimate with. The men were gay or impotent (The impotent ones volunteered that info to me, possibly to make sure that I didn't expect any sexual intimacy with them) which was my way of ensuring that I would not get into a physical affair with them.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 25, 2022 1:12:41 GMT -5
The difference between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair is where the relationship takes you in your head, or where you take it.
Platonic friends don't swap naughty pictures of each other, for instance.
Platonic friends could meet, give each other a hug, and move on to conversation.
At the beginning of my struggles with my sexless marriage, I became friends with a woman online, who was also in a sexless marriage. We had deep discussions, and exchanged pictures, and talked about meeting up but nothing ever worked. It wasn't until I did figure out how to meet up that she confessed she didn't want to meet. She wanted the fantasy, the "man in her phone" that cared about her and all that. This is what an emotional affair looks like. All the trappings of a real affair, but without the physical connection.
I don't have any ethical issues with an emotional affair. But, I don't have any issues with a real affair, either. In both cases here, the cheating has first been done by the refuser, who I do hold at fault.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 25, 2022 5:33:07 GMT -5
When I was still in my SM, I had some male and female friends that I was very emotionally intimate with. The men were gay or impotent (The impotent ones volunteered that info to me, possibly to make sure that I didn't expect any sexual intimacy with them) which was my way of ensuring that I would not get into a physical affair with them. Not really a reply, to you nsm, more of a follow up. "Emotional affairs" are newcomers to the scene. This new level of jealousy and possessiveness strikes me as insane, given the poor track record of marriage staying physically exclusive. We want to throw more opportunities for strife in the mix? Can we get the first part down, before we "level up"? I admit I haven't invested much thought in these, given my incredulous puzzlement, (Just how bad do you want an excuse to divorce?) but I have hypothesized that this is a matter of projection. Emotional vulnerability produces conditions under which women can experience attraction. This need not be the case for men. The conditions require female initiation of escalation. From personal experience, I've shared difficult situations and received sympathy and words of encouragement from an ex-fiancée and ex-co-worker, both of which I've known for over 20 years. There may even be a willingness to escalate on their part, but they've made no overt moves, so neither have I. If a woman is vulnerable with a fella, and he responds with empathy, this may initiate physical closeness. Platonic touching, physical proximity. Pheromones drift and grow stronger. This is not a reflex for me, and perhaps other men. Such moves signal intimacy; "making a move" and invite rejection and repercussions in an existing marriage, perhaps risk to the friendship. It just isn't going to be an automatic progression. I may be in a notable minority on this, feedback is welcome. Stereotypically, women are not presumed to be initiating physical intimacy with touch, just by itself. More context must be present. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 25, 2022 5:56:27 GMT -5
...Relationship security is very important to me. It is of minimal importance to my wife. It took MANY years to figure that point out. It does appear that my wife is attracted to men who are "difficult to keep".... ...Lets talk about emotional affairs for a bit.... As you may have noted, I appended to northstarmom's thoughts about emotional affairs (which I agreed with). I'm concerned that wives/girlfriends aren't happy unless their pairing is unstable. Keeping the two of you together is the relationship. Excessive reassurance or constant presence can morph into an extension of self. He's always around, he's always here. Time to move on to something else I want. Kids, new house, new car, affair partner. Offer her instability, and she has purpose, a goal. She's got to nail down this relationship thing. Stability is craved, but once well secured deprives her of drive. Instability can be introduced by those compliments of your wife's friends. Objective superiority will give her reason for concern, thinking to herself "he can do better than me." That's the theory behind "hitting the gym". It provides that seed of doubt, twofold. He never did it before, he must be doing it to land a new lady. And, he's looking good. Well crap, is he going to notice and start thinking he can do better? Better up my game. In the case of refusers, this can lead to disappointment and rage from teh refused spouse if the refuser shows no increased interest, despite self-improvement, which is why it should not be done for others' sake. The wife is right, it should be done with the strategy of becoming more valuable "on the market" with the intention of attracting other women. If the wife responds positively, great. If not, you position yourself better if you get sufficiently fed up. |
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Post by theexplorer on Apr 4, 2022 15:54:03 GMT -5
Thanks for the clarification on emotional affairs. I understand it now! I wanted to better understand that to assist in creating a plan for the future.
Mirrororchid, your last post describes my wife quite accurately!
I've thought a great deal about NorthStarMom's question of whether I'd be happy staying in this marriage if I had a close, emotional connection with another woman. That is an excellent question. To simplify her question, "What do I really want?"
Up to this point, the goal has been to preserve the marriage and find some way to create a better life for myself. On the one hand, I do not want to leave. The primary motivation is financial reasons. I read a book sometime back where the writer basically presented a case where we can have most anything we want in life, if we are willing to pay the price. SO, on the other hand, I could leave the marriage...but the cost of leaving is more than I've been willing to "pay". So far, I've been searching for ways to create a better life and remain in the marriage.
I read an article some time back about a woman who had a unhappy, unfulfilling marriage. She wanted to leave, but couldn't bring herself to pull the plug. There were to many good things in her marriage for her to walk away. On the other hand, her husband was distant, absorbed in other responsibilities and seldom spent time with her. He was rarely interested or willing to have sex. He did not mistreat her, but he lived his own separate life. She couldn't find a way to be close or intimate with him.
