optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35 
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Post by optima on Oct 14, 2021 0:15:55 GMT -5
I’ll let you know if it is worth it. I move out in two weeks. We are almost done with extremely contentious divorce proceedings. After an initial hearing and a failed mediation, our attorneys appear to have hammered out a settlement that I can’t stand but frees me. We have few assets other than our home, so there was little to fight over. The divorce, child support and alimony are actually much more expensive than I had budgeted for or contemplated when I initiated “the talk” in June. Yes, we have a few young children, but this shouldn’t mean I’m left with only a quarter of my income and she gets to keep living in (and own half of) our 3 bedroom marital home (she pays only the property tax and upkeep) while I’m moving to an apartment. Keep in mind, I also have custody ~33% of the time and all of the expenses associated with it. This is true even though my wife has maintained an ongoing affair. Financially, she comes our similar to how we used to live whereas I’m decimated. Still, after months of cruel rejection and her cheating, I can’t wait to move on and even begin meeting women who won’t abuse me and will respect me.
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Post by heelots on Oct 14, 2021 10:20:38 GMT -5
I’ll let you know if it is worth it. I move out in two weeks. We are almost done with extremely contentious divorce proceedings. After an initial hearing and a failed mediation, our attorneys appear to have hammered out a settlement that I can’t stand but frees me. We have few assets other than our home, so there was little to fight over. The divorce, child support and alimony are actually much more expensive than I had budgeted for or contemplated when I initiated “the talk” in June. Yes, we have a few young children, but this shouldn’t mean I’m left with only a quarter of my income and she gets to keep living in (and own half of) our 3 bedroom marital home (she pays only the property tax and upkeep) while I’m moving to an apartment. Keep in mind, I also have custody ~33% of the time and all of the expenses associated with it. This is true even though my wife has maintained an ongoing affair. Financially, she comes our similar to how we used to live whereas I’m decimated. Still, after months of cruel rejection and her cheating, I can’t wait to move on and even begin meeting women who won’t abuse me and will respect me. What you described is what I would expect. I am too old to start over and only saved enough to get by OK in retirement assuming we stayed together. If we divorce, and each of us walks away with half of the limited amount I have been able to save for retirement through the years, that will assure both of us live in poverty until we die. I cannot say that I hate her enough to prefer living and dying in poverty more than just sharing a house with her until I die and praying to die early! LoL |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 14, 2021 13:40:21 GMT -5
heelots: How old are you? I was 62 when I ended my 34-year marriage. I divorced when I decided I'd rather live impoverished and single than to remain in a loveless marriage. To my surprise, I ended up being in a relationship with the love of my life, a man whom I'd met in a recreational group I enjoyed, and that I'd joined without my husband (who wasn't that interested in the group) in the years before I decided to divorce. I had joined when I decided to do more things in my life that allowed me to be around people who appreciated me and whom I had fun with. To my surprise, a man whom I'd barely noticed asked me out after I had filed for divorce. He ended up being the love of my life. We now are both retired and live in comfort in Mexico, which has a much lower cost of living than does the US. You can't predict what will happen if you divorce. However, you do know that your marriage is likely to remain miserable if you remain in it. Talking to a lawyer, too, may give you a clearer view of how divorce would affect you financially.
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Post by heelots on Oct 14, 2021 15:06:11 GMT -5
heelots: How old are you? I was 62 when I ended my 34-year marriage. I divorced when I decided I'd rather live impoverished and single than to remain in a loveless marriage. To my surprise, I ended up being in a relationship with the love of my life, a man whom I'd met in a recreational group I enjoyed, and that I'd joined without my husband (who wasn't that interested in the group) in the years before I decided to divorce. I had joined when I decided to do more things in my life that allowed me to be around people who appreciated me and whom I had fun with. To my surprise, a man whom I'd barely noticed asked me out after I had filed for divorce. He ended up being the love of my life. We now are both retired and live in comfort in Mexico, which has a much lower cost of living than does the US. You can't predict what will happen if you divorce. However, you do know that your marriage is likely to remain miserable if you remain in it. Talking to a lawyer, too, may give you a clearer view of how divorce would affect you financially. I will be 60 next April. I like your comments, and could see myself exploring options once the last kid has flown the coop. Crappy as our marriage is I will likely not entertain serious thoughts of leaving until the last one goes. If the wife beats me to the punch, then so be it, I will just have to deal with the fallout. It would be my luck to wait too long and have her pull the ripcord and bail first. I suppose if I was smarter I would at least talk to an attorney, maybe I might. Who knows. Thanks! |
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Post by heelots on Oct 14, 2021 15:09:34 GMT -5
heelots: How old are you? I was 62 when I ended my 34-year marriage. I divorced when I decided I'd rather live impoverished and single than to remain in a loveless marriage. To my surprise, I ended up being in a relationship with the love of my life, a man whom I'd met in a recreational group I enjoyed, and that I'd joined without my husband (who wasn't that interested in the group) in the years before I decided to divorce. I had joined when I decided to do more things in my life that allowed me to be around people who appreciated me and whom I had fun with. To my surprise, a man whom I'd barely noticed asked me out after I had filed for divorce. He ended up being the love of my life. We now are both retired and live in comfort in Mexico, which has a much lower cost of living than does the US. You can't predict what will happen if you divorce. However, you do know that your marriage is likely to remain miserable if you remain in it. Talking to a lawyer, too, may give you a clearer view of how divorce would affect you financially. I will be 60 next April. I like your comments, and could see myself exploring options once the last kid has flown the coop. Crappy as our marriage is I will likely not entertain serious thoughts of leaving until the last one goes. If the wife beats me to the punch, then so be it, I will just have to deal with the fallout. It would be my luck to wait too long and have her pull the ripcord and bail first. I suppose if I was smarter I would at least talk to an attorney, maybe I might. Who knows. Thanks! Sadly for me, I know if I go, I will only have my own limited resources to draw upon, and even if she only gets half I will be in world of hurt financially. That would suck to work my ass off over 30 years, have two college degrees and retire in poverty. I did not exactly mbv arry well! LoL |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 14, 2021 20:00:59 GMT -5
