optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35 
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Post by optima on Aug 7, 2021 23:58:35 GMT -5
Baza and Northstarmom were right. Since this post, my life has become a living hell. I’m meeting with an attorney on Monday morning. Maybe I just accelerated something which would have happened anyway and forced my own hand, but whatever you do, don’t do what I did. I just posted a more fulsome recap on a separate thread, but needless to say I simply find a wife who tells me she isn’t attracted to me and refuses any physical contact to be intolerable.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Aug 8, 2021 0:23:18 GMT -5
Basically, every time I articulated that I wanted physical intimacy and that this was a priority of mine, it was a setback in our relationship. Yet how can there be progress if I can not share my needs and desires. If I never raised the issue it’s not like she was ever going to bring it up.
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2021 1:03:04 GMT -5
Well, you'll have some information from your lawyer on Monday. Consider it all carefully Brother optima . Within those legal restraints you can start putting together your exit strategy, shoring up your support network, and planning how you'll manage guiding kids (if any) through such a scenario, should splitting up be the way this all shakes out. Are you still running that "6 month" clock you referred to ? In the meantime, I'd just suggest that as this plays out, don't get drawn into saying anything you don't mean, or get provoked in to threatening anything you ain't actually prepared to do. Your credibility - that she knows that what you say she can take to the bank as truth - is one of, if not the best, tools you have available as you negotiate your way through this process. |
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Post by catlover on Aug 8, 2021 7:14:50 GMT -5
Some advice that was given to me early on was to act like I had a normal sex life as in the beginning. Make a move, which I was not used to doing and let him stop or correct me. After all we were married. My friend told me the way she got sex was to knock on the headboard. No way that would have worked. I was told to just go lay on him and let him tell me no. That behavior usually came after he persued me. It worked for a while. That reminds me of the song line. "knock 3 times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipe if the answer is no" |
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Post by jerri on Aug 8, 2021 15:20:20 GMT -5
Some advice that was given to me early on was to act like I had a normal sex life as in the beginning. Make a move, which I was not used to doing and let him stop or correct me. After all we were married. My friend told me the way she got sex was to knock on the headboard. No way that would have worked. I was told to just go lay on him and let him tell me no. That behavior usually came after he persued me. It worked for a while. That reminds me of the song line. "knock 3 times on the ceiling if you want me, twice on the pipe if the answer is no" Haven't heard that song since I was little. haha |
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Sept 12, 2021 22:32:14 GMT -5
Update: getting to the brink of divorce ( I was going to file papers tomorrow) and having us both engage attorneys and prepare the relevant legal and financial documents appears to have led to a “reset” and a commitment to resume regular QUALITY intimacy. I made clear she needs to want it and it should be fulfilling for BOTH of us and told her I want to work with a counselor to improve my skills. We agree that IF we stay together, she will reject me as often as she likes, but will either give me something short of intercourse or let me know a time when something can happen. There was purposeful sexual contact short of sex but satisfying for the first time in months last night to my relief. I’m a bit dubious it will hold, but we have two children and she has been making a full court press not to divorce. I asked what was different now then in the months preceding this, when I told her how important this issue is to me, and the gist of her answer is she didn’t realize the marriage was on the line. I hate the fact pattern and won’t call off a divorce yet, but am curious if anyone else has found lasting change in a reset under these circumstances.
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Post by baza on Sept 12, 2021 23:40:26 GMT -5
This resumption of sex is not that unusual in an ILIASM deal where you have produced a credible threat to the marriage.
What happens now goes one of two ways.
#1 - the resumption of sex continues on in to the future and you ride off into the sunset (this is a rare thing) problem solved.
#2 - the resumption of sex peters out pretty quickly, within weeks, and you are back at the start again.
Your story reads like her motivation is to preserve the marriage, and if that requires her to grit her teeth and engage you sexually now and then as the downside then she'll do it .... for as long as she can (this might not be very long)
It does NOT read like her motivation is a burning desire to root you six ways to Sunday.
