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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 10:25:50 GMT -5
^^ True. Kids have to move, change schools, change doctors, etc., for a lot of other reasons besides parents splitting up. And, sometimes, parents can split up but the kids can live in the same school district, keep the same local friends, etc. That is my strategy. To stay in the same area. We moved five years ago. After adopting two more boys, and grandpa having his own room, things got crowded for nine of us. But we moved ten houses down the street! FWIW, my ex and I got apartments very close together (three blocks). The idea was that it would allow our son to move back and forth easily and solve the expected "I left my uniform at Dad's" type issues. That part of it has worked out very well. However, there are distinct disadvantages to living this close together. My ex drops by without warning to "say hi" or "check on the dog" or just drop something off for our son. I've ceased letting him in the apartment. I just stand in the doorway and deal with whatever nonsense he's bringing up. I know he's lonely, but that is his own fault. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to put a little more distance between us. I need to stay close to my son's school so that he'll be able to walk when I'm working full time, but I need more than three blocks of breathing room. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 6, 2016 10:45:48 GMT -5
That is my strategy. To stay in the same area. We moved five years ago. After adopting two more boys, and grandpa having his own room, things got crowded for nine of us. But we moved ten houses down the street! FWIW, my ex and I got apartments very close together (three blocks). The idea was that it would allow our son to move back and forth easily and solve the expected "I left my uniform at Dad's" type issues. That part of it has worked out very well. However, there are distinct disadvantages to living this close together. My ex drops by without warning to "say hi" or "check on the dog" or just drop something off for our son. I've ceased letting him in the apartment. I just stand in the doorway and deal with whatever nonsense he's bringing up. I know he's lonely, but that is his own fault. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to put a little more distance between us. I need to stay close to my son's school so that he'll be able to walk when I'm working full time, but I need more than three blocks of breathing room. Thanks for he helpful information! With the size of my family, I have to think about a house, not just an apartment. That's were the two year wait comes in. The downsizing of the family. My therapists warns me that the new 18 is now 22! The law may say that I am not required to provide housing, but reality says otherwise. On a side note I watch the real estate market and see the steep increase in housing prices over the last three years. I could make a substantial profit in selling my real estate now. Buying now is the downside. So much to think about. I doubt my controlling wife ponders on such things, nothing like I do. Her radar goes up when I get closer to getting my own full time work. That will be a major factor toward change. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 6, 2016 19:56:11 GMT -5
FWIW, my ex and I got apartments very close together (three blocks). The idea was that it would allow our son to move back and forth easily and solve the expected "I left my uniform at Dad's" type issues. That part of it has worked out very well. However, there are distinct disadvantages to living this close together. My ex drops by without warning to "say hi" or "check on the dog" or just drop something off for our son. I've ceased letting him in the apartment. I just stand in the doorway and deal with whatever nonsense he's bringing up. I know he's lonely, but that is his own fault. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to put a little more distance between us. I need to stay close to my son's school so that he'll be able to walk when I'm working full time, but I need more than three blocks of breathing room. So one minute he is being as vindictive and obstructive as he can and letting his lawyer do whatever she wants, and the next minute he is popping round to check on the dog because he feels lonely and want some support? FUCK!!!! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2016 20:22:18 GMT -5
FWIW, my ex and I got apartments very close together (three blocks). The idea was that it would allow our son to move back and forth easily and solve the expected "I left my uniform at Dad's" type issues. That part of it has worked out very well. However, there are distinct disadvantages to living this close together. My ex drops by without warning to "say hi" or "check on the dog" or just drop something off for our son. I've ceased letting him in the apartment. I just stand in the doorway and deal with whatever nonsense he's bringing up. I know he's lonely, but that is his own fault. As soon as I can afford it, I'm going to put a little more distance between us. I need to stay close to my son's school so that he'll be able to walk when I'm working full time, but I need more than three blocks of breathing room. So one minute he is being as vindictive and obstructive as he can and letting his lawyer do whatever she wants, and the next minute he is popping round to check on the dog because he feels lonely and want some support? FUCK!!!! Right? My daughter pointed out to me that I basically created his entire life for him outside of his job and now he has no idea how to live. He's the one who wanted a life like the one he grew up with - I hope he enjoys his emotionally empty, disconnected life. I do look back and wonder what I was thinking marrying into such an emotionally constipated family. Ah, Hindsight - I kinda hate that b*tch. |
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Post by unmatched on Jun 6, 2016 21:21:03 GMT -5
So one minute he is being as vindictive and obstructive as he can and letting his lawyer do whatever she wants, and the next minute he is popping round to check on the dog because he feels lonely and want some support? FUCK!!!! Right? My daughter pointed out to me that I basically created his entire life for him outside of his job and now he has no idea how to live. He's the one who wanted a life like the one he grew up with - I hope he enjoys his emotionally empty, disconnected life. I do look back and wonder what I was thinking marrying into such an emotionally constipated family. Ah, Hindsight - I kinda hate that b*tch. We are all learning, right? |
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Post by itsjustus on Jun 6, 2016 21:32:42 GMT -5
I wasn't able to apply zip code therapy right away, having to stay at the marital home to prepare it for market, but the ex moved a few codes away to an apartment. But my then Stbx just didn't understand that while it wouldn't even occur to me to just walk into her new place, she thought nothing of just pulling up the drive and walking right in, to pick up this or that...or whatever excuse she had. Boundaries were not her strong suit, obviously. I kind of understood her attachment to the place and to keep the peace (never worked out that way...) I went along with it. (Boundaries weren't my strong suit either...) She would inevitably angrily bring up the divorce and had me trapped in my own home, unable to walk away, as I'd told her I would if she did.