Sadly for me, I know if I go, I will only have my own limited resources to draw upon, and even if she only gets half I will be in world of hurt financially. That would suck to work my ass off over 30 years, have two college degrees and retire in poverty... What some refused spouses may not be thinking about is that they can partner with a roommate to split expenses, or, if we want to dream, find a lover to do the same. Having half isn't so rough if you team up with someone only as rich as yourself. You break even. It's not as though partners, platonic and sexual, show up empty handed. If they do, you need not agree to join them. |
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Post by heelots on Oct 15, 2021 11:56:07 GMT -5
Sadly for me, I know if I go, I will only have my own limited resources to draw upon, and even if she only gets half I will be in world of hurt financially. That would suck to work my ass off over 30 years, have two college degrees and retire in poverty... What some refused spouses may not be thinking about is that they can partner with a roommate to split expenses, or, if we want to dream, find a lover to do the same. Having half isn't so rough if you team up with someone only as rich as yourself. You break even. It's not as though partners, platonic and sexual, show up empty handed. If they do, you need not agree to join them. Well and good if there is someone waiting in the wings, but honestly, after 23 years in the trenches, if I were to free myself of this prison, I don't really see myself as ever wanting to risk such imprisonment again by living with or marrying another woman. At almost 60, I think I would prefer to go solo. I have seen the other side, and would just never take such a risk again. I have enough friends and interests to sustain me. I didn't marry until I was 36 so I well recall how to keep myself entertained for the most part and being older, urges have died off some. What urges have not died on their own for the most part, she killed! LOL |
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2021 13:22:52 GMT -5
heelots said: "I like your comments, and could see myself exploring options once the last kid has flown the coop. "
I suggest getting started now to create the type of you and type of life you want -- whether or not you divorce. I unknowingly started doing this about 8 years before I decided to divorce. I just wanted to be happier. Unlike you, I didn't find ILIASM's precursor until about 2 weeks after I divorced, so I did not have the benefit of the advice here.
I started taking care of myself -- (nonsexual) regular massages, facials, exercise, healthy eating -- not to get my refuser's attention but to have touch in my life and to like what I saw in the mirror. I started doing activities -- lunch with friends, going to plays, taking dancing/painting/photography/acting classes, getting in theater groups -- without him (he wasn't particularly interested in most of those things and it wasn't fun for me to experience those things with him). I figured life was short and I only had a little more time to try some things that interested me, but I had never felt comfortable trying. I found I had much more fun -- and made more friends-- by doing things without my refuser, who is the type of person who, when he meets others, talks only sports trivia, nothing personal. To my surprise, I learned I have enough talent in acting, singing, dancing to be able to gete cast in some plays, musicals and some professional commercials.
Unlike you, I didn't know the advisability of seeing a lawyer and learning financials-- even if one doesn't plan to divorce, so I didn't see a lawyer and investigate financials until I decided to divorce. Then, I learned that due to being in a longterm (more than 10 years) marriage in Florida, I was entitled to half of all assets, and responsible for half of our debts, which I learned were far more than I had imagined. I was in part responsible for the debt because out of anger I'd been buying a lot of unnecessary stuff. Anyway, by the time I divorced, I had more confidence in myself, had a supportive group of friends who were just my friends, not my husband's. I was involved in activities that made me happy and where I was appreciated. I knew I'd be happier living single in a rented home than in my dream home (which was mortgaged up to the hilt despite our living in it more than 20 years). When I divorced, I didn't have to start rebuilding my life from scratch as many divorcees do.
Oh, BTW, when I decided to divorce, I learned my husband was having an affair and even thought he'd fathered a 2-year-old. I wasn't devastated -- just glad that I would no longer be tethered to such a person. I knew that I deserved better, and even if I never found another partner, I'd be better off without him.
And FWIW, my divorce occurred 3 years after my last child graduated from college but if I had had the advantage of the wisdom here, I'd have divorced years earlier.
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Post by h on Oct 15, 2021 13:27:33 GMT -5
We are now in the midst of a divorce. Reset never materialized. She has been cheating on me this whole time. We have young children so I cannot move out until custody and ideally alimony (read: ransom) is resolved. It’s a nightmare. Also, having your partner since the age of 19 cheat on you is the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced. How long has the cheating gone on? Is it long enough that paternity could be in question? |
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Oct 15, 2021 19:48:00 GMT -5
Paternity is not in question. Our three children, including the 3.5 year old, all look like me. Some friends are dubious of how she met this guy during COVID, but I’ve been going to work since July of 2020. I suspect the affair has been going on , at the earliest, since the sex became rare in the summer of 2020 and at the latest since January 2021.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 19, 2021 5:59:49 GMT -5
..., I don't really see myself as ever wanting to risk such imprisonment again by living with or marrying another woman. ... Playing it safe? Sure. But maybe teaming up with another gunshy senior wingman could avoid the poverty you fear. Splitting rent does wonders for finances. Just about everyone would prefer solo accommodations, but more than poverty? Or less? It's the poverty you say you fear. Maybe, instead of fear, you are attracted to the freedom. As Northstarmom described, you can live as though you're single to practice for the future and perhaps find a taste of that life you'd prefer. Serenity may slip in bit by bit. |
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