Anyway, if this is a re-set sex' event, you'll know pretty quickly
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 13, 2021 6:08:25 GMT -5
... am curious if anyone else has found lasting change in a reset under these circumstances. The concern is, everyone who it worked for never came back to tell us. If this took hold permanently, you, yourself may not tell us. You'd just disappear. Mrs. MirrorOrchid is holding up after over a year and a half. I wait three weeks at most. Initiated just once. It could be ending... her best buddy has cut off ties. Her work has her down. The anniversary of our daughter's death is coming soon. This is not an environment of romance. I'm planning to put up with a two month dry spell to get us a month past the anniversary after which she needs more therapy and I tell her I'm dating again a month later. Four months from now, I'll be having engaging sex again. Hopefully with her. Does your wife have an understanding of just how little she can get away with and stay married? Have you given her some idea? Do you know what you do if you catch a whiff of "testing the envelope"? Have you asked yourself what the rock bottom is? It may behoove you to keep these minimums to yourself. She may try to push them even lower if you give her hard limits to set as "goals" |
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 27, 2021 10:45:47 GMT -5
... We agree that IF we stay together, she will reject me as often as she likes, but will either give me something short of intercourse or let me know a time when something can happen. Help me understand how that is any different now than what you have been given? She will reject you whenever she feels like it (maybe like every time?) and will maybe promise some vague something at some nebulous future time. WTF! I hope things are truly turning around for you but I read your update as you are being played. She could be delaying the inevitable in order to get her ducks in order. Good Luck. |
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Sept 27, 2021 20:27:56 GMT -5
We are now in the midst of a divorce. Reset never materialized. She has been cheating on me this whole time. We have young children so I cannot move out until custody and ideally alimony (read: ransom) is resolved. It’s a nightmare. Also, having your partner since the age of 19 cheat on you is the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Sept 27, 2021 21:17:50 GMT -5
I should add that there were other betrayals: a secret bank account, an affair and a cessation of sex. The sex was a leading indicator.
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Post by jim44444 on Sept 28, 2021 0:57:06 GMT -5
I should add that there were other betrayals: a secret bank account, an affair and a cessation of sex. The sex was a leading indicator. I am sorry for your pain. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon situation. Life rarely follows the Disney script. Listen to your lawyer, let your lawyer handle the crap, your lawyer knows the nuances of the law. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 5, 2021 10:42:21 GMT -5
We are now in the midst of a divorce. Reset never materialized. She has been cheating on me this whole time. We have young children so I cannot move out until custody and ideally alimony (read: ransom) is resolved. It’s a nightmare. Also, having your partner since the age of 19 cheat on you is the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced. Sorry Optima. That was my nightmare as well. |
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Post by heelots on Oct 6, 2021 9:30:30 GMT -5
Is there anyone who has an idea of how I can get my needs met in this relationship without divorce or badgering for sex? Staying quiet and sexless does not work for me. I think I could live with once per week of sex where she makes an effort and there is passion. Is there any constructive way to get there from here? No, what you have now, is the best you will get. I have been imprisoned in a similar hell for over 23 years. About 3 years ago I gave up and wrote it off. W IS my roommate. We have 4 kids, only my income. Economically divorce would be suicide of sorts assuring we both live in poverty till we die. I use porn regular and found that once I wrote her off as a wife I removed a lot of the street and anger. I don't cheat on her, I just jerk off a lot and pray every night to not wake up the next day. My name here should actually be " Dead man Walkin" |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 12, 2021 6:31:23 GMT -5
Is there anyone who has an idea of how I can get my needs met in this relationship without divorce or badgering for sex? Staying quiet and sexless does not work for me. I think I could live with once per week of sex where she makes an effort and there is passion. Is there any constructive way to get there from here? No, what you have now, is the best you will get. I have been imprisoned in a similar hell for over 23 years. About 3 years ago I gave up and wrote it off. W IS my roommate. We have 4 kids, only my income. Economically divorce would be suicide of sorts assuring we both live in poverty till we die. I use porn regular and found that once I wrote her off as a wife I removed a lot of the street and anger. I don't cheat on her, I just jerk off a lot and pray every night to not wake up the next day. My name here should actually be " Dead man Walkin" Yikes, man. Would living in poverty be so bad? Maybe work on a plan to deliberately do so and resolve to live poor, but free. Then outsource (open marriage is less work and more honorable, secrecy can be economically safer). She can divorce and thrust you both into poverty and split the family. Or, she can surprise you and reset (if you choose to accept her). An escape plan I didn't need to execute did wonders for my future outlook and, consequently, my mood. Seriously, wishing you weren't alive strikes me as justifying drastic action towards achieving better. Lots of poor people are glad they are alive. Admittedly, many aren't, but sure thing versus a maybe? Maybe you want to explore the "unthinkable". |
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