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Post by nyartgal on Jun 5, 2016 15:34:20 GMT -5
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I suddenly remembered a gem from (I believe) VegasBaby/VaguestBaby from back in the day. In response to one of us telling our sad story he would respond, "What you need is zip code therapy." In other words, move out! And far away, if possible, hahaha. Anyway, I think this truism should come back into rotation along with Baz's "Tread your own path" and a couple others. EP may be gone but there was a lot of wisdom on there that should never be lost.  |
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 5, 2016 15:36:53 GMT -5
Zip code therapy worked for me!!
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 5, 2016 15:48:12 GMT -5
Me too! The only way my ex could be farther away in the continental US is if he lived in a houseboat on the Pacific!
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2016 17:47:34 GMT -5
I think "Zipcode Therapy" has a lot going for it.
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"Temporary Zipcode Therapy" - where you get away from the poisonous environment so you can think clearly and objectively about ones situation and what you are going to do. Sister SmartKat provides a good example of that one (when her job took her out of the ILIASM deal for extended periods)
"Permanent Zipcode Therapy" - such as undertaken by nyartgal and bballgirl.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 20:55:45 GMT -5
The first time I recall hearing this term, Baz used it to describe what I did (found a job just far enough away from my refuser's job that I needed to move.) That was 18 months ago. I do believe zip code therapy was right for me.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 5, 2016 21:14:10 GMT -5
Better for some, but not others. Moving can be a deal breaker when keeping a family stable. Especially after a divorce. With children in the mix, now your talking, changing doctors, dentist, orthodontists, schools, friends,boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs,churches, bands, music instructors, scout troops, sport teams, gyms, parks, resteraunts , stores etc....
All major hurdles that can be crossed. But thoughts of selfishness enter your mind. All that because I don't have a intimate, sexual relationship with my spouse.
I am beyond that, because I know there is much more to it than that. But not everyone is.
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2016 21:43:18 GMT -5
These things - "changing doctors, dentist, orthodontists, schools, friends,boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs,churches, bands, music instructors, scout troops, sport teams, gyms, parks, resteraunts , stores etc...." - are confronted and managed every day, by people changing jobs as an obvious example.
And setting aside any other factors, shifting locality is a shit of a task at any time for anyone. Stressful as buggery, and no fun at all. But people do it all the time.
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As you note Brother GC, "All major hurdles that can be crossed"
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Painful ? Yep.
Disruptive ? Very much so.
Stressful ? Absolutely.
Emotional ? Yes, that too.
An altogether unpleasant experience.
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And, in the case of a marital split up, a further layer of complication to manage.
"A further layer of complication to manage" - not necessarily "a show stopper".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2016 22:01:00 GMT -5
^^ True. Kids have to move, change schools, change doctors, etc., for a lot of other reasons besides parents splitting up. And, sometimes, parents can split up but the kids can live in the same school district, keep the same local friends, etc.
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2016 22:41:14 GMT -5
@ SmartKat.
I sometimes think that in our ILIASM world, we think that all sorts of problems are unique to us, and are unique to ILIASM shitholes.
And really, it ain't so.
In this thread for example, the advisability and logistics of relocating are being discussed.
Relocating is NOT a unique thing applicable only to ILIASM.
Relocating is a very common thing, applicable to the population in general.
And with it come hard and difficult choices, disruption and angst.
No matter who you are or what your marital status is.
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Sure, there may well be the added complication of a marital split up in the equation necessitating the relocation, but that doesn't make relocating with all it's problems and logistically difficulties unique / applicable only to ILIASM deals.
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Life throws up challenges all the time, requiring us to make hard and difficult choices. ALL of us.
And no-one gets a pass on these choices.
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Of course, if one is in an ILIASM shithole, there is an extra layer of complication thrown over everything.
But that doesn't get one a pass either.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 6, 2016 8:28:41 GMT -5
^^ True. Kids have to move, change schools, change doctors, etc., for a lot of other reasons besides parents splitting up. And, sometimes, parents can split up but the kids can live in the same school district, keep the same local friends, etc. That is my strategy. To stay in the same area. We moved five years ago. After adopting two more boys, and grandpa having his own room, things got crowded for nine of us. But we moved ten houses down the street! We live close to an air force base. My daughters meet other girls who have moved thirteen times already. Yes, some people highly adapt to that. It becomes a lifestyle. what helps me overcome the selfishness feelings of going through the big transformation of divorce? Knowing that I/we are giving a terrible example of what a healthy marriage should be. That communication, and discipline would take much greater strides with separate households. In two more years half my children will be over 18. There is the whole financial aspect as well. I believe it is good to hear, share, know, that there are many other factors that go along with leaving a SM. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 6, 2016 9:30:43 GMT -5
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I suddenly remembered a gem from (I believe) VegasBaby/VaguestBaby from back in the day. In response to one of us telling our sad story he would respond, "What you need is zip code therapy." In other words, move out! And far away, if possible, hahaha. Anyway, I think this truism should come back into rotation along with Baz's "Tread your own path" and a couple others. EP may be gone but there was a lot of wisdom on there that should never be lost. That guy was awesome. He had some feud going with another poster which was pure entertainment to watch. |
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Post by petrushka on Jun 6, 2016 9:59:03 GMT -5
Painful ? Yep. Disruptive ? Very much so. Stressful ? Absolutely. Emotional ? Yes, that too. An altogether unpleasant experience. - And, in the case of a marital split up, a further layer of complication to manage. "A further layer of complication to manage" - not necessarily "a show stopper". I'm packing up 30 years worth of accumulated detritus. I'm loving it :-) Not sure how to get all that rubbish from A to B yet. But this is totally divorced from relationship problems. Walked the site for the new house and workshop with the guy who will be the project manager for the new build, today. I'm having a ball! It's exciting, it's an opportunity, it's a new start! Learning, growing, making new friends! |
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Post by petrushka on Jun 6, 2016 10:02:48 GMT -5
I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I suddenly remembered a gem from (I believe) VegasBaby/VaguestBaby from back in the day. In response to one of us telling our sad story he would respond, "What you need is zip code therapy." In other words, move out! And far away, if possible, hahaha. Anyway, I think this truism should come back into rotation along with Baz's "Tread your own path" and a couple others. EP may be gone but there was a lot of wisdom on there that should never be lost. That guy was awesome. He had some feud going with another poster which was pure entertainment to watch. Awesome? I thought he was a bile filled hateful shit. Yes, he was done over royally by his bitch of an ex, but does that give him the justification to do the same to other people? I think not. At least that's my take. I just hope things worked out well for Penelope. She seemed such a sweet, generous soul. |
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Post by angryspartan on Jun 6, 2016 10:07:29 GMT -5
That guy was awesome. He had some feud going with another poster which was pure entertainment to watch. Awesome? I thought he was a bile filled hateful shit. Yes, he was done over royally by his bitch of an ex, but does that give him the justification to do the same to other people? I think not. At least that's my take. I just hope things worked out well for Penelope. She seemed such a sweet, generous soul. I didn't get that from him. I thought it was humorous. Could be I didn't see everything he wrote either.... That is unless you're FOIA? I know he hated that guy. |
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Post by petrushka on Jun 6, 2016 10:14:05 GMT -5
Nope, wasn't me. I've always had this handle. I don't nym-shift. :-)
I thought Vegas was vitriolic to a lot of people without need or justification.
Acting out your grief and resentment on innocent bystanders is not something
I find bearable to even watch, never mind get involved in. I could understand
his fury, I thought it was completely justified, but - dumping it on others
(other than his therapist) just doesn't fly with me.
He did mellow a bit over time.
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