This woman decided to solve the problem herself. She formed some close ties with a couple of other women. This helped to meet her need for emotional intimacy. She remained married to her husband, but she also found another man for a long term sexual relationship. (She did NOT tell her husband about the other man. Her husband was apparently so self absorbed he never noticed.) The writer also got involved in some community activities and a civic group. She did not mention her age, but her perspective made it appear that she was probably well in to the "Grandma years." She closed the article by writing something to the effect that she had managed to make a reasonably good life for herself. She admitted her method was unconventional. She believed she had taken a bad marriage and made the best of it.
I have thought that this woman's approach might be a decent solution for my situation. She was separating several components of a typical marriage. She had female friends for emotional intimacy. She had an affair partner for affection and sex. She had a husband with whom she shared a beautiful home, children and a social life. (Her husband was a very well to do, respected man in their community.) In my situation, the categories would be different, but the same basic concept. My categories might be a person for emotional connection, a friend for socializing, my wife for a house mate and sex partner.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this woman's solution to her unhappy marriage? There is a risk of marriage problems with an emotional or physical affair, but are there other risks I'm not noticing? I would appreciate any input on the matter.
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Post by baza on Apr 4, 2022 19:56:45 GMT -5
As you note, you'd need to introduce a few more people in to the equation if you were going to give this a whirl. As per your post, these people would be - - a person for emotional connection - a friend for socializing - a sex partner Presumably you also need a wife who remains ignorant of what you're doing (or doesn't care what you are doing) Introducing a third party into an ILIASM deal is a guaranteed game changer, and you don't know (and cannot know) just how the game is going to change, and in this scenario you float, you need to introduce 3 other people into the situation. The tangents this could run off to are infinite, most of which you have no control over, and most of which are likely to collapse your primary relationship. Juggling just an affair partner is difficult enough, adding in more just multiplies the risks of things going awry. It would be extraordinarily difficult to keep the lid on such a scenario. Whatever you end up deciding to do Brother theexplorer , go in with your eyes wide open, and be prepared for a worst case outcome. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 5, 2022 4:53:40 GMT -5
As per your post, these people would be - - a person for emotional connection - a friend for socializing - a sex partner Presumably you also need a wife who remains ignorant of what you're doing (or doesn't care what you are doing) Introducing a third party into an ILIASM deal is a guaranteed game changer,... The tangents this could run off to are infinite, most of which you have no control over, and most of which are likely to collapse your primary relationship. Juggling just an affair partner is difficult enough, adding in more just multiplies the risks of things going awry. It would be extraordinarily difficult to keep the lid on such a scenario... Baza here gives the typical caveats, but my head twisted sideways like the RCA dog when I read: " My categories might be a person for emotional connection, a friend for socializing, my wife for a house mate and sex partner."
I'm a primitive 50's style guy, I suppose, because I'm emotionally stunted enough to automatically associate emotional connections only with women. You're planning a platonic, homosexual emotional connection, like the woman in the article? That'd likely avoid many of the tangents Baza may be thinking of, as long as you don't accidentally unearth some bisexuality. (and frankly, good on ya if you did. I lack the courage to even ask myself. Stigma is bolted on with stainless steel rivets, thank you dysfunctional homophobic 70's schoolyard environment!) The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens portrays a society of olde where men commonly would engage in social distractions for lengthy periods (road trips) with casual mention of their wives and bonds of profound trust we might describe as intimate. In Bleak House, he writes passages where women have conversations between women that strike my modern mind as teetering on teh edge of lesbian affection. Rumors of actual lesbianism between Eleanor Roosevelt and Lorena Hickok result from the intense emotional content of their correspondence. Maybe they were? Can modern men go that deep, despite no sexual attraction? That'd likely be a more emotionally healthy way to live, rather than cutting off closeness that may germinate naturally. The socializing may well be tied in with the emotional partner. Activities are often the conditions under which one bonds. Mutual aid supplied in goals produces gratitude, trust, and generosity that produces love, platonic and otherwise. Circling back to theexplorer 's pairing of wife and sex partner, I have to wonder how that part comes about. If that part did come about, perhaps none of teh rest would be important. (even though demolishing co-dependency with time away from the spouse and with friends instead can be worthwhile even in the most rock solid passionate marriages.) Baza also mentions a wife who doesn't know what's going on, to which I'd add, the husband in teh article may also have been adulterous and seen fit to be equitable with his neglected wife. Being married is likely a good method by which to avoid unwanted entanglements with mistresses. If he was a workaholics and well to do, gold-diggers may well attempt to lure him away to share his fortune, only to discover their avarice was part of his trap. Perhaps his wife was his platonic emotional partner. The drawback to having a female socializing partner is teh risk that emotional connections lead one to question the marriage to the point of dissolution. (and that can be a difficult argument to make. At times, the reasons to keep a marriage intact are all but non-existent.) You'll want more. The social partner may long for more and denying her will be cruel, you'll dislike yourself. Giving in may wrack you with guilt. If you both stay firm to keep your marriage intact, hers may break up because you've given her a taste of what her own lifeless marriage actually is and you'll have been instrumental in homewrecking. (a lot less than a neglectful husband, of course.) These were risks I foresaw when I explained how I'd be opening my own marriage, which leads to Baza's fourth person, the ignorant wife. You need not hide your intent to be emotionally intimate with a lady friend. This removes a layer of deception from the complicated machinery. It also can be just as serviceable a grenade as the affair. The intent to diversify your romantic connections can be as bad as actually forging them for some spouses, especially if that spouse is experiencing their own, unspoken misgivings and is just waiting for an excuse to bolt. So far, you're hesitant to break away because your priorities have not reached a tipping point. You are not firm on "what you want". Just for snicks, maybe have a look at my dissection of "self love"? |
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