I finally had to put a stop to it when someone special to me that I was on skype with innocently asked "Who's that standing behind you??" That person got to see a full display of all the things that I had been saying about the stbx's anger issues, live. To say the least....even I was impressed....and drew the "no more" boundary.
epilogue....the house sold. I put another 4 zip codes between her and I, just in case......
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 7, 2016 7:50:45 GMT -5
Okay, I don't know how else to say it, but these stories give me more doubt and more worries!! I think about all the stuff that would be left behind, when we separate, who ever moves where! Since I have other properties to maintain, and having to come back to the house to get equipment that is stored in the shed and garage. Things I can't quickly remove and take to an apartment. Information that is in files and mostly on the computers. Homeschool supplies that are in unorganized piles. Joint accounts. Lots of kids legal documents, who keeps those, and all the interaction that will be involved, especially if we do a " I get the kids this week, you get them next week deal". These are the doubts that I drag around with me. Maybe other ladies discuss these things with each other. Men don't.
I would like to read more about it here.
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2016 8:35:34 GMT -5
Maybe you need to think outside the square Brother GC.
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Must your future involve "other properties to maintain" and stuff like that ?
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"If" you are going to paint a new picture of your life, you may as well start with a big canvas and use some really vivid colours, and bold definitive brush strokes.
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Anecdote (not advice)
Ten years ago, I was on a 9 digit salary, responsible position in corporate finance, house in a prestigious neighbourhood, nice foreign car, lovely lifestyle, investments, the whole shooting match. And, an ILIASM deal. I was miserable.
Today, I work part time on a rural mail run in rural Australia for 20 bucks an hour. I live in a country town pop. about 7,000, in an ok part of town, in a house worth about one quarter of my old marital house, drive a 8 year old car, have a 12 year old motorbike, have enough money to pay my bills, volunteer at a local charity shop. And I am happy. I have no ILIASM deal round my neck. In fact, I'm in another relationship.
Again, this is NOT advice, and I offer it up simply to present that my life now bears no resemblance to what it was.
And, for me, that's a good thing.
What I've learned out of it, is that there are a lot of things that you need not carry forward in your life. Some things of course, you MUST carry forward with you. But only "some".
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Paint BIG Brother GC, but paint simple too.
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PS - have you had any luck in establishing the financial picture in your deal ?
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 9:11:10 GMT -5
Greatcoastal, Baza has a lot to offer. Start with writing down what you just mentioned and get it organized one thing at a time. Start with the home school stuff. Move on to organizing all the bank accounts, books. Take an hour and inventory what is in your house. Buy some boxes and heavy duty trash bags to start clearing out. This process takes about two months depending on your hours but I look at it as I am preparing for a long trip and everything needs to be organized. I am not tied to stuff, like BAZA I have done well but living a life fulfilled is so much nicer than a life filled with so much angst and the burden of things. You said you know what you want, so start preparing by getting everything into its place - as though you are moving. Stay inspired to finish it to the end. Your refuser needs to just think you are making sense of disorder and are resolved to do it. When we act, our refusers either allow a split which means they were just humoring us all along OR they change by initiating sex and becoming a responsible marriage partner again. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 7, 2016 10:08:29 GMT -5
When we act, our refusers either allow a split which means they were just humoring us all along OR they change by initiating sex and becoming a responsible marriage partner again. Um, not to be negative here, but there is a third possibility called they get super angry and try to punish you for daring to divorce them. That happens to be the path my STBX took and it's been a hell of a bumpy ride over here. It certainly hasn't changed my mind about choosing to leave (the opposite actually), but it is something to consider when you're thinking about leaving. |
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jun 7, 2016 10:49:30 GMT -5
yes mountainrunner, you are correct. My opinion is that heavy anger is from them finally realizing they have lost control and have no other way to vent. They pushed the envelope but pushed too far. But you and I would have reacted differently. We care about others and would have been nicer, cooperative, desiring to fix "us". Instead he got angry. He revealed true self and you do not deserve that treatment, certainly not after a SM for so long.
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